Chapter 22

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Until further notice, I identify as a plastic frog.

Plucking yet another tiny frog off a windowsill at school boosts my morale a wee bit. Dropping the little plastic thing into a bag, I can almost forget that I've been struggling all week with what happened on Sunday.

I have never felt so important to someone before in my life.

The entire day reached inside me and turned something upside down. Once, I promised myself I would never share what happened to me when I was nine with anyone. I thought I'd never have any reason to. I never planned to have a relationship with anyone else after it. The vulnerability of putting the words outside my body is nothing short of reliving snatches of that horrible time all over again.

I have never before felt so precious to anyone else in my entire life.

"To think our littles frogged us," Kassandra says, filling her own bag with dozens of tiny friends. "The monsters."

Even though she says that, she's smiling.

I let my eyes roll. "I blame Meda. This is what happens when you sanction a cell phone for a child to play with mental health birds on. They go crazy, order frogs on their Prince Uncle's credit card, and distribute them to their army of impressionable youngsters."

Kassandra laughs. "We're probably going to be finding frogs for the next ten semesters."

"What a blessing and a gift."

"Zahr." She looks down at me from where she has been sifting frogs out of the hay loft. "Is everything okay?"

I wrinkle my nose. "What a loaded question. Meda says okay is a sucky word that means nothing, so, yes, absolutely. I maintain existence, and am perfectly okay . Why do you ask? Am I acting weird?"

I hope I'm not acting weird. After the decades of blood, sweat, and tears I've put into my flawless fa?ade, to be acting weird now would be so disrespectful of me to myself.

And self-respect is very important to me.

"Something is a little off. I can't quite identify it, though. I'm not a faerie that can sense your emotions or scents, and I have a policy against entering the dreams of friends uninvited."

Thank Sir for that one…

I don't know how I'd handle it if Kassandra saw the memories painted in horrid neon plastered across my nightmares sometimes. After so many years, the fact my brain is still battling to process what happened during my childhood says something.

Loudly.

Screams it, practically.

"Have you heard anything more from your friend Dani?" she asks.

My chest pinches as I locate a tiny circle of frogs on a barrel. It looks like they're having a tiny ritual. Probably Andromeda's handiwork. Bless. "I haven't."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'm praying about it. Asking God to let me know where she is so I can kidnap her. I'm just worried if I kidnap a human, I'll become fully fae, and then what will I do? My humor is approximately ninety percent lies."

"Quite the dilemma."

"Truly. I lie awake at night thinking about it." See? A lie. Lately, I've been lying awake at night thinking about nothing, simply alternating between staring at my baby and staring at my tiny bat soulmate. In his tiny bat form, Alexios is very cute, and comforting, and he's been staying with me since Sunday, because even though I identify as a strong independent woman, I also identify as a tired little guy.

I do. I promise you are lovable. And a faerie's oath cannot be broken. To the end of my days, I will love you. In every moment, I myself shall make this oath true.

Tired little guys require words of affirmation, I guess.

"Have you talked with Xios at all about becoming fully fae?" Kassandra asks.

I grimace. "And give up the ability to lie ? Come on, Kass. It's like you're not listening to me. I'm only human."

And I am hilarious .

Kassandra hums. "Something is definitely off with you. Do you want me to talk to Cael about Dani?"

"What?"

"I don't know if he can do anything, but he is the most powerful faerie we know. Maybe he'll have a solution somewhere in his repertoire of magic."

I've been called overbearing more times than I can count. I've also dealt at length with mothers who care more about themselves than their kids. Even if Cael can find Dani, assuming he won't have some nice, good argument against invading her privacy, I have no reason to believe we won't accidentally make things worse just by trying to talk to her.

If she's still at home with a mother who takes her phone even though she's twenty-three , we'll either collide with her mother, or randomly have to appear in her bedroom…which…yeah. I don't know if that would help many people who are already living scared.

I sigh. "No, that's okay. I'm going to wait a little longer for an answer. If it's asking for Cael's help, I'll let you know."

"Okay, if you're sure." She climbs down from the loft and fixes her messy bun, somehow making it messier. "Are you and Xios coming to movie night tonight?"

"Is it really Thursday? Again? Already?"

Kassandra gives me a please tell me what's wrong look, but all she says is, "Yes."

All I want to do is go home and cuddle my baby. I don't really want to be around people anymore today. The eight hours with kids was enough to maintain my title of extrovert , I think. Not wanting more peopling is a side effect of being a tired little guy, probably. When you're a tired little guy, you just want to sit in a dark room alone.

Besides, it's not just me. Alexios has been a bit off since Sunday, too. What I told him that night did a number. I can tell. Even if he can't lie and has made it clear the way he thinks about me hasn't changed, finding out your soulmate was raped as a kid has to, well, it has to suck .

If I'd learned that the precious, perfect person made just for me had been abused like I was, I'd want to kill.

"Zahr?" Kassandra prompts.

I blink back into the moment. "Woosh. Sorry. Was I dissociating? How very out of character for me. You're supposed to be the daydreamer between us." Smiling as bright as my face will let me, I say, "You know what? I think I'm going to have to pass on tonight. I've got big plans to continue staring into the void later. It's almost looking back, and when it does, maybe my love will requite."

"You're worrying me," she murmurs, in her very Kass way. Looking like a preschool teacher—even though she teaches elementary—has some perks. Primarily, she has never done anything wrong ever and the fierce compulsion to protect her lays itself on thick. "Is everything okay with Xios?"

"What? Yeah, of course." If, of course, by okay you mean did you just sucker punch him with your childhood trauma over the weekend? Then, yes. Doing well. Peachy, even. "We're just working through the usual soulmate collision."

Kassandra arches a brow. "The usual soulmate collision?"

"Yeah, you know, the part where your super attractive, single, student's father is giving off all the vibes of an abusive parent, so you try to send CPS after him, but eventually take matters into your own hands, discover he's fae, fall in love, and unpack decades of baggage. It's the—" Gripping my bag of frogs, I make a rainbow motion above my head. "—transition period." Shrugging, I find another little ritual in the corner. "When two people are thrown together, sparks fly. And they aren't always romantic sparks. Sometimes they just catch stuff on fire."

"Do you want to talk about it? I know Xios can be…odd. But I do think you are the same kind of odd."

I fix her with a look. "Wow. Appreciate that."

She plows on without acknowledging my expression. "He also has all that sensory stuff since he's still navigating a lot of unfamiliar stimuli where it concerns being alive. That can't make anything easy."

It makes bullying him easy. Turning him into a blushing puddle who must excuse himself to have a crisis is quite remarkably easy. I do it without remorse, too. Because I am a monster. "Kass," I state, "we're fine. It's just a bit overwhelming this week. 'Kay?"

Her concerned gaze meets my eyes and drops away. "Okay. Just know that Pollux and I are here for you both. Pollux especially worries."

"Yeah," I say, "I know."

Because Pollux is a good papa.

And I don't know anything about what that's like.