Chapter Six

January

I think I'm dying. Actually, I think my best friend is dying because I'm going to kill her. My head pounds so hard as I lay in my bed that it feels like a hot poker stabs me in the temple over and over. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth, and my lips are dry and cracked. I desperately need to brush my teeth and gargle a bottle of mouthwash.

That's not even the worst part.

A shredded, torn ruin sits in the cavity where my heart used to be. It's an all-too-familiar feeling—as if my heart went through an industrial-grade shredder. Cade's mouthwatering scent fills my lungs. It's everywhere, as if he's in bed beside me, holding me like he used to do when we were kids, and the world made sense. It's been seven damn years, but he still smells exactly the same. Like home…some indescribably rich and masculine spice that makes me feel safe and whole, even though I'm definitely not whole and probably not even particularly safe.

Even worse?

I remember each excruciating and embarrassing second of what happened last night.

I thought drunk people were supposed to forget whatever humiliating things they did while intoxicated, but no. Not me. I remember every word I said. I remember the way he looked at me like I was breaking his heart even though he crushed mine a long damn time ago. I remember how hard his body felt against mine when he pulled me into his arms. I remember falling apart right in front of him.

I said things to him I never would have said without a bottle and a half of wine pumping through my system.

Things I never wanted him to know. I've been hung up on him for years, unable to forget the one part of my heart that survived my childhood. Now, he knows it, too.

"Wine is the devil," I mumble. Cracking my eyes open, I stare up at the ceiling in my bedroom, trying to find the willpower to get out of bed and get on with my life.

"Knock, knock."

I roll my eyes toward the bedroom door to see Mariah standing right over the threshold, watching me carefully. With her hair up in a bun, her clothes all neat and ironed, and her makeup subtly perfect, she appears as well-coiffed as she does every other day of the week. Her brown eyes fill with worry as they flit across my face.

"How are you functioning?" I groan as my head continues to throb.

Her worried expression eases as she strolls into my room. "Here." She holds out a glass of water, crackers, and some Tylenol. "This will make you feel better."

I grunt wordlessly, not convinced there's enough Tylenol in the world to make me feel better this morning, but I sit up carefully and take it anyway. The water soothes the worst of the pain in my throat. My tongue doesn't feel like it's glued to the roof of my mouth anymore, either.

Mariah perches on the edge of the bed while I nibble on the crackers.

"I remember what happened," I mutter, putting her out of her misery. I know she wants to ask but is afraid to remind me that I lost it last night. Not that I blame her. I wouldn't want to have to deliver that blow if our roles were reversed. Sorry to tell you, but you had a meltdown in front of your ex and had to be carried to bed . It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

"You do?" Relief flashes across her face, and then she gives me a sympathetic frown. "I think you should talk to him."

"No, thanks. I think I talked enough last night," I mumble around a mouthful of crackers.

She eyes me for a minute, running her teeth back and forth over her bottom lip like she does when she's trying to make a difficult decision. She's done the same thing for as long as I've known her. It's a dead giveaway that I'm not going to like whatever she has to say.

"Just tell me," I sigh, ready to get it over with.

"I don't think he's over you," she blurts out.

"Yeah, right." I drop the rest of the crackers into the trashcan beside the bed, my stomach churning. As if I haven't been down that same rabbit hole before. I've had elaborate fantasies of him coming back to profess his undying love so many times over the years it's honestly pathetic. And it always ends the same way… with me crashing back down into painful reality with all the force of a meteor. It hurts every damn time.

"I'm serious, January," she says, pushing her glasses up on her nose before turning her body to face me. "You didn't see the look on his face last night."

"What look?" I ask, curious if she saw the same thing I did or if I just imagined it. I probably just imagined it, but part of me wants to be wrong. That's the same idiotic part that still dreams about him coming back for me.

"He looked like you did for months after he left," she whispers. "And I'm pretty sure he was ready to cry when he ran out of here."

That pulls me up short. In all the years I knew Cade, I never once saw him cry. Not even when…I jerk my mind away, refusing to think about that right now. If I go there, I'll lose it all over again. The point is, I've never seen him cry, so I doubt he was ready to cry over me. Mariah wants to believe in happily-ever-afters so badly she's chasing the same ghosts I used to chase. But eventually, she'll reach the same conclusion I did. Happy endings don't exist in South Central.

"I'm not saying you have to forgive him," she says, squeezing my hand in a silent show of support or sympathy or whatever this particular situation calls for. "But I've known you forever, January, and you never got over him. He broke your heart, and you're still hurting over it. At the very least, maybe talking to him will give you the closure you never got so you can move on. You deserve to be happy, but you never will be until you make peace with your past."

She's right, damn her. But she's wrong too because there is no getting over Cade, not for me. Not now. Maybe not ever. I accepted a long time ago that the biggest piece of my heart would always belong to him. He claimed my soul before I was even old enough to understand that the sweet boy who picked me up when I fell would turn into the man who made me fall the hardest. He turned into the man who broke me. And God help me, I'd let him do it again.

"I told him I hated him."

Mariah blinks at me.

"The day he left, I told him I hated him." Tears burn at the back of my eyes even though they don't fall. "I was so angry with everyone and everything. I told him I hated him and that I'd never forgive him. I told him that I never wanted to see him again."

I didn't mean it, but I was hurting, and I lashed out at him. Back then, it seemed like the logical thing to do, to make him hurt like I hurt. I thought he couldn't possibly understand how I felt, and I didn't want to feel it alone. I was drowning, and I just wanted it to stop. Instead, I pushed him out the door.

Mariah blames him because I was a coward, and I let her believe he just left me. Because that was easier than facing the truth. I made him walk away. The last seven years have been my punishment, but I'm still mad at him for it.

How selfish is that? I pushed him out the door…and I'm still mad at him for letting me do it.

"Oh, January," Mariah whispers, pulling me in for a tight hug. "You were going through the worst thing imaginable, and you said something you didn't mean. You're both still hurting over it. That much is obvious."

I cling to her for a minute, borrowing a little of her strength since I've never had very much of my own. Cade and Titan were always strong for me so I didn't have to be. Even after all these years, I still haven't found my own strength. It takes all I have to keep moving forward, to get up and go about each day without crashing to the ground.

I'm still in love with Cade, but I don't know how to fix what I broke. I don't even know if he wants to fix it. What if Mariah's wrong, and he's moved on?

What if she's right and he hasn't? a little voice counters.

"I'll talk to him," I sigh, too scared to hope but hopeful as hell anyway.

I spend all day waiting around the house for Cade to return to Ma Lucia's, ready to get this over quickly and painlessly. Every time a car passes by, my heart races. I find myself peeking out the window incessantly, but it's never him. I'm not even sure if he plans to return at all. For all I know, when he left last night, it was for good.

Refusing to dwell on the way that thought grinds in my chest, making my entire soul ache, I start cleaning. I make my way through each room, scrubbing down everything in my path. By the time dark falls, my hangover is a distant memory, and the house is spotless. I've also baked enough cookies to feed a small army…and I'm still obsessing.

There are so many things I want to say to Cade. So many questions I want to ask him. He left me and never looked back. Did that hurt him at all? It's hard to believe he hurt like I did because he stayed away. For seven fucking years. If he loved me like I loved him, how the hell did he survive?

Because I certainly haven't been surviving without him. I go to work, and I come home. Sometimes, Mariah drags me out with her. She makes me go to dinner or to get drinks, or to the movies. I go through the motions, but I'm in limbo…stuck in the past because it's not over for me. It's still haunting me. He's still haunting me.

I pour myself a cup of tea and head outside, tired of being cooped up. I curl up in a rocking chair on the front porch and listen to the crickets and frogs.

My neighborhood is falling apart, but it's still home to me. I've lived in the same house since the father I don't even remember left my mom when I was a baby. We never had much growing up, but my mom worked hard to provide for us, and our house was full of love.

"You shouldn't be out here by yourself," Cade says.

I cry out, alarmed as he pops up on the other side of the porch railing. I never even heard him coming. My hand flies to my chest, trying to calm the way my pulse pounds with fear.

"You scared me," I mutter, and then I get a good glimpse at him.

He looks awful. Even with all those tattoos and that hardness—the dangerous vibe that radiates from him although he's standing completely still—he's too handsome for words. But his eyes are troubled and rimmed with dark shadows. His jaw is scruffy where he hasn't shaved. His hair is a mess, and his jeans and black t-shirt are wrinkled. The gauges in his ears and the piercing in his nose make him look dangerous in a way I find far too appealing. The bandage on his arm is gone, revealing a cut about four inches long. There are still a couple of stitches holding the edges of his puffy skin together. His hands are all cut up now too.

Has he been fighting?

"I'm not the monster in the dark you should be afraid of, ba–January," he says, crossing his arms over his broad chest. His gaze roves across my face, but he never meets my eyes. Even then, I feel exposed in a way I never have before.

"I'm not afraid of Kaleo." I pull my legs up into the chair and wrap my arms around my knees as if that will keep him from seeing the painful, ugly things inside that still hurt.

"You should be." He climbs up the steps, his footfalls heavy on the old wood. His boots and the bottoms of his jeans are splattered with mud. He stops at the top and props his shoulder up on the post, still watching me. "He's after the park. He won't stop until he gets it or someone stops him."

"He can't have it. It's mine."

Cade eyes me for a minute and then sighs.

"Where were you all these years?"

I don't think he's going to answer me, but he mutters a soft curse. "The Army at first, and then Seattle."

"You enlisted?"

He jerks his head in a nod. "I served less than a year before I was discharged."

"I didn't know that." There's so much I don't know. What happened to him while he was gone? He's not the same boy I knew. This version of Cade is…dark. Dangerous. The haunted weariness in his eyes leaves me with the distinct impression that he carries the weight of the whole world on his broad shoulders and has for a long time, but there are seven years of history there that I don't understand.

He's like a lullaby sung in a different language. The notes are the same, but the lyrics have changed. I don't know what they mean now.

"I didn't think you were still here," I say when he doesn't speak. "Your bike is gone."

"I left it with a friend," he says.

"Oh."

An awkward silence stretches between us. I hate it. Being with him was like breathing. It was effortless. I didn't have to think about it or worry about it. He never made me feel out of place or like I didn't fit. He made me feel like I mattered. Like I had a place and a purpose. People accepted me because of him and Titan. All these years later, people still accept me because of them.

"I'm sorry about last night," I whisper, my heart pounding. Now that the moment's here, I'm unsure where to begin unburdening myself.

"There is no other woman." He fidgets, rocking on his heels and then running a hand through his hair. He looks out into the yard and then down at his feet. "I had to come back. The guy who took my friend's wife wanted to do some seriously fucked up shit. Letting that happen wasn't an option."

"Oh." I swallow and then lick my lips, feeling guilty for being jealous. It's such a petty, destructive emotion. "Is…is she okay?"

"Not really, but she will be. She's got Tristan. He'll make sure she's straight."

"That's good then."

We drift off, both peering everywhere but at each other. I stare out into the yard. The flowerbeds will need to be weeded soon. Dandelions keep popping up all over the place.

"Are you staying for long?" I ask to fill the silence and then peek up at him.

He's watching me this time, a furrow between his brows.

"Didn't plan on it, but who knows?" He shrugs, that furrow growing deeper. His face is so much more severe than it used to be. There's a wild savagery there that I only ever saw once—the day he got into a fight with Corey Love in the park over me.

Then – Age Fifteen

"Where are we going?" I ask Cade.

"It's a surprise." He dangles a sleep mask in front of my face. "I need you to put this on."

"Did you steal that from Ma Lucia?" I ask, eyeing the silky piece of fabric. It's a pale purple color, with little roses all over it. It appears dainty in his work-roughened hands.

He shrugs a shoulder. "I'll give it back to her later. Put it on."

I hold my hair up and let him slip it over my head. He adjusts it over my eyes before slipping my helmet on over it.

"Can you see me?" he asks.

I think about telling him yes to mess with him, but he sounds so serious and excited about whatever he's planned for us today. My birthday was Tuesday, and he's been working hard on his surprise. I don't want to ruin it.

"I can't see a thing," I promise him instead.

"You sure? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Cade!" I laugh. "I promise I can't see anything."

"Okay. Just checking," he mumbles, and I know if I could see him, he'd be blushing.

The thought makes me smile.

We ride for several minutes, my arms around him, his bike vibrating beneath us. I've never felt freer than I do when I'm on the back of his bike with my arms around him like this. It's my favorite place in the world.

Eventually, he pulls to a stop. I have no idea where we are. My sense of direction is not great, especially with a mask on. It seemed like we were going in circles. A couple of seconds later, I feel him turn toward me.

"Gonna carry you," he says, climbing from the bike before slipping my helmet off, being careful to keep the mask on. He lifts me into his arms like I weigh nothing.

I wrap my arms around his neck and lay my head on his shoulder, sighing softly. He's been carrying me around since I was a little girl. I should probably stop him, but I love being in his arms. I feel safe there, like nothing can hurt me. It doesn't hurt that I can feel how his muscles bunch and contract, either. I love feeling his body against mine.

He carries me for a few minutes before he sets me on my feet and turns me how he wants me. Once he's satisfied, he brushes his lips across my cheek and then whispers, "You can look now."

I pull off the sleep mask.

"Happy fifteenth birthday, little monster."

"Cade," I gasp. We're at the park down the street. He laid his old Batman sleeping blanket out in the grass beneath the oak tree by the basketball court. A picnic basket rests on top beside a package wrapped in bright pink paper, a bouquet of wildflowers, and a box of chocolates. It's so sweet; my eyes sting with tears.

"Did you drive in circles so I wouldn't know where we were going?" I ask, smiling so big my cheeks hurt.

"Maybe."

I fling myself at him. He catches me, chuckling when I wrap my arms around his waist and squeeze as hard as I can.

"I wanted to surprise you. Do you like it?"

"It's perfect," I whisper.

He cuddles me to his chest for a second and then steps back. "Come on." He kicks his shoes off and settles down on the blanket, patting the space beside him. "Let's eat."

I immediately drop to my knees on the blanket.

He chuckles at my enthusiasm and hands me the flowers and chocolates. "For you," he says, smiling. "But you have to share your chocolate with me, little monster."

I laugh, sticking my tongue out at him. He already knows there's not a chance I'm sharing.

He pulls food out of the basket as I peer around, grinning from ear to ear. We're the only two people in the park. Right after Cade kissed me last year, Kaleo shot out several of Ma Lucia's windows, resulting in Cade and Titan organizing the MC into an even tighter group.

With them patrolling, no one comes into the park without their permission now. Not unless they want to answer to Cade and Titan. Everything is a lot nicer now.

I'm not sure what will happen when Cade goes to college. It worries me sometimes. I'm not afraid of Kaleo, but he's dangerous, and doesn't like that Cade won't bow to him. He's desperate to get Cade under his thumb for some reason. When Cade leaves, I think Kaleo will make life much harder around here than it should be just because he can.

"What are you thinking about?" Cade asks as we eat the sandwiches and chips he assembled for us.

"Just thinking about when you leave for college next year," I say, staring down at my food.

"You worried about me leaving you, January?" he asks me, his voice serious.

"I know you have to go, but I'll miss you. That's all."

He reaches out to tug on a strand of my hair. "I'm not going anywhere."

"What do you mean?" I frown at him.

"I mean, I'm not leaving for school next year." He shrugs. "I'll probably just go to community college for a while."

I drop my sandwich, staring at him like he's crazy. "Cade, you have to go to college," I say. He's way too smart to go to community college. His grades are better than mine, and I usually make straight A's. He should be at a good school. I know he applied to several of them. "A good college. You're too smart for community college."

"I didn't say I wouldn't go to a good school," he says, wiping his hands on his pants. "I will go to one eventually."

"When?" I demand, narrowing my eyes at him. The way he avoids looking me in the eyes is worrisome. He's up to something.

"In a few years," he mumbles.

"You mean after I graduate," I whisper, my heart sinking. Part of me wants to do a happy dance that he doesn't want to leave me behind. The other part—the less selfish part—knows I can't let him do that. For as long as I've known him, he's talked about making something out of his life. I can't let him throw that away for me. Not very many people make it out of our neighborhood. I want him to be one of the few who do make it.

"It's not a big deal." He takes a big drink from his water bottle. "I'll take basic classes at community college, and then when you graduate, I'll enroll where you go to finish out my degree."

"No."

His brows pull together as he stares at me. "It's my decision. Besides, Ma Lucia can't afford to pay for me to go to college. She barely makes it by as it is."

He's not going to budge on this. He's going to throw his shot at getting out of here away because of me. My stomach churns with nausea.

"I want to break up," I blurt.

"What the fuck, January?" he growls at me.

I jump to my feet, knocking my plate off my lap in the process. My heart thumps hard, feeling like it might crack apart, but I won't back down. Breaking up with him will probably kill me, but I won't let him put his future on hold or ruin it because of me. He's too important to me to let that happen.

"I'm breaking up with you." I hate how my voice shakes and my eyes blur with tears. "I don't want to be with you anymore."

He carefully sets his plate to the side and climbs to his feet. His eyes never leave mine. "Liar," he says softly.

"I'm not lying," I lie, hiding my hands behind my back so he can't see how they shake. "I don't want to be with you anymore, Cade. I-I think we should see other people."

Pain fills his eyes, turning them more blue than gray now. The sight kills me.

What are you doing? I silently scream at myself…but I don't take the words back.

He opens his mouth to say something, and then his gaze darts over my shoulder. His body goes rigid, anger rolling through his expression. His lips pull down into a frown, his eyes narrowing. "Go wait by my bike, baby girl," he says quietly.

I spin around to see what he's looking at, and my stomach sinks.

Kaleo's hurrying toward us with Corey Love and another guy in tow. Corey glances at me and then mutters something to the guy beside him before licking his lips.

He's been a jerk ever since Cade and I got together. He told a bunch of people that I let him touch me under the bleachers. When Titan found out, he kicked his ass.

Now, Corey spends all his time hanging around Kaleo. He does as much as he can to annoy Cade and Titan.

"Yo, Kincaid!" Kaleo yells.

"Go wait by my bike, January," Cade says. He quickly pulls me behind him, putting himself between me and Kaleo to shield me.

I know I should listen to him and go, but I don't want to leave him alone with these three. There's no one else out here to help him if they try to start something.

Kaleo, Corey, and the other guy draw to a stop a few steps away from Cade. I don't know who the guy with them is, but he's big, with cold, bloodshot eyes.

"Why the fuck are you in my park, Kaleo?" Cade asks. He doesn't sound like the same guy who told me last night that his favorite sound in the world is the way I say his name after he kisses me. He doesn't even resemble the same guy. He stands straight, his body rock hard with tension, his hands clenched at his sides.

This is the Cade people whisper about—the one they're afraid of messing with. I don't think Kaleo's afraid of him, though. Kaleo thinks he's some big, bad guy. He's honestly a little pathetic. Most of the people he runs around with are half his age. He just gets them into trouble.

"Micah just got picked up by LAPD," Kaleo says.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me," Cade retorts. "Doesn't explain why you're in my park."

The other guy with Kaleo mutters something under his breath.

"What'd you say?" Cade growls, taking a step toward him.

"I called you a snitch, motherfucker," the guy says, enunciating each word.

"I didn't snitch on anyone," Cade snaps at him, his voice dark and threatening. "If Micah is in jail, his own stupid ass got him sent there. He shouldn't be selling pot to kids outside the fucking middle school."

"You'd know all about what happens at the middle school, wouldn't you? You spent enough time there trying to get in January's pants." Corey leans around Cade like he's trying to get a better look at me. "Hi, little monster," he says, pitching his voice deep like he's mimicking Cade. "Did you finally let him tap that sexy ass like you let me?"

Before I can even process what's happening, Cade lunges at him, a savage snarl rumbling in his throat. "Don't fucking call her that!"

I scream when he plows into Corey, knocking him to the ground. They roll around in the grass, with Cade throwing punches while Corey tries to defend himself. Corey is no match for Cade, though. He can't even get Cade off him.

"Don't fucking speak to her, you motherfucker," Cade roars, his fist connecting with Corey's face in a sickening crunch.

"You going to help him out or just stand there?" Kaleo barks at the guy beside him.

The guy with him jumps forward and grabs Cade before throwing him off Corey. Cade lands on his hands and knees in the grass. Before he can get back on his feet or even try to protect himself, the guy kicks him in the ribs, laughing viciously.

Corey jumps to his feet and grabs the back of Cade's hoodie, holding him while the other guy rears his foot back, kicking him in the stomach again and then again.

My terrified scream echoes around us, my throat aching. My knees tremble, black spots swimming in my field of vision. I've never been so afraid in my life. I rush forward to help Cade, but Kaleo clamps his hands around my waist, dragging me backward.

"Let me go!" I scream, kicking as hard as I can.

He grunts when my foot connects with his knee. He releases me, holding his hands up and laughing like he was trying to help me out or something.

I desperately want to punch him in the face.

"Cade!" Titan roars from somewhere behind me.

Relief rushes through me at the sound of his voice and I choke on a sob. Spinning around, I see him, Quan, Boots, and Mark racing toward us across the parking lot.

Kaleo sees them, too, and swears loudly. "Corey, Dante, enough," he snaps, which has fury churning through me. He was perfectly fine with Cade being outnumbered a minute ago. But now that he's outnumbered, he's calling his boys off.

What a coward.

I spin back around to see Dante kick Cade again before Corey lets him go. Corey's lip is split open, and he's got a black eye and a cut on his cheek. His nose is bleeding too. He looks bad.

Cade jumps to his feet and lunges for Corey. His hoodie is ripped and he has a red mark on his cheek, but he doesn't otherwise appear to be injured. He's mad as hell as Titan grabs him, and Kaleo grabs Corey, keeping them from going at each other again.

"Get him the fuck out of my park, Kaleo," Cade demands, breathing hard. "And don't come back here." He locks eyes with Corey. "Say another fucking word about January, and I swear to God, you won't get up next time, motherfucker."

"You running your mouth about my sister again, Corey?" Titan growls, taking a menacing step in Corey's direction.

Corey flips him off before Kaleo shoves him to get him moving.

"Stay out of my park, Kaleo," Cade says, his voice so soft I'm not even sure if Kaleo hears him until he chuckles like he finds Cade's warning funny.

We all watch until Kaleo, Corey, and Dante disappear over the hill on the far side of the park, and then Cade turns to look at me. His expression softens for a minute, and then he frowns, glancing at my brother.

"Titan, take her home." He shoves his feet into his shoes…and then walks away.

"Cade!" I shout after him, but he doesn't turn around.

I don't see him again until he shows up on my doorstep hours later, looking like his world is crumbling. He's moving slow, as if he's in pain. The red mark on his cheek has turned into a bruise.

"Are you okay?" I ask when I manage to find my voice.

"You really want to break up with me?" he asks at the same time.

I shake my head no as tears slip down my cheeks again. I've been crying all afternoon.

"Things like today are why I don't want to attend college. Kaleo has it out for me. I'm worried he'll come after you as soon as I'm not here to protect you." He runs his hand through his hair, messing it all up. "He knows how I feel about you. It's not like it's a big secret. That's why Corey said what he did today. He knew I'd go after him for it. Kaleo wanted that shit to happen. If Titan and the boys hadn't shown up…"

I'm not sure how I feel about that. Until today, I guess I never realized just how bad things are with Kaleo. I knew things weren't great—I mean, he shot out Cade's windows—but Cade and Titan keep a lot from me.

A lot more than I fully grasped until today.

Would Corey and his friend have killed Cade if Titan and the boys hadn't shown up?

Is this the first time they've done something like this?

It scares the crap out of me that I don't know how to answer either of those questions. But I don't want to talk about that yet. I think I'm afraid of the answers.

"What's not a big secret?" I whisper instead, dashing away my tears.

Cade stares at me, as solemn and serious as ever. "That I'm crazy in love with you."

My heart stops beating for a second before it races away from me.

He pushes away from the post and steps toward me, still moving slowly. He reaches out to wipe away my tears with gentle hands. "Everyone knows I'm in love with you. It'd break my fucking heart if Kaleo did something to hurt you to get at me, January."

"I don't want you to put your entire future on hold for me," I tell him, trying not to cave on this even though I really want to right now. But this is important. Real damn important.

He and Titan may protect me from a lot, but I know what kind of neighborhood we live in. I know how many kids never make it out of places like this. Instead, they end up just like Kaleo. That's not the kind of future I want for Cade. He's too smart to end up stuck here with no way out. He's too good to wind up like Kaleo.

"It's not much of a future without you." Cade gives me a sad little smile. "I want to be the guy who says I'll let you go if that's what you really want, but I'm not that guy, January. I won't give you up without a fight."

"You're the only thing I've ever wanted, Cade. But you have to go to college. You're the smartest person I know. You've wanted to do something important with your life for as long as I've known you. I love you too much to let you throw that away."

He freezes, his body going still even as a smile stretches across his handsome face. Some of the sadness leeches from his expression, replaced by hope. He's so beautiful when he's happy. "You love me?"

"I've always loved you," I tell him. It's the truth. Maybe fifteen is too young to know what I'm talking about. But I know that seeing him happy makes me happy. When he's sad, it breaks my heart. My chest hurts when I think about never kissing him again. I know I've never looked at anyone else like I do at him. My life is better because he's in it, and when I think about him not being here, I can't breathe. And I know that I'd rather break my own heart than watch him throw his life away for me. If that's not love, then I don't know what is.

"UCLA isn't far from here," he murmurs, still smiling. "I researched that shit today. It's a thirty-minute drive from our block to campus. I could do that."

"You want to go to UCLA?"

"They have a pretty good literature program. I could probably get a scholarship for my grades. They offer a lot of them."

"You looked into it?" I ask.

He nods. "Yeah, I went to the library today. I figured if you were going to break up with me for not going to school, I needed to devise a different plan." He runs his thumb over my bottom lip. "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you, January."

"Promise you'll find a way to go to a real school? A good one," I clarify.

"I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy," he says, completely serious. "But I won't ever leave you here alone, little monster. I can't do that."

I push the memory away, trying to stay in the present. To be here with Cade now.

"I never hated you," I whisper. It kills me a little to know I'm part of the reason he's still in so much pain. I was a selfish little girl who lashed out just so I didn't have to hurt alone. I guess I got what I wanted. Seven years later, we're both still bleeding. "I was hurt and angry and wanted you to hurt too. But I never hated you, Cade. I never wanted you to leave."

"You should have hated me," he whispers back, his expression so solemn and serious that tears slip down my cheeks. "You should still hate me. I took everything from you."

"It wasn't your fault," I argue, shaking my head. "I never blamed you. You shouldn't blame yourself either."

He gives me a sad smile. "You always saw more in me than was there. I never deserved you." The self-loathing in his voice breaks me.

"You're wrong. I was the one who didn't deserve you." I dash away the tears blurring my vision and give him a watery smile. "You were always larger than life to me, my own personal hero. And now look at you. You're an honest-to-God hero."

Cade chuckles, the deep sound hitting me low in my stomach. Heat floods through me in a warm rush. "I'm no one's hero, sweetheart."

"I bet the people you've saved would say different," I argue, though I'm unsure why. Clearly, he doesn't see himself the way I always have. He's been my hero my entire damn life.

His expression twists, and he holds his hands up, palms facing me. He hits me with a look of such intense self-hatred it pins me to my chair and steals my breath. "I've got so much blood on my hands I'll never wash clean, January. The lives I've saved don't even compare to the lives I've taken and the blood I've spilled. I'm not the hero of this story or any other. I'm just the motherfucker waiting in the dark for people like Kaleo."

I flinch, taken aback by how easily those words roll off his tongue. The powerful emotion in his eyes reflects in his voice, running so deep it's overwhelming.

"You should get out of here for a few days," he says, pushing away from the post. "Kaleo isn't fucking around. You're only going to get yourself hurt trying to fight him."

"I'm not going anywhere, Cade."

"Why not?" he asks, clearly exasperated with me. He throws his hands up again, flinging his arms wide this time. "Open your eyes, little monster. This place is falling the fuck apart. It was a shithole when we were growing up, and it's a shithole now. The only thing here worth saving is you."

Anger courses through me at his words. I jump to my feet, glaring at him. "It may be a shithole, but it matters to me. I won't run and hide while Kaleo strolls in and takes it from me. Everything else I love is gone. He doesn't get to take what's left. I won't let him."

"Dammit, January," Cade groans, and I can't tell if he's pissed at me for refusing or if he's just annoyed at being back here in general. It doesn't matter either way.

Once upon a time, I would have given him anything he asked for, no questions asked. But that was then, and this is now. He might not be willing to fight for this block any longer, but I am.

"Maybe you can turn your back on your home," I growl at him, desperately wanting to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum like I did when I was little. "But I can't. I won't . I will fight to keep that bastard off this block until I can't fight anymore."

"You're going to get yourself killed."

"Then at least I'll die having stood for something."

Sometimes, I think maybe dying wouldn't be so bad. That's not normal. It's not healthy. But sometimes I think about it anyway.

"Is that what this is about?" he growls, taking a step toward me, an unholy light in his eyes. "You want to die?"

"My life isn't your business any longer, Cade. Just go."

"Goddammit," he swears. "Answer me, January."

"Go to hell."

"I'm already there, baby girl." He laughs without humor, the sound bitter and mocking.

I flinch before I can stop myself. This is hell to him. Seeing me again, being near me, is hell.

"I never asked you to come back," I snap, slamming my hands down on my hips to scowl at him. "Go back to Seattle, Cade. I haven't needed you for seven years, and I don't need you now!"

He grabs me before I can storm inside the house. Sparks of electric fire dance up my arm, shooting off in all directions from where his fingers grip my upper arm. His steely blue-gray eyes meet mine, so dark gray they're almost black. His nostrils flare as his expression turns feral, predatory...hungry.

The stark need shining in his eyes has me licking my lips. My nipples harden, my traitorous body blooming for him.

A guttural groan breaks from his lips, and then he's on me, pinning me to the front door.

He's not the only guilty party here. Oh, God no.

I sink my fingers into his hair and climb his body, anchoring myself to him with my legs around his waist.

"Fuck," he curses, then his lips are on mine. He kisses me like a man possessed. There's nothing sweet or gentle about the way he takes my mouth. It's possessive, predatory, and so damn right .

This is what's been missing for the last seven years. Him and the intense feelings he sends hurtling through me like a comet. With his lips on mine, I'm finally, finally living again.

"Pretty little liar," he snarls. "You know you need me just as bad now as you always have. You've been starving for me, baby girl. I know you have. I see it in your eyes." His body is hard everywhere. He grinds me down on the obvious bulge in his jeans as he attacks my mouth, claiming it like he owns it…owns me.

I cry out against his lips, pleasure hitting me hard and fast. My fingers dance through his hair, tugging and pulling.

An inferno rages between us. Years of overwhelming need tears me apart as he kisses me so hard I know I'll remember the feel of his lips on mine for the rest of my life. This kiss is like none he's ever given me before. It's powerful, potent…and painted with the jagged pieces of who we used to be.

For the first time in years, I feel more like that girl than ever. I feel more like me than ever. With his lips on mine, the truth resounds in my soul. I'll never get over him. I'll never be ready to move on. And God help us both, but I don't want to be.

"Cade," I whisper, wiggling in his arms, desperate for friction where I need it most. Desperate for him . He's the only man who has ever touched me. I ache for him. God, I ache so fucking badly. "Cade, please. I need you."

His body goes taut at my desperate confession. His hands tighten on my ass for a split second before he pulls away. I cry out, hating how it feels when his big body no longer pins me to the door. When his lips break from mine. When he's no longer in my personal space, possessing it.

He slides me down his body until my feet touch the worn wood, then he releases me entirely.

He's breathing hard, his chest rising and falling like he just ran five miles. His eyes meet mine, his expression so severe that it steals my breath all over again. He's definitely all man now, grown up, and so damn powerful. It's honestly a little breathtaking to see him like this. With his hair all messed up, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes on fire, he's the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

"Go inside, January," he rumbles when I lick my lips, savoring the taste of him on them.

"Cade, I–"

"Now!" he barks.

I jump at the loud crack of sound. Tears fill my eyes, rejection burning through me hot and fast.

His thunderous expression softens. He reaches out and tugs gently on a strand of my hair, exactly like he always did when we were kids, and he wanted to comfort me. The corner of his lip turns up in a sardonic half-smile. "I'm the last thing you need. I'll just fuck up your life all over again. It's the one thing I'm best at, little monster," he whispers before he turns and jogs down the steps.

"You were the only thing I ever needed," I whisper to his back.

He hesitates for a split second, pausing mid-step, then he shakes his head. "Maybe one day I'll be the kind of man you deserve, but I'm not him now, January. I'm still the monster at the end of this book. I always have been."

"You're wrong."

His heavy sigh speaks volumes, and each one of them shatters another little piece of my heart.

"Every goddamn day without you was wrong, baby girl," he whispers, his voice rough with pain. "That doesn't make this right. I already destroyed you once. I won't do it again now."

"You destroyed me when you left me, Cade. I never got over you. I waited for you to come back for seven fucking years. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, but it does to me. You've always been the only man I've ever wanted. You always will be," I say softly, and then I turn around and go inside because I'm not strong enough to listen to him reject me again.