36. Jacob

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

jacob

M y stomach growls as I pull back into town. I'm fucking starving. I stayed the night in Bozeman at Mia's. It felt good to have a bed to sleep in again. I pull my truck up in front of the diner and walk my tired, sore body inside. The hike into the canyon and back was harder on me than usual. Probably because of the lack of sleep and spending my nights on the damn couch in the office. I'm not as young as I once was.

The hostess seats me immediately. It's late morning, and there aren't many people here. Kate comes over to get my order and disappears again behind the counter to put it in. I still haven't found much reprieve from my breakup with Lacey, but the trip out into nature helped ground me a bit. When I made it back to my truck, I had a couple of missed calls from Lacey. I almost called her back but caught myself with my finger over the button. Talking isn't going to change anything. It would only prolong the pain for both of us. I don't have the strength to listen to her cry.

Kate sets down a plate of bacon, eggs, and pancakes in front of me along with the Coke I ordered. I give her an appreciative nod and dig in. It's the first warm meal I've had since Thanksgiving. I still need to call my brothers and apologize for not being around the rest of the weekend. I also need to call back a couple of clients and get back to work. I had my time to pity myself, but now it's time to get back to life and move on—if that's even possible.

I glance up. Kate is watching me. That's strange. I give her a nod and go back to eating, focusing on my plate. Moments later, she's standing at my table.

"Hey, Kate," I say. "Your mom doing okay?"

"Yeah, she's doing good," she says. "Can I stick my nose where it doesn't belong for a minute?"

"Um . . . sure," I say.

Kate slides into the other side of the booth.

"Are you and Lacey still together?" she asks.

I harden to her question.

"I'm not sure that's anyone's business," I reply and shove another bite of pancakes into my mouth.

"I know, but here's the thing," Kate says. "She was in here last night, and she was with another guy."

I bristle.

"She's free to do what she wants," I say in barely more than a growl.

"Well, I just thought it was odd. I've never seen him around here, but he definitely talked like he knew her well. I didn't hear everything?—"

"I don't need to know what they were talking about, Kate."

"He just kept asking her to come home with him."

"What do you mean?" I ask, jealousy winning out.

"I don't know. He just kept saying he'd changed and asking her to give him another chance. Do you think it was an ex-boyfriend or something? Do you think she's going to move back to North Carolina?"

"Did you catch his name?" I ask, dread filling my chest.

"Oh, gosh..." Kate says. "Tim or Ken or Ben, maybe? One of those one-syllable names, I think."

I pull two twenties out of my wallet and hand them to Kate.

"Here, I need to get going," I say.

"Oh, this is too much."

"Keep the change." I slide out of the booth.

Jumping into my truck, I drive down the block to the flower shop. Lacey's truck is nowhere to be seen. Without wasting time, I hurry inside. Mom is standing at the counter when I walk in.

"Is Lacey here?" I ask.

"No, she called me last night saying she needed some time to work some things out," Mom says.

"What things? What does she need to work out?"

"I don't know, dear. She didn't say."

"Did she say when she would be back?" I ask, tapping my fist on the counter.

"She said she would let me know."

"Gotta go, Mom. Love you."

I turn and rush out the door. Back in my truck, I head straight for Lacey's. What happened while I was in the canyon? Was it Ben? Did he convince her to give him another chance? The thought of Lacey actually leaving makes me sick. I shouldn't have been so quick to run when we disagreed about the camper. That was weak of me.

I don't want to be without Lacey. Hopefully I haven't realized too late how much I need her. I never should have left like I did. Why didn't I stay and try to understand her reasoning? She has her own past, too. She's just as entitled to her insecurities as I am to mine. I was only thinking of myself. Reaching over and opening the glove box, I pull out the little black velvet box and stuff it into my pocket. I've got to make this right before I lose my chance and lose Lacey for good.

I pull into Lacey's driveway in a panic, hoping she's home and hoping she's alone. But her truck and camper are both gone. My heart drops. She's not here. All that remains is the deck George built her. I'm too late.

Fuck.

She's gone.

I climb out of my truck and pull out my phone to dial Lacey's number. It goes straight to voicemail. I hang up the phone and walk over to the hammock. My body collapses into the frozen threads of the hammock, swinging gently back and forth, as the reality of what I lost and the finality of Lacey being gone sinks in. Pulling the velvet box out of my pocket, I flip it open to look at the ring. Days ago, this ring represented a hope I thought I'd lost. It represented the love I hadn't expected to find and the future I was euphoric to begin with her.

Snapping the box closed, I stand from the hammock and pitch the little velvet box across the empty lot. I yell in frustration and kick over the bench by the firepit, storm back to my truck, and drive away.

Back in town, I stop by my office to grab my camping gear. I need my small insulated tent and other cold gear for this time of year. I load my hiking pack with the necessities and toss the pack in the back of my truck. I make quick work of packing and climb back into my truck. I pull my phone back out, this time to text Mia.

Me: Headed to the canyon. Be gone a few days. Let mom know for me.

Mia: You know how pissed mom gets when you stay out overnight this time of year. That why you want me to break it to her?

Me: Mia, please.

Mia: Everything okay?

Me: no

Me: see you in a few days

I put my phone up and drive out of town. This is the last place I want to be. Lacey is all over my memories of this town. I won't find any peace here. I need to go somewhere I can forget. Determined not to break, I press my foot down on the accelerator and hightail it down the road.

I climb out of my sleeping bag after the sun has risen and layer my clothing on. I've been in the canyon for three nights now. Between the small insulated tent, a mylar blanket laid on the floor of the tent for extra insulation, and a liner in my hot core sleeping bag, I've survived through the cold nights easily enough. The thermometer outside my tent reads seventeen degrees when I step out into the crisp morning air. I rub my hands together, trying to create enough friction to give them extra warmth.

Putting my gloves back on and taking my pot with me, I walk down to the river's edge to fish out some water. I carry the water back up to my camp, setting it aside in the snow while I get my fire going again. I pull out a bag of cotton balls. Taking a couple out, I cover them in petroleum jelly, position them under my tinder, and light them. Once the tinder catches, I slowly add some of the wood I kept dry by wrapping it in a tarp.

I boil my pot of water, killing any possibility of bacteria, and give myself something hot to warm myself with from the inside. I watch the water flowing down the river and sip on my hot water. I know Mom is probably furious with me and stricken with worry. I'd hoped being out here in nature would wipe my thoughts of the things that are lying so heavy on me, but that hasn't worked this time. Instead, I've had ample time and freedom to sulk and wallow in my misery. No, escaping isn't possible. Today, I'll pack up and hike back out of the canyon. Maybe I'll get Mia to come and drown my sorrows with me, but I know the best thing for me at this point is to get back to work.

Nana's house should be ready to move in to. That's another thing I'll have to face with Lacey gone. The house will be a constant reminder of my loneliness and the loss of the future I thought I was going to have with Lacey. Every thought of myself in that house had Lacey right beside me. The hurt may never go away. I toss the rest of my water and pull my pack out of the tent. Putting away the sleeping bag and blankets, I disassemble the tent and pack it.

The snow crunches under my boots as I hike back out of the canyon, my pack on my back. I have four miles to hike out to my truck. Four miles of walking to contemplate my poor choices that landed me here.

As I hike, I start making a plan of action for once I get home, trying to keep my mind occupied. I'll get moved into Nana's house first thing. I'm not interested in sleeping on the couch at the office any longer. I need to visit the McAllen ranch for a herd health visit. That will take a good amount of my time.

I'll start moving my office to Nana's, too, like my grandfather had it. Lacey fixed it up better than I could've imagined. I didn't think my grandfather's desk was going to be salvageable, but somehow, she managed to restore it to its former glory.

Lacey.

The hole in my chest gapes with the thought of her. This isn't going to be easy, and if the way she keeps coming to mind is any indication, it isn't going to be quick, either. I wonder if she's made it back to North Carolina yet. Is she safe? Has she thought about me?

I toss my backpack into the back of my truck and climb inside to start the engine, warming it up for a minute. My phone is waiting in the glove box for my return. I didn't take it into the canyon because I don't have service out there anyway. Pulling it out, I find the battery is dead, so I plug it in to charge on my way into town. Hopefully the heat will start blowing soon. I climb out of the truck again to scrape my windshield and mirrors, then start my drive home.

The closer to town I get, the worse the gnawing in my chest becomes. Maybe being out in the canyon was helping more than I realized. I wish I could see her just one more time. I need her to know how I feel about her, and I want her to come back to me.

Maybe I should go there. Maybe if I show up in North Carolina and pummel Ben's fucking ass I can convince her to come back to Montana with me. Or will she send me away without a second thought?

Lost in my thoughts, I drive out to where Lacey's camper used to sit. I pull into the driveway, hoping that her camper has magically reappeared. Maybe I'll wake up and discover this was all a horrible dream. The lot still sits empty. The deck is still isolated. There aren't any tracks in the snow. Even the bench I kicked over a few days ago remains lying on its back, covered in fresh snow. I back out of the driveway. Noticing George's truck at home as I'm passing by, I make a quick decision to pull in. Maybe George at least knows if she's okay.

I stretch and walk up to the front door, taking a minute to gather myself, feeling more emotions than I want to share with my friend right now. Once I feel like I'm in control, I knock on the door. The door swings open, and my breath departs from my body. I freeze, eyes locked on the figure in front of me.

Lacey.

Coming to again, I step through the doorway and plow into her, enfolding her in my arms, knocking her backward a few steps. I nuzzle my nose into her hair and inhale her scent. If I'm hallucinating, I hope the mirage never disappears. Lacey wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me back. After several minutes, I pull away, holding her at arms-length and looking her over.

"Are you okay?" I ask in a choked voice.

"I'm fine. Are you okay?" Lacey asks, confusion in her eyes.

"No. Yes. No. I don't know," I say. "I thought you'd left. Kate said you were in the diner with Ben. Your camper's gone. I thought I'd never see you again."

"No, I'm here. I've been right here."

I pull Lacey back into me and hold her tight. Moments pass and I let her loose again.

"You're not leaving?" I ask.

"No, Jacob. I'm not going anywhere."

"And Ben?"

"He's gone," Lacey says.

I hug her tightly again, my mind spinning so fucking fast I can barely keep up with myself. It's no wonder Lacey stares at me, her look startled and confused.

"I've got to go," I say urgently and turn back out the door. Barely stepping out onto the porch, I turn back around and smash my lips into Lacey's. My hand goes to her hair, holding her close. Her warmth spreads back through my body as our mouths touch, and I remember how easily I can lose myself in her. Pulling away again, I jog out to my truck, hop in, and tear out of the driveway, catching a glimpse of Lacey in the doorway, her hand to her lips. George is now standing behind her.

I pull back into the empty, snow-covered lot and jump out of my truck. Rushing over to the hammock, I turn to face the lot again, thinking. I'm momentarily pulled from my thoughts when George pulls in behind my truck. Snapping back to the task at hand, I stride several feet forward and drop to my knees in the snow, feeling around and digging with my hands.

"What are you doing?" George asks, bewildered.

I glance up at him briefly and continue my search, crawling toward the deck.

"I'm looking for something."

"What are you looking for?"

"A ring. I'm looking for Lacey's ring."

"What ring?" George asks. "Jacob, are you sure you're okay? You look like you might have been out in the elements for too long."

"I need the ring!"I say, desperation overtaking me.

Just then, my fingers grasp something hard and square. Pulling it up out of the snow, I see the black velvet box in my hand. I pry open the frozen box and pull the ring out, inspecting it for damage. It appears to be fine. I hold it up to George, a grin filling my face.

"I'm flattered, really," George says. "But you're not my type."

I stand and brush the snow off my knees.

"I've got to go see Lacey," I say, rushing for my truck.

George puts a hand on my chest, stopping me.

"Hold your horses, Romeo," George says, "What in the hell do you think you're about to go do?"

"I'm going to get my girl. Back off, man."

"No, you're not," George says, shaking his head.

I stumble backward.

"Why the hell not?"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you two aren't even a couple right now, are you?"

"That doesn't matter."

"Listen to me," George says. "I'm not saying you shouldn't go back there and get your girl. All I'm saying is save the ring for another day. Plan it out. At the very least, make sure she's still your girl before you pull a ring out."

Huffing, I pace in the snow for a few seconds and mull over George's advice. "No, you're right. I need to do this right."