Chapter 8

I freaked. I freaked and I ran and I texted Summer in my moment of blind panic because I was too breathless from all the running to speak to her on the phone like a normal person would.

Then again, a normal person wouldn’t have bolted halfway across campus, barefoot because…because…

Why did I run?

Because he called you little dot and you liked it.

I tell myself to shut the fuck up. I swear, life was easier when it wasn’t just my own voice I was hearing in my head. I don’t like what this bitch has to say ninety percent of the time anyway.

Frowning, I consider – not for the first time – why some parts of my memory are gone while others remain. I know I heard voices in my head before the meds, but it took me a while to remember things like my favourite song or colour. It’s so odd. So selective. But thinking about it too hard just brings on migraines so I force myself to quit.

I wince as I push through the doors to the old library and consider the dirty footprints I must be leaving behind after my trek across campus. I hate things being untidy or disorderly, or even worse, noisy or dirty. It’s why I love the library so much. Peace, solace, organisation, and the unwavering certainty that the Dewey Decimal System just makes sense. It’s sacrilege not to use it. Thankfully, the amazing librarians here – surprisingly not frumpy, cat loving, octogenarians – agree with me. To hell with the Library of Congress classification system. Bleurgh.

“Are you okay, Malia?” Korina, my favourite librarian, asks as she takes in my heaving chest and bare feet. I have to resist the urge to try and hide them from her, embarrassed and ashamed that I might be making a mess of the floor.

“Erm, yes. I just need…a, um, book.”

“Well you’re in the right place. I’d ask if you need any help but you probably know these stacks better than me, so just shout if you need me.”

“I would never shout in a library,” I reply, my eyes wide at the suggestion.

Korina laughs and turns back to the trolley of returns she’s scanning and stacking.

I dive between the bookshelves and race for the work pods at the back. What’s the difference between a bookshelf and a bookcase? I need to hide until Summer reaches me.

While I wait for Summer to show, I can’t help but think back over the events of this morning. Why did I run? I’m barefoot and in my pyjamas for goodness sake! It was only a matter of time before the shit hit the fan with me today. I know this, I do, but Bhodi was just so…so…overwhelming.

First, there’s his size. He’s crazy big, tall, wide…whatever you want to call it. He’s built. He has muscles for days – I finally understand what that means now and I can relate when novels talk about heroines getting hot flushes at the sight of a thick veiny arm or a rippling shoulder.

Then there’s the ink. He’s covered in tattoos. From his jaw down, every inch of him is intricately etched in black. Terrifying. Yet…intriguing. I want to read his skin like an open book.

And there’s his expression: closed off and scowling, menacing almost, unless he’s…flirting maybe? I’m not sure of the signs, but he sure does have a nice smile when he uses it. I’m pretty sure he could get anyone to do anything with that damn smile. I sure as hell found him hard to resist. If I had, I wouldn’t be in this predicament right now.

Finally, although I’m sure if I got to know him better I’d find many more virtues, there’s the way he went into overprotective mode when that guy jostled me. I liked it. A lot. No one has ever stood up for me like that before. And although I didn’t need him to, it was nice that he seemed to want to. Why though?

So, yeah, all in all, with all of that added together in a short space of time and coupled with being out of my bedroom in no clothes or shoes, I can logically deduce that running away was…an acceptable reaction. I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise.

I wrap my arms around myself and retreat further into Bhodi’s hoodie. Why do I feel so safe in it? It smells like him, which I thought would be gross, but it’s really not. It has a fresh scent, something that’s citrus, but is more of a cologne than a laundry smell. You have to be careful with citrus I always think. There’s a fine line between refreshing and smelling like cleaning products.

Bergamot! That’s it!

After a few deep breaths my heart rate begins to return to normal, and I slip my phone from my pocket. I have a message from Cove and it has me smiling before I even open it.

Cove: Good morning gorgeous! How did you sleep? I’m craving a quadruple choc muffin from the campus cafe. Can I get you one? I can drop it off at your room between classes. I’ll drop and dash – no need to answer the door.

He’s the total opposite of Bhodi, really. Cove is so laid back and not at all pushy. Bhodi wasn’t going to leave me alone this morning until he got his own way – both in me tutoring him and getting me to go to class.

How can I like them both when they’re so different?

I quickly type back a reply.

Malia: I think you mean triple choc! And yes please. Sounds delicious.

His response is instant and my grin widens.

Cove: Oooh you don’t know about the fourth chocolate? Allow me to educate you.

A second later my phone vibrates again and a picture message comes through. A giant chocolate muffin fills the screen with four colours of chocolate chunks clearly visible.

Malia: Is that pink??? Surely it’s just pink flavoured white chocolate?

Cove: What does pink taste like?

Malia: I don’t know. Strawberry? Raspberry? Maybe candy floss.

Cove: You mean cotton candy.

Malia: Whatever. Well, is it?

Cove: Nope! I’m afraid you’re wrong, pretty girl. It’s Ruby chocolate.

Malia: Ruby?!

Cove: Wait until you try it. Gotta go. My turn in line’s next. Text me when you’ve tried it. In fact, call me before you take the first bite. I want to hear you enjoy it.

He signs off that last message with a winking emoji that makes my cheeks heat.

Yeah, no, I won’t be doing that.

“You don’t look distressed.”

I drop my phone with a squeak of surprise, which makes Summer laugh, even as she’s frowning at me with her hands on her hips.

“What’s up, MT? What are you wearing? And what are you doing…here?”

“You want to say, what am I doing out of my room, don’t you?”

“No. I’m just…surprised.”

“Me too.”

“Are you okay?”

“I am now. I, erm, went to class…”

“That’s amazing! Well done! I’m so proud of y—”

“But it all got a bit too much,” I cut in. “So I came here and messaged you.”

Pity shoots through her gaze before she schools it and smiles at me. “It’s still progress, Malia.”

“I know.”

“So what do you want to do now? We could go and get a coffee if you wanted?”

I pull a face. No way. Going to class is a necessary evil. The library is a haven, of sorts. Socialising? Not on my radar.

“Thanks, but if you don’t mind, I’d just like to go to my room. Take baby steps, you know?”

She nods frantically.

“Only, I’m locked out. I didn’t grab my keys this morning. I sort of…didn’t think things through.”

I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to mention Bhodi to Summer, but there it is.

“I have my key, don’t worry. How about I come back to your room with you and let you in.” It’s not really a question, I know that’s what we’re going to do.

“Thanks. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apol—oh! Why aren’t you wearing any shoes?”

“I was in a rush?”

Summer looks at me strangely and I give her a rueful shrug. Thankfully, she lets it slide.

“Come on then. You’re overdue for your medication.”

As soon as Summer says that, it’s like a switch has been flicked. My calm dissipates and my skin becomes engulfed by flames. The walls of the library, my safe haven, shrink and close in on me, and my breath comes in snatches.

“Hey, MT, it’s okay. Breathe. Breathe. I’ll get you home. Come on.” She loops her arm through mine and tugs me along.

Outside, it gets worse. Lessons have finished and the quad is heaving. There’s people everywhere, and it feels like we’re fighting against the tide to try and head back to the girl’s dorms. Summer does a valiant job of shielding me from it all, but I long to be back in Bhodi’s arms and carried through the chaos instead.

Internally, I retreat into that safe space.

“Here. Made it. Gosh, that seemed busier than normal, didn’t it? MT? Malia? MALIA!”

I blink and I’m surprised to find myself standing in my bedroom.

“Huh?”

“You have a delivery.” Summer nods to the small white box with a blue bow that she’s holding. When I don’t move to take it from her she huffs, her patience wearing thin, and thrusts it into my hands. “You open that while I sort your meds.”

I look down at the box and admire the teal bow. It kind of matches my hair. I undo the bow and open the top of the box. Nestled inside on a bed of white tissue paper is a muffin. The muffin, I should say.

A slow grin stretches across my face and Summer spits it straight away.

“What’s got you smiling?”

“Nothing.”

“What’s in the box then?”

“Just a cake.”

“The campus coffee shop delivers now, does it?” she asks, suspicious. I shrug and she huffs even louder than she did before. Summer is exasperated with me. I understand her huffs and mumbles like a second language. I don’t mind Summer being mad at me because her moods are never accompanied by pain. Now, if either of my parents had ever made that sound…

“Fine. Don’t tell me. I have to get to class so I’ve left your tablets on the side. Take them. I’ll be back tonight to give you the others. Get some studying done and wash your damn feet.”

She flounces out of the room without a backward glance, slamming the door shut behind her. But she’ll calm down. She always does.

My phone vibrates and I pull it out.

Cove is calling me.

“Hello?” I can hear the smile in my own voice as I put him on speaker and put the phone on my bedside table.

“Did you get it?”

“I did. Thank you. My friend almost stepped on it, but it survived.” I climb onto my bed and sit cross-legged to talk to him.

“Good. If she’d crushed it, I would have had to bring mine over because I purchased the last two in the shop.”

“You’d do that for me?” I ask, tempted to tell him the cake got crushed, just so I can see him again.

“I would…”

“But?” I prompt. I can’t stop smiling. Is this flirting? Am I flirting? Why is my pulse fluttering?

Maybe I should take my meds.

I eye them sitting next to my phone and…I just don’t want to. All of the anxiety from before has gone. I’d rather talk to Cove, and my meds make me sleepy…numb.

Waiting a while won’t hurt.

“I’d insist on watching you eat it.”

I laugh. “I’ll save you that visual. It wouldn’t be pretty. It smells so good I want to inhale it, Cove.”

Holy shit did I just use a metaphor? Like honest to god said it out loud? What is this boy doing to me?

His breathing catches and I worry I’ve said something wrong but then he chuckles. I relax.

“Go ahead, pretty girl. Enjoy it.”

But instead of diving in, I stall, wanting to talk to him a while longer. My cheeks feel warm at his compliment. It’s not the first time he’s called me pretty. He must really think I am.

“So this really is pink chocolate? Not coloured?”

“Have you been living under a rock? Ruby cocoa is all the rage. It’s natural, but it has this amazing berry flavour with a tart aftertaste. I think you’ll like it.”

“Berry? So it’ll taste pink then?”

“Absolutely.” He chuckles again, and I think it might be my new favourite sound.

Carefully, I pick one of the pink chunks from the top of the muffin and pop it into my mouth. It’s good. Creamy, sweet, with a hint of sharpness and a definite berry flavour.

“Do you like it?”

“It’s good.”

“Pink?”

“Very.”

“Taste it all together now, go on.”

I do, and a groan escapes me. “Oh wow. How did I not know about this?”

“Right?” Cove laughs. I almost wish we were on video chat so that I could see his smile.

“So, so good. Can I get one of these every day?”

“They only make them once a week, but I’d be happy to deliver next time. Maybe in exchange for another date?” He sounds hopeful, but not pushy. Metaphorical bonus points to him for that one.

I almost snort out loud before controlling myself and realising he’s waiting for my reply.

“Sure.”

“Great!” I feel like I can hear him beaming down the line. I feel the same. “Is tomorrow okay? I’ll arrange it all, you just need to answer your phone.”

I love how he’s not asking me to go out, already planning another staying in, together but separate date for me.

“I can do that. I umm, have to go.”

“You want to inhale the rest of that muffin don’t you?”

I laugh. “No, I have to study.”

“Sure you do,” he teases. “Remember to chew. I don’t like the thought of you choking on your own over there.”

“If I do, I’ll send you an SOS message. I’m sure you’ll get here faster than any ambulance.”

“Ooooh, the opportunity to give you mouth to mouth is appealing. But I think I’d rather wait for our first kiss. Well, our new first kiss.”

My heart races at his words – he wants to kiss me! Again? – and we say our goodbyes. I hang up and glance at the tablets once more.

I think I’ll just enjoy my cake first.