Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“ M iss Emily? It is time for breakfast.” Lucy said opening the curtains.

Sunlight filtered into the room, and Emily turned from it. Her chest ached. Her throat was dry and raspy. She could feel how puffy her eyes were.

She had spent the whole night crying. As soon as her dance with the Duke had finished, she had fled. It had felt as though the world were crashing down around her.

She had not bothered to make any excuses, instead sending Lucy to tell the others that she was unwell. She had pretended to be asleep when her sisters and Natalie had come to check on her.

“I am not hungry.” Emily said.

Luke would be at breakfast. She may have been able to hold herself together for their dance, but she was too raw to do so again. The thought of seeing him filled her chest with icy knives.

“He will not choose me.” She shook her head.

“Miss, you must eat.” Lucy looked at her, a crease in her brow. “Perhaps I can bring you something if you are still feeling poorly.”

“I do not feel well enough to eat.” Emily said.

“Is it your stomach? I shall have the cook brew some peppermint tea, and see if anything plain can be made.” Lucy nodded to herself.

Emily knew that to argue would only keep her maid there longer. I just want to be left alone. She nodded, and tried to look grateful as Lucy swept from the room.

Fresh tears pricked at her eyes, and Emily brushed them away furiously. She rubbed at her chest, trying to sooth some of her aching muscles.

She started to shiver again, and wrapped a dressing gown around herself. She moved to the fire, aimlessly poking at it. It sputtered and a flame kindled. The warmth did nothing for the emptiness settling through her.

There was a knock at the door, and a moment later, Natalie’s voice said, “Emily, Lucy said you were still not feeling very well. We missed you at the rest of the ball.”

“We have brought you some breakfast.” Jane’s voice joined Natalie’s and Emily’s chest constricted.

I do not want them to see me like this. In her mind, she pictured their well meaning looks, imagined the pity creeping across their faces as they realised just how pathetic she was being.

“I am not hungry.” Emily called, her voice hoarse.

“You are always hungry! Something must be terribly wrong if you are not.” Jane sounded worried.

“I will eat later.” The thought of food made her stomach turn violently. “Please, do not worry yourselves.”

“Emily, you are worrying us. This is most unlike you.” Natalie said.

Emily could hear murmuring, but could not make out what was being said through the door. She thought about getting up, showing them her face, but they would see her red-rimmed eyes.

“Is it your head? Is it the accident?” Jane asked. “Shall we send for the physician?”

“No. It… It is nothing, please. I just…” Emily’s voice broke as her mind replayed her conversation with Luke.

I will not. His words crushed her heart again. Her breath became ragged, and a cry escaped her before she could stop it. She shook, digging her fingers into her arms as she tried to contain the tears. There will be nothing between us.

“Emily, please! Can we come in?” Natalie’s voice sounded panicked.

Emily could not answer. Each breath felt like a fight. The room began to swim.

“We can hear you crying! Oh, sister, please let us in.” Jane’s voice called through the door.

Everything was spinning. Her heart thundered in her chest. Was this normal? How is one body supposed to cope with so much? She had been rejected all of her life. And yet, this one.

It had broken something within her. She consumed his thoughts, haunted him. That is what he had said. And even with that passion… He would not choose me.

She hated that she wanted him to. Hated that instead, he had told her to marry his brother.

“What is happening?” Rose had joined the other two.

“Emily will not open the door.” Natalie replied. “I am worried about her.”

“Is it locked?” Rose asked.

“I did not want to intrude.” Natalie’s voice was uncertain.

Emily could picture the determined, maternal look on her sister’s face and felt fresh shame wash over her.

“My sister is crying, and I am not about to let her weather whatever this storm is alone.” Rose said.

A moment later, the door burst open and Jane, Rose and Natalie all walked into the room. They gasped as soon as they saw Emily. She opened her mouth, trying to reassure them, but the smell of amber caught her off guard.

Her lip trembled.

“Oh, Emily.” Rose caught her in a hug, pulling her close and stroking her hair. “Oh, my darling little sister.”

She shook in her sister’s arms, sobbing. She could not stop. She could scarcely breathe. Everything was agony. It was all too much. Jane and Natalie were beside her, each holding one of her hands.

“He gave me his blessing.” Emily choked out.

“What?” Natalie frowned.

“L- the Duke.” She could not bring herself to say his name. “He told me that I could marry Lord Baine.”

“But surely that is a good thing?” Jane sounded confused.

Emily shook her head, wiping tears away with her sleeve. Natalie handed her a handkerchief.

“You do not wish to marry Lord Baine, do you?” Rose asked softly.

“I do not want to be a burden. I know you feel obligated to care for me, after all I am your sister.” Emily shifted out of Rose’s embrace, walking to the window and crossing her arms across her chest. “I am not trying to be ungrateful.”

Jane moved towards her, turning her to face them. “We do not want you to be grateful, we want you to be happy!”

“We should not have put such pressure on you.” Rose shook her head.

“But you were right. You cannot support me forever, and you should not have to.” Emily swallowed. “I will think of a plan. I will not be a bother.”

“A bother?” Natalie shook her head. “I already told you that even if Lord Baine does not marry you I will look after you.”

Emily smiled at her friend. “You are only sixteen, I expect you will feel differently once you have your own husband.”

“Why on Earth would I think differently? You are basically my sister.” Natalie’s brow furrowed even more. “One does not simply cast off one’s family because they are married.”

“We will support you as well, always.” Rose added.

Emily swallowed. “I do not want you to have to.”

“You are our sister, we will always look after you.” Jane took her hand.

The words stung. “Because you have to.”

“Because we love you, you fool.” Rose exclaimed.

“Only because we are related.” Fresh tears pricked her eyes, but Emily could not stop the words pouring out of her. “It is only obligation that keeps any of you here.”

“I am not related to you. And I still love you.” Natalie said. “And there is no obligation on me to do so.”

“And we would love you even if you were not our flesh and blood.” Rose added.

Emily looked at the three women gathered around her, taking in their mix of hurt, amusement and exasperation. “You would?”

“Of course we would! How can you doubt that?” Jane shook her head, her voice breaking.

“Is that why you have always been so fiercely independent? Because you thought we only cared for you out of obligation?” Rose put a finger to her lips thoughtfully.

“I…” Emily trailed off. “Yes.”

“Oh, my dearest Emily. I am so, so very sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way.” Jane pulled her into an embrace. “It has always felt like you did not want our help, that perhaps you did not need it.”

“It is why we were so excited when we thought we had found you a match.” Rose added. “It felt like we could finally do something for you.”

Emily swallowed, but could not make herself speak.

Rose squeezed her hand, “You must know, that I would love you even if you were not my sister. How could anyone know you and not want you in their lives?”

Blue eyes flashed in Emily’s mind, but she forced herself not to say that clearly plenty of people could feel that way.

“You bring such joy to our lives. Even when we do not necessarily want it.” Jane gave her a playful poke in the ribs, tickling her as she had done when they were children.

Emily could not help but smile. “It was nice to be able to do something for you. Instead of always being the one people are looking after.”

“It is easy to forget that you are a woman full grown, and not just our little sister.” Rose said. “But you are both.”

“I have always admired that you know who you are. You have been rebellious and so confident in yourself, in ways I could only dream of.” Jane gave her a serious look. “You helped me find myself again, and I will be forever grateful for that.”

Emily felt tears fill her eyes again, but knew they were not the same tears of sadness. A warmth coursed through her chest, and she felt full. They love me.

“I know a little bit about being the baby of the family.” Natalie shrugged and ran a hand through her hair, a seriousness in her voice. “And it is easy to feel unseen by those around us. Peter and I are not children anymore, but sometimes it feels like people still see us like that.”

“I do not see you as a child.” Emily said.

“I know you do not. That is why I so appreciate our friendship. You make me feel seen, and I would hope to do the same to you.” Natalie nodded to her. “Even if you were not my sister-in-law, I would want to be your friend. Life is so much better with you in it.”

“You see? You are not an obligation. You are a wonderful, cherished person.” Rose smiled warmly at her.

“You just need to let us in.” Natalie added.

Jane nodded her agreement. “We will always be there to catch you if you fall.”

“And we know you can pick yourself up, but you do not have to do it alone.” Natalie gestured around them.

“Thank you.” Emily breathed.

“I know that you are not fond of letter writing, so perhaps we should simply arrange to see each other more regularly?” Rose canted her head towards her. “It would be nice to be more involved in one another’s lives.”

“I would like that.” Emily gave them a watery smile.

“We can visit you, you should not always have to come and visit us.” Jane said, and Emily could see her working out logistics in her head.

“But what about the children?” Emily asked.

“A day trip here and there will not hurt them, and their fathers dote on them.” Rose made a dismissive gesture.

“Besides, you are just as important.” Jane said, emphatically, adding in a stage whisper, “and sometimes it is nice to get a break from it all.”

Emily laughed.

“And I do not have any children. So it will be much easier for us to visit each other.” Natalie bobbed up and down with excitement. “And I will need your help for my first season.”

“I am not sure that you want my help, my dearest Natalie, after all, I am hardly the shining example of success.” Emily felt shame threatening to overcome her again.

Natalie made a warding off motion with her hand. “I can think of no one I would rather at my side. Perhaps we can be spinsters together!”

Before anyone could say anything else, there was a knock at the door.

“That is probably Lucy with breakfast.” Emily’s stomach gave a disgruntled gurgle.

“I’ll let her in.” Natalie rushed over to the door, opened it and let out a startled gasp. “Lord Baine?”

Emily’s head whipped around. Sure enough, there was Lord Baine, standing in the doorway. His cheeks were flushed, and he was shifting from foot to foot.

“I wondered if I might have a word with Miss Pembleton. In private.” Lord Baine flushed as he said the last part.

Rose gave Emily a curious look. She knew that if she asked, her sister would deny Lord Baine’s request. She looked at the man, then back at her sisters.

“We will always support you.” Jane smiled encouragingly at her. “We trust you.”

Emily nodded. “Very well Lord Baine, let’s talk.”

The others filed out of the room, and as Emily watched them go, she felt an odd peace settle over her. She was loved. And she would be supported, no matter what she decided.

It is time to choose for myself.