Chapter 2

2

Getting to my feet, I approached the deity with a trembling but resolute step. The air around it was charged with a terrifying energy, yet my desperation seemed to cut through the tension. I was drawn to its ethereal and masculine energy, not by a desire for survival but by a deep, unspoken need for an end that made sense—that felt right.

The deity straightened and shook out his massive wings as he took in my form. "And who are you? Or are you with the mortal who dares play foolish games with summoning powers beyond their control?"

Casting my eyes down, I took a deep breath before lifting my eyes to meet his. "Though I had no hand in whatever that man did, I will admit that I do not regret his actions since he brought you to me. "

Was my growing apathy the source of such boldness?

His eyes, the color of flames, contracted for a fraction of a second before he spoke again. "What need do you have of one of the guardian units of the Eight Legions? Divine warriors are set for the intervention of moral realms when necessary, not for trivial human matters."

So he's a warrior. Though not of this realm, still a being of honor. My mind worked quickly. "From what I've witnessed, I believe you when you say you're a warrior. What is your name? So that I may address you correctly, divine one?"

My attempts to gain favor may backfire, but the thought of another day in my existence…

His massive form leans down and though fear runs through me, so does a sliver of hope.

"Noboru," he answers with a curious head tilt.

"Noboru," I began, my voice wavering but carrying a weight of resolution. "I understand the gravity of your presence here. If you are to end my life, then please, grant me this one request. Let it be by your hand, in this moment of grandeur."

The deity's eyes, pools of piercing luminescence flame, bore into me with a deeper measure of curiosity. His gaze was as inscrutable as it was intimidating. "You seek an end, but not merely any end; you seek it adorned with significance. Why?"

I swallowed hard, the thrum of my heart reminding me of the life I wished to leave behind, trying to keep his gaze with unwavering sincerity. "My life has been plagued by endless hardship and suffering. I've been given nothing but a series of cruel trials and a future devoid of hope. If I am to go, let it be with some semblance of honor, in the presence of a being as mighty as yourself."

Any other male would have preened with the praise, but not this being.

Noboru's wings rustled slightly, a sound like a secret whisper, as he pondered my words. "You wish for a dramatic exit, one that transcends the ordinary demise. Yet, I find your plea curious. You would trade your life for this spectacle, seeking meaning in a final moment?"

I nodded, my heart pounding louder in my ears. "Yes. In the face of such a magnificent force, my end would be something grand—a release from the chains of despair. Can you not see the logic in that?"

His gaze remained fixed on me as if peering into the very essence of my soul as he contemplated my response. Was it wrong of me to feel a pang of jealousy at the moment? How easily he ended the man's life, yet here he stood continuing to question my demands. Why was I any different than the life he just took? To the divine, are mortals not all the same?

"Humans often throw away their lives with such ease, seeking to escape the burdens they bear. It is an act both brave and foolish, to surrender so readily to despair."

I winced, not meaning to. His pupils contracted and the guilt I constantly held inside of me began to seep through my pores leading the way to frustration.

I took in a shaky breath, my carefully measured and practiced tone as a trophy wife slowly breaking. "You don't understand. My suffering has been a relentless storm, one that has left me broken and hollow. I am merely asking for a release from that torment, with a final gesture that has meaning… for my family's sake."

Noboru's expression softened slightly, as if he were reflecting on something beyond the immediate. "And yet, you underestimate the value of your existence. Each life, no matter how troubled, carries within it the potential for change, for redemption. Your request to end your life is not one I can easily grant."

"Then what am I to do?" I implored, a hint of desperation creeping into my voice. "Is there no way out of this relentless suffering?"

The deity's form began to shrink—his size, once gargantuan now seemed manageable in the face of my growing irritation. I didn't like the emotions he stirred within me when I had carefully buried them so long ago. Emotions lead to nothing good because no matter what I felt, it didn't change the course of my life's destiny. I watched Noboru as his gaze became distant and contemplative.

"You seek escape, but in seeking it through me, you seek to transform your end into a story of grandeur. Perhaps there is something you do not see—a possibility that lies beyond the immediate desire for release."

Why was he making this so hard? I shook my head, struggling with his enigmatic words. "If you will not grant me this release, then what do you suggest? What purpose do I have left if not to seek an end that bears some significance?" I bit out.

Noboru's voice took on a more resonant tone, almost as if he were speaking to himself as much as to me. "You are not the only one who has suffered. Each being, divine or mortal, wrestles with the weight of existence. To merely end your struggle is to disregard the potential for growth and understanding that might come from it."

Growth? Understanding? It was he who was not understanding me! All I had kept buried, surfaced like a tempest and my skull tightened with the words that threatened to spill out. The organ inside of my chest hammered away while I forced myself to take deep calming breaths.

What possessed me to ever think it would be as simple as a request for death? My life was never made to be simple. I mentally let out a humorless laugh at the position I found myself in.

Be it my chosen husband or a deity that will ultimately deny me, my destiny refused to waver. I waded through the emotional storm within and somehow found the calm I needed to respond—years of conditioned practice under my husband. My mother would have been proud of my skills if she were here to witness it.

"Then what would you have me do?" I asked, enunciating each word slowly.

His wings shook as he regarded me with a mixture of solemnity and curiosity. "Perhaps there is a different path for you, one that does not end in death but in discovery. Join me in understanding why your existence, though fraught with pain, still holds meaning."

A flicker of something unwanted in the moment—a different kind of hope than the one I anticipated, perhaps—began to stir within me much to my dismay. "And if I were to accompany you, what would that entail?" I humored him.

Noboru's gaze softened, and for the first time, I felt a hint of warmth in his presence rather than his benevolence. "We will explore together the reasons behind your suffering and the potential that lies within you. In this companionship, we may find answers neither of us anticipated."

The reasons? He didn't need to know the exact reasons because it wouldn't change anything. What game was he playing? Was I merely a source of entertainment?

As his words settled between us, a surge of frustration bubbled up within me. The deity's broad notions about existence and suffering seemed detached from the harsh realities of my life. I took a step closer, my voice cutting through the ethereal calm I had previously fostered between us.

"You speak of potential and growth," I said, my voice edged with sharpness. "But you do not understand the full extent of my struggle nor would it matter if you did. The life of a woman in this time is a constant battle—one that men rarely have to face. Our suffering is not merely a matter of personal despair; it is woven into the very fabric of our existence. "

Noboru's gaze, though unwavering, seemed to shift as if he were reconsidering his perspective after my change in tone. If I was with others, the whispers would begin about how a woman's audacity and boldness could lead to her downfall. The thought made my skin prickle with awareness.

"And what makes your struggle as a woman so distinct, so insurmountable?" he whispered.

"Everything!" I shouted, my frustration breaking free. "Society places us in roles that deny us agency, restrict our freedom, and force us into a life of subservience. We are judged by different standards, given fewer opportunities, and our suffering is often dismissed or ignored. Duty. Obligation. The roles are placed upon us in every phase of our life. Men might face their own hardships, but our challenges are compounded by the very structures that confine us."

His eyes narrowed, his demeanor shifting to one of contemplation. It didn't matter how much he tried, he would never understand the life of a woman who must save face in a marriage that was slowly killing her soul.

"So you believe your suffering is more profound because of these societal constraints?"

His question confirmed my inner thoughts. Typical of a man to put up a wall when understanding was essential for finding a solution—a solution I had already demanded from him.

"Yes!" I replied, struggling to keep my voice steady. "It's not just the personal pain I endure; it's the relentless struggle against a system that seeks to undermine and diminish me. Every day is a fight to assert my worth, and to find meaning in a world that often seems determined to crush it. And if that is the case, so be it, Noboru. I do not wish for any more of it."

Noboru's gaze grew distant again, and I slowly closed my eyes in resignation. We were talking in circles. This was getting me nowhere. Perhaps it would have been better for me to keep my silence, the way I always did.

"You claim that your suffering is amplified by societal structures. This is a perspective I had not fully considered. The burdens placed upon you are indeed significant, shaped by forces beyond your individual control."

Was he merely parroting words he thought would appease me? Or were they truly having an impact? I pressed on, my voice softer but no less earnest. "I am not seeking sympathy, Noboru, nor pity—far from it. I am seeking understanding in my…request. You must grant me the end I desire."

It was bold of me to make demands to a deity, again and again, but I couldn't help myself, not when our conversation had veered this far. My pulse fluttered with nervousness.

His gaze held mine with a new intensity and going against everything ingrained in me, I held his with the same fierceness. "You challenge me to reconsider the nature of suffering and the ways in which it manifests differently across various lives. This is no small task, and perhaps there is much I can learn from the struggles you face. "

My breath stuttered. "I've clearly illuminated not just the nature of my own suffering but also the broader struggles faced by those like me, those without a voice."

Noboru's wings folded behind him, distracting me for a sliver of a moment. I was drawn to their rich red coloring—a reminder of the bruises I constantly hide beneath the fine silks. No amount of play with childhood dolls could have prepared me for this reality.

"Very well. If we are to embark on this journey together, it shall be with the aim of uncovering deeper truths and perhaps finding ways to address the systemic forces that contribute to your suffering. In this endeavor, we might both gain insights beyond what we currently know."

A humorless laugh escaped my lips and he tilted his head.

"A journey? Have you not listened to a word I've been saying, Noboru? I have no need to gain any more insight into my suffering. I'm still living it!"

He surprised me with his touch, causing me to flinch. His gaze fixed on the spot where we briefly connected. How do you explain to a deity that a mortal mind adapts for survival?

For once, he seemed truly perplexed over what transpired. "Have I… hurt you, mortal?"

I turned away from him, feeling guilt and shame. Though it wasn't his fault, I couldn't control how my body reacted to any man after all the conditioning my marriage had imposed on me .

Yet, you demanded he end your life, Matsui. That meant he would have to put his hands on you.

"Has another hurt you?" He asked again, his voice closer than I expected, sending shivers down my spine. The heat of his body behind me was familiar and foreign all at once, leaving me in a confused mess.

"I wish to end my suffering, Noboru. What don't you understand about my request?" I whisper, knowing my window of opportunity has possibly dwindled to nothing.

He placed a tentative touch on my shoulder and this time, I was better prepared for it—my shoulders merely tensing a fraction but without the flinching.

"The fragility of mortals never ceases to amaze me," he said under his breath.

I sighed in resignation of my fate. "Yet here you stand, unwilling to end this existence. You are capable of so much, holding immense power over beings like me, yet you choose to watch my soul wither."

"It does not have to be this way…"

I jerked my shoulder away from his touch, abruptly turning with a scowl that was unbecoming of a woman in my station. "Then what way is it supposed to be, Noboru? What choice do I really have in this life if my future has already been chosen for me?"

He flared his wings, blocking the world out of view, and a few loose feathers floated between us.

"The fire inside of you tells me otherwise, that you do not truly wish to end your life, not when there's such much life in you. "

"You know nothing of me," I told him with a tense calm.

He closed the distance between us and my gaze stayed fixated on his intricate armor. Despite shrinking down from his massive form, he was still exceptionally larger than me. He smelled lightly of smoke and flames and of divinity. I didn't notice I was crying until a breeze chilled the warm tears running down my cheeks.

Noboru's fingers lightly brushed against my chin, guiding my head upward. As our eyes met, his gaze seemed to narrow, and I felt a strange, unspoken understanding pass between us.