Chapter Twenty-Two

In the morning the text from Miranda came.

Haven't seen you in a while, I know that you"ve been busy since Jake came back. Come to the bar in the evening!

With classes back, my work, and relationships with two people, I didn't have any time to see Miranda. She didn't know about our arrangement, and it hurt me to keep secrets from her. We agreed to wait until we ourselves were comfortable before saying anything to anyone.

For Jake it was easy, he was glad to share me with Alice. For Alice, the charade proved to be difficult. And me, I was on the verge of discovering something I didn't yet want to see.

But before all that, the three of us agreed to go to the bar on Friday night.

The familiar setting of a sticky door, loud music, and the usual faces made me cringe. I quickly realized that I wanted to be somewhere quiet, lost between the sheets. But I could not even take Alice's hand, because Jake's arm was draped around my shoulders.

Miranda squealed when she saw me, sloshing her beer when she rose from the table to greet me. Her positivity was infectious, and I smiled at her.

"Okay?" I asked her and looked at Brian.

She nodded, beaming.

I realized how long it had been since we had last talked, really talked, and damned with the rules, I wanted to discuss everything with her. I needed to talk about the knot of feelings I couldn't untangle by myself.

She greeted Alice and winked at Jake.

"You could have brought her earlier," Miranda said, sitting back. "So how are you two lovebirds doing?"

"I'm going for drinks," Alice interrupted, standing up.

"I'll help," Jake said and they disappeared into the crowd.

"We're fine," I said. Miranda was smiling, but Brian's brow shot up in question. "No, really everything is okay."

Miranda looked from me to Brian and back. "Are you two hiding something?"

"No," we said simultaneously.

"Both of you are awful liars," she said. "I'll talk to you at home," she said to Brian and he groaned.

Jake and Alice came back. Jake put a glass of beer in front of me and sat by my side, Alice on his other side. He draped his arm over my shoulders, a familiar gesture that made me uncomfortable this time.

"Thanks," I muttered.

Miranda told us how she and Brian had gone to Canada to visit her parents for a few days, and how amazingly well it went, not turning into a disaster even though Brian made a few cringy jokes. Thankfully, her dad shared the same weird kind of humor, and while Miranda and her mom rolled their eyes, Brian cracked with laughter with her dad.

I could not imagine a similar story for me. How could it be explained to their parents that their kids shared one girlfriend? There would not be bonding laughter, but tombstone silence.

"Anyway, Brian and I are going on a short couples retreat. It's a weekend event organized by some yogi on how to expand your horizon," Miranda said, leaning in so only the three of us could hear.

"It sounds shady," Brian said.

"No, it's not," Miranda retorted. "There will be yoga for couples and talking about how to build a healthy relationship."

"We already have a healthy one," Brian groaned.

"There's always room for improvement. So would you two like to come? It should be fun. I can send you the details. It's in the woods. In the pictures, the cabins get lost in the trees and snow."

I looked at Alice, her gaze lowered to her hands, fingers wrapped around untouched beer. She didn't look back.

"It sounds ... magical," Jake said.

"Yeah, but we're going to pass. Thanks, Miranda," I said. Alice still didn't move.

"Okay, but just think about it. Just the two of you in the cabin, creating a new bond," Miranda said.

Brian looked fast at Alice and back at me. He clasped a hand over Miranda's.

"Don't push them."

She nodded.

"So how was Canada in winter?" I asked. "Did you see a bear?"

"Actually we did," Brian said, happy to change the topic.

Alice finally moved, she put a hand on Jake's shoulder, muttering something in his ear. She didn't look at me.

"I'm going home, guys," she said and stood up. "I'm not feeling well. It was nice seeing you."

She smiled and waved to everyone. Not meeting my eyes, she left the table to a murmur of goodbyes.

Brian tried to fill the pause, telling us how confusing the metric system in Canada was. It took me a few moments to realize that something was wrong, that my chest ached for the person who had just left.

"Excuse me," I said, standing up. "I'll be right back."

And I ran after her. Strangers kept bumping into me when I pushed through. Outside, the cool air hit my thin sweater. I shivered. My jacket was draped inside on a chair.

I knew where she parked, so I ran there. Alice was standing by her car, her head bowed, a hand on the yellow roof.

"How are you?" I asked, and she lifted her eyes to mine finally. There were tears staining her cheeks.

"Oh, God, where is your jacket? You'll freeze!" she exclaimed.

"I'm okay," I said. "What's happening?"

She walked to me and looked around.

"Please go inside, we'll talk later. You'll catch a cold."

A guy walked past us, a familiar face. He greeted us, his eyes going down to our hands entwined. Alice quickly dropped my hands.

"I'll come back to you tonight," I said.

"It's Jake"s turn," she whispered.

"Damn, Alice. There are no turns, no rules. I want to be with you."

She shook her head. "Please go back inside."

Alice shifted, opened a car door, and climbed inside. A light vapor clouded her words when she said, "I need a moment to myself."

I nodded and hugged myself. She didn't look at me as she closed the door and turned on the engine. Violent shivers ran down the length of my exposed hands and neck.

I didn't want to go back. I wanted to go with her in that small yellow car, just to drive and drive on the highway. To hear her laugh, to hear her sing to one of the old rock songs. But all I got was a flicker of taillight.

Jake was standing outside, my jacket in his hands. He draped it over my shoulders and I instantly felt warmer.

"She went for a drive," I said.

"It's difficult for her."

"What is?" I asked.

"Us."

I nodded.

"I thought it would make her happy, I really did," he said and rubbed his cheek. "You know, she's never been in love before."

I jerked my head in his direction. Love.

"Neither have I," he said quietly. "And of course, fate would twist us to love one person. But we are different …"

"What should I do?" I whispered.

"Listen to your heart," he said and looked around. Groups of people smoked outside, glasses in their hands, a peal of booming laughter echoed around, a heated discussion—a quarrel—happened to our left. But the air between us was silent.

"Let's go inside," Jake said and I nodded.

I was not ready to face the decisions I needed to make. So once inside I walked straight to the bar and downed a tequila shot. And two more.

Finally, with the sharpness of reality blurring, the pain in the chest eased. I knew it was temporary. But it helped in that moment.

I returned to the table where Jake was talking to Brian. And Miranda eyed me, her arm draped over the back of my chair. I slammed down, mumbling apologies.

"You're a mess, Emily."

"I am."

She looked at Brian. "I'm sorry," she whispered so only I could hear. "I had no idea …"

"What are you talking about?" I slurred.

"About you and Alice, does Jake know?"

I snorted. "It's complicated."

"Talk to me," she said, worry woven into her features.

"Later, okay? I still need to think about a lot. I need to listen to my heart."

The rush of the bar was so loud. The music pulsed in my head. Glasses clinked at the next table. Laughter rang in my ears. I looked at Jake, and he smiled at me. Not his usual smile, not open, but sad.

"What does it say? Your heart, I mean," Miranda said.

It was easy and was always there. I knew what it had kept whispering all this time, finally raising its voice so I could hear it. It screamed over the noise.

I smiled back at Jake.