Chapter 12

Five days. Five excruciatingly long days filled with tablets and injections and ‘therapy’ – both the talking and the shock kind. My body is exhausted and my skin feels completely alien to me. I’m frazzled and frayed, unsure who I am anymore. It’s like my head is shrouded in fog.

Bone tired. Dead on my feet. If you have a metaphor for it, my short-circuited brain is feeling it, or it would be, if I were capable of feeling.

Is numb a feeling, an emotion, or a state of being? Because whatever it is, that’s all I am now.

Once they’re happy they’ve well and truly broken me – this illness festering inside of me – they let me go under strict orders, increased surveillance, daily therapy appointments and even higher dosages of medications.

Five days.

The only saving grace is that this time there’s no Summer to greet me. Good. My anger is almost gone, but so’s the trust. She is not my friend. She betrayed me, turned on me and dragged me here, then abandoned me to the wolves.

Fuck her.

She knew they were going to keep me in there. She packed a bag of my stuff. She knew. How could she? Why didn’t she at least give me a heads-up?

I don’t want to see her, but I know she’ll be there at my dorm when I get back, playing the role of caring best friend there to settle me back in, when really all she is is my jailer. I might not be able to avoid her, but I can cut her out of my life. What little life I’ll have between increased meds morning, noon and night.

I sit on the ferry and wait, holding my phone in hand, for a signal. All I can think about is texting Cove to apologise for going AWOL and missing our date. I was actually looking forward to it. I swear thoughts of him were the only thing that kept me sane while I was trapped in that hospital.

As soon as my phone connects to service, the messages start rolling in. There are several from Summer, which I ignore. She knows I didn’t have access to my phone in there so she’s just appeasing her own guilt by messaging me when she knows I won’t see it or be able to respond. I’m supposed to be ‘in a good place’ now, mentally speaking at least. Replying to Summer would likely undo that.

Instead I focus on the only other two people who have my number. Surprisingly there’s messages – plural – from Bhodi as well as Cove. I don’t know what has me clicking on the former’s name first, and reading through all the random crap he sent me. Links to videos, memes, silly little gifs and caustic remarks about our professor. I almost want to smile. I do want to message him back, but I have nothing witty to say, so I move on to Cove’s texts instead.

With each new message – and there’s a slew of them – I can feel his concern rising then giving way to panic, then anger, and finally acceptance. He thinks I don’t want to know him and that makes me feel…less numb?

Numb and sad at the same time maybe. When Summer broke up with her first boyfriend, I questioned her when she didn’t seem that upset. I remember her saying to me that when you’re devastated you put a brave face on or harden your heart. I didn’t know what she meant back then, but I guess I do now. Fuck. If I act like I don’t care that Cove has moved on, will it hurt less?

I should text him back. Apologise. But what would I say? I can’t explain…this. I can barely understand what’s going on myself. I’m a mess and the hospital have said I’m ‘one major incident’ away from being sectioned. Indefinitely this time. Basically, they think I’m crazy.

Mother would be so pleased.

Maybe it’s for the best that Cove has moved on. Maybe I should stay alone. Less people to hurt when the inevitable happens that way. Why break the habit of a lifetime, right?

Only, the thought of doing that makes it hard to breathe. Cove makes me feel. I don’t want to live in this numb, lonely little bubble. I want Cove and even Bhodi to be a part of my life. I need friends, company, maybe even more.

Without second – or is it quadruple by now? – guessing myself, I quickly fire off a text to Cove and press send before I can chicken out.

Me: Hi :)

Thrilling, I know. But it’s a start. I don’t expect a reply from him but one pings back immediately.

Cove: Omg, Mai-tai! Where have you been?

He called me Mai-tai still. That has to mean something, right?

Me: Sorry. I was away for a while and I didn’t have access to my phone until now. I just got your messages. Sorry.

Cove: Don’t you apologise. I’m the one that’s sorry, I was worried sick. I didn’t mean those last few texts I sent. I was out of my mind and I guess I just kind of lost it.

I’m wondering what to reply to that when another message comes through.

Cove: Where are you right now?

Me: Why?

Cove: I want to see you. Can I call?

Me: I’m on the boat back from the mainland. Should be docking soon.

Cove: I’ll meet you. I just want to check if you’re okay. I can walk you back to your dorms if you like? No pressure for anything more, I really do just want to see you with my own eyes.

I snap a picture of myself and send it to him with the caption: I’m fine, see? He replies a second later.

Cove: You’re beautiful, but you don’t look…yourself. Now I *have* to see you. I’ll be there soon.

A smile tugs at my lips and I pocket my phone, suddenly pleased I reached out. Jittery excited nerves – butterflies I guess – start up in my stomach at the thought of seeing Cove again, mixed with relief that he doesn’t hate me for disappearing on him. Ghosting him, Summer would say.

The rest of the trip back to the island goes quickly, as if my excitement at seeing Cove is powering the boat’s engine. Utter crap of course, but the excitement is almost making me giddy.

Until I see him, that is, when I basically freeze and turn to stone in his presence.

“Mai-Tai!” he cries, throwing his arms around me in a way that I wish I could appreciate.

“Hi.” Riveting.

“It’s so good to see you.”

“Umm…you too.”

“Not a hugger?” he asks, catching on to the fact that I’ve not moved since he wrapped me in his warm embrace. It’s taking all of my control not to inhale his scent as it invades my nostrils and melts the stress from my bones. Shit, that’s a metaphor right there. See, I knew Cove made me feel.

“Not usually.” Understatement. “I could make an exception for you.”

“Well, you’d have to hug me back in that case.”

My heart stops.

“Umm…how?” I mean that literally because he has my arms pinned to my side but he takes it the wrong way.

“You don’t know how to hug? Were you never hugged as a child?”

“No, but that’s beside the point. I’m trapped.”

“Ooops.” He releases me with a sheepish grin and I awkwardly return the ‘hug’ with a one handed back pat type thing.

“Wow. You suck at this.”

“Shut up. You didn’t think that when you kissed me,” I joke, then regret it when his whole face brightens. Didn’t think it was possible for his smile to get any bigger or more infectious.

“You remember?” he asks hopefully.

“No, sorry. I just figured if I sucked at it you wouldn’t have come back.”

“Hmm, maybe it’s me who’s bad at kissing. You wouldn’t remember anyway.”

“Ah so that’s why you’re pursuing me,” I quip. “No one else will have you twice?”

“You’re funny. Were you always this funny? Because it kind of feels like a new development. I like it though.”

He laughs and the tension that was coiling in me eases. I made a joke, a boy laughed at it, and the world didn’t stop turning. I give him a tentative smile in return.

“Is that all you’ve got?” He points to my bag. I nod and he takes the bag from me and shoulders it.

“You didn’t have to. I had it.”

“I want to. Besides, you had it on the wrong shoulder.”

“You’ve put it on your right shoulder, same as I had it.”

“Yeah, so that I can hold your right hand with my left.”

He grins and I can’t help but return it as those damn butterflies start up a jig in my stomach again. Wordlessly, he holds out his hand in offering to me and I take it. Because I’m crazy. The right kind of crazy where Cove’s concerned.

Together, hand in hand, we walk back up to campus from the docks. It’s getting late but it’s a nice enough evening and neither of us seem to be in a hurry to reach our destination.

“So, where’ve you been, Mai-Tai?” Cove eventually asks, breaking the companionable silence between us. I knew it was coming, but I still sigh reluctantly.

“In the hospital.” I’m not great at lying – unless it’s to myself – so I don’t even contemplate telling him anything but the truth.

“Oh. Are you okay?”

“I had an…issue a while ago and I spent a couple of weeks or so in the clinic getting help, and I’ve been doing really well but I missed a few meds. So my friend thought I should get checked out. I guess it just took them a few days to get me back to normal this time.”

Lies by omission don’t count, right? Nothing I’ve just told him is untrue, but he doesn’t need to hear the full, ugly truth. Especially about Summer’s betrayal.

“That explains the no contact then.”

“Sorry. If I’d known they were going to keep me in, I would have let you know, but the first I knew about it was when they were taking away my phone and my friend was handing them my overnight bag.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you reached out to me when you could. On your way home no less, you must have really missed me.”

I think he’s teasing if the glint in his eyes is anything to go by, but I’m never certain so I tell him, “yes” and then internally laugh at the shock on his face which quickly morphs to…happiness? Pride?

“I missed you too Mai-Tai,” he tells me, giving my hand a gentle squeeze which gets the damn butterflies all riled up. Maybe I need to see a doctor – like a medical one rather than a head one – about this feeling. Maybe I’m a medical marvel and I really do have butterflies in my stomach. I don’t recall eating caterpillars when I was younger though, and I never grew an apple tree from swallowing a pip either.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

I startle slightly at Cove’s voice and then chuckle nervously. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

“I want to know everything about you.”

“That…wouldn’t be pretty. But I was just thinking about when we were kids. Where I come from it’s quite common for kids to think that if they swallow an apple pip, an apple tree will form in their stomach. Did you think that?”

“No. Where I come from, the potential poison in apple pips means that kids grow up knowing not to eat them.”

“Yeah but it’s such a trace amount, you’d have to eat hundreds to do any damage.”

Cove mutters something under his breath, and I swear I catch the word humans.

“Excuse me?”

“To some people maybe. Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, well what stupid stuff did you grow up believing?”

“Where I’m from, I grew up being told I would live in a palace one day. I thought I would be a prince and maybe one day king, not that I would work there for a bit.”

I smile at his words. I thought it was just girls who grew up dreaming of being long lost princesses. I know I did. Not because I wanted riches and a tiara and a prince to save me, I just wanted a better life. I’d even have chosen Cinderella’s life before the fairy godmother showed up. Anything would have been better than the life I knew.

“That’s cute. So you’re not from here then.”

“Santa Catalina? No.”

“And obviously not the US either if you’re talking about palaces and kings.”

“Correct.”

“So…” I prompt.

“So?”

I frown at him. Is he being cagey on purpose? “So where are you from then?”

“Oh. A small, little-known country. Far from here.”

Definitely cagey. Why won’t he tell me? It’s not like it matters.

“What brought you to SCU then?”

“Education, I guess. Wanting to get as far away from home as possible. How about you?”

I feel like he’s not entirely being honest with me, and I notice that he’s quick to flip the conversation back on me. I can’t get mad though, can I? Not when I’m keeping secrets from him. Can’t exactly say I’ve been subjected to electro-torture for the past five days because I hear people’s thoughts in my head, was convinced that I was being hunted, and have a weird anxiety-ridden phobia of being trapped in small spaces and going outside into wide open ones…but hey, want to date me?

“I came to SCU with Summer. I’m a bit…socially awkward,” understatement, “and Summer was my closest friend back home. She was coming to SCU because her parents came here and thought it would be an amazing opportunity for her to study abroad, follow in their footsteps, that sort of thing. And I decided to tag along.”

“Did your parents not mind you going so far away?”

I snort. “No. If anything, SCU isn’t far enough away. For me or them.”

“Sounds like there’s no love lost there.”

“You could say that.”

My dorm building looms in front of us and I feel a pang of disappointment. I’ve enjoyed talking to Cove, even though the subject matter was difficult.

“I guess this is me,” I say reluctantly. Cove doesn’t let go of my hand and I can’t seem to bring myself to break contact first.

“If it’s alright with you, I’ll see you to your door. What with the…things that have been going on around here lately.”

I nod my head secretly happy that he’s being protective and careful, and then immediately feeling awful for being sort of glad about girls getting killed. I didn’t mean it like that, but I still feel guilty.

“That all seems to have stopped doesn’t it?” I ask while we approach the building and let us both into the dorm block.

“Thankfully.”

“Did the police find who was doing it?”

“I don’t know, but rumour has it that they were unrelated events.”

“In such a small place?” I can hear the incredulity in my voice.

“Apparently. But it’s just a rumour. I guess a freak coincidence causes less panic than the term ‘serial killer’.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Still, scary times.”

“Exactly, which is why I’m delivering you right to your door…et voilá.”

He gestures to my bedroom door and gives me an elaborate bow which makes me giggle.

I bat my eyelashes at him. “My hero. Thank you.” Except I’m not really joking. I am thankful he met me tonight, that he was able to make me laugh and distract me.

He steps closer and my arms snake their way around his neck like they have a mind of their own. My heart beats double time.

Cove rests his forehead against mine and oh my goodness it might just be the best feeling in the world. Comfort. Acceptance. Belonging. It just feels right.

“I missed you, Mai-Tai. You have to stop disappearing on me like this.”

“Sorry.” I trap my bottom lip between my teeth but Cove reaches up and gently frees it, then strokes his thumb over the spot. My pulse flutters in my throat.

“Don’t be. You clearly have a lot going on, and I don’t want to add to your stress but…”

“But?” I ask breathlessly. Hopefully.

“But I really want to see you again. In person, on video chat, whatever you want. What do you think?”

“I’d like that.”

“So you’ll go out with me again? Or stay in. Whatever. Another date?”

“Yes please.”

With a dazzling smile, he closes the gap between us. Our lips meet and I freeze. Not in an ‘oh my god this is horrible’ sort of way, but in a ‘oh crap I’m not good at this what do I do’ kind of way.

“Relax,” Cove murmurs. And although I’m certain that no one has ever actually relaxed after being told to do so, I do. Because I trust Cove implicitly. Something about him soothes my soul and feels like home and… it’s a damn good kiss if my metaphors are anything to go by!

We break apart, breathless, and he gives me a rueful look. “I should go.” He doesn’t sound too keen on that idea, and nor am I.

“What? You’re not going to offer to come in and check under my bed for monsters?” I blush slightly at both my attempt at flirting and the mention of my bed.

“If I come into your room, I won’t be leaving,” he tells me firmly. My heart rate spikes in fearful excitement.

Sounds good to me!

What? No! It sounds terrible.

Terribly good.

Ugh!

Boldly, I pull him back to me for another kiss. I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of kissing Cove. His lips are so soft, and the thought of sharing air with him doesn’t freak me out at all. This time he deepens the kiss, and my toes curl inside my Vans. Oh my god.

“Well, this explains the holdup.”

We jump apart like naughty school kids who just got an electric shock. My eyes widen when I take in Summer standing in my doorway with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her face.

“I wondered what was taking you so long to get here.”

“Summer.” My tone is flat. I’ve never been so unhappy to see her, even if she has just saved me from likely making a mistake by inviting Cove into my room. Her presence reminds me why that would be a bad idea. A really bad idea.

I can just picture me and Cove…well, doing more than kissing…when in walks Summer cheerily informing me it’s time for my bedtime meds.

Kill me now.

“Are you blushing, MT?”

I glare at her. Not only for pointing out my blush but for using my nickname like she had a right to. After the crap she’s pulled, she’s lucky I don’t change the locks.

“I’ll, umm, leave you to get settled in, Mai-Tai,” Cove says awkwardly. I nod, feeling deflated. “I’ll text you in the morning. Goodnight.”

He leans in and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek – a peck – and then he’s gone. Disappointment and regret lance through me.

I sigh, pick up my bag from by my feet where Cove obviously dropped it, and step past my ex best friend.

She doesn’t take the hint; following me into my room, closing the door and busying herself with an obscene amount of medications lined up on the dresser.

“Do you really think getting involved with a guy right now is a good idea, MT?” she asks, crossing to where I’ve sat on my bed and handing me a small plastic dish loaded with tablets of all shapes, sizes and colours.

She passes me a bottle of water when I don’t reply and then stands over me like a warden while I swallow the pills. She looks at me expectantly when I’m done.

“Really?” I snap, opening my mouth wide to prove I have in fact swallowed them. She nods and I shake my head.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I shake my head and point to the door.

Summer sighs. “Fine. I’ll be back in the morning. You have to talk to me sooner or later, MT.”

I get to my feet and follow her to the door, taking great delight in slamming it behind her.

We’ll see about that.