Chapter Seventeen | Ethan

What the hell was Daniel thinking, asking me something like that? Over the phone. To sway my hesitance to continue with him. An open relationship? He had no idea how I felt about him.

Because you haven't told him.

If I committed myself to him, I'd have no interest in even looking at other men. My devotion to him would be absolute. It was offensive to me that he thought I needed outside sex.

In all the conversations we'd had, had he not sensed that about me?

Fuck.

It was past 9 pm but I wasn't settling.

Me: I need you.

Owen: What's up?

Me: Daniel. I'm not sure anymore.

Owen: I'll be right there.

I went to the kitchen and made a pot of Victoria Grey tea. Owen arrived as it finished steeping. We stood in silence, hip to hip as we clinked away, stirring milk into our cups.

We curled up on the couch next to each other, sipping.

Owen would wait for me to start.

"What you guys said hit home," I said finally. "Eva too. She pointed out that at some point in our relationship, the age difference is going to feel vast. I don't want Daniel to feel guilty."

"You're more worried about his feelings."

"Of course. I love him, Owen."

Owen played with his cup, spinning it around in his hands. "I know what we said, but we don't honestly know how your relationship would unfold over time."

I sighed. "But the risk is there. I don't know if I can do that to him."

"Is it your decision? Why do you get to decide for him? You should decide based on how you feel about him and let him be in charge of his own emotions."

"You've changed your tune."

"I've given it more thought. If I found someone I loved, I'd fight for him no matter what."

I looked down at my cup. Tears welled in my eyes. "There's more, though. A deal breaker."

"What?"

"He asked if I would be interested in an open relationship?'

"He wants to see other people?"

"That would be the definition of open . Made it sound like he was doing it for me. He said, and I quote, 'You wouldn't have to give up men your own age for my sake.'"

"He obviously doesn't know you. You're very much a closed relationship guy." Owen rubbed my back between my shoulder blades, calming me. "Maybe he wants to see women too."

"Fuck … I hadn't even thought of that." I shook my head. "No, the more I think about it, the more I think he's telling the truth. That he would want to be open for my sake. He thinks he wouldn't be enough for me because of the age difference. Like I'm some kind of sex addict. Not sure that makes me feel an y better. Surely, he must know he means more to me than that."

"What are you going to do?"

A tear ran down my cheek. "Love shouldn't hurt this much."

"Sometimes it does until you sort things out."

I set my cup down and leaned my head against Owen's shoulder. "How would you know that?"

"Fuck off." Owen shook with soft laughter. "I read."

"It would be so much easier if I was just attracted to you ."

Owen snorted. "I'm not so bad."

"You'd smother me."

"In a loving way." Owen hugged me to him. "What are you going to do?"

"Sleep on it—again. I'm torn. I don't even know if he's in love with me."

"Would that make a difference?"

I groaned. "I don't know. Even if he loves me, maybe our expectations for a life together are different." I yawned, righted myself, and scrubbed my hands through my hair. "I need sleep."

"Do you want me to stay over?"

I grabbed Owen's arm. "Please."

Owen rose to his feet, took my hand, and hauled me up. "Bed." Fully clothed, my best friend wrapped me in his arms, holding me as I fell asleep. I awoke briefly some time later.

Owen was asleep. For a second, I'd thought his arms were Daniel's.

I tucked closer to him and soaked my pillow with tears.

I loved Daniel but he and I wanted different things in life. It was still early enough in our relationship that recovery wouldn't send me into a tailspin. I needed to protect my heart.

There was only one decision I could make.

The phone calls and text messages stopped. We both knew it was over. There was no reason to hash it out over the phone. My hanging up on him after effectively telling him to fuck off had been enough of a message to let him know I wasn't interested in continuing our relationship.

I pulled onto the driveway of my parents' house. My mom had this dinner planned for weeks. The whole family would be there. I didn't feel like I had the option of jamming out.

The big farmhouse came into view. Recently, my parents had painted the house a pale yellow, covering up the boring white it had been for the entirety of my childhood. I had happy memories of racing around the wrap-around porch and swinging on the many porch swings.

I lifted the bowl of potato salad off my passenger seat I had made and headed into the chaos that was my family. In addition to my mom and dad, there were my two sisters, their husbands, and five nieces and nephews ranging in age from eight months to eight years old.

Everyone was piling into the backyard as I made a beeline to the kitchen. My mom and my eldest sister, Emma, were racing around, organizing all the food that had been brought. It looked like we were having marinated chicken breasts done on the barbeque. Hotdogs for the kids.

Emma came over and kissed my cheek. "Hey, little brother. How are you doing?"

"Honestly? Life sucks right now."

"Come and find me after dinner." She grabbed a bowl of green salad. "We can talk."

"Thanks."

Emma left the kitchen, leaving me with my mom. Tears pooled in my eyes. My mom rushed to me and held my face. "Oh … baby boy, what's the matter?"

I sucked in a ragged breath, and the tears escaped, streaking down my cheeks. "It's over. "

"You and Daniel?"

I nodded. My throat was too sticky to speak.

"What happened?"

I found my voice. "We're not compatible long term. We had fun, but he wants different things than me when it comes to our relationship. Things I can't give him."

That had been the straw that settled it. His desire for an open relationship. He felt guilty about tying me to an old man . If he felt that way already, there was no hope for us.

I certainly wasn't going to sleep with other men to make him feel better about us.

"I'm so sorry, Ethan."

"The age difference did us in."

"I thought it might. You're a young man still. He's had his family and children already."

I frowned. "I don't want children, Mom."

"Maybe if you meet the right man."

I gripped my mom's arms. "No, Mom. I like my life the way it is. I get all the fulfillment I need from my business and my friends. My only desire is to find someone to share it with."

"And you're sure that's not Daniel."

I released her. "Sometimes being in love with someone isn't enough." I needed to get out of the house, but I didn't want to face my family. "I need to go see Phantom."

"What about dinner?"

"Save me some." I swiped some of the tears off my face. "I'm not in a good place. I thought I could get through a family dinner … but I can't. I'm sorry."

"You do what you need to do."

"Thanks, Mom."

I escaped the house through a side door and headed for the barn. The scent of hay and horse manure started me on a path toward feeling better. Phantom heard me coming and whinnied .

I grabbed his halter and lead and went into his stall. He was in a good mood, nudging me with his nose and trying to nibble my hair. I pulled on the halter and led him to the indoor ring.

He snorted and bobbed his head as I unhooked the lead and placed him beside the block of steps. I mounted in one smooth motion and urged him into a walk. It felt good to be against his skin instead of separated by a saddle. We ambled along, his rocking back and forth soothing me.

I lay my head on his mane and wrapped my arms around his neck—and sobbed.

I'd never suffered like this before at the end of a relationship. And I'd been with two of those men for years. Daniel had ensnared my entire heart and climbed inside.

"Did I make a mistake, boy?" I whispered against Phantom's thick bristly mane.

Phantom snorted. He liked the sound of my voice. He had no opinion. I stroked his neck and inhaled his scent. I straightened up and put my hands on his withers.

I clicked my tongue. "T-rot." He increased his speed through a trot until I had him in a full canter. I flung my arms out to both sides, tipped my head back, and closed my eyes.

It was the closest thing I'd found to the feeling of flight achievable on land.

As the days went by, it became easier. I found comfort in remembering the good times I spent with Daniel. I had learned a lot about myself through my relationship with him. I'd never be shy to let potential partners know about my sexual and emotional needs ever again. I knew what I was looking for now. And what I was unwilling to consider. I was healthier for having known Daniel.

My phone dinged with a message from Carlos .

Carlos: I published a new book. You're in it. I have a copy for you. Plus, a surprise.

Me: I like surprises.

Carlos: When can you come by?

Me: Around 6 tonight?

Carlos: Perfect.

I was excited to see what photos of me Carlos had chosen. The rest of the day dragged by until I finally placed myself at the door to Carlos' loft.

The Latin beauty opened the door, once again shirtless and gorgeous, and looked me up and down—perusing. Attraction aside, I was genuinely happy to see him. I hadn't been socializing outside of the Salish Sea Society meetings. It was good to get out and see someone new.

"Hey, sexy." Carlos stepped aside. "Come on in."

"I'm excited to see what you've put together."

"I have a few books on the dining room table. Go look. I've signed one for you."

I was partway to the table when something else caught my eye. Leaning against the wall was a massive canvas. White sheets. Nude male body. Come fuck me eyes.

It was me.

"Whoa." I wandered toward it. "Is this my surprise?"

"Thought you'd appreciate it for your place. Let the boys know what they're getting."

A laugh escaped me. The first one I'd had in a while. "Not planning on entertaining."

"Things are still serious with your guy?"

I turned away from the canvas toward Carlos. "No. We split up. "

"Oh." He wandered up to me and stroked my cheek. "I'm sorry to hear that. Such a beautiful man deserves the best. I'd hoped your man would give you everything you need."

"It wasn't meant to be." I stepped away from him and went to the dining room table. I flipped open the cover of each book until I found the one dedicated to me.

Ethan,

The pleasure was all mine,

Carlos

I closed my eyes and sighed, melting into the attention as Carlos stepped up behind me and brushed his lips across the back of my neck.

"I'm here for you," Carlos whispered. "If you need to forget."

He kissed my flushed skin.

It felt good.

So good.

I turned to face him and placed my fingers on his lips before he kissed me.

"It's too soon, Carlos." I smiled at him. "I appreciate your sacrifice to make me feel better … but it's too soon. I'll need some time before I'm back on the playing field."

Carlos pouted at me. "I'll be waiting for you." He swept past me and began flipping through the pages of the book he had picked for me. He stopped on a photo of me.

On my stomach on the bed, my leg bent, my ass angled up.

"Oh, wow, Carlos." I brushed my fingers over it. "This is stunning."

"It's my favourite out of the entire series."

I turned the page. One after another. Men on the chaise lounge. Posing on the stool. Men on the same bed as my photo. I wondered how many of the men Carlos had fucked.

Carlos read my mind .

"None of them were as special as you." He closed the book and handed it to me. "Display it for your friends. Use it as a paperweight. Your choice. But know you helped inspire it."

"It'll be displayed." I held the book to my chest. "Thank you." I looked over my shoulder at the canvas. It was going to look good over my bed. A bed I'd shared with Daniel many times.

A bed where he'd stayed with me for days when I needed him most.

Why?

Why had it gone so wrong?

The entire drive home, I felt as though my heart was entering a new level of heartache. I hadn't wanted to have Carlos fuck me because I was in love with Daniel.

Still.

I didn't think I'd ever be able to stop.

Not sure I wanted to.