Chapter Forty-Eight

Imissed breakfast deliberately, calling room service. As I said the day before, I couldn't see Alice anymore.

I walked to the bus and sat by Olga's side. She looked at my face and smiled gently.

"Everything is going to be fine," she said quietly.

I nodded. As it was a work trip, Alice wouldn't be there.

Nirved sped us through the streets of Sri Lanka to the coworking center and, as we filed into the office, the meeting started. My colleagues discussed the future tasks, while I listened, trying to avoid looking at Benjamin. I felt guilty for that second when I kissed her back. It was extremely difficult to focus on work because I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to be away, to go home.

Finally, when I gathered the courage to look at Benjamin, he was looking at me. He nodded lightly and stood up.

"Guys, when I first used the app I noticed the small details that were carefully woven into it. And now that I've met all of you, I see that it could not be different. With such a dedicated team, something beautiful was bound to happen. I hope I've shown you the pros of working remotely, of traveling while working, and now, with pride and confidence, I transfer you to Samantha, who will manage the project further. She's great, you'll meet her in the office soon for a few meetings when you're back, and then we're going remote. It was great meeting you all," he said and looked at each of us, his eyes lingering on mine. "And I hope you'll have more ideas, more new fascinating projects, if anything comes to mind run through Samantha. She's skilled at picking up the gems of ideas. I'm proud that you joined my company."

Everyone stood up and clapped. All drama aside, Benjamin was a great leader, thoughtful and encouraging. And I saw in the faces of my team how the trip influenced their professional confidence and, as I clapped, I was proud of them and grateful for him.

We left the coworking space shortly afterward and Nirved drove us to the nearby beach restaurant. The setting was simple, plastic chairs and tables, brightly colored paper tablecloths, but it stood at the foot of the ocean. The night storm changed to a calm whisper. I nervously looked around, but Alice was nowhere to be found. I heard Jessica asking about her, and Benjamin replied that she was not feeling well.

I didn't want to face her after the day before. It was hard already, draining. I'd tried to forget and move on, but then it was all rushing back.

I would do my utmost to avoid her until the end of the trip. I had nothing left to say.

When we sat around a table, which was assembled from four plastic tables, and a variety of brightly colored fish was served, the waiter explained that it was caught only that night.

I looked at Benjamin. He was different, and as hard as he tried to be cheerful, I saw how his hands trembled. He wanted to be with Alice, but he needed to be with us. So, when our eyes met, I lightly turned my head to the exit and whispered: "Go."

He looked at me a moment longer and nodded. He stayed for twenty more minutes and then stood up.

"I need to go; Alice isn't feeling well today and I'm worried. Is it okay that I leave you here? Nirved will drive me back to the hotel and will return for all of you," Benjamin said.

Everyone murmured an agreement and wished Alice well.

"Thanks, see you later."

"He's such a gentleman," Jessica whispered when Benjamin disappeared around the corner.

"Is there a chance you're the reason why Alice isn't well?" Olga whispered in my ear.

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied, shaking my head.

I focused on the moment, on the fish on my plate, on the conversation around me. Everyone was talking about the things they liked there, later the discussion flowed back to work, and in that exchange, I took a bigger part. I was there for work in the first place.

It was twilight when we exited the restaurant, and I asked if anyone wanted to go to the bar. I wanted to stay away from the hotel as long as possible. Because I hurt Alice yesterday, and I didn't trust myself not to try to fix it. She had Benjamin, he'd care for her.

I asked Nirved for directions to the closest beach bar, and we walked by the water's edge barefoot, talking about nothing in particular. There were five of us, and as they told me the countries they wanted to visit, I thought about how I wanted to be back home. Out of the sheer mess. So when a jolly-looking bartender poured us shots, and then one more round, and one more, it was a relief, the alcohol taking the edge off reality, the sounds of the ocean turning louder, the stress muting.

After hours on that beach, we finally called Nirved to pick us up. The world tilted when I was climbing into the bus, and I slipped, a jolting pain on my wrist bringing me back.

I needed to sober up, or I needed to get to my bed, fast.

As Nirved looked back at us from his driver"s seat, he shook his head and drove in a different direction from the hotel. He called someone and quickly said something unintelligible.

The bus stopped at the closed shop, but a sleepy man appeared by its door. Nirved asked us to wait inside the bus, and he hugged the man and walked inside the shop. A few minutes later he appeared with five cups of a yellow substance. He climbed inside and gave each of us a cup.

"Drink, you'll be sober before we get back to the hotel," he said.

We did. It was a mix of juice with a hint of spice and something hot tickled my tongue. I closed my eyes as he drove us back and sipped the concoction. It was refreshing and cleared my thoughts.

"Wow," Olga whispered by my side as she sipped from her cup.

We giggled.

Nirved was right, I sobered up by the moment we got out of the bus. As Jessica asked him what was inside the drink, I bid everyone goodnight. With sobriety came a strong need for a shower. I had sand everywhere, again. It clung to my body, the skin moist from the humidity.

As I walked by the hotel lobby, I saw the familiar shape of a man sitting at the hotel bar. Benjamin's head was lowered, his fingers clutching the glass in front of him. My heart ached for the man, but the best here was for me to get away as soon as possible. My plan for the next day was to stay in my bungalow and read. I couldn't run the risk of bumping into Alice.

So, I sped up past the lobby, hoping Benjamin didn't see me.

When I was inside the bungalow, I fished out my nightie and went straight into the shower, discarding my clothes as I went.

It was heaven, the cool water flowing down my face, neck, and body. I stood there turned to face the faucet, my palms on the tile in front of me. I thought about Arthur, and how maybe it would be possible to have a phone call, not the delayed texts that came out of order, making it difficult to understand.

So, when I was finally out of the shower, I put on my silk nightie and went to the bedroom. I clutched my phone close to my ear, listening to the call going unanswered again.

I texted Arthur asking if he was okay.

As I tapped the Send button, the front door to my bungalow opened. I had made a bad habit of not locking it, after seeing how safe the hotel was.

Alice walked into my bedroom. She was swaying a little, a light gray kimono similar to the one she wore years before was draped around her frame.

"Alice," I sighed.

And the thing with her was that I could not feel angry for the intrusion, and with a pang of my heart I realized something warm was spreading inside me at the sight of her.

"I don't believe you," she said quietly, her voice soft.

But before I could reply she walked to me and pressed her finger to my lips.

"Please let me speak," she said.

Before she removed it, she looked at my lips and sighed.

"I was elated to see you. I thought I would apologize, we'd talk and everything would be peachy," Alice said, and I realized she was a bit drunk, her words slurring. "When I saw you, it was as though the years turned back. I realized I still loved you. You morphed into this new sophisticated person, stronger than before, and even though I was still in love with the old version of you, I fell for the new one too. But as the days went by, this new version opened to me, as much as you fought, the little signs betrayed you. You watched me, and those accidental touches …"

I was breathing in the sweet vanilla because Alice stood so close, and when she lowered her gaze, she smiled softly. Her fingers gently touched the skin on my neck, sliding down to my collarbone, and slowly, to my breast. She circled it, barely touching the silk of my nightie.

"Don't tell me you don't want it, it would be a lie," she whispered, as her fingers closed on the bump of my nipple.

She was right, I knew how it would feel, her lips grazing my skin, how she would melt, how her lips tasted on mine after she devoured me. We had had it all before, but it was all in the past.

"I'm yours, Emily."

Those words set something loose in me, because there was me, and there was the girl that got left behind. And she craved for it, the nights she screamed herself to sleep, not because of the death of a brother, but the loss of a sister.

"I love you, Emily. Please take me back, we can figure it out. Don't deny this," she said, and lowered her hand, lightly rubbing it between my legs. Even through the shorts, I felt the fire.

And for a moment the me from the past prevailed, she wanted to touch Alice, to cut the distance and drown in her. But I was not her anymore.

"No," I stepped back. "I loved you so much, with every cell of my body, with the unending vastness of my useless soul. But you left me, in your pain, you left me there alone. And from that moment the crack in my love for you only grew larger, I barely survived the agony. I would have given everything, and I mean it, everything, to have you back. I would be yours, completely. But with your absence, you killed my love, Alice. You left me and my love didn't survive it."

She was crying, her eyes never leaving mine, as pools of gray overflowed with pain.

"I'm sorry, but what you see now in me is my body remembering what it meant to touch you and be touched by you. But as my body responds, my heart is shut," I said.

She wiped her tears with a swift motion. And then she untied the kimono and dropped it to the floor. My eyes dropped to her breasts, the familiar lines, the images of the past rushing back.

"If it's only your body talking, I'm okay with it, you can have me. If it's only just this once, please," she whispered, "please, touch me."

Light steps sounded from the front door, and someone entered the room. Someone tall, with a black leather bag in his hands, someone whose eyes found mine, a familiar blue.

"The door was open, so I …" Arthur said, but then he looked around. "Oh."

I saw his gaze following the trail of my discarded clothes on the floor, the one I had left before going into the shower, on the woman who stood only in minuscule jean shorts close to me. I watched his gaze following her naked back, and when she rushed to pick up her clothes, he saw her face.

A dawning understanding clouded his bright eyes. I saw how his jaw tensed.

"Sorry for the interruption, you can continue," he said and gestured to us, "whatever you were doing."

Arthur turned around and walked away, his stride wide.

"No, no, no, no," I whispered and rushed to him. But he was fast, so I had to run to catch up with him. Something cut into the bare sole of my foot, but I kept running. Finally, I was in front of him and placed my hand to his chest.

"Please wait," I said, breathing hard, "let me explain."

He shook his head. "There is nothing to explain, Emily. I saw what I needed to see, it was Alice, right?"

I nodded. "But …"

"When would you tell me? Or judging by those texts you wanted to keep us both. How would it work?"

"No, it's not what you're thinking?—"

"God," he whispered as he shook his head, "I thought we were something. I believed in our future. What a fool."

Arthur rubbed his eyes and opened his bag, he fished a few sheets of paper and thrust them into my hands.

"You can read them or burn them. Goodbye, Emily."

He turned and started walking away.

My chest burned, but as I tried to say something, anything to stop him, my throat closed bringing up only a whimper. But I ran after him, the soles of my feet screaming.

"Arthur, please, let me explain."

He stopped and turned to me. There was so much pain in his eyes. He dropped his head.

"Just read the pages, Emily. And afterward, you know where to find me."

He started walking again. And that time I stared at his back, wet tears running down my cheeks.

I looked at the pages in my hand and walked to the nearest lamp, hunching down to see the words.

It all blurred, as I tried to make sense of the words. Trust, relationship, closeness—the words that jumped at me.

I stood up and limped back to my bungalow, the numb daze clouding my vision. I was so tired, and my heart hurt, and I still could not believe how fast it had all happened, and how unbelievably stupid it all was.

Alice was sitting on my bed, clothed.

"Now I understand," she said quietly. "There really was no place for me anymore in your life, because you are already in love. And, as we learned earlier, you can't love two people at the same time."

I sat on the settee and dropped my head into my hands.

"Oh, God, you're bleeding," she whispered.

When I lifted my head, I saw a bloody trail on the tiled floor that stopped right at my feet. I didn't care.

"Come," Alice said gently and took my hand, she pulled me up, and led me to the bathroom. She sat me on the edge of the tub and found a medical kit under the sink. She sat on the edge next to me and helped me flip the leg into a bathtub. I was like a ragged doll, the tears still falling.

Alice cleaned the wound, then applied something that stung and bandaged my leg. All that time I sat quietly.

"I'm sorry," Alice said finally. "I didn't know he was coming, I didn't know you loved someone, I just wanted you back. I still want that."

She looked at me.

"But there is no way, am I right?" she whispered so very quietly.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry it all happened; I'm sorry about a lot of things. It started from when I betrayed Jake by loving you, I'm sorry that when he died it almost killed us both, I'm sorry it killed my love. I thought I was not able to love anymore, but then Arthur came, and it all slowly changed. I'm sorry I can't love you back. I'm sorry you are feeling this way for me. I'm sorry for Benjamin, he cares for you so deeply, and I just hope that you can figure your way out of the past. I'm just so, so sorry. Please, let me go, Alice."

She sniffed by my side, and then she flung her arms around me. For a second I thought she was going to kiss me, but she didn't. She hugged me.

I buried my nose in her hair, knowing that it would be the last time. I hugged her back.

Alice was the first to let go. She stood up, and looked back at me. Tears were pooling in the corners of her eyes.

"I'm sorry I wasn't around when you needed me the most. Goodbye, Emily."

That was the second time someone had bid farewell to me that night, but that time it felt lighter, the release both of us needed.

"Goodbye, Alice."

She looked at me for a moment longer, then turned away and disappeared into the hallway. Seconds later the front door quietly shut.