Chapter 13

Summer lets herself in now. After knocking on my door constantly and me resolutely ignoring her, she realised she was going to have to take matters into her own hands if she wanted me to take my meds. I regret giving her a key, but I feel like she would find a way to get one again anyway if I did change the locks. And I just can’t be bothered.

The only words we’ve exchanged have been about this. Me insisting she can leave the drugs with me and I can take care of myself, Summer protesting that since the prescription is now in her name, she has to administer them herself. She watches me like a damn hawk, inspecting my tonsils each time for proof that I’ve swallowed.

I mean sure, she’s tried apologising a handful of times each visit, but my stony silence on the matter is wearing her down. She barely bothers now.

She looks miserable to be sure, but then again, so do I. If I’m not texting Cove or Bhodi, I don’t feel joy.

I could almost be persuaded to soften towards Summer if it weren’t for her occasional “I’m sorry but it was for your own good” bullshit she still attempts sporadically. Apologies should never contain a but or an if.

Not that I’m used to being apologised to, I’m usually the one having to say I’m sorry all the time. The first time I said “I’m sorry if…” I never got to finish the sentence because my dad backhanded me so hard I passed out.

It’s been a week since I came out of the hospital and I’m going stir crazy despite daily therapy sessions. Thankfully, just the talking kind. The highlight of my days has been speaking to Cove, not my therapist – though talking to him hasn’t been all that bad either.

“What are you thinking, Malia?”

“Hmm?”

“I think you left me for a second there,” Dr. Jones chuckles gently.

I glance at the computer screen and sigh.

No matter how much I try to deny it, there’s no escaping the fact that I have a crush on my therapist. He’s absolutely gorgeous, undeniably. But it’s more than that. He gets me. Or at least, he accepts me for who I am. He gets to see the ugly sides of me that I hide from Cove and Bhodi, even Summer. And he’s not repulsed by them. If anything, he encourages me to embrace those parts of myself too, to see myself as a whole person with flaws, rather than a fractured being. I break off the parts of me that are anything less than perfect, and there’s not a lot of ‘me’ left now.

He’s trying to make me see how unhealthy my obsessions with perfection and control are, but I refuse to talk about the root cause of my problems.

And yet, he doesn’t give up on me. Maybe it’s crazy, but it feels like he’s truly invested in helping me. In helping me to help myself. Maybe it’s normal behaviour for a therapist, but I’ve never had one like him before. It’s no wonder I have a crush on him.

And although I keep telling myself that nothing could ever happen, my brain isn’t listening and I’m not getting over it.

Seeing him every day this week and hearing the genuine concern in his voice is not helping matters either. I feel like my brain and my attention is constantly being pulled in three different directions: Cove, Bhodi and the doctor.

It’s ridiculous.

I’mridiculous.

“Sorry, Doctor.”

“You never have to apologise for being lost in your thoughts, Malia.”

“I know.” I sigh again. I really suck at this.

“What would you like to talk about?”

“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. I’m not evasive, my head’s all over the place.

“Do you want to talk about Summer?”

“No.”

“What about your parents?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Shall we discuss your latest stay in hospital?”

The colour drains from my face and I visibly shake.

“Okay, I’ll take that as a no too then. What about the music? Have you had a chance to listen to any of the songs I sent you yet?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, which one?”

“All of them.”

“There was over twelve hours’ worth of listening in there,” he says, sounding…shocked? Impressed, maybe?

“But you said it was homework.”

“Yes. Back when we were having weekly sessions. Not daily. Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Not really.”

“I guess that explains the distraction today then. So, did any of the music resonate with you?”

“Yeah.”

“Which songs?”

“I liked Boxes and Outnumbered.”

“Why?”

“The lyrics resonated.” I shrug.

“I see. Well we can discuss that more with tomorrow’s session as our time is up today.”

“Already?”

“You were distracted for a while,” he says with a soft smile. “But before we sign off, there’s one last thing to cover.”

My heart sinks. I have to give him something. Something personal. A piece of me, my soul.

My gut clenches. I can’t lie. How I wish I could fob him off with some glib, blasé track like ‘Barbie Girl’. But no, I can’t allow myself to do it.

“Have you chosen a song for me?”

I nod. “It’s called ‘Breathe’. By Power-Haus and some other artists I don’t remember the name of.”

“It’s okay. I’ll find it.”

“Okay. I have another, if that’s okay?” Damn. Maybe I should have pretended I didn’t know any of the artists. There must be a thousand songs out there called breathe. He’d never find the right one, and it wouldn’t have been my fault.

“Of course. You can send me an entire library of songs if it helps. What’s your second song?”

“It’s by Ruelle. I relate to a lot of her songs actually, but ‘Closing In’.”

“Breathe and Closing In. I got it. And how do you feel about giving me this song, Malia?”

“Terrified. Vulnerable.”

“Those are valid feelings. What are you scared of?”

“Being seen.”

“I already see you, Malia.”

I gulp.

“We’ll discuss this more tomorrow, okay? Same time?”

“Can we do later?” I whisper.

“Of course. Any reason why?”

“I’m going back to class.”

“That’s excellent news. We will have much to cover then. Take care, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Goodbye, Malia.”

“Bye, Doctor.”

He cuts the video feed and my screen goes blank but a moment later my phone lights up with a message from Cove.

It’s a link to a song: ‘Wings’ by someone called Birdy. I don’t know it, so I press play and lose myself in the lyrics and thinking about the boy who sent it, who’s never far from my mind.

Cove makes me laugh, he distracts me when I’m down, asks me about myself, tells me about his studies, his surfing, the antics of the guys on his course. He’s a great friend, and yet I find myself wanting more.

He hasn’t come by my dorm since the night I got back, and although I see him on video chats, I find myself missing his face. I certainly miss his kisses.

And as if sensing that I’m thinking about him, he calls.

“Hey,” I say, a grin stretching wide when I answer the video call.

“Mai-Tai! Looking good today, pretty girl.” My cheeks tint pink and he chuckles. “I wanted to show you the beach today. What do you think?”

“Sounds good.”

Cove’s calls always go like this. He wants to show me his favourite places, or watch a film, play a game, cook and eat together. It’s been the most fun I’ve ever had without going out. Three times a day for a week we’ve video called, and texted non-stop in between.

“Are you up for something a little more adventurous?” I glance nervously at my bedroom door and Cove quickly clarifies. “From the comfort of your own room of course.”

“Of course,” I parrot back, shaking my head at Cove’s ability to normalise how abnormal this whole situation is. Never once has he made me feel weird or crazy for doing what we do.

“In that case, sign me up. The crazier the better.”

“I hoped you’d say that! I’m taking you surfing today.”

Excitement bubbles up, and I laugh. I don’t know how he plans to pull this one off, but I’m keen to see him try.

“You’ve not paid someone to come squirt me with a hose every time you wipe out, have you?”

“Damn! Wish I’d thought of that, give me a minute.”

“Don’t you dare.” My cheeks already hurt from smiling so much as I wipe away a tear.

Last night’s cook together date was brilliant. He had all the ingredients delivered to my door and somehow wrangled it so that I had the dorm kitchen to myself while we cooked together over video chat and then we ate together once I was back in my room. We finished the night playing twenty questions and watching another episode of Stranger Things. My dinner came out a lot better than his because he was too busy being silly, trying to make me laugh. Don’t ask me how you burn gnocchi, but he did. Still, it was a valiant effort, even if he did need to order a pizza later.

“So how are we doing this?” I ask.

“Well, you’re fine as you are but if you wanted to slip into something a little more beach appropriate, I wouldn’t say no.”

“Get lost.” I laugh, though I’m secretly thrilled that he wants to see me in a bikini. No one has ever liked me in that way before. I’ve never felt desired before.

“Right, now this is going to sound totally weird, but can you grab your surfboard and put it in your bed so that the fins overhang the edge.”

“Erm, you want me to grab B?”

“You named your board?” He beams at me. “About damn time.”

“Have we already spoken about this?” I frown, trying to recall.

“Before.”

It’s all he needs to say. The more we talk, the more Cove likes to drop in little mentions of ‘before’ – before I had a breakdown, went away and forgot all about him.

“Oh.”

“What did you call her, B?”

“Yeah. It’s short for Betsy.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s what I named my board.”

“That’s weird. Did I know that?”

“Yeah. You thought I was crazy.”

“Well, something must have stuck because the name just came to me a couple of weeks back and I can’t change it now.”

“It’s okay. It suits her. Betsy is a good, strong, reliable board. She’ll see you right. Okay grab Betsy for me and get her in position.

I have to put the phone down to do as he says but once I’m done I pick it back up.

“Sorted.”

“Right, now sit on her like you would while waiting for a lull in the surf to pass.”

I straddle my board, feeling silly.

“Damn. That’s perfect,” Cove tells me, making me blush even harder than before. “I should have insisted on the bikini now… Right, bear with me while I get sorted. I gotta put you down for a minute so stay there.”

Cove puts the phone down, giving me a fabulous view of the bright blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day and there’s not a cloud to be seen.

I look out of my own window to admire the lovely weather for a moment but movement on the screen catches my attention. Where Cove’s put the phone down in the sand, I can see him standing over the phone, removing his top. Oh my.

He really is bronzed to perfection and gorgeous. The perfect quintessential surfer boy next door. My heart thunders as I try not to stare.

“Enjoying the view?” Busted!

“The weather looks lovely,” I squeak. Cove chuckles.

“Right, I’m ready, I just need to attach you to the harness and we’re good to go. I have to flip the camera round to do that, so sorry, no more abs for you, just the boring old ocean.”

Thankfully, I’m saved from having to hide my embarrassment as the view switches from Cove’s bright blue teasing eyes to the bright blue tantalising ocean. I miss it.

Some awkward fumbling and a close up of Cove’s palm, and then we’re away. My view is unobstructed and Cove is running towards the sea with his board – Betsy – under his arm.

He hits the water and climbs onto his board, paddling out and ducking under the larger waves when he comes to them. Without thinking, I switch from straddling my board to lying on and subconsciously mirroring his stance.

The sound of the ocean fills my room and if I close my eyes, I swear the scents do too.

“You good, Mai-Tai?” Cove’s voice comes down the line, bringing me back to reality.

“Yeah. I’m good.”

“Sorry about that bit, I know it’s noisy.”

“No. It’s great. I love the sound of the sea. I’ve missed it so much.”

The honesty in my words makes me do a double take. I thought I hated the ocean?

“I can’t wait to take you to the beach again. It’s how I got you to agree to go out with me in the first place?”

Cove is straddling his board now, and the view shows me that we’re experiencing a lull before the next set of waves. Out here – I guess I should say out there, but it truly feels like I’m there with him – the water is calm and glassy, like a polished mirror.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I promised to show you the hidden surfing beaches that you can’t get to on foot.”

“And did you?”

“One or two, before.”

“Are there more?”

“So many more.”

“I’d like to see them with you sometime. For real.”

“I’d like that too. You ready? The set’s building and I think I’ve got a good one coming in.”

“What do I do?”

“Just hang on and enjoy the ride.”

Cove catches the wave, smoothly popping up onto his feet and adjusting the camera on his chest so that I have a forward-facing view of the ride, so I’m getting the exact same view as him, rather than the sideways on view I would get from the position of the chest harness. The beach races towards me at a rate of knots and the sensation of flying and freedom hits me just like it used to when I caught a real wave. Whoa. Where did that memory come from?

Eventually the ride slows and Cove effortlessly drops off into the shallows.

“How was that?”

“Amazing! Can we do it again?”

“As many times as you’d like, pretty girl.”

“You might regret saying that when I keep you out here until midnight.”

“Anything for you.”

I smile as he climbs back onto his board and repeats the paddling out process, and then we spend the next couple of hours surfing ‘together’. I get brave and pop up on my board when he does, hangin’ five to experience flight. Cove’s running commentary has me in stitches and between sets we talk about everything and nothing.

“Did you enjoy our date, Mai-Tai?” he asks me once he’s sitting on the beach and we’re watching the sunset together in a wash of vibrant warm tones.

“It was perfect. The only thing that could make the date better would be a goodnight kiss,” I tell Cove in a moment of bravery.

He smiles at me. “Our time will come, pretty girl.”

I believe him, I really do. I just want it to come a little sooner. When I tell him this he laughs and says it can be arranged, but then changes the topic to my returning to class.

“I guess it’s time,” I concede.

“Do you have anyone who can look out for you?”

“There’s this guy in my class, I guess he’s kind of a friend. But he doesn’t know about the…stuff.”

“I’m sure if you reached out to him about going back he’d be there for you.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Bhodi and I have texted a few times and he’s sent me assignments and things, but it’s nothing like what’s developing between me and Cove, even if my pulse does spike whenever his name also pops up on my phone. Which is crazy because I don’t even like people in general, let alone like like not only one, but two guys.

“I always expect the sun to sizzle,” Cove tells me as the sun sinks into the waves. The strangest sense of déjà vu hits me when I reply, “I always think I hear it.”

Have we been here before?

We sit in comfortable silence for a few more minutes, just listening to the sound of the waves. Now the sun is down, night is falling fast and the stars seem to be winking to life one by one until I blink and suddenly the whole night sky seems to be awash with delicately twinkling light.

“I guess if you’re going to go back to class tomorrow I should let you get an early night,”

Reluctantly, I agree and we say our goodbyes and hang up. I take a minute to text Bhodi that I’m feeling better and coming back to class tomorrow. His response is instant.

Bhodi: I’ll come get you in the morning and walk you to class.

It makes me feel much calmer about the whole thing.

I carefully place Betsy back on her wall mount and restring the fairy lights across her. I plug them in, switch them on and close the curtains, making the room feel cozy and safe.

Earlier today I was feeling stir crazy stuck in my room, and now I feel like I’ve had a wonderful evening out at the beach. I’m tired, but it’s a nice sort of tired.

I slip into my en suite bathroom and take a shower, just like I would if I had actually been to the beach. It’s silly and in no way makes sense, but it feels like part of the ritual.

I’m just getting out, wrapping myself into my robe and towel drying my hair, when there’s a knock at my door. It’s bound to be Summer so I ignore it, knowing she’ll let herself in shortly. Instead, I begin to comb out the tangles in my hair, whilst listening to the latest song Cove sent me. It’s ‘Home’, a song I love anyway, but a different version to the one I’m used to. I like it, and the lyrics make me smile, even though I’ve never had a place I can call home, or a person who felt like home.

When Summer doesn’t let herself in and there’s another, more persistent, knock at my door, I open it. Maybe she forgot her key. Hopefully she lost it.

“Good night, Mai-Tai,” Cove says with a soft smile, before leaning in to kiss me.