Chapter 28

Loud voices pulled me from the drudge of sleep. Heavy, hot cobwebs seemed to stretch from one ear to the other inside my head. But it was the hard, expanding plane under my cheek that took all my attention.

Shit. That was a chest.

There were hands on my thighs that couldn"t possibly belong to the chest either.

Blinking the blurriness away, the room came into focus. It was early. Asscrack of dawn kind of early with gray light filtering through the window.

Last night, after I"d barged into the study, I"d been so ready to confront the guys. So ready to throw down, but holy shit. That video was real. I"d never in a million years thought it was real.

But it had been my first thought when Lake called the first code red.

Joaquin had already been plastered out of his brain, and the other guys started drinking too. Even Kim.

I took the bottle when offered to me, because shit. It just sounded like a good idea. I needed a way to get out of my own head. I"d never felt so raw as I did watching them spiral last night. It hurt my fucking heart. The alcohol numbed the pain, just for a little while.

Now that the day had come and it hurt to string two thoughts together and it tasted like somebody shit in my mouth, I was pretty sure I"d never get that wasted again.

It was hard to find anywhere to put my hand that wasn"t an arm, leg, or torso. Atlas was under my head, Joaquin curled into his side with his hand on my thigh, and Kim was huddled against my back, doing his best to climb inside me.

We slept in a pile on the office floor.

Giving up, I used Atlas" stomach to push myself up. I winced at the pain in my stiff neck. He grunted, but didn"t wake. Somehow, I extracted myself, and stretched.

My entire body ached. Even my heart. No, my heart was smashed to smithereens for them.

Quietly leaving the study, I closed the door gently behind me. Voices trickled through the hallway. Lake"s was louder than the other, and he was pissed.

"I don"t give a fuck what you have to do. I want that asshole dead!" Lake screamed, and the echo bounced inside my head.

Still, I walked closer. As far as I remembered he hadn"t joined us last night.

I"d hit the edge of the kitchen as Gio started to answer. He stood with his back to me, his arms crossed as Lake berated him.

"It doesn"t work like that. You don"t think I would have done that myself years ago if I could have?" Gio"s voice was calm. Cold even.

"That"s because you and your ragtag team couldn"t get anything done if it dick-smacked you in the face." Lake tossed out a hand and turned his face to the side. His nostrils flared as he seethed.

Then he pivoted to face Gio.

I sucked in a sharp breath. His eyes were swollen and ringed with dark circles. White-blond locks stood up in every direction as if he'd run his hands through it all night. Even his clothes were one big wrinkle.

Had he slept at all? He couldn't have.

"I"d watch that tone. It"s because of me that you pricks have stayed alive. It"s because of me that you have your girl, unwilling as she is."

Lake flinched at Gio"s words.

"It"s because of me that Parker decided you were worth the investment. We both know that you"re a group of fucked-up boys who can"t function in society without a little help."

Lake paled.

"Hey!" I shouted, stomping right up to Gio, placing myself between him and Lake. "Knock it the hell off. No one asked your opinion on anything!" I got up on my tiptoes, stabbing my finger toward his face.

Lake slid an arm around my waist and pulled me back.

Gio"s eyes softened a fraction, but he didn"t show any other reaction. "Sometimes the truth is the only thing that will help idiots."

"If you"re not going to help, get the fuck out of here!" Lake shouted, spinning me around so Gio couldn"t see me anymore.

"You know what, fine. You"re on your own. I"ll tell Parker he needs to find other babysitters for your asses. I"m done." Gio snarled as he started to spin. Then he stopped. "If you want to work, the offer still stands, Cressida. We could still use your help."

"Over my dead fucking body!" Lake covered my ear with his hand as he pressed my head into his chest. His heart beat so furiously, it pounded against my cheek.

He held me for a few minutes before he loosened his hold. His heart never slowed down, but when I glanced around, Gio was gone.

The red-hot anger that had built so furiously, slowly leaked out of my pores, leaving me deflated. Sad.

The boys last night had seemed so broken.

Lake stepped away, placing his hands close to his head, but not touching as he moved to the window that looked out over the backyard. His hands shook as they hovered, then he finally curled them into fists and dug them into his temples.

He made a pained noise in his throat. Half-anger, half-torment.

The sound pressed down on my shoulders, trying to make me smaller. He was hurting, and I didn"t know what to do. What would make it better?

I"d never comforted anyone, except for Kim that one time. But his upset was calm, quiet. Lake"s was brimming with power like he was going to explode at any second.

What the hell did people do to help?

Carefully choosing my steps forward, I moved quietly. When I stood at his back, I touched his shoulder blade with my fingertips. "Are you okay?" I whispered.

What the fuck was that? No, he wasn"t okay.

He spun around, knocking my hand down. His white-blond hair stood up from his head and his eyes were wild and bloodshot. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Beasty?"

I yanked back, hurt. I was trying to help him. Not fight with him.

"Tell me, Beasty, how did you watch my best friends fall apart last night and not feel it?" He threw out a hand in the direction of the study.

"I feel it Lake! I"m heartbroken! For Kim! Atlas! Even that asshole, Joaquin! What do you want me to do about it? I can"t magically fix it or make it go away!" I yelled back, some instinct forcing me to match his tone even though I wasn"t angry.

Seeing them like that, I was devastated for them, and so far out of my element I didn"t know which way was up.

Lake grabbed my shoulders and shook me. "You know what you"re supposed to do? Get pissed! Get fucking angry that someone wants to hurt us! Get livid that someone has this kind of power!" His words tumbled one after another, and each one was stronger than the last. "Promise that you"ll do what you can so it never happens again!"

He sucked in a breath. "That"s what we do! That"s what I do, Beasty! I fix things! I make decisions so that no one will ever have the kind of power over us like Gates did! I make sure we"re safe and happy as can fucking be! And when some fuckface tries to hurt us like this, I find out who I have to hurt and make an example out of them! For them. For you! And for my fucking self!"

He wheezed from panting so hard, his eyes searching my face looking for something.

"I..I don"t know..." I whispered, but I could barely croak out the words. He dumped a tub of ice water over my head and I was still in shock.

"You don"t know what, Beasty! What the fuck don"t you know?" He gave me a slight shake.

"I don"t know how to be angry." I blew out a harsh breath then shivered. "No, I..." I was angry. Angry that they were putting themselves in danger. Angry they didn't seem to hear me. But I had never been angry on my own behalf. Not really. And I'd never experienced the kind of anger Lake described.

When Megan or a bully at school tried to hurt me, I pulled into myself. Told myself it didn"t matter. That I"d be gone soon. Then it wouldn"t matter.

At some point in my life, I started to stay in the hurt more than the anger. No, I stayed in denial, pushing all emotions out of my head and heart so I could function. Sure, I fought, but only as much as I had to. Especially after I met Books.

Raising two trembling fingers to my lips, I closed my eyes. Was I just as fucked up? Was I a bad person?

"What good does that do? Being furious because you were wronged doesn't solve anything! Moving on does. Removing yourself from the situation does." My vision wavered at the edges as I tried to make sense of my thoughts.

"Did you like seeing them like that last night?" Lake asked, dipping down to force me to meet his gaze.

"No," I whispered. "I feel bad for them."

His top lip pulled away from his teeth. He was so fucking disappointed.

"That"s it? You feel bad for them?" His tone kept rising higher and higher. "You"re not furious someone is doing that to them? You don"t itch to make it better? Because I can tell you right now, every fucking one of us shredded ourselves to ribbons over that idiot Stevo putting you on the Pescis' radar," he growled.

Then like he couldn"t stand to look at me anymore, he pushed himself away and spun around. The laugh that came next was broken, and ugly, and disbelieving.

"Shit. Maybe Joaquin"s right. Maybe you don"t want to be here. Maybe you"re just a figment of my fucked-up imagination." He laughed again as tears started to fill my eyes.

Breathing became hard, and that spark of anger started in my stomach.

"Stop it!" I yelled as one tear fell. "Stop saying that!"

"Saying what?" When Lake turned around, his face was set in stone and the coldness slapped me in the face so hard I stumbled back.

No. "You don"t get to judge me like this." I shook my head, not sure if I was trying to clear my head or shake some sense into myself.

"That"s all you"ve done is judge us," he fired back, and I sucked in a breath. "Our choices, our careers, our associates, although you"d seemed to toss that all aside for Gio, and he"s even worse than us." He sneered and turned away.

"No!" I yanked his arm until he faced me again. "You"re fucking–" I screamed in frustration because he was right.

He was fucking right.

Even if I never would have worked with Gio, I used them. That wasn't different from what they were doing. Not where it counted.

"I have only ever been by myself. Alone, Lake. I"ve learned to handle my emotions and deal with life alone. You four have always had each other to lean on. Yes, your childhood was fucked up. Beyond fucked and twisted. No kid should have to deal with that, but you four are so lucky because you have each other and I"ve always been on the outside." I shook my head, trying to untangle my mess of thoughts.

"You have us, Beasty! You always have!" He pushed himself in my space until we were chest to chest, and he walked me backward.

"You lie!" I thrashed against him as he gathered me up in his arms and lifted me onto the kitchen counter. "You have held yourself so far away from me, I couldn"t have touched you if I tried!"

"You"re touching me now, Beasty." His voice dipped.

I was. I paused for just a minute to notice my hands splayed across his chest and my nails slicing into his T-shirt.

"Are you angry? Or do you just feel bad for us?" he asked softly, tipping my face up with a finger under my chin.

Breathing deep and blinking away the remnants of tears, I studied myself. Was I angry? I guess I never thought I could be or should be.

"If someone walked in here right now, tossing a pile of videos on the floor, saying they uploaded them on the internet, would you accept it? Would you just give Kim a hug and tell him it"s going to be okay?"

I imagined what he said, if someone was hurting him right in front of me. I"d fight for him.

Just like I did all those years ago when I saved them.

The amount of fights I got into at school over them was insane.

But somewhere along the way, I"d started believing I couldn"t, that to live the life I wanted to live, I had to be different. I changed who I was to get away.

Was that right? Was that my only option?

"I'd fuck him up. I couldn"t watch him hurt any of you," I murmured the realization to myself.

"Then why is it so goddamned different when someone"s hurting us but you can"t see them?" There was a desperate note in his voice.

"I don"t know!" I shouted, but not at him. At myself. Because I didn"t understand it. Then I raked my hands down his chest.

He groaned, tipping his head back. With one hand, he reached behind him, grabbed the shirt and pulled it off. Already red welts appeared down the muscular planes of his chest and abs. They contracted as I watched.

"I need you now, Beasty. Are you going to fight me?"

Glancing up at him through my lashes, a flare of excitement fought for control with the sadness and confusion. I rolled my lips together. "Yes, I"ll fight you."

"Then fucking fight me." He landed a hard slap against the outside of my thigh. It stung so bad, but it brought me to life. Woke me the hell up.

Then I started fighting back. I slapped him, raked my nails over his exposed skin, beating the hell out of him as he stripped me down and gathered to his chest.

As he walked us up the stairs, I raged in his arms, biting his shoulder, screaming my frustration. He moaned and grunted in pleasure each time I attacked his skin.

This was liberating, releasing myself on him like this. The euphoria that zinged through me was like such a high, I was already soaked for Lake.

He didn"t even bother shutting his door as he tossed me on the bed. He quickly stripped out of his pants, his hard, glorious cock bounced against his stomach.

Lake was a work of art. Thick and toned like a man at his peak condition. For someone who loved pain, his lightly tanned skin was strangely blemish free. Perfect, really.

He crawled on the bed and I laid back against the pillows. The potent scent of his cologne wafted around me, engulfing me, and invading my senses in the best way.

I loved the way he smelled. Sharp, musky, and delicious.

"Next time, we"ll break out the toys. I have some that are more fun than you"d imagine. But right now, I need you." He swallowed and lowered his gaze to my chest. When he brought his gaze back to my eyes, he ground his teeth in determination. "I need you to fuck me up while I fuck you. I want you to make me bleed."

I nodded. I wanted to do this for him. He needed it, and I desperately needed him to know I could do it. I could fight for him in the only way I knew how. At least at this moment.

When Lake yanked my thigh up around his waist, I smacked his cheek so hard, his head snapped to the side. He slowly closed his eyes as his chest rose and fell with each breath.

Then Lake stuck his tongue out, tracing his bottom lip. "You busted my lip." He smiled darkly. "Perfect. You"re fucking perfect, Beasty. Don"t let me fuck with your head."

I couldn't take my gaze away from him as he adjusted himself, sliding the head of his warm cock up and down my folds. Biting my bottom lip, I got lost in the sensation of Lake's brand of intimacy.

He notched himself just inside when he dropped down overtop of me, catching my jaw and holding me still as he brought his mouth to mine.

Then Lake kissed me as he thrust inside. I yelled out, soaked, but not enough for his size. He didn"t stop, swallowing my cry as he pulled back his hips then thrust forward.

On the third push, he was fully seated and the sting was gone.

I must be fucked up too. The bit of pain Lake always delivered lit my senses on fire and burned me up from the inside out. Adding to my pleasure when it should have dampened it.

Giving Lake exactly what he wanted, I bit his lip and scored my nails down his back. Gripping his ass cheeks so hard, I was sure he'd have bruises from my fingers and half-moon indents from my nails.

He kept hold of my face, squeezing just enough that it was uncomfortable, as he devoured my mouth. Tilting my face when he wanted a different angle, pinching so that I would open my mouth wider, all while he held my thigh to his ribs.

We collided over and over again, our frustrations with ourselves and each other spilling out between us in this wild fucking.

Ten minutes, two hours, we were outside of time.

He gripped my breast and massaged to the point of pain as he licked the fingers on his other hand and strummed my clit, never failing to crash his hips into mine. He fucked me so hard, it was like he wanted to fuse us together.

Without warning, I called out his name. Throwing my head back, I gasped as I milked the hell out of him.

White noise filled my ears as I rolled my head back on the pillow. When I came back to myself, glorious sounds filled the room. Lake's ragged breathing, the slap of our skin, and the headboard hitting the wall.

Then Lake grunted as he pistoned his hips, swelling inside me. He came on a fierce shout and gathered me up to his chest as he kept thrusting until he shivered, burying his face into my neck.

I was wrecked. Absolutely totally destroyed.

He laid us down as he traced shapes on my hip. We caught our breath in silence, until I broke it.

"What are we going to do now?" About the videos, about us, about life? I thought I knew exactly who I was but maybe I didn"t. Maybe I hadn"t even had the chance to figure it out.

"We"re going to knock our enemies off the board," he whispered against my temple. "And we"re going to set an example."

A day ago, I would have got caught up in how that wasn"t what I wanted for myself–this kind of life. But right then, in the afterglow of sex and revelations, in a weird kind of way, they made me feel cared for as I drifted off to sleep.

One last thought passed through my mind before I gave into sleep completely.

Was this what love felt like?