Chapter Thirteen | Ethan

It was a busy Tuesday morning at the coffee shop. One of my front-of-house staff had called in sick last night. Instead of putting someone into overtime, I'd opted to cover the shift myself. I set out two cappuccinos and started two more plus an iced coffee. I switched places with Susie and went to take over at the till. I wasn't as quick on the espresso machine as her.

A late-20s woman with blonde hair fussed at the counter, peering back and forth, scanning. I gave her a few seconds to at least look at me.

Her eyes met mine. For a second, I thought I recognized them.

"Welcome to Salish Café. What can I get for you?"

"I'm sorry … I haven't come in for coffee. I was just passing by. I was picking up a few books from down the road." She fished her wallet out of her purse. "But I'll get something."

Strange.

"What would you like?"

"Just a small black coffee."

"For here or to go?"

"To go, please." She looked past my shoulder toward the door into the back.

I furrowed my brow. "Are you looking for something?"

She waved her hand back and forth. "No. I really shouldn't be. My dad would kill me."

I took a step back.

The eyes.

Oh … shit .

She set her hand on the counter. "But since I am here … I wonder if there's an Ethan around. My dad says he's the owner … if I even have the right shop."

I decided to play dumb.

Until Susie bounced up to me. "Hey, Ethan, can you take over for a second?"

The woman's eyes grew wide. "You?" She pointed at me. "You're Ethan?"

I tried to put on my best smile. "Guilty."

"No, no, no." She shook her head.

Sarah.

Her name was Sarah.

"Sarah, look, this probably isn't the best place—"

She bolted back from the counter. "I know what you're up to."

Fear crawled up my spine. I knew where she was headed, and I hated confrontation. "I can assure you, I'm not up to anything." I scooted around the end of the counter and joined Sarah on the far side. "Come with me." I ushered her to a back hallway and into my office.

"What have you done?" she accused as soon as I had the door closed.

"The only thing I've done is meet an amazing man."

"But you're my age!" her voice escalated.

"I'm almost ten years older than you, but age isn't an issue with Daniel and me."

"He's practically a senior."

"And that matters, why?"

She stared at me and then flung her hands up. "Just look at you."

I frowned.

What ?

"It's no wonder he's fallen for you. A beautiful young man giving him a bit of attention. Him freshly exploring his bisexuality. You saw him coming, didn't you?"

I dragged my hand through my hair. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Do I need to spell it out?"

Sarah thought I was taking advantage of Daniel. "What we have is genuine affection."

"I don't believe you."

It was my turn to cross my arms. "Obviously, but the last time I checked … Daniel was a grown man who can take care of himself."

Sarah glared at me. "Keep your hands off him."

I shook my head. "Not going to happen. Daniel is my boyfriend. That requires me to have my hands all over him. Making him feel good. And I'm not going to stop because you say so."

She turned the doorknob and yanked open my office door. "I'll talk some sense into him."

The tips of my ears burned. "Have at it."

When she slammed the door behind her, I slumped into my office chair. Sarah wasn't supposed to find out like this. Daniel should have been here to talk her down. Now, she'd gone off pissed and spitting, likely to storm in on Daniel's workday. I rubbed my chest then clung to my shoulder and lowered my forehead onto my desk. Her anger toward me had hit home.

His family was never going to accept me.

No matter how much we meant to one another—we were doomed.

The darkness growing within me clawed at my insides and found purchase. Crawled its way up my spine and buried itself at the base of my neck—and bloomed all black and inky .

The tiredness hit me first. Even the thought of leaving and driving home made my muscles ache. I wrapped my arms around my head, counting my breaths as though not doing so would mean I wouldn't have the energy or the will to breathe.

The sensation of quicksand pulled at my legs.

The tears began to fall.

Being with Daniel had been too good to be something that would last.

I didn't deserve anything that good.

I'd been na?ve and stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I smacked my head a few times then went in search of my keys. I could slip out the back and text the manager. Get him to cover for me for a few days. My mind was digging a hole fast.

Maybe I'd never be able to climb out of it.

Maybe that's what I deserved.

For three days, the text messages and phone calls kept coming. I had the phone on mute, but it kept buzzing. When the battery drained and the phone died, I hid it in my beside drawer.

On day one, most texts had been from the shop. I'd tried to respond to those from beneath my tumble of blankets. And then others slowly realized I wasn't answering them.

Owen, Noah, and Liam.

My mom. My dad. My sisters.

And Daniel. He was the most persistent. Leaving me the sweetest messages until the evening of day three when reality hit, and he realized I had ghosted him. Then he'd become frantic.

I burrowed into my bedding. It was for the best. He might ache for a while, but he'd get over me. He'd be free to find someone better suited. Someone his family would accept.

I drifted off to sleep, letting the cold darkness take me .

It was pitch black outside, the middle of the night, when the pounding on my door started. I hauled my blankets over my head and tried to ignore it.

"Ethan!" a voice called through my mail slot.

Stop.

"Ethan … please!"

I rolled toward the edge of the bed, my body responding to the distraught tone. My mind and the inky black clamped down. He'll go away. Just leave it. Daniel will go away .

"Baby, please let me in!"

No. Go away.

"Please … let me know you're all right!"

I hauled myself up until I sat on the edge of my bed. I loved the sound of Daniel's voice. I didn't like that he sounded as if he was in pain. That I was doing that to him.

"Ethan, come to the door! You don't even have to open it. We can just talk."

I drew a succession of jagged breaths in and out of my lungs. My mind wandered to memories of being held in Daniel's arms. I'd felt safe there. Maybe I could feel that safe again.

I struggled to my feet and wandered down the hallway to my front door, then slid my hip down the wood until I was seated on the floor. I tapped the mail slot to let him know I was there.

"Ethan … baby." Daniel's fingers appeared through the slot. I leaned my head against the door and watched them wiggling, then dragged my finger down one.

I settled in, playing with his finger as I listened to him breathing.

"Owen called me."

I sat up and pulled my hand away. "He shouldn't have done that. "

"He was worried. He was going to head over here and use his emergency key." Daniel sighed. "He loves you a lot, Ethan. He thought I should know what was happening."

I knew I shouldn't have told Owen what accounting firm Daniel worked for.

I frowned at the door. "And what is it that's happening?"

Daniel slid his fingers further through the mail slot, seeking. I desperately wanted to touch them. To feel their familiarity again. I lay my cheek against them.

"Owen says it's depression."

"Fuck Owen."

"You don't mean that." I could feel his breath through the slot. "Let me in."

"I don't want you to see me like this."

"Like what? Like you're human? Ethan, please … let me in to hold you."

A tear rolled down my cheek and I caught it with my knuckle, smearing it across my skin. I had a decision to make. If I let Daniel in, I'd be letting him into my entire life. The good and the bad. And right now, the bad was winning, hauling me into its ugly depths. Even from my place gripping the edge of a deep dark well, I could see a sliver of light, and I wanted to reach for it.

I stood and unlocked the door.

Daniel pushed his way in and wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight, his lips kissing my head, snuffling and sighing. It sounded like he was crying.

I didn't want him to cry over me.

"You're not allowed to cry," I said. "I don't want you to feel sorry for me."

Daniel sucked in a shuddering breath. "Okay. I promise I won't cry. I was just so worried."

I tipped my head forward and placed it on his chest. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. "

"You didn't hurt me, Ethan. You terrified me. I thought you'd cut me loose."

I looked up at him. "That was the plan."

"Why? Because of what Sarah did? She had no right to speak to you like that."

It had certainly contributed, but I wasn't about to drag Sarah into this. I'd been headed down this desolate road for weeks. Any little thing could have kicked me into the hole.

This wasn't her fault.

"I don't want to talk about it." Simple answer.

Daniel held my shoulders in both hands. His gaze caught mine and made sure I held his, drawing me in, there was so much compassion in their depths.

"I'm here for you. Whatever you need … or don't need. You only need to tell me."

"I could use a cup of tea." It was a simple request, but I knew Daniel would be all over it. He wanted to feel useful to me. And I realized I needed him to be that person for me.

I curled up on the couch, surveying what three days of strictly take-out food and no effort to clean up after myself looked like. Daniel didn't even raise an eyebrow as he pushed aside a burger wrapper and placed my cup of tea on the coffee table in front of me.

"Owen says you like movies as background noise when you need to sleep." He sat beside me, and I hugged his arm and placed my head on his shoulder. Unshowered for three days, I had to look a fright and probably smelled even worse, but he tugged me closer to him.

With one arm around my shoulders and the other on the clicker, Daniel picked an innocuous action movie that I'd seen many times before. I snuggled against him.

Safe.

This time, the darkness felt warm as it pulled me under .

Awakening to the steady beat of Daniel's heart, my head rose and fell with each of his gentle breaths. I tipped my head up. He was asleep; his head resting on the back of the couch.

He looked so serene as he slept. Nothing like the visceral fear exuded by his voice before I'd opened the door to him. He knew I was safe and that had brought him peace.

I traced a circle on his chest.

Breath in. Breath out.

I nuzzled against his neck, surrounding myself with his scent.

Here. This is where I wanted to be.

I kissed his jawline and touched his chin with my finger.

"You, sir … are my everything," I whispered. His breathing didn't change, nor would I want it to. I wasn't ready to tell him. Not when I was like this.

I tucked closer.

Against his skin, barely a silent movement of my lips, I mouthed— I love you .

The couch had become uncomfortable to sleep on. After Daniel picked up the garbage around my apartment and washed the dishes, he led me down to the bedroom.

His arms felt good around me as we lay in bed. My back to his chest, wrapped in his arms, his leg slung over my thigh, tangling our legs together. He kissed my shoulder.

"I need you to promise me you'll never do that to me again."

"Owen usually stays with me if it gets this bad."

"He's a good man but that's my job now. I'll be the one here for you."

"You're going to get sick of it—my moods."

"God, Ethan." Another kiss on my shoulder. "Never. I'll never be sick of you."

"My last relationship ended because of my depression. "

"I'm sorry he couldn't be there for you, but that's not me."

"He never really tried to understand … Marcus."

"His loss. He doesn't see what I do."

I sighed. "Daniel … you have no idea what you're getting into."

"I do. My boyfriend is a kind, generous, funny, intelligent, and fabulous man."

I huffed out a short laugh. "Not sure I know that guy."

"He's right here." Daniel tugged me closer. "Right here in my arms."

I contemplated what to say next. How much did I want to tell him?

"I've tried medication. Most of it just messed me up. Made it hard to work."

"Maybe there's something new you can try."

I shrugged. "Maybe."

"Should we find out?"

"We?"

"I told you … I'm here for you. You don't have to do this on your own."

Three significant words nearly formed on my lips. I loved this man. But right now, while this dark leech sucked hard, draining me, I couldn't find the courage to tell him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Ethan."

I blinked. The room was bright, the sun streaming through the curtains.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"It's Friday. I'm taking a long weekend to stay with you." He raised on one elbow. "I think the first thing we need to do this morning is get you into the shower."

I groaned, not wanting to move.

"I'll get in with you and help you."

Better .

After brushing my teeth, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had the appearance of an alley cat who had been dragged through a fence backward. And the stench wafting up off me—

Fuck, how had Daniel stood it?

"Let's get your clothes off." Daniel was already nude. He helped me out of my grey flannel shorts and fragrant t-shirt. Holding both my hands, he led me under the steaming spray.

Daniel popped open the shampoo and started with my hair. I closed my eyes, transported by the feel of his fingers washing my hair to a place of bliss. He squirted a small amount of my facial wash into my hands. I cleaned my face then stepped under the water to rinse.

When I emerged, he traced my lips with his fingers.

I swear, he stopped breathing.

The moment broke when the showerhead spurted.

With a soapy washcloth, Daniel started at my neck, lovingly washing every inch of my skin. My neck, my chest, under my arms—every one of my fingers—ever so slowly.

He sank to his knees, gently scrubbing my thighs. My knees to my calves and my feet. I lifted each one so he could be as thorough as he wished to be. He stood, soaped up his hand, and caressed my balls, cleaning them. I sighed and tipped my head back when he slipped my foreskin away and cleaned my cockhead and shaft. I gripped his shoulder as his soapy fingers slid through past my taint to my hole—cleaning. He went to withdraw. I gripped his wrist to stop his retreat.

"Touch me there," I whispered.

Daniel stepped closer, our lips almost touching. He circled my hole, caressing it, eliciting a persistent whimper from me. He caught every sound I made as he brought our mouths closer.

I melted against him as our lips met .

He pressed into me—just a fingertip and used his other hand to massage my balls. My cock hardened, fighting for space between our bodies with his iron-forged dick.

I panted against his lips, withdrawing.

"Make love to me." I didn't need to be fucked. I needed the most loving intimacy Daniel was prepared to give me. Daniel moaned and pushed me against the shower wall.

He found both my hands, entwined our fingers, and nuzzled against the wet skin below my ear. He was breathing heavily. "Fuck, Ethan … anything for you. You deserve to be worshipped."

I shivered with exhilaration.

He dried me as carefully as he had washed me and led me to the bed.

Again, he started at my neck—this time with his lips. Kissing, licking, and teasing every part of my body. He finished sucking on my toes and returned to my lips.

I dug my hands into his hair as his sheathed cock slid into me. I moaned and lifted my chin, digging my fingers into his shoulders as he rocked me into the bed.

Daniel held my gaze, his exuding an emotion I prayed I was interpreting correctly. I saw love—so much love staring down at me. I grunted as he increased his pace and wrapped my legs around his ass, urging him on. A tear escaped. I held his face in my hands and kissed him.

Even now, I couldn't find the courage to speak those three words.

He slipped off the condom, came on my cock, and gently stroked me to ecstasy.

My head resting on his chest, his arms around me, I broke down—tears spilling free. He bundled me up. "Get it out, Ethan. I'm here for you. I promise I'll never let you go."

My mind pulled all kinds of meaning from that statement.

I picked the one I needed to hear.

That I was loved.