Chapter 23
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Vengeance is of the Lord. I am but His wee helpmate.
"Zahra!" Alexios calls while I am enjoying the loveliest of Memorial Days at the kitchen table with my little baby boy.
He coos, so I coo back, and he blesses me with a gummy smile, green eyes all a-sparkle. My heart swells. I'm positive I missed his first smile while I was at work, based on the fact Alexios has adamantly deflected any questions concerning it.
If I miss his first laugh, I will cry.
" Zahra! " Alexios snaps.
I smirk. "That strange man who lives with us is making a lot of noise this morning, isn't he, baby?"
Huffing and stomping, Alexios marches into the kitchen, a tiny plastic mushroom pinched between his fingers.
I beam. "Hello, husband. What fair weather we're having, no?" Rising from my chair, I cuddle my happy baby. "I was just about to give Ash some tummy time. Wouldst thou find merriment in joining us?"
Alexios's nostrils flare as he holds up the tiny plastic mushroom.
One of one hundred and twenty tiny plastic mushrooms, mind you.
"What is this?" he asks. "What are all of this? In my room. Right now." He tosses his arms together, crossing them. "I— I just— Why? How? When? "
Because I felt like it. Amazon. Last night, while he was passed out downstairs with Ash.
Consider yourself shroomed , husband.
Adopting baffled innocence, I rock Ash. "Why are you blaming me for whatever misfortune has befallen you, husband?"
Closing his eyes, he releases a short breath. "Because, snowflake, your scent is on every tiny plastic abomination."
"I'm, clearly, being framed."
Planting his palms on the table, Alexios glowers, leaning over me. "These are a choking hazard."
I gasp and cover my mouth. "Oh no. You're right. Are you okay? I keep forgetting you're only like half a year old. You haven'tst choked, have you, husband?"
"I'm nearly eleven months old."
Losing the act, I say, "Really? Your birthday's next month?"
"No."
My brow arches.
He huffs, straightening himself. "July 6 th . My physical existence began July 6 th ."
I'd bake him a cake shaped like a mushroom, but I doubt he likes cake, either. Also, he should actually enjoy his first birthday on some level. It can't all be jokes. That's cruel. July 6 th , huh…
Very interesting.
Leaning a hip against the table, he rolls the tiny mushroom between his fingers. "I can hardly believe you've done this. Of all the things to do…"
"Are you actually upset?" I ask.
His gray eyes slash toward me. Narrow. "I'm plotting revenge."
"Is that a yes or a no ?"
"I don't think I'm going to shift into a bat tonight." He peers down his nose at me. "I think I'm going to recline on my side of your bed, prop the pillow you let tiny bat me sleep on behind my head, and sprawl , in male lingerie."
My stomach launches itself into the exosphere. I cover one of Ash's ears, pressing the other to my chest. " Xios . There's a child present." Lips curling, I lean conspiratorially forward. "I do take it you found the mushrooms in your underwear, though?"
His brow crashes low, and he plants his free hand to his waist. "There is no way. I feel everything . If you got a mushroom in my underwear— "
"Ew. No. Not the underwear you're wearing . The stack of underwear I bought. And filled with mushrooms. And put in your drawer. Just because." I smile. "I'm thorough."
His eye twitches. "I…believe I missed that… These—" He swears. "—things are even in the drawers?"
"Of course they're even in the drawers. What do you take me for? In other news, I don't recommend using your fan any time soon, unless you want a mushroom shower."
He pins me with an expression I can only describe as equal parts revulsion and respect. Those darkening eyes of his take their time drinking me in. "You're streaming tonight."
This tone…it's…suspiciously conversational.
Cautious, I say, "Yes? I am."
"Interesting. Sure would be devastating if something happened during your stream, wouldn't it?"
I run my fingers through Ash's soft, dark curls. His hair has been coming in. Curly. My little boy is going to be a curly-headed little angel. "That sounds like a threat. Let the record show, I never threatened you. Besides, you barely use your bedroom these days. Too busy being a little bat on my pillow and protecting me from the scary things." I bolster. "Aren't I just the kindest ? Opening up my home and my very own bed to you?"
"The home happened as a side effect of moral manipulation, which you bestowed upon yourself. The bed…is because I am cute."
"You are really, really cute." I present my happy baby. "But so is Ash. And we don't share. No, no. One hundred percent kindness of my heart and soul ."
"I may forgive you in exchange for your heart and soul." He unfurls his free hand, waiting.
I press my lips together. "Mm. I'll pass. Yeah. Not interested, I think."
His fingers close. "Very well. You've brought this upon yourself, then." He whirls toward the exit, tossing the plastic mushroom in the air.
As he catches it, I ask, " This? What is this ?"
Devious, he casts a look over his shoulder, and says, "My wrath."
※
Xios
"Isn't Mommy pretty?" I murmur to Ash, though he couldn't care less about Zahra's stream while he's attacking his bottle with all the fury of a redcap amid a gruesome battle. It's almost offensive, how well he eats.
Sighing, I smile at my phone while I feed him.
If my enchanted cuff links weren't dampening my senses, I'd hear both what's coming through the speaker and Zahra's voice down the hall in her office. The delayed echo would probably drive me mad. Thankfully, I am rarely ever without my quality-of-life enchantments, and I'm free to get lost in her smile, her laugh, the animation of her expressions.
When Ash begins to nod off around his bottle, I gently swap it for his pacifier and hold him against my heart as I lift my phone in my free hand. I open the chat. And I tap out a message.
TiniestWhiteBat : I think I'm in love with you.
TiniestWhiteBat : Please marry me.
I watch Zahra's face cam in the corner of the game she's streaming while the chat roasts me. Her eyes flick to her other monitor. "Whoa. What just happened? Did I miss something?"
TiniestWhiteBat : Yes. You missed my proposal.
She sees my message this time, and her eyes widen. Then, she smiles. "I missed a marriage proposal, huh? Sorry, TiniestWhiteBat. I got a husband a few days ago, so I can't accept."
A string of shocked responses flood the chat.
Casual, Zahra lifts a shoulder and continues building a little house in Terraria . "I didn't think it was much of a secret. You know how it is. One minute, you're playing video games together on the couch, the next you're listening to a confession of undying love."
More blocks get placed.
More comments explode.
Zahra replies to the main query filling the chat. "No, I don't think I'll be doing any husband reveals or videos with him. He didn't know who Kirby was until last week, so I don't need anyone else bullying him about his smooth brain. Only I'm allowed to."
I glance at the pile of plastic mushrooms I've quarantined on my dresser and smile. In spite of Zahra's warning, I turned the fan on earlier and watched something like fifty fling themselves into the crevices of this room, never to be found again.
Her commitment is wholly impressive.
I tap another message into the chat.
TiniestWhiteBat : It's cute that you call him your husband already if you've only been married a few days.
TiniestWhiteBat : He must really like that.
Zahra's eyes roll. "Probably does. He's very lucky to have me."
I would be.
If I did actually have her.
What a shame all I have is over a hundred mushrooms, and unrequited love.
TiniestWhiteBat : If things don't work out between you two, would you consider me?
Zahra laughs. "Nah, sorry. I'm not considering backup husbands." Her smile warms every cell in me. "Things'll work out between us, one way or another. If they don't, I'm not getting another husband. I'm getting cats."