Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

A s soon as she had felt Luke’s lips on hers, nothing else had seemed to matter. All the passing moments between them, all those little stabs of emotion she had not let herself feel.

The reason the thought of marrying his brother made her itch. The reason she had been so excited to share everything with Luke. She had feelings for him.

“I can’t do this.” Luke’s words came to her, punching through her haze of exhilaration.

And then he was gone.

Emily shook her head. She felt as though she were looking at the world through a fish bowl.

“What just happened?” she touched a finger to her lips. “He… He kissed me.”

She could still feel the warmth of him against her, still feel his arms around her. But he was not there. Rage flooded her. How dare he kiss me and then run away?

“No.” Emily clenched her hands into fists. “No. Whatever is happening between us, I am sick of dancing around it. He does not get to kiss me and then run away.”

She stormed in the direction she was sure he had gone. Emily was not sure what she would do when she found him. One part of her wanted to hit him, another wanted to kiss him again. She decided that she would make her mind up when she found the dratted man.

She found him leaning against a tree in a clearing, his head in his hands. He was breathing heavily. Her heart twisted, but she refused to give in.

She stormed towards him, letting her anger over take her. “What exactly do you think you are doing?”

He lifted his head as he saw her approaching and for a moment, she thought he would leave again.

“If you run again, I will only follow you.” Emily said.

Luke seemed to deflate. “Please, leave me alone.”

“I am not going to leave you alone. Not until I understand what just happened.” Emily’s heart pounded in her chest.

“Why do you need to understand it? What is there to understand?” Luke shot back.

“You kissed me. One moment we were laughing and joking, and the next–” Emily touched her lips, her cheeks colouring.

“I should not have done it.” Luke growled. “I should never have behaved like that. It was… It was not right. It was not proper.”

“If someone had seen us. If anyone found out… The scandal.” Luke shook his head. “You know what they would force us to do.”

“You say that as though it would be a death sentence.” Emily said icily. “As though the thought of being with me could not be more repugnant. And I do not understand.”

“You know that I cannot marry you.” Luke replied.

His breathing had slowed and he was standing up straighter. The wildness that had been in his eyes moments before was abating, and a familiar cool settled between them.

“Then why did you do it?” Emily asked, clenching her fists. “Were you just taking advantage of me?”

“Do you think I would do that?” Luke asked, and Emily saw that his cold facade was not yet fully in place.

I will not let him shove down his emotions. I will not let him run. Not now. “I did not. But… I do not know what to think.” She said moving towards him. “We need to talk about this.”

“There is nothing to talk about.” Luke said.

“Clearly there is.” Emily fumed, gesturing around them. “Why are you so desperate to avoid this?”

“Why will you not just leave me alone?” Luke shot back, glaring at her.

“How can I leave you alone? I do not understand this, any of this. And there is only one person who can help me and that is you.” She resisted the urge to jab him hard in the chest.

He waved her away, sounding as though he were trying to convince himself of his words more than her. “There is nothing to discuss. There is nothing to understand.”

“How can you say that? We kissed, we kissed—Luke.” She said his name deliberately, savouring it in her mouth. “That changes everything.”

He flinched. “It changes nothing.”

There was a beat of silence, as Emily wrestled with a hundred thoughts. She wanted to yell that he had no honour, but she knew that was a lie. I do not want to force him to be with me. I want him to choose me.

By the rules of propriety, he should propose. It was the honourable thing to do, but that was not what Emily wanted. He knows that, but he is not proposing.

She needed to understand what it meant. How could someone like Luke kiss her and then not propose? Why did he look so torn and wretched?

He pressed his fingers into his temples, his voice shaky as he said, “We will simply pretend it never happened, and we can go back to our lives and everything will be well again.”

Emily felt as though all the air had left her lungs. He does not want me. “Is that truly what you want? To just walk away? To return to your old life?”

“That is all I have ever wanted.” Luke said, but there was a waver in his voice.

“And is it still what you want?” Emily forced herself to say.

Luke met her gaze, his mouth opening and then he turned away. “I was more than content before I met you.”

Before I met you. The words kindled something deep within her. He was content before he met me. “And what about now? Are you still content? Still content to go back to your life, to pretend that everything we have shared. That… Whatever this is, simply does not exist?”

Luke still refused to look at her, every muscle in him rigid with tension. “My happiness does not matter.”

“It matters to me.” Emily’s voice was soft.

“Well, it should not.” Luke whispered back. “I do not understand. What are you doing to me?”

“I am not doing anything to you.” Emily scowled at him. “Or do you mean to suggest that I somehow forced you to kiss me?”

“Of course not.” Luke flushed, but finally looked back at her...

“Then what are you saying, because I do not understand. I do not understand how you can kiss me and then propose that we simply go on as if nothing happened!” Emily shouted.

“Because it was a mistake!” he roared back at her.

Emily recoiled. His words felt like a slap to the face. Anger flared within her, but she saw the look in his eyes, hiding beneath his anger. Shame.

Luke had been right. She was good at reading people.

“Then do you regret it?” Emily asked.

“Yes. No. I do not know.” Luke groaned.

“Do you still want to kiss me?” Emily watched his face, waiting for even the slightest change in his expression.

His jaw twitched, his eyes hardened. “No.”

“You do not mean that.” She said, her voice shaking. “You have not lied to me before, do not start lying now.”

“I should not have done it the first time.” Luke clenched his fist.

“But you did, and that has to mean something.” Emily reached for his hand, but he jerked away from her.

“It cannot mean anything.” Luke’s jaw was tight.

He reminded Emily of a tightly coiled spring, or a piece of rope stretched taught. One strike from severing completely.

“Why not?” Emily asked. “Why can it not mean anything?”

“You know why.” Luke muttered. “You are supposed to marry my brother.”

“Is that what you want?” Emily asked. “Do you want me to marry your brother? You have been opposed to the match from the beginning.”

“It does not matter what I want.” Luke retorted.

“But it does.”

“I cannot marry.”

“Then why did you do it?” she asked. “Why did you kiss me?”

“I-” Luke began but she cut him off, advancing towards him.

“You do not get to kiss me, not like that, and then act as if it were nothing.”

Luke swallowed and Emily continued. “It meant something, it meant something to me. And I know it meant something to you.”

Luke shook his head. “It does not change things.”

“Why did you kiss me?” Emily asked again, taking another step towards him.

Blood roared through her. Her fists were clenched. She was shaking, but her voice was steady. “I know you, I know what kind of man you are.”

“You know nothing about me.” Luke whispered, shaking his head.

“I do.” She insisted.

“I should not have done it.” He growled.

“Why did you?” she was almost level with him. “Or are you too much of a coward to say it?”

“Because I wanted to!” he roared. “Is that what you want to hear? Damn it, I kissed you because I wanted to.”

A thrill filled her. I wanted to. Luke wanted to kiss her. He wanted her. Excitement warred with frustration. She tried to form words, to make sense of it.

But Luke’s next words felt like daggers to her heart.

“It was a moment of weakness. A moment of madness, more like. Because that is what you do to me.” Luke’s voice was a mix of anger and sadness. His shoulders slumped, even as he clenched his fist. “You think that you know everything, that you can just do what you want. But that is not how it works. That is not how any of this works.”

“I never said it was.” Emily said, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “But I do not understand why you are so upset by this? We have done nothing wrong.”

“We have. I have.” Luke insisted, his eyes meeting hers. “You know what happened between us. That kiss. I should never have done it.”

“Why?” Emily gestured around them. You wanted to kiss me. I wanted to kiss you.

“Because I cannot give you what you want.” Luke growled, his eyes wild and angry.

Emily let her own anger spill into her words. “How do you know that? How do you know you cannot give me what I want if you do not even know what that is?”

“I know more than you think.” His words hung between them.

Luke met her gaze, and Emily understood. “It was not a dream, was it? Everything that happened on that ride, when you saved me…”

“I am not in your mind, I cannot know what you imagined and what was real.” Luke shrugged.

“Then why don’t you ask me?” Emily felt a lump form in her throat.

“Why did you not ask me?” Luke countered. “Because you know as well as I the truth of things. You were not in your right mind. You said things you did not mean. And I did not, I will not hold those against you.”

He paused. “I only ask that you do the same for me. Do not hold this madness against me.”

“Is that what you think this was?” Emily narrowed her eyes at him.

“What else could it be?” Luke whispered. “I think it is best that we stop our lessons. You have progressed enough to not need me. Rodger and I will leave in a few days, you need not spend any more time with me.”

“Luke.” She reached towards him, every part of her wanting him to stay.

“I am sorry.” Luke looked at her, and she could see the genuine sadness in his eyes. “I will keep my distance from you. I would ask that you do the same.”

He turned and left before she could say another word.

She shook her head, and followed after him. Her mind buzzing. She was barely aware of where she was going, almost tripping on several routes.

“Emily! There you are!” Natalie’s voice broke into her thoughts. “I thought you might have gotten hurt, I returned to the castle after the last bells, but when you did not return… Are you all right?”

Emily nodded. “Yes… Yes… I… I just got turned around.”

“We won. The Duke and Peter owe us five guineas.” Natalie frowned. “Are you sure you are okay?”

“Yes. Just… That is wonderful.” Emily forced herself to smile. “We shall have to claim our winnings. I take it you were right about the answer to the clue?”

“I was.” Natalie grinned smugly as her stomach let out a growl. “I am famished. Dinner will be soon, we should get changed.”

Emily nodded, forcing herself to smile while Natalie told her about everything she had missed. Once she was in her rooms, she got changed in a daze, Lucy having to correct some item of clothing or another several times.

At dinner, she looked around expectantly, waiting to see Luke in the dining room. But he never appeared. Instead, Lord Baine made his brother’s apologies.

Her heart sank. I would ask that you do the same. Luke was going to avoid her. He was going to let whatever was growing between them die and sputter out.

She thought she would feel despair. After all, had she not just been rejected? Except, that it did not feel like the others. Something about this felt different.

“Because I want him.” Emily whispered to herself. I want him. And he wants me, but what if that is all it is?

“Pardon?” Natalie asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

Emily shook herself. “I was just saying I would like some ham, please, Natalie.”

“Oh of course.” Natalie handed her a slice of ham. “I hope that Duke Warren is not too poorly. It would be a shame if he missed the ball.”

“It would indeed.” Emily agreed, not trusting herself to say any more.

She lapsed into silence, trying to puzzle at her feelings. Luke wanted her, he had admitted that. She had felt it in the passion of their kiss. She wanted him. It feels so strange to admit.

“I know you said that Lord Baine was your last chance, but you must not put such pressure on yourself.” Natalie’s voice jerked Emily to the present. “And even if nothing comes of this, it will not be through any fault of yours.”

“You are too kind, my dearest Natalie.”

“And if he has been a silly enough sausage to let his brother influence him away from you, then I say you should show them both just what they are missing.” Natalie grinned at her.

An idea sprang into her mind, her friend’s words cutting through the fog of Emily’s emotions. So what if he does not want me? She was not as helpless as she had been. She could read now. She was clever. And the scavenger hunt had seen her seven guineas richer.

She thought of the fabric she had chosen, the dress that was waiting for her at the dressmakers. All of the men who had told her she had not been enough flashed in her mind. Ending with a certain, blue-eyed Duke.

He had said he wanted her, and then he had left. No doubt, if she made a fuss or someone discovered what had happened, he would do the honourable thing.

I want to be chosen. The thought seared into her, embedding itself into her very skin. Luke would not choose her. He seemed determined to ignore her. But if she continued on this path of sadness, he would pity her.

“Show them all you have to offer, and they will regret all the chances they never took.” Her mother’s voice filled her mind – it was one of the first things she had said to Emily when she had first entered society.

“Tomorrow, you and I are going to visit the modiste.” Emily smiled conspiratorially at Natalie. “I think there are some last minute additions I would like to make, and now, I have the funds to do so.”

Luke would never choose her, but at the very least, she would show him just what he would be missing.

It will be his loss in the end.

If she thought it often enough, perhaps it would be true.