Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

“ A nother drink, your Grace?” a servant asked, offering a tray of champagne to Luke.

He hesitated a moment, and then took one of the flutes. All around him, people seemed engaged in conversation, at least those people who were not dancing. That is the very nature of balls.

Even Rodger seemed to be enjoying himself, standing in a corner with Lady Marie and Lord Peter. Luke took a swig of his drink, careful not to finish it.

“I should really make some attempt at socialising.” Luke muttered, but made no effort to join any of the groups around him. “Besides, she will no doubt seek out Rodger, and I have no wish to see her again.”

He refused to look towards the staircase. Emily had not yet been announced, but he knew she would be here. His chest squeezed and he took another drink. I will not see her, not again. Ever since their… moment… in the forest, he had been true to his word and avoided her.

He had taken to calling it their moment, even in his mind, hoping the euphemism would somehow calm the torrent of emotions that stirred within him. He felt prickles spread across his skin, and he turned his thoughts away from Emily.

“All I have to do is get through tonight, by this time tomorrow, I will be back in my own home, and all of this will be behind me.” He muttered to himself.

Unless she marries Rodger. The treacherous voice inside him whispered. A wave of nausea washed over him, mingled with a cold and confusing anger. He tugged at the collar of his shirt.

“Perhaps I should not have had another drink. Maybe a little air would do me good.” He began to walk towards the veranda, carefully weaving his way through the crowd, pausing every so often to give a polite greeting.

Despite the informality of the ball, there were still a large number of people present. Almost all had ties to the Emberly’s either by blood or by marriage. A jovial, delighted excitement bubbled all around them.

It felt stifling to Luke.

“Announcing, Miss Emily Pembleton, daughter of the Viscount of Cotswalts.” The voice stopped Luke in his tracks.

The familiar movement of people and heads towards the stairs was expected. Do not look.

The gasps were not. Do not look.

He turned around, even as every part of him screamed not to. His eyes found Emily, and he understood why everyone had gasped. Though she was undeniably pretty, tonight she was breathtaking.

She wore a stunning gold and green dress, beautifully cut in a way that was both modest and spellbinding. The dress was embroidered with beads that created the illusion of peacock feathers, shimmering in the candlelight around them.

Her hair was the picture of elegance and grace. Every step she took was poised and confident. There was no arrogance, no vanity, just a cool self-assuredness.

“Good evening.” Her voice was gentle and full of warmth as she greeted people around her.

She moved through the crowd and Luke’s eyes followed her. As did many of the eyes of people around him. A man he did not recognise stopped her, and whatever he said made her laugh.

The colour mingled with the chaotic patterns of sound around them. His chest ached and he shook his head. Yet still he could not look away.

She was in front of him then, their eyes meeting for the briefest second. And then she was gone, continuing to wend her way towards her sisters.

“Have you ever seen a dress so magnificent?” a woman whispered to her companion.

“It was eye-catching and yet not gaudy.” Her companion murmured back. “The girl may be many things, but clearly she has taste.”

Luke swallowed, his feet moving almost of their own volition. She did not even greet me. He tried to remind himself that that was what he had wanted. She deserves more than I can give her.

She was standing with her sisters, smiling and laughing. He approached them, knowing he should keep his distance and yet unable to move away.

As his rational mind caught up, Duchess Emberly caught sight of him and waved him towards them. “Duke Warren, I am so glad you have felt well enough to join us this evening. Are you quite recovered from what ailed you?”

Luke nodded, doing his best to smile at Emily’s sister, wrenching his gaze away from Emily with a gargantuan effort. “I am recovered enough. I could hardly avoid a ball in our honour.”

“And are you enjoying yourself? I do not think I have seen you dancing at all.” Duchess Caden gave him a look he could not quite read.

“I have not been introduced to many of the women here, and of those I do know, many seem otherwise engaged.” It was true but not the reason Luke had avoided the dancefloor.

“Ahh, of course! You must forgive me the oversight, dear Duke. I have grown so accustomed to your presence this last fortnight, that I have begun to think of you and your brother as family.” Duchess Emberly gave him a kind smile. “And I know Alexander feels the same.”

“I am touched you think so fondly of us. I have greatly appreciated the warmth with which you have embraced us and invited us into your lives.” Luke replied, his throat suddenly dry.

“I hope we shall see more of you as time goes on.” Duchess Emberly canted her head towards him.

Luke nodded. She is talking about Rodger and Emily. About them marrying. He swallowed, trying to keep his voice even. He knew he should say something, but the words stuck in his throat.

Emily was still not looking at him, instead focusing on her sisters. “Perhaps you should make some introductions for Duke Warren, so that he might grace the dancefloor with his presence.”

The sound of his title on her lips felt like a dagger, and without thinking he found himself saying, “Perhaps, Miss Pembleton, you would do me the honour of a dance?”

Why did I do that? Her eyes met his. For a moment, he thought she would refuse. His heart sped up and he could not tell if he feared the refusal or the acceptance more.

“I suppose I could.” Emily allowed him to take her hand. “After all, we have at the very least been introduced.”

He led her to the dancefloor, the warmth of her hand in his at odds with the coolness on her face. He swallowed. What else did I expect?

The musicians began to play, and he and Emily took up the starting positions. It was a waltz. The notes were a deep purple that mingled with the scent of lavender. He tried to push the patterns away, to focus on something else.

“You look…” Luke trailed off, trying to find the right words. “Wonderful.”

“Thank you.” Emily replied.

He felt her stiffen slightly in his arms. They continued to move together, somehow still perfectly in sync with one another, even as an icy wall spread between them.

“And you are not going to compliment me?” Luke tried to tease, wanting to ease some of the tension.

“Why should I?” Emily’s voice was disinterested, but Luke heard a familiar spark of anger beneath her words.

“I was simply trying to lighten the mood.” Luke shrugged.

“Why?” Emily arched her eyebrows at him.

“Because…” This feels wrong. You feel like a stranger. Luke bit back the words and said, “It does not matter… You have made me see that I was wrong, that I have not behaved well at all.”

Emily canted her head towards him. “What do you mean?”

“I should not have withheld my consent. As you said, I must trust my brother to make his own decisions. You have my blessing to wed.” Luke forced the words from his throat, even as they threatened to stick there.

The words felt like a dagger in his heart, but he knew they were the right ones. She deserves more than whatever fantasy I have allowed myself to indulge in. She would see that eventually. After all, his father had known the truth about him.

I am weak.

Emily swallowed, her eyes meeting his. “Is this really what you want?”

No. “It is the reason we are here.” Luke met her gaze, his heart starting to race.

“You did not answer my question.” Emily pointed out.

A part of Luke wanted to end the dance, to retreat from the situation, but that would cause a scene. I will not allow any more shame to befall her. “I have given you what you wanted, let that be enough.”

“What are you doing?” Emily’s voice was soft, cracking with an emotion Luke could not understand.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. “Why did you ask me to dance?”

“I… I do not know.” It was the truth.

“Was it just to tell me that you wished for me to marry your brother?” her words felt like daggers.

He felt compelled to clarify. “I said that you had my blessing.” Not that I wished for you to marry.

“What do you want, Luke?” she asked, her voice gentle and tender.

She said his name as though it were a caress, and it twisted the knife inside his chest.

His eyes locked with hers, unable to hide the truth from his voice. “For you to be happy.”

“And you think that this will make me happy? That marrying your brother will bring me joy?” Emily’s eyes danced with anger, a searching frustration edging her words.

“He is a good man.” Luke said.

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

Emily let out a frustrated noise, her cool mask breaking. “Was any of it real? Did any of this even matter to you?”

“What do you want me to say?” Luke’s voice felt raw.

“I want you to tell me the truth. You owe me that.” She glared at him.

He shook his head. “I owe you nothing.”

“You know that is not true.” She gave him a meaningful look, and he could practically feel her lips on his.

You behaved dishonourably. He sighed. “You want me to marry you?”

“I have no wish to force myself upon you. I will not be a wife purely because honour demands it.” She fixed him with a steely look, pride and something else radiating off her. “But I am not going to let you just walk away.”

How is she still so breathtaking? He felt as though he were a sailor, thrown overboard in stormy seas.

He croaked. “Why not?”

“Tell me that this meant nothing to you. Tell me that all of this, everything was a lie.” The words hung between them, so quiet they were barely audible above the music. And yet each hit him like a tonne of bricks.

You never lied to me before. Her words came back to him. He could not lie. He did not lie. I must be perfect. “Please do not do this.”

“If honour matters so much to you, then have the decency to answer my question. Answer my question truthfully, and I will consider the matter settled between us.” Emily sounded as though she were simply negotiating a business deal, but he heard a raw, emotional tremor.

“It meant something to me, is that what you want to hear?” He growled, unable to stop himself, breaking his gaze from hers. “Curse me but I did not want it to. Yet how could it not? How could you not? What man could know you, could see you as I have seen you and not…”

“Not what?” Her voice was a whisper.

“You do something to me. You consume my thoughts. You haunt my dreams. Everywhere I turn, you are there. It has been agony not seeing you. The thought of you with another... It has felt like dying. Like I have lost something precious.” His breathing was ragged, but he forced himself to continue. “But none of it matters. None of how I feel changes things.”

“Of course it does.” Her eyes were full of passion and determination, and that made Luke feel even more desperate.

“It does not.” Luke said miserably. “I cannot be the man you want me to be. I cannot give you all that you deserve and all that you desire.”

“Cannot, or will not?” Emily asked.

There was a beat of silence. And then another. Luke’s blood thundered in his ears. Every part of him wanted to say there was no difference, but that would not be true.

Instead, he took a steadying breath and said, “I will not. There will be nothing between us. There can be nothing between us.”

Emily’s face was a mask, and she nodded, her jaw tight. “You know, I have thought you many things since we have come to know one another. But I did not think you a coward. Yet once more you prove you are full of surprises.”

“Then we are both right. I am a coward. And you should not be with such a man.” Luke felt something slam into place within him. Ice filled his veins, and a wall hardened around his heart. She does not want me, only the idea of me. “At last, you have seen the truth.”

“May your conviction in your rectitude comfort you.” The cool exterior vanished, and Luke saw pain and something he could not quite place flit across her face. “I know it offers little to me.”

Before Luke could say another word, the music ended, and Emily left. He clenched his fist, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. He turned away from her, and strode into the gardens.

He had already shown just how weak he was. He could not trust himself not to indulge in it. He had known that he would never marry, that he would not pollute his family line.

Father was right. A stronger man, a better man, would not be in this situation. He would have resisted Emily. He would have done the right thing as soon as he realised all that she could offer as duchess. He would have stood aside, and allowed her and his brother to flourish.

“I am not a good man.” Luke murmured to himself as he walked into the night. “And now she knows the truth.”

Her look, the one he could not quite place. He knew what it was, it was disappointment. He had failed her, just as he had failed all his life. He was right, but there was no comfort to be found in it.

“Luke?” Rodger’s voice sounded behind him.

He whirled round, and Rodger took a step back. “Are you all right?”

“I am fine.” Luke waved his hand, hating the catch in his voice. “I just… I needed some air.”

“Usually it is me who needs a break from the festivities.” Rodger squeezed his shoulder gently. “It is unlike you to lose your composure so.”

“I fear I have not been myself these past few days. But that is all ended now.” Luke ran a hand through his hair. “I have seen the truth of things. And I will put them right.”

“What do you mean?”

“You are a good man. You have always been and always will be, a good man.”

“As are you.”

“I am not. I am weak. But that does not matter now.”

“Brother, I-”

“I should not have tried to control your life so. I should have trusted you from the beginning.” “I have done to you what our parents did to me, and that was not fair. I have failed you.”

“You have not failed me, do not say such a thing.”

“I have, though you are kind to say I have not. To hold my approval above your head, to make you struggle to earn such a thing… That can only cause pain.”

“I know how important our family name is. I know the burden of running a duchy and the necessity that we leave a legacy to be proud of.”

“I have only ever wanted to be worthy of our name.”

“You are worthy of the name, you always have been.”

The smell of lavender floated to the front of his mind, and he remembered the feel of Emily’s lips against his. He grimaced and gave his brother a sad smile.

“I am trying to be.” He said. “Which is why I want to give you the freedom and trust you deserve.”

“You give me plenty of that. You have never forced me to do anything. I have only ever wanted to make you proud.”

“You do make me proud. And the thing that would make me most proud…” Luke swallowed, a wave of nausea and pain threatening to overwhelm him.

He pushed it violently away and continued, “You have my blessing to marry whomever you choose. You came to me a few days ago, asking for advice in matters of the heart. I take it that you are in love with…”

He could not bring himself to say her name, not as he saw Rodger’s face in the moonlight. The hope written across it.

“I am in love but…” Rodger looked away from him, and Luke guessed he was embarrassed.

We are not accustomed to being so open with one another. Luke tried to make his voice sound light, but firm. “There is no but. Marry the woman you love, that will make me proud. That is the best thing you can do for our family, for the duchy.”

Luke was not certain that Emily loved his brother, but surely in time she would? His brother was certainly in love, and excited by it too. What if she turns him down?

Shame threatened to overcome him at the hope he felt at the thought. Why would he want his brother to feel the sting of rejection? Let his love be enough.

“Do you mean it brother? You wish me to marry for love?” Rodger asked.

“I do.” Luke nodded, swallowing hard.

An unreadable expression crossed Rodger’s face. “You have given me a lot to think about.”

“It is a big decision, I would be worried if you did not take some time to consider it.” Luke sighed. “You should return to the ball. Enjoy the night.”

“And what about you?” he asked.

“I should prepare for our departure.” Luke gave his brother an affectionate pat on the shoulder. “I will see you in the morning, little brother.”

Rodger gave him a searching look. “Are you sure you are all right?”

“No. But I will be.” Luke replied. I will have to be.

He turned from his brother, and walked away. Tomorrow everything would return to normal. He would leave the chaos and excitement of Emberly castle.

He was going home.