Chapter Forty-Nine

Ilimped back to the bed and sat on the edge. I took Arthur's papers and started to read.

Dear Emily,

You don't know this about me yet, but I journal. Every morning I write my plans, my thoughts, and the things that worry me in a dark blue notebook. By now you know almost everything about me, but I assume I don't know as many things about you.

So now as I sit on my second flight after the connection from Tokyo to Colombo, I am so nervous that I decided to write. You probably won't even see this letter. I hope you won't see it, because I'm coming to Sri Lanka to tell you all this in person.

Don't you think it's crazy? I assure you, I'm not the stalking type, but when you told me the love of your life was there, and when your texts and calls dwindled, when I couldn't reach you, I was worried sick. I didn't want our relationship to die because of some misunderstanding or miscommunication. But with every call you didn't pick up, I had a dark vision of you and that blondie, together.

I'm not the jealous type, either. But you loved her so much, I remember how you told me your story.

But she left you. Even if it was in her greatest pain, she still left you.

And I hope you won't be manipulated back into that relationship. And even if you decided to go back to her, I need you to know how I feel about you.

So, as I'm saying that I'm not a stalking or jealous type, I'm still flying to see you on your working trip. God, I'm pathetic.

And even as I fly in first-class (you would call me posh again), I'm feeling uneasy, because I'm scared. The fear is gripping my insides, making it difficult to take a breath. I worry that I might be too late.

I promise you, I'm not a person who overreacts. But you loved her, and the only thing that broke your relationship was the death of Jacob. I honestly think that if he was still alive, you three would have figured it out. I think you'd still be with Alice. And now, she is the reason you are in Sri Lanka. And I'm sure she didn't plan all this just to drink tea with you. She wants you back.

And before you decide anything, I need you to know one thing about me you still don't know. I fell in love with you.

Here, I wrote it down, now I just hope I'll have the courage to say it to you when I see you. Even if I don't, I still can give you these pages. Maybe I should highlight the words so you won't spend time reading all my gibberish.

I love you.

I won't explain here how it started with small things, with your laugh, with the tilt of your head, how it was easy, and so so warm inside me.

And if this work trip was just a normal trip I already had a plan for us. If you want to travel, I will travel with you. I'm wrapping up this project and then I'm free. I vowed not to take this kind of work again because it's all-consuming. Before I met you it was fine, I hid behind the work, I made myself busy, hating the time I spent at home. Because home, I was told, should feel different. Not an empty place to binge-watch series. Home is where your people are.

Call me romantic, or a fool, but I wanted to make a home with you. Yeah, yeah, it's too early. But I think we can do it. If you want to, of course.

Before the trip, I had a chance in building a life with you. Do I have it now?

I hate Alice, even though I've never met her, I hate her. She had you, and she blew her chance. But, and I may be just a hypocrite, I think that whatever happens, I won't betray you. That if something similar happened to us, I would never turn my back on you. But there is no way of knowing that, right? So whatever happens between us, I promise I will do my best to stay close.

Because, unlike Alice, I know what my life is without you.

I can live it. But with you in my life, it's so much brighter.

And I hope that you feel just a fraction of what I feel toward you. Because it will be enough. I might stand a chance against her.

I traveled the world, and I'd be so glad to show my favorite nooks in places I've been, and to discover so many more new ones together. I'll work remotely. No more stifling offices and ties, I'd need to make more calls than you, but now the world is so digitized that the companies don't need my presence, providing online support will be enough.

So, whatever you choose.

And one more thing you need to know about me. We never discussed this before but I'm not sure I want kids, Emily.

I hope I will tell you this after you choose me. But if for some inexplicable reason you are reading this instead of me telling you, I just hope it won't be a deal-breaker. Just talk to me, Emily. If your goal is to be a mom eventually, I will choose a life with you anyway. But my gut tells me that that's not your goal. Am I right?

My hand is steadier now. It's always easier to write, to sort out my worries. But the lousy thoughts are still gripping my mind. I haven't heard from you for some time, and now I imagine as I come to your bungalow, the two of you together. My mind paints various poses, your wild love revived after all these years. It would be a major turn-on, if it wouldn't break my heart. So if by any chance this is the real-life scenario, I'm sure you'll hear the crack.

God, even imagining this hurts so much. Great, now I'm in misery again.

But we are starting to land. And soon I'll see you. Hopefully, you'll smile at me, because I love your smile.

And I hope with all my heart that you are going to choose me.

Love,

Arthur

By the time I finished, I was sobbing so hard that the pages were wet from my tears. His fears had come true, it happened exactly as he dreaded. He thought that I was having sex with Alice, our clothes on the floor, her naked body so close to me.

Arthur needed to know the truth. Because I had dreamed about our future too, because I had plans, because he made my life lighter. And as he was talking about home, I realized it even before I came to Sri Lanka. Arthur was my home.

So, I stood up and took out my suitcase from the wardrobe. I opened it and started packing. It took me fifteen minutes to stuff all my things inside. I changed from my nightie to a white shirt and jeans and left the bungalow. I didn't look back.

The hotel was deserted, the bar closed for the night. And I wondered for a moment what would happen to Benjamin and Alice. But it was not my place to know anymore.

There was no one at reception, and my heart sank as I looked outside at the usual spot where a few taxi cars usually stood was empty. I looked around trying to find anything, a card with a taxi number, anything, when I remembered that I already had one number on my phone. Nirved.

My hands were shaking as I called him. It was long after midnight and I prayed he would pick up.

"Hello?" Nirved said and continued speaking in Sinhalese, his voice groggy.

"I'm so sorry for disturbing you so late. It's Emily, the one from Benjamin's group. I need help. I need to get to the airport, now. Do you know anyone who could take me there this late at night? It's an emergency."

"It"s a two-and-a-half-hour drive," Nirved said.

"Yes, I know, I'll pay. I just…need to catch someone before he flies away."

"What about Miss Alice?" he asked.

I wanted to laugh and cry. Was it really so transparent?

"Our story ended a long time ago."

He was talking to someone in a language I didn't understand.

"Okay, meet me in ten minutes at the hotel entrance."

"Thank you, thank you, Nirved."

He ended the call. My heart was beating fast. I just hoped that Arthur went straight to the airport. I didn't call him, nor did I text him. I wanted to explain everything while looking into his eyes. I just hoped he didn't give up the future we imagined so fast.

I looked around and saw a bell on the reception desk, how did I miss it before? The noise of the bell was so deafening, I thought it would wake everyone in the vicinity.

A smiling woman appeared in a hidden doorway, I had woken her up.

"So sorry for disturbing you, but I need to check out."

"Now?" she asked incredulously, her brows rising.

"Yes, the bungalow number seven," I said and placed the key on the counter.

She took the keys and wrote something down.

"I hope you had a pleasant stay with us, and hope to see you back soon in our hotel," she said, still smiling.

"It's a paradise here, thank you very much."

I turned to the exit but stopped at the sight of a printer.

"Can I please have a few sheets of paper? And a pen if possible."

She nodded and gave it to me. Just as I got outside, in the lush darkness of the night, a small car rushed to the hotel entrance and stopped. Nirved looked at my bag and helped me to put it on the back seats—because the trunk was minuscule.

As soon as I sat down inside, the small engine roared and in a few seconds, we were speeding through the still sleeping roads.

* * *

It was almost impossible to sit straight in the car, as Nirved drove the dark streets. But as soon as we hit the highway I took out a pen and paper and started to write.

Benjamin,

I'm sorry I left earlier. But we didn't have any work plans for the last day, right?

I'm so sorry for coming into your life. I'm sorry for ruining the peace you found on this paradise island.

You need to know that I'm immensely grateful for your help with my project. You are a great leader, and I am proud to know you. Thank you for acquiring the app and for your professional guidance.

I wanted to talk about Alice.

Alice. I loved her so much seven years ago. But when her brother died, she disappeared from my life. She told me on this trip that the death of Jake nearly killed her. You can ask her to tell you about Jake sometime, you'll see how she lights from inside. They were the most kind and caring people in my life, the three of us were close. If you want, you can ask Alice to tell you our story.

But our story ended a long time ago. When Jake died, Alice was gone too. On this trip, she explained to me why she disappeared, all her pain.

And I told her the truth—my love died that year they were gone.

I don't think she still loves me. I think I'm a strong reminder of the short happy time we had together with Jacob. When we were all happy. It was almost eight years ago.

I saw that she cares about you, when she enters a room her eyes go to you first. As though she needs to know that you were there. As though your presence brings her comfort and balance.

I hope you two can find your peace. And as you said to me, be gentle with her. She still grieves, and I think she will for a long time. They had the strongest bond. You should have seen them together. They were golden. And now Alice still struggles to live without Jake.

My part is over in this story. I'm leaving and I won't be back in her life.

If you ever want to discuss anything business-related I would appreciate that we meet somewhere neutral, and without Alice.

I wish you two to be happy.

Goodbye.

Emily

I folded the paper and put it on the dashboard.

"Could you please give that to Benjamin the next time you see him?" I asked.

"Sure," he said. "Are you running away or are you chasing something?"

I smiled. "I'm chasing my future."