Chapter Fifteen | Ethan

Now that I'd been at work for a couple of days, I was starting to feel more like myself. I found the ritual of my daily baking schedule to be therapeutic. The coffee shop would have its full compliment of fresh baked goods again. I'd been told my customers had been complaining.

Claire and my manager had made the best of a bad situation and performed beautifully while I was home, wallowing in darkness. They'd taken over and run the shop without input from me.

I owed them a load of gratitude. It wasn't the first time I'd leaned on them that heavily.

Yesterday, my doctor and I discussed medication. There were some new ones he wanted me to try. New to me anyway. He'd convinced me we would find something that worked.

I'd told Daniel and he'd been supportive. A bit distant—sad, but supportive. He told me Sarah hadn't been dropping around to his house like she usually did. That any phone calls they had ended in an argument. Sarah was adamant that Daniel was making a mistake with me.

It hurt.

It might even be affecting us.

Daniel and I were supposed to go on a date tonight, but he had canceled, saying he had work to catch up on after taking so many days off with me.

It was the first time there'd ever been negative tension between us .

With the last of the baked goods in the display case, I turned on the open sign and unlocked the door. A steady stream of customers poured in. I decided to work the till.

Some of the customers were regulars and I greeted them as such, remembering their usual orders, and asking them about how they saw their day unfolding. Cash register small talk.

Then what appeared to be a romantic couple approached. The man was in his late 20s. No older. He still had that youthful glow. The woman he was with had to be in her late 40s.

"Welcome to Salish Café. What can I get for you?"

I was proven correct that they were together .

"What would you like this morning, hun?" the man asked and placed his arm around the woman's waist. "You had the caramel macchiato last time. Would you like that again?"

"I think I might have a mocha cappuccino this time. Craving chocolate."

They smiled at each other, a secret passing between them. Chocolate had significance. It made me chuckle a little. Daniel and I were playful like that. Secrets discreetly passing between us while in public. Little innuendos. Hints we were a happy healthy couple.

I missed him. Spending four days with Daniel had been a dream. He had held me through every descent I found myself in. Every cavern. Every bottomless pit. He'd been there for me.

I hadn't seen him since.

"Two mocha cappuccinos, please," the man requested.

"Would you like any baked goods with that?"

"No, just the coffee," the woman replied.

"Excellent. That'll be thirteen-thirty."

They paid and as I watched them waiting for Susie to make their coffees, it struck me that no one was paying them any attention, even though they were obviously a couple and there was a significant age difference. Seeing them together, displaying their love, heartened me.

Daniel was acting strange but what he and I had was special.

I hoped he wasn't having second thoughts about us.

My depression hadn't entirely lifted but I didn't want to miss this week's meeting of the Salish Sea Society . It had been a long week. I was on my second pint of pale ale.

Owen was still annoyed with the new real estate agent who had joined their company. The guy, Chad, was running in direct competition with him, scooping listings that would have previously gone to Owen. Now, he was having to split the high-end listings with the guy.

The reduced opportunities to make the big bucks were making Owen surly.

He loved money.

Loved it.

"What about you, Ethan?" Noah asked. "How are things with you and Daniel?"

"Tense, actually."

Liam straightened up. "What's happening?"

"His daughter is upset with him because of me. She's been avoiding him. And when they do speak, they argue." I picked at the edge of my coaster. "The distance is hurting him."

"Is he taking it out on you?" Noah asked.

"No … no." I shook my head. "Nothing like that. He's just a bit distant."

"Are you worried?" asked Owen.

I peered up at him. "He canceled our date during the week. He's never done that before."

"Do you think he's reconsidering?" Noah asked.

"I hope not." Heat prickled the skin on my neck and spread to my ears. "I'm in love with him. "

Liam set his glass down and stared at me. "Already?"

Noah looked between Liam and Owen, then at me. "Can I be honest with you, Ethan?"

I sucked in a long breath.

What.

"Go ahead," I replied.

"We didn't think you'd last this long with him."

My chest tightened and the heat in my ears really kicked off. "Why not?"

"The age gap," Owen said. "We thought you'd come to the conclusion it was too much."

"Fuck off." And I fucking meant it. "Age doesn't even come into play with us."

"Yet," Liam said.

"Can I play devil's advocate?" Noah asked.

I crossed my arms. "Have at it."

"What happens in twenty years?" Noah placed his hand on the table. "Life expectancy in Canada is eighty-three. What are his last ten years going to look like? Will you become his caregiver? Will he spend it in poor health while you're in your 50s and 60s? Still relatively young in the grand perspective. Do you want to tie yourself down like that?"

"Jeezus, Noah." I glared at him. "Thanks a lot for the vote of confidence."

"Just some things to think about," Owen said.

I directed my attention at Liam and then back onto Owen. "You all feel this way?"

"We think you might be setting yourself up for heartache," Noah replied.

"You love him," Liam said, "but you might want to rethink this relationship."

I pushed my chair back and surged to my feet. I was livid. My face was burning—my heart thundering. My fists clenched of their own accord. "Fuck all of you! "

I stormed out of there—all three of them calling for me to stop .

My lungs burned as I power-walked my way home.

I crashed on my bed in tears. The guys were right. I needed to think about this. Not just from a selfish perspective. I didn't want Daniel to ever feel guilty for getting old ahead of me. We were at completely different stages in our lives. Daniel was about to retire. I expected to work for another thirty years. What would our life look like? Then there was the issue of his daughter.

Daniel missed her and his grandson terribly.

Grandson.

He was old enough to have grandchildren.

Fuck, what are we doing?

The parking lot at Thetis Lake was packed. Most people were headed to the lake's edge to do a bit of sunbathing and swimming, enjoying the summer heat.

I needed the serenity of the trees in the hills above surrounding the water.

My sister Eva pulled into a spot a few down from me. I joined her, feeling lighter when I opened her back door to the squirmy wagging creature that was Eva's black Labrador, Murphy.

He leapt up and down on the seat to get at my face. I gave him a good scratch around his neck as he tried to lick my skin right off. I rubbed him harder, exciting him even more.

I laughed at his antics.

It felt good.

"Who's the special boy?" I reached into my pocket and withdrew a small dog treat. The healthy kind that my sister insisted were the only ones Murphy could eat .

"You spoil him." Eva waited for me to feed him then clipped the leash onto his collar. He was thrilled to jump out of the car. He began pulling, wanting us to get moving.

"All right. All right." Eva locked her doors, and we made our way across the parking lot. We walked along a wide trail that led to the beach area and the other trail heads.

"Let's do the short loop," I said. "It's too hot to go for long."

"Agreed." She adjusted the small backpack she was wearing. It would contain water for her and Murphy and a small silicone dish to help quench the thirst of the frantic-to-move-faster dog.

Eva let Murphy lead the way up the first short but steep incline. The rocky path leveled out for the most part once you were high enough to have a good view of the lake. The water was surrounded by massive boulders topped by Garry oaks and Douglas fir.

I soaked it in, the calm. The trail was shady, and cool, and wound through the immense trees. We walked in silence, only speaking to admire the lookout areas.

After climbing another hill, Eva nudged me. "What's up? It's not like you to take time off work during the day. I was surprised when you called."

"Mom told you about Daniel?"

"The Zaddy?" Eva smiled over at me. "Yup."

"Exactly that." I stopped to take a drink. "The guys think it's a problem … his age."

"What do you think?"

"I'll admit they have a point. I'd hate for Daniel to think he's holding me back."

"That's your concern? You're not worried that you might be missing out?"

"It doesn't feel that way when I'm with him."

"How does it feel? "

I lifted my lips into a slight smile. " So good. I've never felt this connected in a romantic relationship before. Ever. From day one, Daniel has made me feel good. Special and cherished. His desire for me has encouraged me to explore new parts of myself. Challenged me to peel back layers in my wants and needs and let him see them without any shame."

"You love him."

"I do." I swallowed, struggling to keep my composure as tears formed in my eyes. "Doesn't mean we should be together, though, does it? Maybe it's best if we get out now."

Eva shook her head. "Little brother … only you can decide that. I can't give you advice other than you have a lot to think about. Are you willing to take a chance that he'll believe you feel fulfilled in the years to come? Are you willing to make that kind of commitment to him? Because there will come a time when your age gap seems vast. Are you both ready for that?"

I had hoped Eva would help me achieve some clarity, but she had thrown more knots into my tangle of thoughts about whether Daniel and I should continue.

I had a feeling untangling the mess was going to hurt.