Chapter Five

Cade

P resent Day

Loud sounds rip through the air one after another after another, sending chills up and down my spine. I don't know what the sounds are…all I know is that they mean something awful.

Something dangerous.

January. I need to get to January.

I clench the papers in my hand and race down the hall toward her, my heart pounding as fear and adrenaline pump through me.

"January!" I scream as I round the corner into the living room.

She turns to me, her beautiful face scrunched up in confusion.

"Get down, baby girl!" I yell…but it's too late.

The window behind her shatters, glass raining down on her.

January jerks forward, crying out my name in pain. Blood spreads rapidly across her shirt, soaking the fabric.

"Cade?" she whimpers, stumbling toward me.

I reach out for her, a sob building in my throat. I grab her arm, but my hand goes right through her. Horror fills me as she turns to smoke and vanishes before my eyes.

"January!" I scream, sitting bolt upright in the bed. I leap to my feet and charge toward the door, desperate to get to her, desperate to save her. Fear pumps through me with each beat of my heart, so fucking much of it I can't breathe through it. I fling the bedroom door open and stumble out into the living room.

The window is shattered, but January isn't here. There is no blood, no bullets.

Instead, a single brick is in the middle of my living room floor, shards of glass surrounding it.

"Fuck!" I shout, stumbling toward the couch. I drop heavily onto it, shoving my hair back from my face with shaking hands. My skin is soaked with sweat, my face damp with tears. I suck in air, but it doesn't ease the weight sitting on top of my chest. Nothing ever fucking eases that weight.

Nothing stops the nightmares, either. They're all different, yet nothing ever changes. In every single one, I can't get to her quickly enough. I can't save her. No matter what I do, it always ends the same way…with her disappearing before my eyes.

I don't know how much more I can take.

"Suck it up," I growl, pushing myself to my feet. I did the crime. I'll do the time. That's my fucking mantra these days, the only thing that keeps me going.

I cross the room to the brick. A message is scrolled there in a jagged hand: "Tick Tock, motherfucker."

That stupid son of a bitch. I told him that he'd pay if he fucked with me. Either he didn't hear me or he's testing his fucking luck.

I jog back to my room and snatch up my phone, dialing Roman's number. He picks up on the first ring, sounding like he hasn't been to sleep.

"I'm going to kill Kaleo," I growl into the phone. "As painfully as fucking possible."

Roman is silent for a beat too long. "What did he do?"

"Sent a fucking wake-up call straight through my window." Sighing deeply, I run a hand through my hair, gripping it hard at the roots. The pain helps ground me, keeping me from getting lost in the nightmare of January again.

"I'll handle it," Roman says after another beat of silence.

"No," I snap back, taking quick strides over to the brick and the glass shards scattered over my living room floor. I put the call on speaker and snap photos for evidence before I clean it up. "This is my fight."

"What are you going to do?"

"Burn his shit to the ground."

"Literally or figuratively?"

"Both, probably. I haven't decided."

"Well, let me know if you need help from this end," he says, and I think he actually means it. If I asked for help destroying Kaleo's world, he'd be there, no questions asked.

I clear my throat when my chest pulses with something suspiciously like gratitude.

Fuck. I think I might actually like his overgrown ass. But he doesn't need a friend like me. Especially not if this goes south and Kaleo makes good on his threat to spill my secrets. The last thing Roman needs is to be tied to this shit.

"Will do," I lie. "Do me a favor?"

"Name it."

"Put a car outside the school where January works. And don't feed me any bullshit about a School Resource Officer. If he makes a play for her, an SRO won't stop him. I want one of your people on it, someone you trust."

"You think he'll go for her?"

"He's spent my entire fucking life trying to get to me through her." I laugh without humor. "Do I think he'll try to go for her? Hell no. I know the stupid motherfucker will try."

I just don't know where or when. And that fucking nightmare has me scared shitless. But I don't tell Roman that. It's not his business. That's my cross to carry.

"Fuck," he mutters. "I'll make sure we have someone parked outside the school."

"Thanks, man."

"Anytime."

I disconnect and shove my phone into my pocket.

My eyes catch on the warning scrawled across the brick again.

Tick tock, motherfucker.

What's he trying to say? Time's running out until he spills my secret? Time's running out on me? My reign here is over? There are ninety different ways to read his message. Frankly, he can shove every single one of them up his ass, brick and all.

I'm not scared of him. I wasn't when I was a kid. I'm certainly not now. He's been a bitch my entire life. Some shit never changes. He was born a bitch. He'll die a bitch. At this point, the other question mark is whether or not I'm the one who pulls the fucking trigger.

Everything in me wants to be that man. It's what he deserves. It's what I should have done seven goddamn years ago. But I've tried like hell to become something different. I burned everything down back then, and I've fought to rise from the ashes, to be something better.

Back then, it was easy to convince myself I was doing the right thing, that I was the good guy. We didn't sling dope. We didn't sell pussy. We did the shit we did to protect what belonged to us. I figured that meant it all washed in the end.

Except…when the end came, nothing washed. It was all stained in blood. You can't get that shit out. I know because I've spent every fucking minute since trying to atone.

I can't. I fucking can't .

I killed my best friend, and I'll never fucking forgive myself for it.

When January knows the truth, she'll never forgive me either. She thinks she hates me now? She has no idea what real hate is. I see it every goddamn time I look in the mirror.

I gather the shards, the glass biting into my flesh as I clean up the destruction. But the pain is light, a fucking caress compared to the shit storm of guilt and remorse that pounds against my skull. It's always there, a steady tattoo of fuck up and failure that never, never stops.

My hands sting from a dozen small cuts as I drop the shards into the trash. I wash the blood off under cold water, watching it spiral down the drain with an odd sense of satisfaction. If only washing away my sins was that easy.

Fuck. I need air. I need to fucking move or I'm gonna start smashing more shit.

My boots crunch gravel as I stride out to the deserted street as I lean against my bike.

The night is as restless as I am, wind rustling through the leaves with a mournful whine. At least it's not fucking raining, though. I got so tired of that shit in Seattle.

Los Angeles isn't any better, though. At least not this neighborhood. The stench of smog and cheap liquor clinging to the night air has a way of making you feel dirtier by the minute. I inhale deeply, taking it all in. The grit on the wind, the sirens in the distance—they're a part of me as much as my scars.

An engine rumbles somewhere nearby, followed by gunshots, the familiar sounds pulling me out of my self-loathing for a moment. My gaze lands on January's darkened house. It sits quiet and unassuming like it holds no deadly secrets. Like it wasn't the goddamn epicenter of my world once upon a time.

A memory so strong it almost knocks me off my feet slams into me.

Then – Age Sixteen

"I need a favor." Titan drops down onto the bleachers beside me. He reaches out and snags my book before turning it toward himself. "How the fuck do you and January read this shit?" he asks, shaking his head.

"You'd have to be able to read to understand," I tell him, holding my hand out for the book. It's Voltaire…which Titan would never understand. He's smart, but he doesn't give a shit about literature. Like most guys our age, the only thing on his mind is pussy. I'm not interested in girls, at least not any I plan on telling him about anytime soon. January is too young for me—only thirteen—and she's his baby sister. He'd lose his mind if he knew I've been in love with her for longer than I can remember.

Instead, I focus on keeping her safe. Titan and I do a pretty good job of it since forming the MC. People act like we're a fucking criminal gang or something, but we don't deal drugs, and we don't start the bullshit fights and turf wars we end up in. All we're trying to do is to keep that shit away from our neighborhood and our families.

It's not enough for me, though.

I want to make something out of myself, do something with my life that matters. Something that gives me a shot at getting January and Ma Lucia out of here for good. I don't want to be the poor little orphan boy my entire life. I want to be good enough for January someday.

"Touché, fucker," Titan says with a laugh and then tosses my book to me.

I slide a Post-It note inside to mark my place and then slip it into my bag before turning to face him. Like usual, his hair is spiked up with enough gel to embarrass most men. He doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks. That's why we get along so well. Neither of us cares what anyone else has to say. The only opinions that matter to me are his, January's, their mom's, and Ma Lucia's.

"What do you want?" I ask him.

"I need you to walk January home today," he says.

"Already planned on it." We escort her to and from school every day. It's been that way for years. Don't know why he'd think today was any different.

"Without me," he says and grins, showing his teeth. "Mandy wants to talk."

"You're still trying to get with her?" I shake my head at him. She strings him along like a little puppy, but he just keeps going back for more. There's no point in even trying to tell him she's fucking half the football team. He doesn't care.

I don't think it bothers him that she's tried to get with me more than once over the years, either. I've never had any interest in her, but she keeps trying. It's fucking ridiculous.

"What makes you think I haven't already been with her?" he asks and waggles his brows.

"Because you'd never shut the fuck up about it if you had."

"So you'll walk January home and hang out with her until I get there?"

I push myself to my feet, trying not to let my excitement show. If he wants to deal with Mandy's drama again, that's on him. He never listens so there's no point even trying to tell him that he's an idiot. But the thought of escorting January home by myself? Of spending time alone with her? Yeah, I'm all over that.

"I've got January," I tell him, keeping my voice level.

"I owe you."

I wave him off and jog down the bleachers before cutting across the quad toward the junior high. She's in eighth grade this year. Her classes will be letting out soon. I've memorized her schedule, so I weave through the junior high campus until I make it to the English building. I'm still several doors away from her room when the final bell rings.

Kids come pouring out of their classrooms, talking loudly.

A few greet me by name. I lift my chin at them and keep walking. Everyone knows me because I'm here with January every day, but I don't talk to any of them. She's the only person here I have any interest in.

My eyes land on her, and I draw to a stop. She's got her head bent as she whispers back and forth with another girl her age, Mariah something or another. I don't remember her last name. She's with January a lot, but I never pay attention to anyone but my girl.

They're not paying attention, so I hang back and watch January for a minute. She's beautiful. Most girls go through an awkward phase, but she never did. She went from a cute little kid to a stunning young woman with hair like silk and the brightest emerald eyes I've ever seen. Her skin is golden from all the time she spends outside.

She's still tiny and curvy. I know she hopes she's not finished growing yet, but I kind of hope she stays as short as she is now. She's perfect. I love how she feels in my arms when she gets excited about something and hugs me.

"Yo, January," someone calls to her.

She and Mariah lift their heads at the same time as a boy I've never met starts moving toward her. He's got his backpack slung over one shoulder and a thick chain around his neck. His brown hair is tousled. He probably spent all fucking morning in front of the mirror trying to make it look like he just rolled out of bed. He's tall and lanky, maybe a year younger than I am. I don't like the way he leers at January with a cocky smirk on his face.

Mariah tugs on her sleeve and giggles as he approaches.

"Hi, Corey." January gives him a shy smile that makes my hands clench.

"Hey, gorgeous." Corey stops in front of her and leans down, getting in her personal space. He rests an arm on the lockers above her head, which pulls his shirt up in the back, showing his boxers where his pants sag.

I grit my teeth and start in their direction, pissed he's flirting with her and she's letting him. Maybe she's too young for me, but she's also too young for him. She's only thirteen. She doesn't need to be thinking about boys or any of that bullshit.

"Some of us are going to the dance together tomorrow and then to get pizza after. You wanna come?" Corey asks her.

"Um…" January whispers, and I'm not sure if she's hesitating because she wants to go with him or because she doesn't want to go and is just trying to be nice.

Fuck. Does she want to go with him?

"What do you say, babe? Want to go with me?"

"January!" I bark before she can answer.

She jerks backward, almost falling over. Her head whips in my direction and her eyes grow wide.

Mariah whispers something to her before darting off in the opposite direction.

I stomp toward her and Corey, annoyed he hasn't taken the hint and moved along.

"Hi, Cade," she whispers when I step up beside her to glare at Corey.

He frowns at me and draws himself up to his full height. He's tall, but I'm already six-two. I lift weights and run track. He's not even a match for me, but he's too stupid to get the point. Guess he doesn't know who I am yet. He will soon. I'll make sure of that.

"You ready to go, baby girl?" I ask her, holding his gaze as I step closer to her and sling my arm over her shoulder, making it clear she's off limits.

Corey's eyes narrow on me, but he doesn't say anything.

"I…yeah, I'm ready." January glances between the two of us and frowns like she's only just noticing the tension rippling through the air. "Bye, Corey."

"See you later, January," he mutters and then turns and storms off.

I drop my arm from around her and stomp away, pissed even though I don't have any right to be. She isn't mine. She's never been mine. I wish she was though.

When we were younger, it was different. I didn't understand what I felt toward her until Halloween. I thought I just wanted to keep her safe. But it's not like that now. I mean, I still want to keep her safe and take care of her. But she's also the only girl I've ever thought about kissing.

"Cade?" she says from behind me, her voice worried. "Can you slow down a little?"

Shit. She's practically running to keep up with me. I slow down immediately and give her a chance to catch up. Her bag bounces on her back as we walk. I take it from her and slide it onto my shoulder with mine like I usually do. She doesn't say anything as we weave our way out of the building and then through the parking lot to the sidewalk. I think she's mad at me.

"Do you want to go to the dance with him?" I blurt as we turn in the direction of our block. Like it, this part of the neighborhood is run down and depressing. The sidewalks and road are cracked and pitted. Most of the houses are falling apart. This is home though, the only one I remember clearly.

January shrugs a shoulder and tilts her head down so her long hair hides her face. "I don't know," she whispers.

"Do you like him?"

She shrugs again, stepping around a large crack in the cement at her feet. "Not really, but he's the only one who asked me to go. It was nice of him."

Well…shit. She used to get picked on a lot because she's so short and has always been a little curvy. Most people leave her alone now, but thanks to Mandy and some of the older girls, she doesn't have many friends. Mandy's a jealous bitch. She hates that I've never paid her any attention and always preferred to hang out with January, so she makes life as miserable for my girl as she can. I hate that January doesn't have many friends because of it, but I still don't want her going anywhere with Corey.

"You shouldn't go with him," I say before I can stop myself. "You're too young to be thinking about boys and dating and all that shit. You're still just a kid."

She stops walking and gapes at me. Her eyes narrow on me and her cheeks flush pink.

Crap. Now she's pissed.

Her mouth opens and then closes a few times. I expect her to yell at me like she does at Titan. They love each other like crazy, but they fight like cats and dogs sometimes too. He usually gives her whatever she wants, but occasionally, he puts up a fight. She's like a little soldier marching into battle when he gets her wound up. She stomps her feet and growls at him. It's cute as hell. I'm pretty sure he only does it because he thinks it's funny to watch, but I'd never dare tell her that.

I expect her to let me have it like she does him, but she doesn't. She stares at me for a second and then she shakes her head like she's disappointed in me and mutters something under her breath before stomping away. I'm pretty sure she just called me the most clueless boy on the planet, but I don't know what she's talking about.

I stare after her for a second, not sure what to make of her reaction, and then I have to jog to catch up with her. She may have short legs, but she moves fast when she's pissed.

"January, wait." I grab her arm when she ignores me.

She stops walking and spins to face me. Tears shimmer in her eyes, stealing my breath.

I made her cry.

I instantly feel like the biggest asshole. I hate when she cries. Seeing tears in her eyes breaks my heart every damn time.

"I'm sorry, little mon–"

She leans up on her tiptoes and presses her lips to mine, silencing me.

Her lips are so soft and taste like peppermint and sugary candy. I like the way they feel on mine. I like the way her breath blows sweetly across my face too. Her little body nestles into mine. I've thought about kissing her a thousand times, but this is so much better than I thought it would be.

Something settles deep in my chest, clicking into place. This feels right…like it's supposed to happen. I'm not sure what that means, but she smells like vanilla and sugar, and I want to kiss her all day long.

As soon as the thought strikes, she gasps into my mouth and then jumps backwards. Her eyes go wide in obvious distress. "I'm so sorry!" she cries, and then she spins around and runs from me.

What the fuck?

I stand there for a second, not sure why she's running away from me. Does she think I didn't like her kissing me? Is she afraid I don't like her like that? Is she worried Titan will lose his mind?

Christ. Titan.

He's going to kill me when he finds out his baby sister kissed me, and I let her do it. I think I'll actually have to let him kick my ass. I broke the biggest rule there is. Siblings are off limits.

Everyone knows that…except me, apparently. Because I want her to kiss me again. Actually, I want to kiss her this time and I don't want her to run off after I do it.

Shit.

"Kincaid!"

"Dammit," I swear as January disappears down the block. Turning to glance over my shoulder, I see Curtis Kaleo jogging toward me.

I want to tell him to fuck off, but respect is important to guys like Kaleo. When something sets him off, the collateral damage can be nasty. If he feels slighted or disrespected, he won't let it go.

I don't have time for his bullshit today, but I don't have a fucking choice. I can't risk him causing us more problems.

"What's up?" I ask when he catches up to me.

"She's cute," he says. His white teeth gleam and his blue eyes twinkle with mischief.

My stomach sinks.

He saw her kiss me.

"Don't worry, I won't tell Titan," he says, a hint of satisfaction in his expression. He rubs his hand down his face like he's straightening his goatee, though I think he's just trying to hide a smile. "I know how pissed he'd be to find out his best friend is putting the moves on his little sister."

"It's not even like that," I mutter, gritting my teeth.

"I know that." He holds his hands up in a placating gesture, but the smug grin on his face screams that he's up to no good. "I'm not so sure he'd believe that though. You two looked pretty cozy."

"What do you want, Kaleo?" I snap, too frustrated to play his game.

His smile slips. The scar at the bottom right corner of his lip curves down, making him appear as if he's snarling at me even though he's trying to play it cool.

"Just wanted to warn you that you should probably stay away from January before Titan finds out," he says, his voice level. He's pissed but doesn't want me to know it. "You know, just watching out for you."

"Yeah, sure." He's lying through his teeth. The only thing he's watching out for is himself. He just wanted to let me know he saw her kiss me. I don't even have to guess to know he's going to try to hold that over my head, try to blackmail me into finally joining his crew. Which means I'm going to have to tell Titan about the kiss before he does.

Fucking hell.

"Catch you later, Kincaid," he says and then jogs back across the street.

"Dammit," I mutter under my breath and then take off running toward the house to make sure January's okay. She's too small to be running off like that, especially with Kaleo creeping around. I don't want him anywhere near my girl. The thought alone sets my teeth on edge.

When I get to my house, Ma Lucia is sitting on the front porch, drinking her coffee.

"Hey, sweet boy," she says, smiling at me when I jog up the steps and drop my backpack by the front door.

"Hi, Ma Lucia." I lean down and kiss her wrinkled cheek. She's aged a lot in the last few years. Her hair is completely gray, and she's lost a lot of weight. She looks frail, but she's still full of energy. She says the weight loss was good for her, but it worries me.

"January went running by here about five minutes ago," she observes quietly, holding my gaze. She knows something is up, so there's no point even trying to hide it from her. How she always knows when something's going on, I don't know, but she does. Trying to hide anything from her is impossible. It's easier to just tell the truth and get it over with.

"Yeah." I tip my head backward, closing my eyes. "She kissed me."

"Did she?"

"Yeah, then she ran off."

"Hmm."

Hmm? What is that supposed to mean?

I tip my head forward and crack my eyes open to find Ma Lucia smiling at me over the rim of her coffee cup. She doesn't seem disappointed or mad. Maybe a little worried…but there's also a touch of amusement twinkling in her eyes.

"You're not mad about it?" I ask, just to make sure.

"You've been in love with that little girl for years," she says with a laugh.

I shrug, my cheeks burning. Like I said, Ma Lucia knows everything. She may be old and frail, but her mind is as sharp as a tack.

"Just promise me that you'll wait until she's older to do anything more than kiss her," she says, reaching out to wrap my hand in hers. "You're both too young for any nonsense, you hear me? I don't want you making Jana a grandmamma before January's even out of high school."

"Yes ma'am," I mumble, blushing again. It's not even like that. Well, I mean maybe I want to do that stuff with her one day, but not right now. She's way too young. Her mom would kill both of us. Actually, Titan would kill me and then her mom would kill her. Either way, there would be bodies to hide. I'd prefer to keep both of our bodies intact.

"Go talk to your girl, sweet boy," Ma Lucia says and pats me on the cheek. "I'll wait for a little while to start dinner."

"Thanks, Ma Lucia. But you don't have to cook. I'll do it after I check on January." I kiss her on the cheek once more and then fly down the stairs to go check on January. Her mom works late during the school week so she can be at home with January and Titan on the weekends, so I know January is probably in there by herself, freaking out about kissing me.

I jog up the steps to her front door and knock.

"Go away, Cade!" she yells from inside.

I smile and shake my head. She can't believe that's going to work. It never does.

"You know I'm not going away," I call softly and tap on the door again.

She doesn't say anything, but I hear her shuffling around inside.

"Don't make me use the hid-a-key, little monster."

She cracks it open a second later. Her eyes are red and puffy. Knowing she's been crying makes my chest ache.

I press my palm to my sternum, trying to rub away the little pain, but then a tear slips down her cheek. As soon as I see it, I push the door open, forcing her to let me inside with her.

"Don't cry," I plead, pulling her into my arms before she can turn away from me. "Please don't cry."

She burrows her face into my shirt but doesn't return my embrace.

"I'm fucking glad you kissed me," I blurt, rubbing her back.

"You are?" she whispers, her voice muffled.

"Yeah." I smile.

She's quiet for a minute. "You're not mad at me?"

"I'm never mad at you, baby girl."

"You said I was just a kid."

"I was jealous," I admit, running my hands through her hair. It's so soft. It slips through my fingers like strands of silk. I could play with her hair all day and never get tired of it. "He asked you to the dance and you didn't tell him no. It pissed me off."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because I want you to be mine."

She tips her head back to gawk at me, her mouth opened in a surprised "O". I can't help but chuckle at how adorable she looks with her mouth hanging open like that. I brush away the tears drying on her cheeks and then push her mouth closed with a finger beneath her chin. She is incredibly beautiful. Even with her eyes all red and puffy, she's the prettiest little monster I've ever met before. She still reminds me of the little dolls she used to have in her room…the porcelain ones with the big, pretty eyes.

"Titan's probably going to be pissed about it," I whisper to her and then kiss her on the forehead and both of her cheeks. Her skin is even softer than her hair. "But I've wanted to kiss you for a long time."

"Oh."

"Do you want to go to the dance with Corey?" I ask, worried she might like him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if she does. Probably kick his ass so he can't come near her and then beg her to forgive me for it after I do it. She'll have to forgive me eventually, right?

Shit, I hope so. It'd suck if she stayed pissed at me forever.

"No," she whispers, allowing me to pull in a deep breath of relief. Her lashes flutter. They're so long. Her emerald eyes catch mine, searing into me. "I wanted you to kiss me too."

"How long?"

"A long time," she mumbles, her cheeks turning pink.

Happiness swells inside me, sending my heart soaring. I feel like a king with her sweet words ringing in my ears. The smile on my face feels like it's going to crack my cheeks because it's so big, but I don't care. She likes me too. I'm the luckiest bastard on the planet.

"Can I kiss you now?" I whisper, my voice husky.

She nods.

I lean forward and press my lips to hers. Just like our first kiss, this one is incredible…only it's better, because she doesn't run from me this time.

I close my eyes, letting the memory wash over me. But then reality slaps me in the face, and I'm just standing there alone, the bitter taste of regret choking me.

Fuck. I need to get out of here.

I hop on my bike, the city lights beckoning like a beacon of sin calling its lost son home.