35. Lacey

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

lacey

S tanding in the driveway, I watch Jacob leave, my arms wrapped tightly around my chest. My throat is tight and tears stream down my cheeks. I am unable to move. I try to make sense of what just happened, but the pain inside me overtakes my senses. I feel like I'm drowning, and the realization sinks in: he left me.

Finding the strength to push forward, I stumble down the driveway and head for Jalynn's house. She'll know what to do. The cold air stings my bare skin, the breeze whipping against my body.

I strike my fist against the door over and over again, barely able to breathe through the feeling of a million needles in my throat. My chest aches, and my sinuses burn from choking on the cold night air. The porch light illuminates the darkness. The door flies open, Jalynn and George standing on the other side.

"Heavens to Betsy, Lacey, what's going on? Are you okay?" Jalynn asks, pulling me inside. I shake my head, and the sobs finally escape my strangled throat as Jalynn wraps her arms around me.

"How's she doing?" George asks Jalynn down the hall.

"I'm worried about her, George," Jalynn replies. "She got up a couple times to use the bathroom, but I've hardly been able to get her to eat a single thing. Did you find Jacob?"

"Yeah. He's hiding out in his office in town. I brought up Lacey, and he told me I could leave. I don't know what happened."

Jalynn barges through the nursery door where I've been hiding away from the world in the bed Jalynn fixed up for me. She sits on the edge of the bed and pulls the covers down from my face. I groan and cover my face with my arms.

"Okay, Lace, I know your heart is broken, and the last thing you want to do is get up and face the world, but I've had about all of this I can take. I'm worried sick about you." Jalynn pulls my arms down from my face. "Look at me. I'm already about to pop, and if you keep stressing me out like this, you will single-handedly be the reason I go into labor. If I go into labor, I'm going to have a newborn and a sore cooch to worry about. I don't have the time or energy to take care of you, too, which means you'll waste away and die. I can't have that on my conscience, so I need you to sit up and talk to me." I groan again and turn away from Jalynn. "Lacey. Come on, girl. Talk to me."

Slowly, I turn and sit upright, scooting back against the bed's headboard. I thought I was out of tears to cry, but sitting up now, I feel my eyes beginning to fill again.

"Now what?" I choke out.

"That's better," Jalynn says. She looks surprised that I actually listened to her. "Now, tell me what happened, sweetie."

"Jacob broke up with me," I whisper.

"Why? Did you two have a fight?"

"He wants to sell the camper."

"Okay," Jalynn says, waiting for the punch line.

"I told him we can't, and he got mad. He doesn't understand."

"Okay," Jalynn says again. "I guess I don't understand, either. What's the problem?"

"Jay, I can't sell the camper. If I sell it, I won't have a way to get away if Ben shows up."

"Honey, on the off chance that Ben shows up, you aren't going anywhere. Ben is the one that will leave. Without you. You understand that, don't you?"

"No, if he shows up, I'll have to leave. He's not just going to let me be."

"Okay, here's what we're going to do," Jalynn says, turning on her motherly voice again. "You remember what you always used to tell me when I had a breakup?"

"Yeah...washing the sadness away is the first step to feeling better," I mumble.

"Exactly. So first, you're going to get up, shower, and put on clean clothes. Once you're respectable, you're going to eat, and we'll figure out a solution."

"I can't get up," I say, tears beginning to spill from my eyes again. "I'm too depressed. I just want to curl up under the covers and disappear."

"I know. I promise you, I get it. But I also know whenever you're upset about something, the first thing you do to feel better is clean yourself up. Lacey, your problem is one with a solution. You aren't going to lie in this bed and waste away over a problem we can fix."

I groan, but I know she's right. I pull myself up out of bed and head to the shower.

Feeling slightly more optimistic after a shower and some clean clothes, I slide onto the barstool at the kitchen island. Just as Jalynn said, a plate of food is waiting for me. Jalynn sits on the stool next to me with a mug of hot cocoa.

"Are you ready to figure this out?" she asks.

I respond with an unenthusiastic nod.

"What's the first problem we need to solve?" Jalynn asks, but she already knows.

"Jacob."

"Why'd you break up? Can you tell me about it?"

I scoot the food around on my plate, my chin resting on the hand that I have propped up on the counter.

"I don't want to sell the camper."

"Why does he care whether you keep it or not?"

"I don't know." My fork clatters onto my plate as I hide my face in my hands.

"Where are you going to live if you sell it?"

"He asked me to move in with him," I say through my hands. "Into his nana's house."

"What did you say?"

"I told him yes. And then he said he knows someone interested in buying the camper."

"What if it was you with the house and Jacob was moving out of an apartment to live with you, but he wanted to keep the apartment," Jalynn asks, rubbing my back.

"It's not the same, Jay. I have a legitimate reason to keep the camper. He wouldn't have any reason to keep the apartment."

"I bet he would think his reason for keeping the apartment was legitimate, too. Just something to think about."

Is she right? I push my plate away and pull my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly against me. I haven't thought about it from Jacob's point of view. I haven't thought about what it might mean to him. To me, it's survival, but to him it's destruction.

Monday morning comes too quickly. I try calling Jacob on my way into work for the first time since our breakup. He doesn't answer,but I didn't really expect him to. Maybe after work I'll try to go by his office and see him.

The bells chime over the door as I walk in. Maddie is at the front counter, already updating the sidewalk sign,so I put my stuff down behind the counter and look over our list for the day.

"I wasn't sure I'd see you today," Maddie says.

"How's Jacob? Have you talked to him?" I ask.

"He's taking it hard, but he'll be okay. He took off early this morning to go fishing," Maddie says. "How about you, dear? How are you doing?"

"I've been better," I admit, forcing a weak smile. "I was hoping to talk to him today."

Maddie reaches over and squeezes my hand.

"I'm confident it will all work out in time," Maddie says. She picks up the sidewalk sign and takes it out front.

It's hard being at work. Instead of being occupied, I'm surrounded by reminders of Jacob: his mom, our mishaps in the greenhouse, our first kiss in the back room of the shop. The day is torturous but eventually comes to an end. I lock up the shop and head out, ready to curl up in bed and escape this day. My blood runs cold, though, when I turn the corner to my truck and find a familiar man leaning against the hood, waiting on me.

"What are you doing here, Ben?" I ask.

I want to turn and run, but I stand my ground, stretching my spine more to make myself look strong and unaffected by him. That's what they say to do when you encounter a bear, right? Make yourself look large?

"You didn't think I'd really just let you go, did you?" Ben asks, pushing off the hood of the truck and walking toward me.

I visibly bristle, despite my intentions to appear unfazed by him. He stops, hesitates for a moment, and seems to decide not to come any closer.

"What do you want?" I ask, straightening myself again.

"I want you, baby. I wanna talk."

"I don't have anything to say to you. How'd you find me?"

"I found you in the background of a picture Jalynn posted online, so I knew you were here. I drove out and been looking around town till I found your truck. Please, just have a conversation with me. Hear me out. I know you don't owe me anything, but I've come all this way. We can go over to the diner. I'll buy you dinner." Ben nods his head down the street toward the diner on the corner. I fold my arms in front of me. "Come on, don't be this way. I won't even touch you. I just want to talk. I've come all this way. Don't make me leave without the chance to talk."

"I can't make you leave. I can't make you do anything. I can't make you stop drinking or smoking or anything else, because I don't have control over what you do. Your choices aren't my problem anymore. And my choices? They're all mine to make," I say, pointing at my chest. "We can go to the diner and talk, but I'm not going back to what we were. It took me a long time when we were together to allow myself to want more than you could give me, and now that I've found it, I'm not letting you take it away from me. I'm worth more than that. I deserve better than you."

"You're right, Lacey. And my problems are mine to worry about. But please, have a conversation with me at least."

"Okay," I say after a beat of silence. "But then I don't want to see you again."

I follow several steps behind Ben as he walks down the block to the diner. My worst fear is manifesting, and I'm ready to get it behind me. I don't want to run anymore. Something is different about him. I can't put my finger on it, but something has changed.

Ben requests a table for two, and the hostess seats us in a booth in the middle of the diner. I recognize the girl who comes over to take our orders. Her name is Kate. She's been the waitress for me and Jacob several of the times we have stopped in to eat. Jacob always asks about her family. Kate looks warily from me to Ben and back again when she comes up to the table, but she takes our orders and goes to put them in without saying whatever must be going through her mind.

"Talk," I say. "What do you want from me?"

"I want you to come back with me," Ben says without hesitation.

"What makes you think I would want to? I left for a reason."

"I don't know. I hope you still love me, though."

I scoff at his comment.

"I've changed, Lace," he insists.

"How am I supposed to believe that?"

"You can ask around if you want. I changed jobs. I'm not at the factory anymore. I'm doing HVAC now, and I've almost finished the training. It's going to be a good change for me, Lacey. And I put the bottle away." Ben reaches in his pocket and tosses a round emerald chip onto the table. "That's my three-month chip."

I hesitantly reach over to pick up the chip and examine it.

"That's good, Ben. I'm happy for you," I say, handing the chip back to him.

"I know I've been really lousy to you. I didn't handle Brian's death the way I should have. I've said and done a lot of things to you I wish I could take back. But my therapist says I'm making good progress."

"You're in therapy now?" I ask, surprised.

"I go twice a week. It's really helped me escape the demons, you know? I wish I'd listened to you and gone when you suggested it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have screwed things up so bad."

"That's great, Ben."

"I know all of this is sudden. It's a lot to take in. But I'm actually doing it, Lace. And I'm doing it for you, baby." Ben reaches over and takes my hand in his, causing me to flinch on instinct, but I don't pull away. "When you left, my world didn't just fall apart, my world was gone. You are my world, Lace, my everything. I realized this life isn't worth living without you. I knew there was no way you would come back to me if I didn't change. You leaving made me realize how bad I'd become. In a sense, you leaving saved me. But I'm doing better now, and you're the only person I want to share it with. I know I still have amends I need to make with you. I don't expect you just to automatically trust me again, but do you think there is any chance you could forgive me? Is there any chance for us, Lace?"

"Ben, I don't know?—"

"If you're open to it, I'll tell you what I was thinking. I have just over a week before I have to go back to work. Let me prove myself to you. If things are going okay, I'd like you to think about coming home with me and giving me another chance. You can stay at the house, and I'll stay at the motel until I earn your trust back. If it takes a month, fine. If it's six months, yeah, I probably deserve it. As long as it takes, Lace. I just want you to give me a chance. Let me prove myself to you, show you how I've changed."

This is it. This is what's different about him. The misery and malice are gone from his countenance. Instead, he carries a peace and hope that I don't know I've ever seen in him. For the first time in years, I'm looking into the innocent eyes of the first boy to steal my heart. All of the good memories flood my mind, melting my heart for him all over again. Unable to fight the urge, I reach across the table and stroke Ben's cheek. It's as though we're sixteen again and the center of each other's world.

"You've really changed, haven't you?" I ask. "I feel like I'm looking at the old Ben again."

"You are, baby. You are!"

I take Ben's hands in mine and give them a squeeze. Tears begin to fill my eyes, and despite all that's happened, I'm happy. The Ben I fell in love with is back.