Capitulum XVII

I sat on the floor, trying to distract myself with coursework while I awaited the cursed red envelope that was sure to slide under my door.

I'd opted to hide out until the next day instead of returning to the scene of the crime to find my foot, so every time I moved, I jumped at the thud of hard plastic at the end of my leg.

Part of me had wanted to go to the Ultor dorm to check on Rigel, but the idea of being around him made my stomach twist. Images of his gaze from the night before danced with Professor Faun's warning.

Has he helped you, or has he indebted you to him?

Not entirely na?ve, I'd had no conviction that Rigel would ever care about me beyond himself or his goals.

But had I not caught flashes of him being genuinely kind? He'd only ever agreed to help me find my history because he wanted my help. It hadn't even sunk in that, by helping in such a colossal way, he'd skewed my perception of him. I'd blindly walked into danger multiple times since. Maybe I was an idiot.

Once the coast seemed clear enough for me to go looking for my foot, I slipped out of my dorm. I tried to appear casual as I breezed into the dining hall and through the stable, though I could tell Sylvette was watching me suspiciously.

"What are you doing?" someone asked, making me leap back.

Turning, I found Connie clutching a woven basket brimming with eggs.

"Looking for you," I said, fighting to appear even-keeled.

"Really?"

I slouched against my cane, hoping to effect a sort of forced casualness, though based on her expression, I was not successful. "Did you happen to maybe find something strange out here?"

"You mean aside from these?" she asked, extending the football-sized eggs.

I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, uh, maybe some spare limbs?"

She eyed me and smirked. "Wild night, then?"

I snorted, my face probably giving away the truth.

"You should ask that groundskeeper," she said, face scrunching. "She seems protective of you."

My ears perked up at the discontent in her voice, like she'd experienced the negative side of this protectiveness.

"What are you talking about?"

She shook her head, hurrying for the dining hall. "It doesn't matter."

I followed after her, struggling to keep up on the plastic foot. "No, you're acting strange, and I want to know why."

"It's unimportant."

I pinched the fabric of her sleeve and forced her to slow down. "What did you and Stacy talk about when we visited?"

It had never occurred to me to ask. Neither party had made any indication of there being anything worth mentioning about the encounter. But it had to have something to do with how Connie behaved.

Her eyes scanned the field like they were afraid to settle on me.

"Was she mean?"

Tears welled in her eyes, but she blinked them away.

"There are just some things about me that I can't explain, even though people want me to. After being trapped for so long, I don't know, it's hard to come out to this new world where everyone treats me like a curiosity or like I should know things that I simply don't."

"What did she say?"

It was hard to imagine Stacy being mean to Connie. She was gruff, but she didn't go out of her way to torment students for sport.

To my surprise, one of her hands came away from the basket and brushed my cheek.

"I really appreciate your friendship, and I want you to know that I would never do anything to cause you harm."

I blinked several times. "Noted."

She nodded, and I could see her wheels turning, but she walked away without further word.

I stood in shock, trying to piece together what had just happened.

Had Stacy accused her of trying to hurt me? What would Connie have possibly done to prompt that? What had happened to her was an awful accident and obviously not something someone would inflict on themselves.

I decided to face the music and began searching for Rigel. Some part of me believed he deserved that, even if I was also about to break it to him that my sleuthing days were over.

First, I went to the Ultor dorm and knocked my cane against his window. When he didn't answer, I tried the door, surprised I was let into his room, which I found empty and trashed.

The few times I'd seen his space, it was almost always chaotic, with piles of books and walls papered with drawings. But it looked like he had given up. His wardrobe had been emptied onto the floor, and the bedsheets had been pulled from the corners of the mattress.

After checking most of the other buildings on campus, I ended up in the cathedral, where that familiar head of glossy black hair sat alone on a pew.

"So, you didn't get expelled after all," I said, groaning as I sat beside him.

"What can I say? I'm just that charming." The words were predictable, but his tone was too somber to sell it. "Not all of us are fucking professors."

I recoiled from him. "Fuck you."

"You're denying it?"

"Even if it was true, whomever I choose to fuck is none of your business."

When he leaned in, his face went right to the hollow of my neck, where Professor Faun had been kissing only a few hours prior. He didn't touch me, but I felt the cool sweep of air against my skin as he inhaled. "You smell like him."

His voice was low, almost a growl.

I pushed him away. "How do you know his scent so well? Are you a basset hound, or have you been fucking him?"

He laughed, settling against the pew and tipping his head up to the painted ceiling. "Oh, if only, then I wouldn't have gotten an earful from Ephraim last night."

"I'm sorry for ditching you."

He shrugged. "It wouldn't have done any good for you to get caught, too."

"What'd he say?"

"She's gone. I need to accept it. It's my job to take care of myself, but if I don't, they'll have no choice but to send me through the door for my own good—the usual."

"So, that's that, then."

I couldn't help but be relieved. Maybe I could avoid doing dangerous errands with him without earning his ire.

But my relief was short-lived.

"What do you mean?"

"It's not like we have anything else to go on anyway. It might just be time to let her go."

Flames erupted behind his eyes as his head whipped around at me. "Let her go?"

"What else can you do, Rigel?"

"I can find her because I'm not a useless idiot like the rest of you."

I blinked. "Well, if you're so uniquely competent, you can have fun finding her on your own." I pushed to my feet, having to steady myself on the false foot before I could move.

"So, you're just giving up?" he asked. "This wasn't just for me, remember? You might be next, for all we know."

"Will I? Because it's been weeks, and I'm completely fine. I was way more at risk helping you find your girlfriend."

I turned to leave, but he pulled me back at the waist, index finger hooking around my belt loop.

"You owe me." That old coldness had returned to his eyes, and my heart dropped. "I could have left you ignorant. I didn't have to give you anything."

"You're very right. And why did you do that, Rigel? It couldn't be because you wanted me to feel indebted to you, right? Because you would never exploit my willingness to blindly help you despite my best interests. That's not like you at all ."

His jaw flexed, but he didn't deny it.

The oddest pang of disappointment washed over me, followed by a wave of humiliation. I hated that I'd wanted Professor Faun to be wrong so badly.

I tried to rip his hand from my belt loop, but his grip tightened. "Is this about the..."

"Oh, brother." I rolled my eyes. "Unfortunately, I have first-hand knowledge of the extent of your recent sexual deprivation. So, no, somehow, I didn't take it personally."

"I suppose I was just thinking... because you did kiss me first."

"That wasn't about you."

I tried to yank my pants free again, but his grip was so tight his knuckles were pale with strain. "You can't just go."

"Unfortunately for you, I most definitely can."

His eyes flicked up to mine, flashing with a cruel coldness. "You don't have anyone else."

I swallowed, hurt once more that my isolation and misery had been beneficial to him.

"I can change that." I yanked again, the fabric tearing with a pop and slipping between his fingers. "But you can't."

I stomped loudly down the aisle, the clunking plastic foot echoing with each step.

"Agnes."

My name was so quiet I was almost sure my brain constructed it from the pounding timbre of my heart.

~

It wasn't until later, after locking myself in my room, that the crushing loneliness tumbled down on me.

I really didn't have anyone anymore. Not that Rigel had ever actually given a shit about me, but at least he'd been pretty good at pretending. It was strange how much I'd relied on the idea of him. It had been relieving to have someone whose agenda always lined up with mine just enough to feel like friendship.

But I looked back on it like a dangerous echo chamber. The ways in which we were similar might not have actually been good. Perhaps I had just liked that the appealing parts of him were so much like the devious parts of myself.

Perhaps I needed to apologize to Arlie. Unfortunately, I would need to be honest with her. I'd been telling myself I hadn't been due to the risk of her passing it on to other people. But considering how much I'd been risking my own safety recently, that was starting to feel more and more like an excuse.

I put on my baggiest clothes so no one could see the outline of the history I had tucked in the front of my pants. Hopefully, it would be dark enough that no one would pay much attention to my angular abdomen.

The last time I'd been in the maze had left its mark on me. My body was tightly strung, ready to lunge at every threat my brain materialized from the shadows. Once I finally stepped into the fire pit, however, I caught my breath. It glowed with firelight, the crackling of laughter following the swirling embers up into the night sky.

Arlie was in the middle of the crowd. As if she could sense my eyes, her gaze lifted. The moment she recognized my shape circling the fire, her face fell.

I stopped a safe distance away, feeling the sudden silence of the group in front of me as if it were a physical barrier. "Can I talk to you?"

Arlie cocked her head. "Why?"

A student beside her snickered.

"Do you have something to say, Reaper?" I hissed, skin prickling with rage.

The Reaper in question, Shane, side-eyed his other friends, who grinned back.

"I suppose it's just funny."

"Why?"

He nodded. "Trouble in paradise?"

I followed his eyes, finding none other than Rigel tucked into the middle of a group of women.

Without Lindy, it appeared he was back on the prowl. At his side, I recognized the Iudex yearling that lived above me, beaming with pride at having successfully snared him.

He wasn't looking at me, but something in his posture told me he pretended not to notice our attention.

"Not feeling so special anymore?" Shane asked, chuckles rippling from the group.

A hot mix of feelings burned inside me, and before I knew it, I was in front of him.

He was taller than me, but once I hooked the handle of my cane around the back of his neck and yanked, we were eye to eye.

"Let go of me, you fucking psycho," Shane said, twisting to escape my grip.

"Why aren't you laughing anymore?" I asked, yanking him harder until he buckled onto his knees. "I thought something was funny ."

A hand appeared on my shoulder, yanking me away from my classmate before I could land any substantial blows.

"Crazy bitch," he spat as the other Reapers pulled him back to his feet.

I lunged at him again, and he flinched, his friends circling him.

"Jesus Christ, Agnes," Arlie muttered in my ear as I was pulled toward the exit.

As we passed, I glanced over just in time to meet Rigel's eyes. At first, I thought he would remain stoical, but then he shot me a small wicked smile before winding his arm around the yearling's shoulders.

He thought he'd won.

Once we emerged into the maze, she finally released me. "Jeez, Agnes, just get on with it, then."

I grappled with where to begin in the big twisting tale of it all. "There are some things I haven't told you."

"I hadn't noticed."

"And I want to tell you, but I need you to understand that it's very important that no one else knows."

"Is this about you fucking Professor Faun? Because everyone suspects that already."

"What?" I choked. "No."

She narrowed her eyes. "If you say so."

I lifted my sweater and pulled the history out of my waistband. When I handed it to her, her face remained hard.

"Please don't tell me this is some kind of I had a hard mortal life sob story nonsense."

"It's not that." I took a breath. "I was purposefully never given my history."

She turned the book over and eyed it carefully, the action flippant and performative.

"That's weird because this definitely has your name on it."

"I had to track it down myself. Someone—or maybe something—didn't want me to have it."

I tried to explain everything as she sat on the ground and flipped through the pages. It was hard to sort through the details without mentioning Professor Faun. I was already shorting my new honesty policy, but that wasn't just my secret to tell.

She finally looked up at me when I had no choice but to say Rigel's name.

Then she chucked the book at my face, and I dropped my cane, trying to catch it before it could permanently break my nose. "Rigel got to know everything, and I didn't?"

"It wasn't my first choice either."

She pointed an accusatory finger at me, yelling, "You suck!"

I raised a hand, looking around to ensure no one had wandered down the maze toward us.

"If anyone knew I was looking for it, much less had it, I'd be in deep shit." When she didn't seem convinced, I tacked on, " Expelled ."

"So, you read this at the end of last year, and that's why you suddenly became a hermit?"

"It was a lot to take in," I said, bending awkwardly to retrieve my cane.

"And you think this has something to do with what happened to Lindy?"

"That's what we've been trying to figure out."

"So, that's why you've been hanging out with him suddenly?" She nodded. "We all just assumed you were a rebound or something."

The mental images from Halloween flashed through my mind, but I blinked them away quickly. "Absolutely not."

"I did wonder why the quality of your company had degenerated so quickly."

"Yeah, well, there you go. You know everything now. You could even get me expelled if you really wanted to, though I would prefer you didn't."

"I'm still mad that you kept me out of the loop. I'm not an idiot. I could have helped. I would have kept your secrets."

"I know. I was just scared."

"Fine, whatever. I'm going back to the party."

She turned and stepped toward the maze entrance.

"Arlie?" I called. "There's another thing I needed to tell you."

She grimaced. "Oh god, what now?"

"I visited Tom and—"

"You what ?"

"He said none of the Reapers had visited him and asked that I pass along his location."

"Why the fuck were you visiting Tom?"

"It's a long story. All you need to know is that he's better now and staying at the infirmary in town. It's in some old decrepit house a few blocks past the square. Can't miss it."

Her brows scrunched together. "Are you being serious?"

I shot her a saccharine grin. "Just tell your stupid, awful friends that the guy they've been vouching for would really like to see them for once."

Surprisingly, that got a snort out of her.

"I'll pass it along."

She turned to leave once more, and I stopped her again, even though my own words made me flinch.

"Does this . . . I mean, are we okay?"

Just before rounding the corner, she glared at me over her shoulder. "I'll think about it."

Thoroughly worn out from the evening, I tucked the history back into my waistband and headed to my dorm.

I wasn't sure if I felt any more confident regarding Arlie's feelings toward me, but I was relieved. The weight of the secrets had been bearing down on me so hard it had begun to feel like gravity.

Back in my room, I kicked off my shoes and jumped when the plastic foot clacked against the floor, having forgotten my foot was still missing. I hadn't felt anything notable from it, so I hoped it hadn't been eaten. For all I knew, Rigel had taken it as revenge.

I flopped down on my bed, begging my brain for a night free from nightmares. That was the one thing I'd received no answers for—the nuisance of dreaming. I envied the other students who could just shut down at the end of the day without fear of being subjected to the terrifying, dark room ride inside their skulls.

Just as I closed my eyes, squeaky, rebounding knocks sounded from overhead. Which only slightly annoyed me before I recognized something in the pattern of it.

No.

Fucking.

Way.

He was an actual psychopath.

~

A few weeks passed with no word from anyone. Arlie still avoided me, Rigel kept me awake every night, and Professor Faun did a great job of ignoring my existence in class.

The frost gathering on my window felt like it was being ushered from within me, as opposed to the changing season. The outdoor classes had grown almost comical, with Professor Beck nearly slipping in the snow while writing on her blackboard. Not to mention Professor Algenette teaching us while swaddled in a bulky mountain of blankets.

It was in one such Object Manipulation 102 class that Arlie finally asked me to be her dueling partner.

I blinked as I set my bags on the bleachers. "Oh, uh, sure."

"Don't think this means you're forgiven."

"Okay," I said hesitantly, following her over to where Professor Algenette was perched next to a wooden crate full of random objects.

We selected a tennis ball and set it on the crispy, frosted grass on the empty side of the field so no one could hear us.

"So, it turns out you didn't lie about Tom," she finally said, sticking a hand out and ushering the ball toward herself.

It shifted with her movement, toddling slowly over the uneven ground.

Halfheartedly, I tried to pull the ball my way but was too caught off guard by her words. "Did you guys finally go and see him, then?"

"A few of the fifth years who are nearby for their residency visited him. They said he had a very forgiving tune."

"I'm shocked they'd admit it." I snorted. "Does this mean the Reapers are going to love me now, too?"

"After nearly decapitating Shane? Unlikely. But they might be embarrassed enough not to make eye contact with you ever again."

She scooped the ball off the ground, which had rolled all the way to her.

"Oh no," I drolled, "how will I ever go on?"

"Anyway, thanks to your honesty, I'm considering being your best friend again." She narrowed her eyes at me. "On one condition. You have to let me help with your wicked little plans. They seem fun."

"You do realize a lot of that entails things that could very well get you expelled, yeah?"

"It's a risk I would happily take if we were, you know, best friends again."

"Oh, well, alright," I agreed as she placed the ball back between us.

"There is another stipulation, actually."

My heart sank.

"What?"

"Well, it was originally going to be that I was allowed to tell Blair everything." She winced. "But I kind of already did, so the stipulation is now that you're not allowed to be mad."

I frowned. "You're really not helping your case regarding your dedication to secrecy."

"But it's Blair. He has to know!"

"Jeez, whatever. Just no one else, all right?"

"Fine." Suddenly, her smile broke open, and her whole posture softened. "Well, I'm glad that's decided. Do you want to eat dinner together?"

Walking into the dining hall and finally sitting with her in our usual booth made me feel lighter than I had in months.

She must have felt very sentimental because she disappeared and returned with a massive plate of thin-cut fries slathered in brown gravy and cheese curds.

We barely had the opportunity to dig in before a crow landed on the table and plucked one out for himself before returning to his comrades on the ceiling. More birds landed around our booth, forcing us to hand them all French fry offerings in exchange for peace.

Halfway through the fries, Blair joined us, wearing a big smile. "Looks like the band is back together."

I plucked a cheese curd off the plate and popped it into my mouth. "She found it in her heart to forgive my transgressions."

Arlie wound her arm around me and planted a big, sloppy kiss on my cheek, which I quickly wiped off. "Yes, I'm such a good person."

Blair leaned in. "So, I hear you were getting into some interesting monkey shines last year."

"And this year," Arlie interjected.

I motioned for them to keep quiet. "Yes, but this is not the ideal venue to discuss it."

"So, what's the plan?"

"What plan?"

"You're looking for Lindy, right?"

I shushed him even louder.

His eyebrow curled. "That's not a crime, is it?"

I glanced at the full room. "You do realize this sort of thing could get you expelled?"

"Arlie already told me." He shrugged. "So, spill—hypothetically, of course."

" Hypothetically , I hit a dead end after visiting the infirmary. All we really know at this point is that whoever took her has the ability to come and go from school grounds, and there's no sign she's still here and no way of telling where she could be otherwise."

"I mean, if she had the same weird secrets you do, maybe they just tossed her through the door already."

I was stunned silent. It hadn't even occurred to me that they might have gotten rid of her in such a permanent way.

"I just don't know what the point of that would be. Obviously, we're being kept around for a purpose. Would simply discovering our past really mean we no longer met that use?"

"I'm just spitballing here." He held up his hands in resignation. "We don't entirely know what was going on for that week after she read it. Maybe she confided in the wrong person."

"Who—"

The sentence caught in my throat when someone approached.

"Hello?"

I looked up to find Connie clutching a mug and a book.

"Hi, Connie," I wheezed.

"May I sit?"

"Yes."

"Do I get to know what has engrossed you all so?"

"We were discussing cruel irony," Blair said before grabbing a fry and swallowing the whole thing. "I died choking on one of these, yet they seem to taste better than ever now."

"I died of food poisoning due to rotten pig brains," she said as she slid into the booth beside me. "Luckily, that doesn't taste pleasant even on a good day."

We all exchanged looks.

"What?" Arlie asked.

"Have you never had pig brains?"

"I thought you said your family cannibalized you?" I asked.

Connie blanched, casting her eyes to the tabletop. "Oh, y-yes, right. That was just a joke."

We laughed to put her at ease, but Arlie's eyes went to mine quickly, probably thinking what I was thinking.

Connie was lying about something.

Arlie kicked my foot, hitting the plastic one and yipping in surprise. "Ouch, what the hell?" She dipped her head below the table. "What are you packing down there?"

"Don't feel bad, Agnes," Blair interjected. "She said the same thing to me the second time we met."

"Gross," I said.

"What does that mean?" Connie asked.

I grimaced. "Don't worry about it."

"Something sexual, then?" She didn't even wait for me to respond before rolling her large eyes. "Time has made all people achingly predictable."

Arlie's hands patted my leg under the table, and I tried to wriggle away from her as she yanked my pant leg up and squeezed my ankle.

"Sorry to disappoint, Cons," I said, kicking at Arlie until she backed off.

"Does this mean you're a virgin, puritan?" Blair asked, eyebrow cocking suggestively.

Her face reddened. "Alas, that is no business of yours."

Arlie's head popped up from under the table. "Your foot is plastic."

"Really?" I gasped dramatically. "I do hope it's not contagious. Otherwise, you'll be forced to mind your own business lest you turn into a mannequin by sundown."

She balked, asking me, "How the hell did you lose your own foot?"

"I'm"—I grappled for an excuse—"having it cleaned."

Arlie pointed an accusatory finger my way. "You promised you wouldn't be all secretive anymore."

"It's just not a big deal. If I really start to get concerned, then you guys will be the first people I come to."

Blair narrowed his eyes. "You do remember what happens when you misplace a limb, yeah?"

"Dude, I get it, really. Just don't raise my blood pressure this early into the academic year. I can't bear it."

"Have you at least checked the lost and found?"

"Lost and found?"

"Yeah, it's in that outbuilding behind the stadium. It's like a catch-all for random stuff. If someone found it, it probably ended up there. You'll have to ask one of the faculty. They're the only ones who have access."

I didn't savor the idea of the inevitable verbal lashing I was likely to receive from Stacy if she found out. Luckily, I didn't think it would ever get that far because I was sure I knew who had it.