Chapter Twenty-Three

"Where do you want to spend tonight?" Jake asked once we were back in his car. Finally, my head had cleared after the tequila. I had known the answer all along.

"Your house."

He nodded and turned on the engine. He drank only half a glass of beer that night, but his movements were slow.

"We never had a chance to get that car of yours. I bet she's a beauty," Jake said. It sounded like goodbye. "I'm just ... I'm sorry, Emily. You need to know that I only wanted what's best for all of us, but I see it's not working. You were always different, you changed us. And Alice, she was always lost in her world, as though she tried to hide there, hide her emotions. But with you, she's out finally. And she hurts. It breaks my heart to see her hurting."

I looked at him.

"It would be much simpler if I didn't love you," he said quietly and turned on the engine.

I covered his hand with mine on the wheel, but my silence screamed more than any of my words. He nodded and drove us back to their house. The stillness was crushing between us.

The house was dark when we reached it, though the yellow car was parked outside in its usual spot.

Jake stopped on the porch and turned to me. He hugged me. I remembered how I had felt those first times when he had enveloped his hands around me. Safe, cherished, cared for. I still had all of those things.

He kissed my forehead and went inside, heading straight up the stairs. He didn't turn back when he quietly closed the door to his room, leaving me outside at the top of the stairs.

I went to the bathroom and ran the hottest shower I could handle. The blazing water seared my skin.

Back on the landing, I watched Jake's door for a few seconds. I spun around and went through another door.

Alice's back was turned to the door, so I quietly climbed under the covers and pressed myself to her.

"You came," she whispered, her voice rasping.

"I promised."

She sniffed lightly.

"That was so embarrassing," Alice said. "I was sitting there, and listening to how you were referred to as a couple, lovebirds. And I know we agreed to keep us a secret, but I could not imagine it changing. I pictured Miranda asking how the three of us were doing, if we wanted to go to a couples retreat. Oh, wait, we are not a couple. I felt invisible there. Like you and I don't exist. And I know how immature I was, how it's stupid to want that appreciation from outsiders. The most important thing is how we both feel about each other."

She turned to me and I saw her red-rimmed eyes, cheeks wet with tears. "I saw how we could never be a couple in the open. We would never be able to hold hands in public freely because someone we know could see us. You know, I wanted to be able to be your girlfriend, to be able to hug and kiss you in front of anyone. To be referred to as a couple."

I slowly traced my fingertips over her cheeks, catching her tears.

"I'm sorry, I know that I'm whining, and needy. And the main thing is that I can be with you, but tonight I just saw what we won't have, and damn, I can't stop crying. And do you know what is the most awful thing about all this? I envy Jake. I envy how easily he can drop an arm over your shoulders, run fingers over your wrist, simply be close."

"Do you wish you never met me?" I asked, almost inaudibly.

Alice froze and looked at me.

"No, don't you dare think like that!" Alice said, sitting up. "I need you to know one thing," she whispered and pressed her fingers to my chin, "you are the most wonderful thing that happened in my life, you woke me up, I feel ... I feel you here." Alice slid her hand to her chest. "I just wish it all was simpler. I wish for you and Jake to be happy."

"You two are the most selfless people in the whole world," I said.

She snorted. "Jake is, I'm most definitely not."

Alice dropped back to her pillow, her face inches from mine.

"I'm sorry about tonight," I said.

"Come here," she said softly and snuggled me into her arms. Alice smelled of vanilla as I rubbed my nose on her neck. I traced the skin on her back, our legs entwined. I never wanted her to cry again, and as I tried to shield her from the outside world I pressed my body closer. She was so warm, so soft, her breathing calm. We lay there in silence, slowly drifting to sleep.

I heard a whisper. "I love you, Emily."

But I was dreaming already.

* * *

I opened my eyes. Alice was breathing lightly by my side. A soft light poured from the window in her room. It was minutes past sunrise. I quietly stood up and put my clothes on. Alice was a deep sleeper, even a cannon fire wouldn't wake her before her usual wake-up time. I gazed at her blonde hair as it spilled onto the pillow, how her features were so serene—eyes closed, lips slightly parted.

I took a piece of paper from her printer and found a pen. The three words I wrote made me smile. It was simple, and complicated at the same time. But what I felt toward the woman sleeping in that bed had been right in front of me the whole time. Jake realized it before I did.

I put the paper on the pillow and quietly left the room.

I love you.

Outside the house, I looked back at it. The fresh layer of snow gave it the look of a gingerbread house covered in soft powdered sugar. As I stood there my heart sang for the feeling I had finally accepted, naming it to myself and to her gave it clarity. But my heart also broke for the pain I would need to inflict on another person. Another heart I was about to break. I turned and slowly went back to my dormitory.

I didn't know that it was all irrelevant, the feelings I felt didn't matter a bit. As I walked down the street I didn't know one thing: I would never see one of them again.