Chapter 3

3

"What would it be like to live in a different realm? To leave all this behind and not look back?" I wondered aloud, the question hanging between us.

A peculiar warmth spread through me, one I couldn't quite explain, and I turned away from Noboru. I wiped the remnants of my tears with the back of my hand, trying to regain my composure.

He had witnessed my emotional turmoil; I wasn't ready for him to see me at my most vulnerable.

Noboru's silence was heavy, but I could feel his fixed gaze upon me. "Is that what you want?" he asked softly, his voice laced with genuine intrigue.

Daring a peek over my shoulder, I wasn't sure what I would find. His eyes searched mine. The warmth that suffused me earlier now seemed to draw him closer, a magnetic pull that neither of us fully understood. He took a tentative step forward, as if unsure whether to bridge the space between us.

"It's not about wanting to escape," I replied, my voice trembling slightly. "It's about... wondering if there's something more, something different—a different destiny."

Silly thoughts, really, sparked by my encounter with a deity. Why should I crave change when my life was already mapped out? But the possibility of something beyond my existence tugged at me, like a whisper of freedom I couldn't ignore.

Noboru's expression softened and I was beginning to dislike the way it made me feel—as if I was worth his kindness. "Maybe there is," he said quietly.

I faced forward once more, his gaze making me both curious and uncomfortable. The skin beneath my silk pebbled at his proximity. It felt disorienting, as if something was shifting just beyond my understanding.

Then, unexpectedly, a low, almost melodic purr rumbled from deep within him. Before I could react, his wings unfurled and enveloped me from behind, cocooning me in a gentle embrace. It was as though he was shielding me from the very pain he struggled to understand, his touch both soothing and bewildering. The warmth and protection of his wings made me question what exactly was unfolding between us.

"Noboru— "

"What is your name? So that I may address you correctly?"

My breath stuttered. Though his words are but mimicry, it was the way he said it that made me wrap my arms around myself in a feeble attempt at self-preservation.

"M-Matsui Kenzan."

What was I doing? Did it really matter if he knew my name when my time was running out?

His strong arms turned me to face him and I found myself at his mercy. He cradled my face gently, and all my words caught in my throat.

"How can anyone want to harm such a flower?" he asked, his voice filled with genuine confusion and concern.

My lips trembled, my emotions a chaotic storm. What was he doing to me? How dare he awaken feelings when I was supposed to be beyond them, destined to be numb?

"You'd be surprised at what mortals are capable of," I said, my tone almost bitter. "But I suppose deities like yourself don't have to worry about such things."

As his gaze continued to search mine, his eyes suddenly sharpened. They followed the movement of my neckline as it shifted slightly, revealing a faint bruise on my skin. His expression darkened, a mixture of anger and disbelief flickering across his features. I quickly pulled my neckline up, recovering my skin.

"Yet," he whispered, his voice soft but urgent, "I never anticipated what you have awakened in me. I was created for one purpose, and these new emotions are so foreign to me. I don't understand them, but I can't ignore them."

I stared at him, struggling to reconcile his words with the emotions they stirred. The situation was spiraling out of control, and I was caught between the fear of what this connection could mean and the irritation at being so profoundly affected by it.

"Perhaps our fates are woven together by forces beyond our understanding…" he continued.

I felt a pang of guilt at his words, my own emotions tangled in a knot of shame. Despite the emotional chasm that had grown between my husband and I—despite the loveless marriage that had become a cage—I had no right to entertain feelings for anyone else. The weight of my vows and the societal expectations pressed down on me, making me feel as though any hint of affection toward another was a betrayal, even if my marriage was devoid of warmth or compassion.

I looked away, unable to meet his gaze directly, the turmoil in my chest growing heavier. "I'm sorry," I whispered, though I wasn't entirely sure what I was apologizing for. "I can't. We can't. This… cannot be."

Noboru's grip on me loosened though his touch lingered. There was a shadow of sadness in his eyes, mingled with a deep, perplexed longing. He took a small step closer, his wings gently unfolding around us and returning behind him tightly as if to shield himself from my rejection.

He paused, his eyes searching mine with an earnestness that made my heart ache, before finally dropping his lingering hand. "I do not understand these feelings, nor the force that draws me to you. But I cannot simply turn away from something that feels so profound, even if it defies all reason."

There could never be a place for genuine connection and understanding in a life marred by obligations and unspoken sorrows. My emotions surged like a tidal wave, drowning out his next words before they could reach my ears.

"I cannot proceed," I blurted out, my voice trembling with a mix of anger and despair. I took a step back, putting the necessary distance between us. I couldn't handle the electrical charge that seemed to run through my flesh, nor the way his eyes have shifted from his initial curiosity to something akin to a growing flame. "This—whatever this is—" I gestured, "is not what I asked for. You've stolen the one thing I needed—my chance to end my suffering on my own terms. And now I must return to the life I've fought so hard to escape."

Noboru opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off, unable to contain my rising desperation. "Do you not see? You've given me a glimpse of what I cannot have, and now I'm left with nothing but the cruel reality of my own existence."

He tried to speak again, but I raised my hand, silencing him. "No, don't. I don't want to hear your reassurances or your insights. It's too late for that."

Was it wrong of me to place blame on him? Perhaps. But rationality had fled me completely with the rise of my confusion over what transpired here.

He attempted to interject once more, but I was already barreling ahead. "You don't understand! It's not just about living; it's about having the choice to end the suffering when it becomes unbearable. Can you even comprehend what it means to go back now?"

"Matsui—"

Did he have to say my name with such reverence? The walls I had built around myself, fortified.

"What can you possibly offer me now? I'm already facing the return to a life I wished to leave behind. Any wisdom you offer now is meaningless. I needed that choice, that escape, and you took it from me!"

Noboru's expression grew increasingly pained as he tried to respond, but I continued, my frustration overriding any attempt at calm, shattering the facade I had built. "Whatever this is, is too little, too late."

I could see his wings tightening against his back, a gesture of retreat, but I was too consumed by my own turmoil to notice or care. "Please, let me?—"

"No!" I shouted, cutting him off once more. "I don't want to hear it. I'm already past the point of hearing anything that doesn't address the reality of my situation. Just let me go. Let me return to what you've made me face, and let's be done with it."

I've never been one for dramatics, but this moment was different. The confusion swirling inside me was overwhelming, unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It was as if I was caught in a storm, grappling with emotions I didn't understand, and it left me feeling utterly lost.

He fell silent, his expression a mixture of frustration and something else I couldn't name. I turned away from him. The forest, now a silent witness to our exchange, seemed to echo with the gravity of the moment. My heart was heavy with the finality of my words, and I could feel the weight of what lay ahead pressing down on me. I turned and ran through the forest in the direction in which I came.

I cast one last look at Noboru, who remained where he stood, his divine presence an unwanted beacon calling to me in the midst of the growing storm brewing inside of me.

The path back to my life was clear, but it was now marked by the bitter knowledge of the choice I had been denied—a choice that had once seemed so attainable and now felt irretrievably out of reach. When would I ever get another opportunity?

I approached the marketplace, the once-bustling square now a hive of activity, with vendors calling out their wares and townsfolk moving about their daily routines. How long had I been missing? I never expected to return alive, and now that I have, I realize that my absence would have been noticed.

As I stood there, a wave of unease washed over me. I could already feel the weight of scrutiny pressing down, knowing that my return would undoubtedly raise questions. My mind raced through a flurry of excuses to stave off suspicion and prevent my servant from reporting anything unusual to my husband.

Perhaps I could say I was lost and took longer than expected to find my way back , I mused, though the excuse felt flimsy. Or I could claim the weather brought on a sudden illness and needed time to rest somewhere out of sight.

Another thought surfaced, Maybe I could fabricate a story about a chance encounter with someone who helped me—someone whose presence I should now explain away. I could emphasize how deeply grateful I am for the aid I received.

That was the worst excuse yet. My husband would surely blame me for coercing someone with my womanly wiles out of spite for him. It would only lead to more trouble, I told myself bitterly.

I tried to steady my breath, considering the best course of action. I needed to appear calm and composed, to make my excuses convincing enough to divert any suspicion. My heart pounded with anxiety while I prepared to face my servant, knowing that the truth was too dangerous to reveal.

I smoothed my clothes, trying to calm the frayed edges of my composure. Taking a deep breath, I turned to the other patrons with a practiced smile, engaging in light conversation and exchanging pleasantries, keeping up with the facade of Asato Kenzan's wife. I needed to project an image of normalcy, to convince everyone that nothing was amiss.

As I mingled, my thoughts remained preoccupied with my servant, and my unease grew. I excused myself from the crowd with polite nods and made my way through the throng of people until I noticed a familiar figure pacing anxiously near a small stall. Wada was wringing her hands in a display of nervous energy. The sight of her pacing back and forth did little to ease my own anxiety.

Her eyes lit up with a mixture of relief and worry when she spotted me. "Mistress! There you are!" she exclaimed, rushing over to me with her bags of bought items. Her weathered face was etched with lines of concern, and her hands trembled slightly as she took hold of my arms.

"I've been searching for you everywhere," Wada said, her voice quivering with suppressed fear. "I was so worried. Where have you been? What happened to you?"

I pulled away gently, all the excuses I had come up with earlier dissipating into the air as Noboru's frustrated face flashed in the forefront of my mind. "I was... away, reflecting on things. I needed to be alone for a while."

Wada's gaze narrowed slightly, the concern giving way to something more guarded. "You've been gone longer than you should have. Did something happen? Were you in danger?"

I forced a reassuring smile, hoping to mask the nervousness that threatened to bubble to the surface. "It was not my intention to cause alarm. I lost track of time but all is well now."

I watched her reaction closely, hoping my explanation would suffice and keep her from probing further. The pressure to maintain the illusion of normalcy was immense, and I could only hope my efforts would be enough to prevent any unwelcome reports from reaching my husband.

"Did you not find the silks you wanted?"

Her question was sincere, but I could see the flicker of unease behind her words. Wada's concern was not only for my well-being but also, I suspected, rooted in the fear of what my prolonged absence might mean for her own safety and position.

"No, it's alright. I'm fine," I replied, trying to sound more reassuring than I felt. Though I could use the excuse of my husband reminding me not to waste money, the words refused to leave my lips. "Let's return home. There are things I need to attend to."

Wada's expression softened, but her eyes betrayed a deeper, more personal fear. "I'm glad you're safe. I just—" She hesitated, glancing around discreetly as if wary of eavesdroppers. "I just want to make sure you're alright. I know how much your?—"

She stopped short, her eyes flickering with a mixture of fear and resignation. I could sense that she was about to say something more, something unspoken but deeply felt—a clear silent communication passed between us. I pressed my lips together.

Her shoulders slumped slightly, and she looked away, a hint of shame coloring her cheeks. "Mistress, I… I fear what might happen if you didn't come back. Your husband?—"

I cut her off gently, knowing that my actions today have put her in the path of my husband's potential wrath. "I understand. Let's return home."

Wada nodded, her demeanor shifting back to a more composed but still anxious stance. Guilt struck me but nothing could be done at this point. "Very well. Let's go home then. I'll make sure everything is in order."

With each step, the weight of my recent encounter with Noboru settled heavily upon me. Instead of the death I sought, it ended in the possibility of betrayal. The harsh reality of that life now seemed more palpable than ever.

The walk home felt unnervingly swift, each step accelerating the inevitable confrontation I was dreading. I tried to push away the gnawing anxiety that gripped me with each passing moment. My only hope was that my husband had stepped out, leaving me some respite before facing his scrutiny.

As we neared the house, my heart pounded louder with each step, my dread mounting. I tried to steady my breath, but the knot in my stomach only tightened. It felt as if a noose was tightening around my neck with each step I took.

The door slid open, and there he was—standing in the entryway, his gaze fixed upon us with a cold, assessing. His presence felt like a weight pressing down on me, intensifying the guilt and fear I felt.

"So, you've finally decided to grace us with your presence," he said, his voice dripping with thinly veiled contempt. "I suppose you have an excuse for your little adventure? "

I felt a flush of apprehension but forced myself to maintain composure. "I was delayed," I managed to say, trying to keep my voice steady. "There were complications. I-I wasn't feeling well on the outing."

His eyes narrowed, and he took a step closer, his expression shifting from disdain to something darker. "Unwell? How convenient," he said, his tone laced with mockery. "It seems you're always finding new ways to excuse your absences."

I swallowed hard, feeling the noose of his judgment tighten around me. The sting of his words made my heart race, and I could barely hold back the tremor in my voice. "I assure you, it wasn't intentional," I said, struggling to keep my voice steady. "I would have returned sooner if I could have."

He regarded me with a look that conveyed both disbelief and scorn. "I'm sure you would have," he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm. "But your assurances don't change the fact that you've been neglecting your duties. Perhaps you should remember that there are consequences for your actions."

With that, he turned on his heel and walked away, leaving me standing there with Wada, the weight of his words settling like a heavy shroud. The reality of my situation felt suffocating, the noose around my neck pulling tighter with every passing moment. I led Wada inside, trying to steady my breath and compose myself, knowing that I had to navigate this tense atmosphere while grappling with the unresolved tensions and the recent encounter with Noboru that still lingered in my mind.