Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

We stood on the stone steps at the entrance of the Cressida House. My gaze scanned the acres of lovely manicured gardens, blossoming flower trees and rolling green hills that were typical of Kentucky. It had taken me a few years to feel comfortable in the massive home, but now I loved it. Ethan and I had the entire fifth floor to ourselves, and I had a closet the size of my apartment from when I was human. It rocked.

The late afternoon was sunny and warm. My mood was not. Ethan, Augustus, Felix and I were able to tolerate the sun without burning. Martha and Jane didn’t fare as well because they’d only been dead for a decade. I apparently got a pass on burning to a crisp since I was the Chosen One. Sunburning wouldn’t kill the old bags, but it sucked to live with third-degree burns for a week. They’d slathered up with sunscreen and looked like bony, hairless, greasy snowmen wearing boob tubes and booty shorts. They were armed to the teeth. I wasn’t sure if that was smart, but since their aim stunk, I let it go. Frankly, they didn’t need weapons. The look they were working was terrifying. Felix and Augustus paced the front walkway, sticking close to the bushes. I was certain it was so they had easy access to dive behind them if necessary.

Ethan stood next to me. His body was rigid and as still as a statue. His expression was unreadable. My mate was in full-on badass mode. He didn’t like working with or making deals with Demons other than Lizard. Today, we didn’t have much of a choice.

The text exchange with Poosh had been quick and all business. Satan had obviously given the Demon a heads-up. Augustus and Felix had been correct. She was rude and crude. It remained to be seen how loud she would be when she got here. It took bribing her with two Chanel bags and my Netflix password to get her to agree to meet with us.

I checked my watch. She was late.

“Can you handle this?” I asked Augustus.

I’d considered not having them with us at the first meeting since Poosh was obsessed with him, but he assured me he’d be fine…

“Oh yes!” Augustus replied, looking anything but confident. His hands were securely placed over his junk. “I shall be casual and shoot the cheese with Poosh.”

“Breeze,” I corrected him.

“Are you serious?” he asked, perplexed. “Instead of shooting at cheese, I shoot at the wind?”

“Umm… I don’t even know how to answer that.”

“Not to worry, boss,” Augustus said, pulling himself together. “This will be easy—a piece of cock.”

“Cake,” I yelled, pulling on my hair as Martha and Jane cackled. “Piece of cake. Not cock. Considering you’ve been cheating on Lynda, I’d highly suggest you not wax poetic about your junk in front of Poosh.”

“Wait,” Ethan said, looking pained. “I was under the impression that Lynda is fictional.”

“Oh yes, yes, yes, Prince Ethan,” Felix chimed in. “Lynda is indeed imaginary, but Poosh isn’t aware of that. I would surmise that informing the Demon that the lovely Lynda doesn’t exist would end in death. Mostly for Augustus.”

Ethan gave me an, I can’t believe I’m dealing with this shit, look. I gave him a lopsided grin. He shook his head and chuckled.

“Then, by all means, we will not let the cat out of the bag about Lynda,” he finally said.

“Oh my!” Felix yelled, horrified. “You people keep cats in bags?”

“No,” Ethan said, looking like he wanted to rip a few heads. “It’s an expression about keeping secrets.”

Ethan closed his eyes for a moment. I knew he was working on holding it together. He was just getting a tiny taste of the crap I’d been going through with Augustus and Felix.

I grinned and backed my guy up. “We do not and will not ever keep cats or dogs or any living being in a bag. That is a no-no.”

“I believe you mean nu-nu,” Felix corrected me.

I refused to even try. “Right. My bad.”

“Excellent!” Augustus said, bowing to Ethan and me. “I do have a question.”

“Can it wait?” I asked, scanning the horizon for Poosh. I wasn’t sure if she was going to poof in or drive.

“No,” he told me. “I must get everything straight before she arrives.”

“Ask.”

“Soooo, since references to privates are off limits, are you implying that I should refrain from sharing my new moniker with Poosh?” he inquired.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, getting exasperated.

“Dick LeBalldong,” he reminded me. “Or I could go with my second choice, Penis McBoner.”

I electrocuted him. There was no stopping my itchy trigger finger.

“I’m taking that as a no,” Augustus called out, slapping out the flames.

I didn’t grace him with an answer. It wouldn’t have been heard anyway. The roar of a motorcycle headed our way made it difficult. Augustus and Felix dove behind the bushes. Martha and Jane were ready. For what? I wasn’t sure. Both had their hands poised at their asses.

“If either of you lob a bomb at Poosh, it’ll be the last thing you do. I don’t care how unpleasant she is. We need her. You got that?”

“You ain’t no fuckin’ fun,” Jane grumbled.

“Never said I was,” I shot back. “Now get your hands away from your buttholes, or you won’t have hands.”

Ethan closed his eyes. “I can’t believe you had to say that.”

I laughed. “I’ll have a t-shirt made for you, so you’ll never forget it.”

“Nice,” he said, squinting at me.

“I’m here to please,” I replied, then turned my focus to the arrival of our guest, for lack of a better term.

Poosh had arrived. Poosh did not poof. She rode in on a Ducati Superleggera. Even I had to admit it was an impressive entrance.

“Holy crap,” I said. “That’s a nice bike.”

“Over a hundred fuckin’ thousand nice,” Martha commented.

I raised a brow and wondered who she’d bribed to get it. Then I recalled that she’d embezzled billions. It was now a mystery to me as to why she wanted my login for Netflix… Whatever. Crazy was impossible to define, and Poosh seemed nuts.

The Demon was stunning and tall—easily over six feet. Her hair was as black as the night, and her eyes shone red—not necessarily a good sign, but they weren’t spitting sparks… yet. The woman was clad from head to toe in tight leather that matched the color of her hair.

Poosh parked her bike at the end of the lane and eyed all of us distrustfully. She sniffed the air and grinned. Her sparkling red eyes zoned right in on the bush that Augustus was hiding behind.

“What the hell is with Demons sniffing out their prey lately?” I muttered under my breath to Ethan.

“Not sure, but Augustus is screwed. Literally.”

I laughed. It wasn’t intentional, but my man called it like he saw it.

“Something is funny?” Poosh demanded shrilly.

Her voice didn’t match her outer shell. Nope, the Demon sounded like she’d swallowed helium. It was disconcerting.

“Not at all,” I said. “I’m Astrid. Thank you for coming.”

“I know who you are,” she snapped with disdain. “Do you have the bags and the code?”

“Upstairs in the office,” I told her.

Her eyes narrowed to slits. If she thought she was getting the payout without providing information, she was gravely mistaken. Hopefully, we could get all the info we needed then send the squeaky-voiced freak on her way. Hunting Dhampirs with her would rupture my eardrums and test my patience.

“I’ll take my payment first,” she snarled.

I was pretty sure I heard the bush scream. I ignored it.

“Not the way it works, Poosh,” I said evenly, meeting her furious gaze.

Her voice got higher. “You think you’re making the rules here, stupid bitch?”

I smiled. It confused her. What I wanted to do was electrocute her, but I refrained. It wouldn’t be good form since I needed something from her. However, I wasn’t above calling her bluff. Demons, like Vamps, respected power and violence. If I had to go there, I would. “I don’t think. I know. And if that doesn’t work for you, you can put your sorry leather-covered ass right back on your little toy and leave.”

“You might be the Chosen One of the bloodsuckers, but you are not in charge of me,” she hissed. “Fuck you.”

“No thanks,” I replied.

The stare down was amusing to me and infuriating to her. The Demon was clearly used to being able to intimidate. She was barking up the wrong tree. She might know who I am, but the Demon clearly had no clue what I could do… If she kept pushing, she was going to find out. I was going to have a word with Uncle Fucker about his recommendation. Poosh was an angry nightmare. I sure as hell hoped she was worth the trouble she was going to cause.

Ethan growled deep in his throat. His eyes blazed green, and an eerie golden glow enveloped him. His power was on display. Magic filled the air and made it difficult for the Demon to breathe. Right now, I was happy to be undead and not in need of air. Poosh clearly had a semblance of self-preservation and took a few cautionary steps back.

Ethan’s voice was cold, clipped, and terrifying. “If you waste my time, you will regret it. Trust me on that. I would take great pleasure in sharing with Lucifer what an annoyance you’ve been. You came with quite the recommendation. It would be such a shame to let him know you made the Devil a liar. Does that work for you, Demon?”

The bushes screamed again. If they didn’t put a cork in it, I was going to pull out the hedge clippers.

Poosh stared at the ground. Her shoulders slumped forward, and she sighed dramatically. It was obvious she was put out, but smart enough to know she was no match for Ethan… or the Devil. “No. It does not work for me.” Her voice was still grating, but her words were somewhat less offensive. “I regret my initial behavior mostly because I was called out on it. That’s unusual. Normally, I’m feared. While I find Vampyres inferior, the wrath of Satan isn’t on my list of goals.”

Martha and Jane weren’t quite over it yet. The two old biddies waddled down the steps and got in Poosh’s face.

“Lemme tell you somethin’, you balloon-suckin’ jackhole,” Jane shouted. “Biteable McSexyAss could flick his finger and turn you to ash. You best not be sassing my fine bootied Prince.”

“That’s right, you mouthy, wanna-be hooker,” Jane chimed in. “Astrid could blink and give you ten titties and put your va-jay-jay up where your face is. Full fuckin’ disclosure, I happen to have a grenade lodged in my anus, and I’d be happy to shit it out, pull the pin and shove it down your throat.”

I almost passed out. Not because of the threats but because she’d called me Astrid. Glancing up at the sky, I half wondered if I’d see a flying pig.

Poosh stood there with her mouth opened in a perfect O. She’d obviously never come upon anyone as unhinged as Martha and Jane. I wasn’t sure there was anyone more unhinged than the crappily dressed duo. Full disclosure on my part… the old bags made me proud.

“Not only that,” Jane bellowed, really getting into it. “Our hot as Hades mate will be pissed to know some crotch-rocket ridin’ twat was rude to our sexy, suntan lotion covered asses. My hot piece of man-meat could take your smack-talkin’ head off with one swing of his bat.”

“Darn tootin’,” Martha agreed, sticking a greasy finger in Poosh’s face. “Lizard is real dang protective of his big knockered gals.”

Big knockered was a huge stretch… more like torpedoes that touched their waists.

Poosh’s eyes grew enormous, and her entire body trembled. I wasn’t sure what was about to go down, but if she laid one finger on either of my batshit crazy buddies, we wouldn’t have to wait for Lizard. I’d rip her head off so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her.

Ethan was poised to attack as well. Martha and Jane might be nightmares, but they were our nightmares.

“You two are mated to Lizard… as in the Lizard ?” she squeaked out.

Jane crossed her bony arms over her sagging bosom and grinned like a fool. “If you mean the sexy crossed-eyed badass with a humongous salami, deadly baseball bat and a tight hiney you could bounce a quarter off of, then yeppers!”

“Rightyroo!” Martha added with a shimmy that was more amusing than offensive. “Our sexy track-suit, beret-wearin’ concubine don’t take nicely to hookers showing us disrespect. You got that Poop?”

In a move no one saw coming, Poosh dropped to her knees and bowed to the old idiots. “Forgive me. I didn’t realize you were the Martha and Jane. I meant no harm, Oh Great Ones! You, as an extension of the deadliest Demon in Hell aside from Satan, are royalty in my eyes. Please do not tell Lizard. I beg of you.”

What in the ever-loving Hell was going on here? Martha and Jane exchanged a shocked glance that mirrored the one Ethan and I shared. Before I could guide the gals with the best way to handle the situation, they went for it on their own. I just grabbed Ethan’s hand and squeezed tight. Undermining the gals’ upper hand with Poosh could end badly for all. Letting them take the lead was utterly terrifying.

“What you gonna give me to keep my trap shut?” Martha demanded.

“And it better be good,” Jane added. “Preferably crotchless.”

Poosh kept her eyes on the ground. “What do you want, Oh Great Ones?”

Her voice was still piercingly high and grating, but the bitchy tone was gone. Lizard was indeed a badass. However, I also knew him as a silly and gentle soul, albeit seriously weird. The strange man adored Martha and Jane. It was odd to witness that a Demon, who I called a friend, invoked such fear.

Jane looked over at me, confused. Martha glanced over and shrugged helplessly. They didn’t know what to say. The entire situation had taken a hard left and was about to drive itself into an abyss.

Shit.

I’d just mouth the words to help them out…

Without making a sound, I mouthed, “Info on Dhampirs.”

I kept the words to a minimum and hit the highlights.

“We need info on the fuckin’ hampers,” Jane shouted.

I winced and shook my head.

“No!” I mouthed.

“NO,” Martha bellowed, punching Jane in the head and sending her flying. “Not hampers. She meant Pampers. Like the diaper, motherfucker.”

“What?” Poosh asked, confused while still looking down. “I don’t understand, my goddesses.”

“Take a number,” I muttered. This was getting out of hand and only going to get worse. If Martha and Jane were elevated to goddess status, we were all going to die.

“Camper?” Jane asked me.

I shook my head in frustration.

“Scamper? Tamper?” Martha tried.

“NO,” I yelled as I walked over to where they stood. I swallowed my pride and my ego along with my bile. Demons played games. I was half Demon. I could play with the best of them. “I’m the umm… representative for Lizard’s lovers,” I said, hoping to Hell and back I wouldn’t laugh. “With their permission, I shall speak for them.”

“Wait, what?” Jane asked. “You’re our new agent? Fuckin’ A!”

“Hell to the yes!” Martha squealed. “You can send all them bankrupt shopping malls that we’ve been booked to sing at our list of backstage demands, like lube and a life-sized cardboard cutout of Simon Cowell.”

“Naked,” Jane added.

“Mmkay,” I choked out, warring with myself not to electrocute them. It was pretty clear that the way to Poosh’s agreeable side was going to be through Martha and Jane. Hopefully, they were too stupid to figure that out. If they did, I was screwed. However, the existence of our kind was possibly riding on Poosh’s knowledge. It sucked, but it was what it was. “That can be arranged.”

Martha squinted at me in disbelief. “What gives, Booby LaBooba?”

“Nothing gives,” I lied, raising a brow. “However, I believe what you were trying to tell Poosh was that you want the info on the Dhampirs.”

“Right,” Jane yelled. “Tatas McBraless is correct. Spit out the intel, Poopy.”

Before Poosh could start, Ethan quickly stepped in. “In my office.”

The Demon didn’t reply. She just looked to Martha and Jane for confirmation. They were not as dumb as they presented themselves and gave Poosh a thumbs up.

“Prince Pretty Asscheeks is right,” Jane said. “Can’t have no extra ears in this here convo.”

Martha walked over to the bushes and pulled a screaming Augustus and whimpering Felix out. “We got some business boys,” she announced. “I know Pooty wants to snack on your nuts, but I’ll protect you. Your rod ain’t got nothin’ to worry about with me and Jane around.”

Poosh’s desire for Augustus was undeniable. It was also terrifying. What had started as a crappy day had now devolved into a massive disaster waiting to happen.

“I have a demand,” Poosh said, right back to her nasty self.

“Interesting,” I said, eyeing her. “Don’t really see how you’re in the position to demand anything.”

“Yet,” she hissed.

“Watch that mouth, Pooty,” Jane snapped. “I might have to wash that shitty trap out with soap.”

“My apologies, Goddess Jane,” she said quickly. “What I meant was that I would very much like Lynda to participate in the meeting.”

Her gaze held mine in challenge. It was bizarre and very clear that she wasn’t working with a full deck.

Again, Augustus screamed. It took everything I had not to laugh. The entire set of circumstances was beyond absurd. “I’ll see what I can do about that.”

The truth was nothing. There was nothing I could do about producing someone who didn’t exist, but Lynda would be my bargaining chip.

Two could play that game, and I played to win.