Chapter 21

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From this knowledge I will never recover.

Xios

After putting Zahra's leftover food away and cleaning out the dishes to return later this week, I see myself to my room and refrain from peeking into hers to check on her. Even from out here, the sensation of her unsteady emotions attacking her while she cradles Ash close beats against my body.

Whatever happened earlier between us, it was little more than a new battle in an old war.

I'm worried I reopened scars.

Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I flop myself on my bed and stare at our message stream.

Xios : Want to know what unit of measurement I identify as?

Snowflake : No.

Xios : km/s :D

Snowflake : Xios, I am working.

Snowflake : And your suicide humor isn't even creative anymore.

Snowflake : Dig deeper.

Snowflake : Preferably six feet under.

Xios : XD

Xios : Okay, okay. I've got one.

Xios : Guinea pigs don't have a will to live. If you put them under for any kind of procedure, they give up really easily.

Snowflake : ???

Xios : Relatable.

Snowflake : Riveting conversation. Pity, I need to tell a kid to stop eating sand again. Goodbye.

Blowing out a breath, I wince. The kind of conversation I want to broach now is nowhere near the tone I text her with. I have no idea how to start this when the last thing I sent her was a gif of a guinea pig flossing and the message: #me.

Where to even begin…

Hey, I'm worried about you.

I love you, no mater what.

Whatever you're scared of, Pollux can probably help you through. He's good at stuff like that.

"Stuff" being "therapy."

Maybe I shouldn't give Pollux new clients without his consent…

Xios : Hey, I'm sorry for messaging so late.

Xios : Can we talk about what happened earlier?

Moments pass.

Then, she replies:

Snowflake : If we talk about it, things will never be the same.

Xios : Despite how I feel about change, I don't think I'd mind growing with you.

More moments. That slip into minutes. That drag until my chest hurts and I'm hyperfocused on the torment filling the room next door.

It gathers, collecting like mold, and I'm kicking my feet off my bed before I can help myself. I march toward the rising tide, my phone buzzing in my hand before it crashes.

One hand around my cell and the other on Zahra's doorknob, I look down at the screen.

Snowflake : When I was nine, I was raped.

My heart collapses in a puddle at my feet. Static builds in my ears.

Without warning, I shove my way into her room, and everything inside me breaks.

Seated in a cloud of barely conceived unseelie fae, Zahra drags her attention off her phone and finds me. Emptiness consumes her brilliant green eyes.

My limbs ache with every step that forces me across the room to her. Once I've reached her, I fall on my knees at her feet, dropping my phone on the carpet as I wrestle with the agony sweeping across every one of my nerves like a blade.

The dark blots of unresolved emotions seep from her pores, whispering in her ears.

Unworthy. Dirty. Broken .

While they remain rooted in her flesh, I can't hope to rip them free without hurting her.

Her head drops back to her phone, and she types.

Beside my thigh, my phone lights up.

Snowflake : I've never told anyone before.

Mouth devoid of moisture, I whisper, "No one?"

Snowflake : I didn't want my mother to blame me.

Snowflake : Or condemn me further.

Snowflake : I grew up constantly scared that God didn't love me and wouldn't want me if I weren't perfect.

Tears build and burn in my eyes, overflowing before I find anything at all to say.

Snowflake : I'm sorry about earlier. I lost my mind a little bit.

Snowflake : You're pretty. And sanctioned by God because of the whole soulmate thing.

Snowflake : I deluded myself into thinking it might be something less than terrifying to take control of an intimate moment with someone.

Snowflake : I've been thinking a lot since then.

Snowflake : I decided it was wrong to keep this from you. Since you're my soulmate, you should know that whole sacred covenant of marriage and commitment stuff you brought up your first night here is a one-way street.

Snowflake : I didn't get a choice on who I committed myself to.

Snowflake : Not only that, what happened messed something up inside me, so I can't have kids.

My body lights like a fuse, tearing in two pieces. I can barely swallow past the rage sticking in my throat. Coupled with the pain and the overwhelming pound of Zahra's emotions bleeding into the air, I can't reach rational thought.

Someone touched my soulmate.

Stole from her.

And the people who were meant to love and protect her raised her in an environment that left her so scared of damnation she couldn't even bring herself to tell anyone.

Snowflake : Please say something.

Say…something?

What?

Say what ?

I'll murder anyone who's still alive for wronging you?

What am I supposed to say?

Nothing can fix what has already happened. Nothing can take it all away.

Not even me.

Hands shaking with restrained fury, I grip her phone and push the screen down. When her eyes meet mine, I whisper, " I love you. " The words leave my throat raw, barbed. "I will always love you. No matter what." I swallow; it hurts . "I will protect you. I will keep you safe. You don't need to hold this alone anymore, Zahra." Lifting my hand, I let my glove evaporate as I cup her cheek, skin to skin.

The sensation is electrifying, and just on the precipice of too much .

Hoarse, I whisper, "You are worthy. You are clean. You are wanted. And, my love, if you feel broken right now, you will be healed. If there are too many pieces for you to put back together on your own, if they're so sharp they cut your hands when you try, I will take care of it. Until you feel whole again, I will be here, showing you the love you have always deserved."

Her hand lifts, covering mine. She presses my touch into her body, turning her face against my palm. Her brows knit as her eyes close. Shallow breaths fill her as the sludge clinging to her flesh dissipates. Bit by bit, the tangle of emotions inside her unravels.

She kisses my hand before her eyes open again, and heat swarms to my head, blistering the tips of my ears. A frail smile touches her lips. "I want to be a good mother, Xios." Her attention skids toward Ash's crib. "I don't know if I can be. I don't even know if it's right for me to have a child when so much of why I want to raise one is…so I can love them through everything…and maybe prove to myself that it wouldn't have been so…" She swallows, wets her lips, and crumples. "…so hard to love me ."

Something inside me…snaps.

Rising, I cup Zahra's chin in my palm, tip her face upward, and dip to press a kiss to her forehead. Voice vibrating with an anger I struggle to subdue, I say, "You are the furthest thing from hard to love . I don't know what manner of brain damage your parents suffer from, but I know that I fell in love with you when I was furious. Even upset, I couldn't help myself. You are of asteriai blood. You shine brighter than mere mortals can comfortably perceive. You are more than lovable. You are life-giving. You are everything the ones who have hurt you cannot hope to be." Drawing back from her forehead, I kiss her nose then meet her glistening green eyes. "Okay?"

A tear breaks free, skating down her cheek to my hand. Sniffling, she says, "Promise?"

"I do. I promise you are lovable. And a faerie's oath cannot be broken. To the end of my days, I will love you. In every moment, I myself shall make this oath true."

Before I pull back fully, she grips my wrist and holds me near. Crippled with weakness, she says, "Stay."

So, I do.