Chapter 29

Ijolted awake, my heart thumping hard against my ribcage.

The light was still on, and Kim had his back to me with my arm was wrapped around his waist.

What time was it? Lifting my head, I looked for a clock, but I didn"t see one. It could have been the middle of the night or just before dawn. I had no idea other than it was still dark outside.

I smiled, pressing my forehead lightly against Kim"s back. He said he liked to hold me and always asked to put his arm around me on the couch, but when he went to sleep, he turned over and pulled my arm around him.

He liked being the little spoon.

I was sore and for the first time in my life, I felt normal. I"d had a typical experience, losing my virginity to a boy. One I liked. I loved?

Did he really love me?

Could we even know what love really was? We both had such unconventional childhoods.

There was a sound. It was muffled, and sounded like voices. Glancing at the window again, I strained to figure out what that was.

It was definitely a conversation.

My smile died. Lake said they weren"t into bad stuff, and I wanted to believe him. I forced myself to, but now in the middle of the night, I couldn't escape my thoughts.

My gut told me he was lying. I wasn"t stupid. I knew shady behavior when I saw it. Megan and Ed were prime examples.

Shifting back so I wasn"t touching Kim, I froze, waiting to see if he would move. He didn"t, staying fast asleep. I slipped from the bed, then on tiptoes, I went to the door. Before I twisted the handle, I turned the light out.

Then I carefully opened the door, letting out a sigh of relief when it didn"t creak.

Lake"s and Atlas" voices came from the living room. Holding my breath, I continued on tiptoes down the hallway. I couldn"t get that close. The apartment was a decent size, but sound traveled here. Especially at night.

"We have to tell Beasty the truth. She"s not going to take it well if she finds out from someone other than us," Atlas said.

Shit. I shot straight up, pressing my back to the cold wall.

"She can"t find out. You heard her. She won"t stay if she believes we"re doing things that remind her of her childhood."

"What are we doing that reminds her of her childhood?" Joaquin asked, disgust coloring his words.

"We"re not." Lake sighed, and I could imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose. "But we"re not exactly on the up and up either."

"Then we have to get her to see things our way. We can explain it to her in a way that will make sense," Atlas reasoned with them. But there was no reasoning.

Illegal things were illegal things.

"Yeah? And how are you going to explain how much money we have?" Lake asked. "We drive top of the line cars, and we"re going to buy a house soon. Not a small one. One we deserve."

"My gambling?" Joaquin offered. "I"ve always been good at it. That"s not a secret."

A soft knock rapped on the front door.

Oh, no. They were going to catch me.

I ducked into the bathroom and got on my hands and knees. It was pitch dark in here. If they walked by and didn"t go to the bathroom, then they wouldn"t see me. If they did...

Someone opened the front door.

"It worked like a charm," a man said. He sounded familiar. Was this the man from last night?"

"No issues?" Joaquin asked so calmly, he could have been talking about Atlas" schedule for the day.

"I mean," the guy started, sounding like he was smiling. "There"s always a little fight. But between the two jobs, they went smooth enough." There was a rustling. "Here"s the cash. The weasel"s pissed, and he said Atlas and Kim are now on the shit list, but that"s one designer. Doesn"t fucking matter unless the truth gets out."

"You counted it?" Joaquin asked as there was more rustling like Joaquin took a bag from him.

"It"s all there," the guy confirmed. "As for the other job. The favor is secured, and he"s not happy about it, but given the intel you have, he"s not going to make a fuss. His firm is on the line."

"That"s excellent," Lake murmured. "What about the Korvay job?"

I took a deep breath so I wouldn"t have to breathe for a minute, and carefully stuck my head out of the bathroom. Being this low to the floor should be okay.

There were the boys, standing at the front door with another man. I couldn't see anything except his black, chunky boots.

Joaquin had a plastic bag under his arm, and they were chatting like middle of the night visits were normal.

"I think Sonia is better equipped for that one. I know Korvay and he"ll respond better to her subtlety. And books are fine art type of things. They'd run as soon as they saw my big, tattooed ass coming."

They had a laugh like this was some hilarious inside joke. Then with a quick goodbye, the guy left and they returned to the couch. I ducked my head back inside the bathroom as I struggled to breathe.

I didn"t even really comprehend what they were doing but it was illegal. There was no other way to explain it.

Whatever it was, it was so much worse than drugs.

I couldn"t stay here.

My heart splintered at the thought of leaving. But I couldn"t fucking stay here.

Books words floated through my head.

Your life started out as shit, and if you get sucked into the wrong crowd, you"ll continue to live in shit. Greed and self-righteousness is a toxin in our veins. Once it"s there, it continues to change everything about a person. Think of people like us as quicksand. Once you get involved, it"s a slippery slope that you"ll never be able to escape. Avoid it.

I didn"t want to live in shit. That was the one thing I wanted for myself was to get away from all the crap in my childhood.

But the boys...

Tears blurred my vision and my nose started to run. I couldn"t do this. Not here.

They were the only people I"d cared about growing up, and they"d never wanted me. Now they said they did, but who were they? They didn"t even talk to me. Not really. Every time I entered a room they found a reason to leave. When I went with them to jobs, they were constantly busy unless it was to tell me when we'd leave. Even on the rare occasions we ate dinner together, they talked around me.

And it had been months!

They were still talking in the living room, but I wasn"t paying attention anymore. I"d heard all I needed to. I got to my feet and quietly went to my room. I"d unpacked but I didn"t have a lot. And somehow, I"d managed to put Kim off buying me a ton of new clothes, although he had bought a couple things.

Pulling my duffle bag from under the bed, I started yanking clothes off hangers, and everything out of the drawers, leaving only the new things. I had a pile of dirty clothes in the corner and I stuffed those in there too.

Five minutes was all it took to pack up every single item I owned. But I checked the pocket of the duffle bag. It was still there. The card and Visa gift card Books had given me.

Holding the card to my chest I chanted thank you over and over in my head.

I had a way out. Books made sure I was going to have a life free from everything. One day, I hoped I"d be able to thank him.

Opening the door, I took one step out into the hallway, but froze.

"Did Beasty come out here?" Kim asked, sleep in his voice.

I couldn"t think about him. I did my best to block his face from my mind or how he was going to look when I left.

Wait. Did he…Did he want to sleep with me just to distract me? To tie me up in bliss so I'd forget about our dinner conversation?

I couldn't think like that. I wouldn't. It would tarnish what happened between Kim and me, and as much as I needed to leave, I didn't want to do that to something so beautiful.

Maybe I should wait until morning. Maybe I should wait until they all returned to bed. There were a million different ways to leave, but none of them seemed right. I needed to leave now.

What I"d just heard. What I"d listened too...

I was hot. Too hot. And it made thinking a struggle. Once I got outside and got fresh air, I"d be okay.

"Beasty." Kim was in front of me smiling, until his gaze dropped to the bag in my hand. He stepped back and I looked away.

It hurt too much to look at him.

"She"s up?" Lake asked from the living room, then he walked up to us. He towered over us in a way that sucked the air from my lungs and I took a step back.

They"d never hurt me. I knew they wouldn"t.

But I didn"t know what they"d do when I told them I was leaving.

"What are you doing, Beasty?" Kim wore his heartbreak right there on the surface that even when I started to glance at him, I couldn"t. It physically pained me.

I was hurting myself, and I was hurting them.

"You lied to me." I couldn"t look any of them in the eye, but all four boys crowded my door.

"We didn"t lie." Lake tried lying about lying.

"I–" I squeezed my eyes shut. I thought being here would be good for me. But it's not. "The most important thing to me, the one thing I want for myself, is to get away from the past. From the bad people. What you guys are doing...I can"t be a part of it."

"Beasty," Kim said as he took a step forward. "Last night, we made love. It was perfect." He sucked in a shaky breath and his words were thick. "You can"t leave me after that."

I didn"t want to leave.

The tears I"d been holding started spilling. It was ripping my heart out, but I had to choose myself. No one else would, so I needed to. And whatever they were doing, I wanted nothing to do with it.

But...

"Would you stop? If I...If I stayed, would you stop messing around with whatever it is you"re doing?" My voice was small. Why would anyone do anything like that for me?

They exploded at once and I couldn"t make out anything they said.

"Stop!" Lake yelled, slashing his hand through the air. "Beasty, we"re not doing the things you think we"re doing." He faced me, but I was already shaking my head. "Stop being ridiculous. Tell us what happened to make you want to leave in the middle of the night." He cut his gaze to Kim.

"Kim didn't do anything. It was…" I dropped my gaze to the floor. This was so weird, yet I didn't want them to think poorly of Kim. "We had a perfect night. But I can't stay with you." Taking a deep breath, I glanced up against my better judgment. "Will you tell me what it is you're doing?"

His jaw worked as he glanced away.

I nodded. That was fair. I expected that. It was still a blow to the one dream–living with the boys I'd idolized from a far–I had as a child. It was crumbling right before my very eyes.

But dreams weren't meant to last forever. They were only to get you to a better place, then you could concoct a different dream. That was what I told myself but it felt wrong and hollow.

Still. If I knew anything, it was that I didn"t want to be tied to anything like Megan was mixed up in, and if they tried to say it wasn"t, that was splitting hairs.

I mean, Megan tried to sell my body to pay off her debt. She didn't give a damn about my body, my life, or me. It would be devastating if I found out the boys could do that to me. So I needed to leave.

"Beasty, you can"t go," Kim rushed out, raising his hands like he wanted to touch me but he didn"t. Like he didn"t know if he could.

It was probably for the best that he didn"t. I"d break, and right now, for myself, I couldn"t.

"You can"t go. You fucking saved us and we want to take care of you." Lake stepped forward, his brows pulled low over his blue-hazel eyes.

Joaquin and Atlas just stood back, suddenly quiet.

"We"re going to return the favor, Beasty. You"re ours."

What did that even mean? They were helping me out of some sick sense of duty? Obligation?

"I can"t stay here," I repeated in a hard voice, even though it wavered. Staying wasn"t even a choice at this point. They"d never tell me what they were doing. They"d never stop. It wasn't like I was part of their group anyway. I'd always be on the outside.

I wouldn"t be pulled back into the cycle. I was breaking the cycle. In my own way, and on my own terms.

Rubbing the fingers of my free hand together, I drew courage from it. "I have money saved up. So you don"t have to worry I"ll be homeless or anything."

"What the fuck?" Joaquin shouted. "You are never going to be homeless again. I don"t care if we have to drag you back here kicking and screaming." He started grumbling under his breath as he walked away.

"There will be nowhere you can hide from us. I swear to God if you become homeless, I"ll–" Lake turned and raised his fists up beside his head.

My eyes widened and I took a step back.

Atlas watched me with an unreadable, unblinking stare. The stark attention made me uncomfortable, as if he could see just how hard this was. I glanced away from him too.

There was a soft sniffle, and I glanced at Kim. His eyes were shining bright with unshed tears and he watched me with so much desolation that I just...I couldn"t do this anymore.

Turning back, Lake tried to control his voice. "You can"t leave." Raking a hand through his hair, he looked to the ceiling. "Wait until morning and we"ll talk. All of us. Okay. Okay?" he repeated, making it more of a question.

I nodded. "I need some time to think. I"ll see you in the morning."

Stepping back, I started closing the door. Kim stepped forward like he wanted to talk to me, but Lake shuffled him to the living room, all without touching him.

Once my door was closed, I stopped holding back the tears. I whined with each breath, like some sort of messed-up cat.

If I stayed with them, I"d end up just like Megan, justifying fucked up things and jobs all because it paid well. Sacrificing people"s trust and pride because it got what I wanted or needed.

I couldn"t be like that. I"d hate myself for it.

I"d hate the boys, and that might kill me faster.

They"d be in the living room. If they were anything like me, they"d assume I"d sneak out while they slept. I would.

I still was. But I had to find a different way. I went to the window, and opened the blinds. Flipping the lock, I slid it open. It made a small squeak, but there were no pounding footsteps in the hallway.

Sticking my head out, I breathed in the cool night air and glanced around.

There wasn"t a balcony, but there was a rooftop right below the window. Maybe a seven-foot drop. If I could get there, I could go around the building and find another drop. That would only be one more story.

I could do that.

The pep talk sucked, but I didn"t have any other option if I was actually going to leave. If I looked at Kim one more time, I"d cave. I"d sacrifice everything I wanted for myself.

I couldn"t do that. I refused.

Dangling the duffle out the window, I held it as low as I could before dropping it. It landed with a soft thump.

Okay, this was it. I could do it.

I swung one leg out, sitting with my head and torso on the outside of the window. No, that wasn"t going to work. My body needed to be inside as I worked my other leg outside. Rearranging myself, I got my stomach on the windowsill, grunting from the pressure. Slowly, I lowered myself, trying not to scrape my stomach too bad on the brick.

Then when I was holding on just by my hands, I let go. My feet hit the roof first, then I rolled back on my ass, hitting my head. It wasn"t bad. I"d just have a slight bruise later.

I held still, waiting to see if anyone heard. I must have stayed on my back for five minutes. When no one came, I rolled to my feet, picked up my back and worked my way around the building.

When I reached the end, just before the corner, I glanced back to the window. The light was on, and it was still open.

My heart squeezed. I was doing the right thing. This was the path I wanted.

The pain would go away with time. It had to.