Chapter Fourteen | Daniel

I brushed the curls away from Ethan's forehead so I could see him better. My boyfriend truly was stunning. We'd made love again this morning. The wording fit what we had done.

There was no swearing.

No games.

No dirty talk.

No mention of Daddy.

Just us, enjoying each other. Pouring emotion into the union of our bodies. I'd never felt closer to Ethan than I did now. I nuzzled the side of his face and kissed his cheek.

"We should eat," I suggested.

Ethan hummed. "In a minute. I'm feeling euphoric."

"Chasing some of the darkness away?" Ethan had gone into detail about how the depression made him feel. His struggles. The times it had adversely affected his life.

"Having you here is doing that. I'll come out the other side soon. I always do."

I pressed my nose to his skin and clung to him. "That's an improvement from yesterday. Last night you felt doomed to stay in the darkness forever . That you'd never emerge."

"You've provided me with some light."

"Mm … I'm glad."

Ethan squirmed and tugged my arm tighter around him. "I like this the best."

"What?"

"Being held. More than the sex." I could feel the edge of Ethan's mouth lift into a smile against my lips. "Not that the sex isn't great. It is. But I have a need to feel safe and cared for."

He'd never admitted that desire to me before. Safe and cared for. I could do that for him. I desperately wanted to do that for him.

"I can be that person for you."

Ethan shifted to face me. "Are you sure?"

"Ethan, you're precious to me."

And much more.

But this wasn't the time to tell him. If he didn't feel the same, I would scare him away when he needed me most. I couldn't do that to him. Safe and cared for became my new mission.

He'd opened himself to me.

He trusted me.

I needed to do the same. "Can I tell you about something? Something personal."

Ethan touched my lips. "Always."

"My ex-wife and kids don't even know."

He angled his head back. "Are you sure you want to tell me ?"

"You've been so brave the last few days, I'm in awe of you. You've trusted me with the inner emotional workings of your mind. I need to share something with you to let you know how committed I am to us . I'm willing to share my secrets with you. You're that important to me."

Every bit of doubt I'd had last week had evaporated. Ethan had chosen me not Carlos. He'd had an erection in the photos. He'd denied the needs of his body out of commitment to me.

And now, his beautiful brown eyes … they held hints of an opening heart.

It wasn't about the needs of his body. He wanted me—all of me .

"You've already proven that," Ethan said.

I shook my head. "No, I need to let you in. To allow you to see what shaped me."

"I'm listening."

I steeled myself. "I had a hard childhood. Harder than I realized at the time. I thought my homelife was normal. That every kid went through what I did."

Ethan placed his hand on my chest. It soothed me.

"My dad was an alcoholic. A mean one." I stared into Ethan's eyes. "I don't remember a time in my young life when he wasn't beating me and my mom."

Ethan's eyes went wide. "Jeezus, Daniel."

"Didn't matter how quiet and careful I was, he found something to beat me for. My mom tip-toed around him, trying to make everything perfect in the home. Spotlessly clean. Beautiful dinners on the table when he came home from work. None of it mattered. Even when he was sober, he was a miserable son-of-a-bitch. He used his fists on my mom. Me … he took a belt to, strapping me all over my ass and the tender skin on my thighs. When I was fifteen, he punched me in the face."

Ethan's eyebrows dipped.

"I fought back. Got my ass whipped but I felt hope for the first time in my life. I started working out. By the time I was seventeen, I could take him and protect my mom. He turned his fists away from his family. My mom was forever bailing him out of jail for bar fights."

"She never reported him for abuse?"

I shook my head. "That would have led to worse beatings. Or so she believed."

"And she wasn't able to stop him from beating you?"

My heart ached. I knew I'd never fully forgive her. "I don't remember her ever trying. "

"Fuck." Ethan held my face and kissed me. "It makes me feel sick that you endured that." He brushed his hand through his hair. "Thank you for telling me. I know that was difficult."

"I want to be completely honest with you—always. About everything."

My gut twisted. There was more brewing deep inside. I'd never been this open and exposed with someone before. When I was with Ethan—my heart was full. It wanted to invite him in to stay. Maybe someday, I'd be brave enough to extend him that invitation.

Ethan's brow dipped. "The spanking … is that a trigger at all?"

God no.

I shook my head. "No, spanking you is done with pure affection. There is no malice. The act of spanking your ass, knowing you need it … it's so different from what my dad did to me." I brushed some curls away from his eyes. "I wouldn't engage with you that way if it took me back."

Ethan sighed and nodded. "You'll tell me if that changes, right?"

"Of course."

"Any time you need to talk about your dad," Ethan said, "I'm here for you."

"You have no idea how monumental that is for me. I've never talked to anyone about it."

"You can with me."

Ethan gave me the gentlest kiss I'd ever shared with him.

"Okay, we can talk more later, but right now … food." He tapped my chin.

We hauled ourselves out of bed and made our way to the kitchen. Ethan gave me the most incredible hug before he pulled some bread out of the fridge and set it to toast.

I grabbed a frying pan and started cooking some scrambled eggs .

This was the life I craved with Ethan. The everyday stuff. Climbing out of bed together and going about our day. Cooking. Cleaning. Even laundry. Laughing and holding one another.

I looked over my shoulder at him. He was making a mess of buttering the toast.

I smiled.

Love. That's what I felt. Deep honest love.

I'd found my forever.

After we finished eating, Ethan's plate barely picked over, I cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher, then washed the frying pan as Ethan stared into his cup of tea. He could spend an extraordinary amount of time doing that. Staring in silence, his breath shallow.

I gave his shoulder a soft nudge. "Let's take your tea into the living room."

He glanced up at me as if he'd been lifted out of a fog. "Yeah, sure."

"Do you have a tablet?" I led the way to the couch.

Ethan sat, set his cup down, and pointed at his shelving unit. "In that basket there."

"Perfect." I retrieved it and powered it on. A green image of a battery told me it was at full power. I flipped through the screens. They were dominated by baking apps.

I sat beside Ethan and opened the app store, found what I was looking for, and downloaded it. "Have you ever done crossword puzzles?"

Ethan's brow was furrowed when he looked over at me. "Are you going to make me do one?"

"We can work on it together." I tapped the screen to start the puzzle. "What's a six-letter word meaning a wise and faithful teacher, guide, and friend?"

Ethan exhaled long and slow. For a second I thought he was going to tell me to fuck off .

"Mentor."

"Agreed." I typed in the word on the screen. "Next one. What is a six-letter word meaning an occupant?" I knew this one. "I think it's tenant ."

Ethan nodded and moved closer to me so he could see the screen. He pointed at a clue. "Five letter word for strained to stiffness is tense ."

"That fits. A seven-letter word meaning to fill with extreme fear."

Ethan huffed. "I know that one well. Terrify ."

I rubbed his back and kissed his head as he leaned against me, taking over typing in the answers. When we were done with the puzzle, Ethan tossed the tablet onto the coffee table.

"Can I get you some more tea?"

He shook his head, shuffled down the couch, and put his head on my lap. I brushed my fingers through his hair, my attention lulled by the motion. I noticed the change in his breathing. So gentle and easy. His face was sweet and vulnerable looking as he slept. This was the man I loved.

And I would stay with him as long as he'd allow me to remain.

My love-stricken heart prayed for an eternity.

I'd spent four days and nights at Ethan's. Stayed with him until he started itching to go back to work. He'd set his alarm last night and was up at 3:20 am. He kissed me, told me to stay in bed as long as I wanted, and instructed me to lock his apartment when I left.

He'd smiled down at me.

They were coming easier—the smiles.

The next week or more at work would be hard for Ethan. He would have to push himself, but he was determined to pull himself out of the cavern he'd fallen into. I was so proud of him .

I'd told him so.

He'd practically purred as he climbed into my lap.

I circulated my kitchen, tidying up after dinner. Ethan wanted a night to himself to get back into his routine. He'd called me to let me know he'd had a good day at work, that he was making a healthy dinner for himself, and had plans to watch a movie tonight.

My urge was to go over there to be sure he was all right.

Protect him.

But he was a grown man and he had asked for his space.

I looked at my phone. I'd muted it for much of my stay at Ethan's. The calls had piled up. I'd texted everyone to let them know I was okay. It was time to return some of those calls.

I dialed Derek.

"Dad! Holy shit … where have you been?"

"I told you. I was with Ethan."

"Did you two take off on vacation or something?"

"No, we were holed up at his place."

"I don't want to know why. But turning your phone off, Dad? A bit extreme."

"I'm sorry. We needed to spend some time together."

Derek sighed. "Sarah phoned me to tell me about Ethan. About his age. I'm sure you got a similar earful as me. Not sure what she was thinking going into his coffee shop."

"She had no business doing that."

"Agreed. Are you pissed at her?"

"Not pleased, that's for sure. She has no idea how harmful her words were."

"She doesn't get it. I know loads of couples with an age gap like yours. More even."

"Maybe in our world … not hers."

"Is Ethan all right?"

"We're working through it."

"He means a lot to you, doesn't he? "

I focused on my breathing. "I love him."

"Oh, wow. So soon?" Silence. "Have you told him?"

"Not yet. I'm waiting for the right time."

"How is he going to react?"

"I don't honestly know, but we've become so close, I can't imagine being with anyone else."

"I'm so happy for you, Dad. Your joy means everything to me." He laughed. "I owe Michael twenty dollars. He was adamant you were going to fall in love with Ethan."

"You didn't think I would?"

"I thought you might have some experimenting to get out of your system first."

I laughed. "Oh, we experiment plenty, let me tell you."

Derek coughed and made a gagging sound. "Please don't tell me."

"I suppose I need to get your mom up to speed about him."

"If you're in love … I think it's time."

I nodded. "Okay, I'm going to go and do that."

"You going to head over there?"

"She deserves to hear it in person."

"Good luck. Love you, Dad."

"Love you too."

I ended the call and texted my ex-wife, asking if I could come over. I told her I had news I wanted to share with her. She responded that she and her fiancé, Mark, were finishing dinner and I was welcome to join them for an evening drink.

Sweat trickled down my back as I rang the doorbell. Partly because the temperature was finally at summer heat levels. Partly because I was nervous.

Delores swung open the door. "Daniel! So nice to see you." She stepped back. "Come in. Mark and I are on the back patio. I've made slushy margaritas. Can I get you one?"

"That sounds perfect. I'll meet you out there. "

I wandered through a home I knew well. We had raised our kids in this house. The patio I stepped out on had taken me six weekends to complete.

Mark rose to his feet and shook my hand. "Daniel."

"Hey, Mark. How have you been?"

"Enjoying retirement. You?"

"Not as busy as I was last month. I've been able to take some time off."

Mark nodded. "Tax season over?"

"The bulk of our clients are done."

Delores emerged from the house and set a frosty glass on the table for me. I took a seat.

"So … what's the news?" she asked.

Jumping right in.

I cleared my throat. "I've been seeing someone."

Delores' eyebrows rose. "Finally. I was wondering when you'd start dating."

I smiled at her. "I've found someone incredibly special."

"Tell us about her." She took a sip from her drink using a twisty straw. I had a similar one in my drink. Remnants of the straws our kids had insisted on using.

I played with the colourful plastic. "There's something I never told you."

"That sounds ominous."

I held her gaze. "I'm bisexual."

"Oh." Delores spun her glass on the table a few times, smearing the wet circle from the condensation. "So … you're telling me you're seeing a man?"

"His name is Ethan."

Mark grunted, thrust up out of his chair, and went into the house. I was surprised at his reaction. Derek had never mentioned that Mark might have an issue with him being gay.

"Ignore him," Delores said. "He's probably only annoyed because you used to be my husband." She had more to say. She was chewing on her bottom lip. I waited. "I'm caught off guard, not going to lie, but I always suspected something was up with your sexuality."

"How so?"

"Sometimes, you'd get a longing look in your eyes when you saw a gay couple. Plus, in high school, you used to blush something terrible when certain guys spoke to you."

"I've always been attracted to men … and women."

She smiled at me. "So, this Ethan caught your eye enough to tempt you into the dating game."

"He has captured me entirely."

"How long have you been seeing him?"

"A little over a month."

"Oh … so, it's new then."

I nodded. "Look, Delores, there's something I need to tell you. I'm honestly surprised Sarah hasn't said anything to you yet."

Delores stabbed at her drink. "She did say you were acting like an old fool."

"I'm only fifty-four. I'm hardly old." I tapped the table. "But that's the thing. Ethan … he's younger than me. By a fair bit."

Delores had one eyebrow raised. "What's a fair bit?"

"Almost twenty years."

Her eyes widened. "Oh, for fuck's sake, Daniel. He's the same age as our kids."

"He's older."

She scoffed. "Not by much. What could you possibly have in common with him?"

"We never run out of things to talk about. Time disappears when I'm with him."

"You're going to retire next year. What's he going to be doing? "

"Running his coffee shop. He's tied to it right now, but maybe—"

"He'll ease up to hang out with you in your retirement. Daniel … seriously?"

"We'll work it out … I can't imagine life without him."

"You're delusional. What does he even see in you?"

"We mesh, Delores. I don't know how to explain it."

Delores laughed. "And how much is this relationship costing you?"

"You sound like Sarah. Ethan doesn't need or want my money."

"What does he need?"

"Love. And I have it for him in abundance." I felt guilty telling other people about my love for Ethan before I'd even told him I was in love with him, but I needed to work my way toward having enough courage to tell him. Speaking the word aloud gave it the life I needed.

"Love? So soon." She coughed out a laugh. "You are an old fool."

"Maybe, but Ethan makes me feel young. My life is full of hope. I dream of having many adventures with him. I can imagine a fabulous life together."

"Until you're in your 70s and he's only in his 50s. What then?"

I frowned. I hadn't thought that far ahead. I'd be an old man and he'd be the same age I am now. Could I see myself with someone in their 70s? Their life winding down.

What if they were in a care home like my mom?

What if I was in one someday? Could I do that to Ethan?

I stood. "I need to go. Thank you for the margarita."

Delores bounced to her feet and grabbed my arm. "Daniel, it's not that I'm not happy for you. I just want you to consider everything. Is it fair to keep this young man from a different life? "

Maybe not.

"Thank you, Delores." I rushed through the house and out to my car. One simple conversation had changed everything. Was I selfish for wanting Ethan in my life?

Fuck.