Chapter 9

“Hi Malia, how are you today?” My therapist’s face is reassuring and encouraging on my laptop screen.

More like handsome and gorgeous.

I might have a harmless little crush on him, which is insane because he’s my therapist and I’m already crushing on two other guys.

Two? More like three!

Nope, not going there.

“Erm, okay. I guess. I think. I went out today.”

“You did? Why don’t you tell me about that?”

God, his voice makes everything inside me simultaneously clench and want to release. I’ve always been pretty close-lipped with my therapists in the past, but something about Dr. Jones just makes me want to spill all my secrets. And it’s not just his pretty face.

I take a deep breath and look into his bright green eyes for reassurance. He stares back with infinite patience and understanding, even as my heart rate doubles.

“This morning a guy knocked on my door and asked me to tutor him. I didn’t want to because I don’t think I’m in a fit state to tutor anyone but he was pretty persistent and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“I see. Did you try any of the assertion strategies we spoke about last time?”

“I did. I think. But, I don’t know…maybe I didn’t really want to say no to him? I like helping people and he seemed nice. But it was almost automatic to say no when he asked.”

“Because you’re used to pushing people away?”

“Maybe. But it was like the word was out of my mouth before my brain even heard the question and then I didn’t know how to take it back. That sounds crazy, right?”

“I’ve told you before, ‘crazy’ is not a term I like to apply to any situation, feeling or—”

“Emotion. I know. I remember. But it is weird.”

“Weird is also relative. Let’s not digress. What happened next?”

“I agreed to tutor him and he tried to get me to go to class with him. When I said no, he pulled me into the corridor and the door slammed shut. Maintenance weren’t on shift to let me in so he carried me to class.”

“Carried you?”

“Yeah. And he gave me his hoodie to wear.”

“How did it make you feel?”

“It was…okay I guess. I didn’t mind it as much as I thought I would. His hoodie was pretty big and gave me comfort. It smelled nice. And when he touched me, I felt calm.”

“He touched you?”

“He put his arm on my leg in class. It felt nice.”

“I see. And this boy’s a stranger, yes?”

“Yeah.”

“But you didn’t mind him touching you?”

“No.”

“Well that sounds like excellent progress, Malia.”

“I guess it was, until I freaked out.”

“Tell me about that.”

I launch into the story of the stranger who bumped into me and Bhodi’s overreaction to the whole thing, answering the doctor’s questions as I go. I tell him about seeking refuge in the library and why I liked it there, Summer’s intervention and the tablets that I still need to take.

Was it weird that the stranger freaked me out and Bhodi’s touch didn’t? Yes. Can I explain why? No.

The doctor listens, never offering his thoughts, only his ever-patient attention until I run out of things to talk about. Today’s session has left me feeling more drained than usual, and I already have lots more questions scribbled down in my notebook to contemplate this week.

“Okay, our time is nearly up here. Are you ready for this week’s assignment?”

“Yes.”

“It was going to be to go to a place on campus that you feel safe, outside of your room, but it seems like you’re ahead of me. So this week I want you to listen to a playlist I’ve put together for you and keep a journal of your reactions and thoughts of the music. How does that sound?”

“Manageable. It’s nice listening to music again.”

“Well maybe once you’ve listened to my playlist, you can share yours with me.”

You’ll have to share yours with me sometime.

I blink.

“Malia? Are you okay?”

“Yes. Sorry. I just had a…memory of something I guess.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Someone said something similar to me once. And I remember thinking they had just asked me to bare my soul to them.”

“What do you think that means?”

“I guess it means that, once upon a time at least, music meant a lot to me.”

“Music is an excellent way of exploring and expressing emotions, as you’ll see with this week’s assignment. I look forward to you baring your soul to me,” he says with a gentle smile that lets me know he’s joking.

“Thank you, Doctor. I’ll see you next week.”

“I look forward to it, Malia. But if you need me before then, I’m only ever an email away.”

“Thank you.”

We say our goodbyes and I close down my laptop, feeling tired. I’ll just lie down for a minute, I think as my eyes flutter closed.

* * *

Summer goes mental when she turns up to give me my nighttime medication and finds out I hadn’t taken the daytime pills she left for me. I forgot. And honestly, I felt fine without them. I feel fine now, apart from being woken up from an intriguing dream of flashes of dark hair and bottle green eyes.

But Summer is in a spin over the whole thing. I was all for just missing the day meds and taking my night ones, but Summer is worried about adverse effects so she’s called her parents to find out what to do with me.

Personally, I feel she’s being a bit dramatic, but her parents want me to go back to the hospital just to be safe.

Which is why I’m sat on the ferry to the mainland at stupid o’clock at night, currently in a bit of a strop with my bestie.

Better today than tomorrow. I don’t want to miss my date with Cove.

“Don’t be mad, MT. They just want what’s best for you.’’

“Who’s ‘they’?”

“Everyone. My parents, the doctors, your therapist. Me.” I don’t bother to answer. Summer sighs but I can tell her earlier anger at me has dissipated and she’s feeling guilty. “Let me take your mind off things.”

“How?”

“I can tell you about my latest date.”

“Fine.”

I suppress a sigh as she instantly perks up and launches into giving me an elaborate blow-by-blow of getting ready for the date, including her fifteen possible outfit choices, her last minute change of plan which meant her makeup needed redoing, and how she was almost late because the shuttle into the bay was delayed.

Personally, I feel like her run down of the date could be a simple ‘we went to the cinema’ but nothing is ever simple with Summer.

I tune back in, and Summer is describing how fine the guys looked and what they had also chosen to wear and somehow I’ve managed to miss their names again.

“Do you like, ever have individual dates with them?” I ask, surprising both of us with my sudden, unexpected interest.

“Of course. We hang out all the time and do things as a couple, but I love being all together. It just feels right.”

“So when you’re with one of them do you feel like something is missing?”

“No. Never.”

“So why not just pick one?”

“It doesn’t work like that. I can’t just switch off my feelings for the others by picking one.”

“I don’t know how you have it in you to date five guys. I don’t even like five people, period. Let alone want to have sex with them.”

Summer laughs. “Want me to tell you how the sex works?”

“No!” My cheeks heat, and Summer laughs again, looping her arm through mine. I guess all’s forgiven now then.

“They’re really great guys, MT. I can’t wait for you to meet them. At first I thought it was just a stupid game they were playing, like a dare or a bet or something. But then…well, with everything that’s happened…”

“You mean me being crazy and having a breakdown,” I reply flatly.

“No. And you are not crazy, you just drive me crazy.” She smiles at me. “The guys were just really there for me while you were in hospital. They showed me that they care. That whatever this is, it’s more serious than I thought. They’ve been patient and supportive ever since you came back, and…I really do care for them, Malia. All of them. It would break my heart if they asked me to choose between them.”

“Have you told them that?”

“No.”

“You probably should.”

“I know.” She sighs and then knocks her shoulder into mine. “When did you get so wise as to be giving me relationship advice?”

“Eh, don’t listen to a thing I say. I’m crazy. The doctors have said so.”

Thankfully, Summer sees the funny side of my attempt at a joke and lets it slide that I used the C-word again. We still have a while before the ferry docks and we can disembark, so Summer regales me with more dating stories, thankfully keeping the sex talk to a minimum.

It’s not like I’m a virgin. I had sex one time. Sort of. Just thinking about it makes me want to shower and scrub my skin until it bleeds. Why anyone would willingly engage in that is beyond me. My therapist at the time, Shara, tried to make me realise that consent is a big thing, and that when the time comes and I give my consent, I’ll feel differently about the whole thing, but I just didn’t believe her. Still don’t, but I had to at least pretend to agree with her so that our sessions would stop. What child really understands what consent is anyway?

Once my parents found out the advice she was giving me, they had her struck off. I wonder what she does now.

“Are you listening, Malia?”

“Mmm-hmm,” I lie.

I’m not listening. I have that horrible feeling of being watched but when I look over my shoulder, I don’t see anyone.

Doesn’t mean that no-one’s there though.

“…and then he did this thing with his tongue in the shower and I—”

I get up and walk to the edge of the railing, peering out at the approaching mainland in the dark. The twinkling reflection of the lights on the water make it look so pretty, but in my periphery I’m scanning for whoever’s watching me.

“Malia?” Summer’s hand on the small of my back makes me jump. “Whoa. You’re jumpy. What’s wrong?”

Shouldn’t I be freaking out about the open water and all the space around me? Isn’t this boat my worst nightmare? Why am I only unnerved by the person watching me and not by all this open space with no escape?

“I think we’re being followed,” I tell Summer in a low whisper, swallowing past the nervous lump in my throat.

“Malia, that’s ridiculous. We’re on a boat to the mainland. We’re going to the same place as everyone else.” That may be true, but I feel eyes on me. We’re being watched. I know it. “Come sit down. Missing those meds has you all out of whack and paranoid. It’s a good thing we’re going to the hos—”

“Shh!” I urge, slamming my hand over Summer’s mouth to stop her from announcing our destination to whoever’s listening. We’ll see. When we dock and get off this boat, we’ll see if I’m paranoid and imagining things if this feeling doesn’t go away.

I’ve got you now.

“Who said that? Did you hear that?” I whip around trying to locate the source of the creepy, raspy voice I just heard.

“No one said anything, MT. Chill out. We’re almost there. A few more minutes.”

We fall into silence but I’m more alert now, scanning every passenger and trying to catch them looking at me. When we disembark, I’m so busy looking over my shoulder and staring into the shadows that Summer has to pull me through the streets. I’m not paying any attention to where I’m going, all my focus is on the predator lurking in the darkness.

You can run but you can’t hide.

“W-what?” I stumble to a halt and Summer shakes her head at me.

“I didn’t say anything. But we do need to hurry before the late shift ends.”

Need to taste. Want to kill. Rip. Tear. Scream.

“Malia? Come on.”

I let Summer tug me away from the darkened entryway I’m staring down. I could have sworn I heard something. It’s so strange.

“Here. Glad we made it.”

You won’t get away. I’ll bathe in your screams and your blood before the moon is full again.

Summer buzzes us into the clinic and although I reluctantly follow her, my focus is still very much outside. At least the voices seem to have stopped in here.

The doctors greet Summer and she has a hurried, hushed conversation with them. The whole team appear to have come to meet me, which is odd. I only missed a few pills for goodness’ sake! I don’t need a welcome committee for a slap on the wrist, a lecture about being a good little patient and a shot to send me on my merry way.

Summer comes back over to me and gives me a pitiful look. Why?

“Here’s her things. She has her phone on her.”

“Summer, what’s going on?” I whirl around and stare at my best friend. Supposed best friend. She’s set me up.

“I’m really sorry, Malia. But if I told you, you wouldn’t have come and it would have made everything a lot more difficult. I’m sorry. But we all really do want what’s best for you.”

She gives me a sad smile and hands over the small bag she’s been carrying. It’s obviously packed with the things needed for my stay. Why didn’t I realise it sooner? I should have paid more attention.

“I’m not staying! I thought we were just here for a quick checkup. This is ridiculous! So what if I forgot a couple of pills?!” My anger rises and the lights flicker distractingly above my head. I glance up in annoyance and the staff take advantage of my attention being elsewhere to pounce.

A sharp scratch to the neck has me snarling at Summer, “I hope you get an STI and all five of your guys’ dicks fall off!” before everything goes fuzzy and dark.

“I’m really sorry, MT,” Summer cries, sounding truly anguished. Good. She should be sorry. I didn’t want this. I didn’t ask for this. Who knows how long they’ll keep me here this time? A quick checkup my ass.

My last thought before my heavy eyelids close is that I won’t make that date with Cove after all. And I didn’t even get a chance to tell him.