18. Chris

I try my best to act normal, to prove to myself it was nothing more than a simple deal. Yet, Im still feeling broken, something that really surprises me.

For days now Ive been trying hard to prove to myself that Im okay, to push away the thoughts that come back every time Im not busy.

My mind keeps playing tricks on me that the so-called simple deal is everything I ever wanted in a relationship. I used to mock couples, wondering why two people would bind themselves to everlasting pain. But then I started spending just as much time with one woman, talking, eating, making out, and having deep, hard sex. Then, I finally understood why.

“Will you just quit staring at your phone if you dont give a damn like you said?” Luke scolds, and my eyes land on him with a hard stare.

We are seated in my personal private booth at my club. I had roped him into a night of fun. But since we got here, he keeps complaining that Im bumming him out. If I am, why has he not left?

“Im not staring at my phone.”

He scoffs and points to my phone, which is on the table beside me. “You keep glancing at it every ten seconds as if you are expecting a text or call from her. I will just tell you that you are just wasting your time waiting.”

I down another shot of liquor, relishing the burn, knowing Im having more than I should. Yet, it does nothing to dull the ache inside of me.

“Who says Im waiting?” I move to empty another bottle of brandy for self-preservation. I just want to forget everything.

“Me. Quit playing twenty questions with me. We both know what Im talking about,” he says.

He’s lost patience with me. I dont blame him; after all, Im a lot to handle.

“If you want to keep being a coward,” he starts, “go ahead. But I wont be here to watch you make a mess of yourself. I wont.” He stands and leaves before I can bring myself to retort.

“Yeah, leave. Everyone ends up leaving me anyway.” I utter bitterly.

I take a drag of my vape. I know Im being delusional, but I glance down at my phone again, willing it to light up with a message from Gianna. But there is nothing.

I feel like Im suffocating, like I can’t breathe.

I think of all the good times we shared before it ended. All the warmth, all the laughter. And now it seems like it’s all slipping away, like sand through my fingers.

Im about to order another drink when a hand lands on my shoulder, halting me. I glance up to see Nala standing beside me, her expression unreadable.

“My god!” she exclaims. “When Luke called me, I didnt know it was this bad.”

“Why are you here?” I hope its not a figment of my imagination that shes here like Ive been imagining Gianna. Im not entirely sure how many drinks Ive had. But its definitely not enough to make me forget where I am and why Im here.

“To stop you from ruining yourself.” She grabs the bottle of my half-finished brandy from my hand and places it far away from me.

“Arent you mad at me?” Its surprising that shes here. Since the day she learned about Gianna and me, she has distanced herself from me.

“I cant be mad to the point that I will sit back and watch my brother destroy himself.” She snatches the vape from my hand and throws it across the room.

It makes me remember the time Gianna did the same, too. The memory brings a smile to my face.

“Havent I told you to stop smoking?” she chides.

I groan, feeling the signs of a growing headache. “Will you quit nagging me?”

“Im only going to stop complaining when you man up. Do you think drinking away your problems is going to solve the mess you created? Well, Im sorry to burst your bubble, but it wont. You will just wake up feeling worse tomorrow.” She gives me a sympathetic look.

“So, what do you suggest I do? Since you seem to know it all.”

“Man up,” she states like it’s obvious.

“You do realize who you are talking to?” I’m not quite sure what she’s getting at.

“Yes, thats why Im telling you the truth.” I roll my eyes, but she continues. “I was more worried about Gianna getting hurt when I found out about the two of you. I never thought I would see you hurt over this.”

I straighten up. “Why were you more worried about her?”

She palms her forehead and shakes her head. “You two fit each other so well. You both cant see what everyone sees.” When she saw the still confused look on my face, she sighed. “You love her, dont you?”

My heart stills, “What are you?—”

“You fell in love with her.” She says it like it’s obvious.

Love.

Her words ring in my mind as I try to comprehend it.

It was an emotion I had never given much thought to. An emotion I locked my heart away from.

In the beginning, I thought she was disposable. But she soon became a place where I ran to whenever I wanted to feel accepted, alive, and, I guess, loved.

But somewhere along the way, I stumbled and fell. Falling for the girl who loved me even before I knew what love was had brought my cold heart so much warmth.

I can no longer avoid the bidding of my heart.

Im in love with Gianna.

With shaking fingers, theres a mixture of warmth and pain rising in my chest.

“Fuck,” I bury my face in my hands, feeling the weight of the revelation settle.

Nala sits beside me and rubs my back in a soothing manner. “Its okay.”

I snap my head up. “Its not okay. How could I have not known?”

She smiles. “We both know you suck when it comes to dealing with your emotions.”

“Shit,” I stand up, feeling fuzzy and a little unsteady at the sudden action. I start to pace the room.

“She thinks I dont care about her,” I say. “She thinks all this is just a simple fling to me.”

Nala nods. “Rightfully so. You havent proven to her that you are capable of or interested in anything else.”

I run my hands through my hair in frustration. “How could I when I didnt know?”

She grabs my right hand, halting me, and places hers on it. “Now you know. Its not too late. You just have to tell her.”

“So she can slam the door in my face? I doubt she even feels the same.”

“She does,” my sister says without hesitation.

“What?”

“She always has. I dont think she ever stopped loving you. Why do you think I was so mad at you? I thought you were just stringing her along.”

Theres guilt digging into my chest as I take in her words.

She has always loved me?

“Im sure she ended things because she couldnt take the man she loves only seeing her as an instrument for pleasure,” she adds.

Theres now a mixture of happiness and pain in my chest. Happiness knowing she had loved me so much, and pain because I had repaid that love by brutally hurting her not once, not twice, but countless times.

“I hurt her,” I whisper, “And I don’t know how to fix it. I wish I could turn back time and undo everything. I should never have made that proposition. I should have asked her out not to make her feel disposable. I never meant to hurt her like this.”

I clench my fists, my heart aching with the weight of my mistakes. “I have to tell her,” I say in determination. “I have to make things right with her. Even if she doesnt want me anymore. I owe her that.”

With a sense of urgency, I make for the door, only for a worried Nala to immediately block my way.

“Why are you stopping me? I have to tell her I love her. That Im sorry it took so long for me to realize it.”

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror? You look a mess. You are drunk and wasted. Is this how you want to confess to her? Do you think she will take you seriously like this?”

Shes right. Gianna doesnt deserve a confession like this.

Nala places her hand on my shoulder. “Trust me, even if shes hurt right now, she will come around if you’re honest with her about your feelings and show her how much you care.”

A glimmer of hope starts to grow inside me, pushing back against the guilt and self-doubt that has consumed me.

Its time to man up and let love lead.