Chapter Twenty-Four

As I reached my dorm room I had a clear understanding of what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to Alice, to say that I'd fallen in love with her and that I wanted to be her girlfriend, in all possible ways. But before that, I needed to talk to Jake, to confess everything, to tell him that it was not working. That our trio was doomed from the beginning, that I was not a polyamorous person. And what actually happened was that I fell in love with his sister while dating him. How I actually betrayed him and his trust.

I was not sure they would accept me. Alice might reject me so as not to hurt her brother. How could it work out? Alice and I lived happily ever after with a hurting Jake by our side? No.

This time I'd let them decide. I would spill everything that was on my mind and in my heart and hope for the best. No more schedules, rules, dividing. My heart couldn't accept what my mind agreed to. The truth finally surfaced, I loved her.

I picked up my phone and dialed Jake's number, the call going to voicemail. I left a message asking him to call me back as soon as possible.

Then I waited. I called back a few more times, and when it was impossible to stay inside anymore, I went to the park. I stood in a usual queue at The Corner, ordering a latte, and slowly walked down the path. I tried to see the beauty around me, the trees dressed in white, the clear blue sky, the sun playing on white patches of snow a million shades of gold.

I could not understand why he was ignoring me. Even though he might have known what I wanted to talk about, as far as I knew him, he always was up to a dialogue. Especially when it concerned Alice. Finally, as my fingers started going numb, and the sun hid behind the trees, I called Alice.

Same. The call went to voicemail. A crippling feeling of worry scratched at me. I shook my head, thinking that I might as well get used to being alone again. Even though I loved Alice, it didn"t mean that she would want to be with me. The bond between brother and sister was much stronger and more important than any girlfriend. But I hoped they could talk to me at least, even if it was for the last time.

A feeling of panic was rising fast as I slammed my fingers into my phone screen calling them both again and again.

I stopped and looked up. The sky to the left was turning purple, my favorite time of the day. Long shadows covered me while the sky up above me turned into a brightly lit canvas.

The phone vibrated in my hand. I smiled, finally one of them was calling me back. I didn't look at the caller id when I picked up the phone.

"Emily? Emily, where are you?"

It was Miranda. Her voice was rushed, worried.

"I'm at the park. Sorry, now isn't the best time, I'm waiting for a call," I said.

"Oh. I need to see you, when could you be at the exit of the park?" she said, her voice shaking.

"In fifteen minutes. Is everything alright? How's Brian?" I asked. I'd never heard her voice so trembling.

"He's fine. I'll meet you there in fifteen minutes."

Before I could say anything, she hung up. That was weird, but Miranda needed me. I hurried my steps to reach the exit. I would explain everything to her and go to Jake and Alice's house. If they kept ignoring me, it was time for drastic action. I must talk to them.

I stopped under the sign saying that the park had a circular trail, its length, and flora and fauna details. Miranda still had a few minutes. I was trying to read the information about the endemic bushes that grew only in this part of the country when I heard her voice.

"I'm so sorry," Miranda said as I turned around.

She was breathing hard as though she was running. She was. But what stunned me most was the expression of pure shock on her face.

"Oh God, what happened?" I asked, rushing to her.

"Emily, Jake is dead," she said.

I stopped in my tracks. I noticed how the gravel crunched under my boots. I knew where my heart was, and in that moment I felt it falling. Somewhere deep.

"What?"

"This morning he drove to the farmers market outside the city. It was a head-on collision. A teenager was texting when he hit an ice patch. He didn't make it. Jake died instantly." Her voice was wet and trembling, but the words didn't make any sense to me.

"Miranda, it's cruel to joke like this," I said calmly.

She reached me, slowly. Her eyes were on me. Miranda shook her head, as her fingers covered her mouth.

Something punched me in the gut as I bent in two. Suddenly I wanted to vomit, but only a low gurgling sound escaped me. I could not understand what was happening to my body, because clearly, it was not true. A misunderstanding. My mind was calm, as my body started shaking.

"No, I saw him yesterday. I need to talk to him," I said and started walking in the direction of their house. "I just need a few words with Jake."

Miranda rushed to my side, walking with me.

"Emily, he's not there."

"It's Saturday, he went to the farmers market, as you said. He should be back home now," I said, quickening my steps.

"Jake died."

I turned to her and screamed.

"Shut your mouth, Miranda. Shut your damn mouth! Stop lying to me."

It was as though I had slapped her, hard. But she shook her head and looked at me.

"I'm so sorry." She sobbed.

I stood there, a wind slowly rocking the tops of the trees as a feeling of understanding crept in. My mind was catching up with my body.

"Alice," I breathed. And I ran, I ran as hard as I ever had in my life. The snow, the ice, the roads, the cars honking, it all blurred around me, as one thought pulsed inside me. I needed to get to Alice.

But I was too late. The house stood dark, with no cars parked in their usual spots.

I ran up the porch and jammed my finger into the buzzer. It blared inside, but it was the only response I got.

"Please, open, please, please," I muttered. But there was no reply.

I pressed my forehead to the door, and it was so, so cold. My fingers rattled the door handle, locked.

I went down the steps and looked around. The house stared back blankly. I fished my phone out of my pocket, but my hands were trembling so violently that I dropped it.

Thankfully it landed in the snow, just inches from concrete that would have been the end of it.

I picked it up and called Jake.

"Oh, God, pick up, pick up, please pick up," I cried, the last two words turning into a shout as his cheerful voice asked to leave a message.

And it hit.

I fell to my knees, pressed my forehead to the dirty patch of stone, and shut my eyes. It didn't help to stop the liquid pouring out of them. This could not be happening.

Miranda was confused. Somebody had tricked her, and as trusting as she was, she believed.

"Emily, you have to stand up," she said, tugging me up.

She had run behind me all the way, but I was faster, getting there first.

"How do you know? Who told you?" I asked, my voice clearing, steadying. I would get to the core of this trick.

"Jenny, she volunteers at the hospital," Miranda whispered.

"Oh, Jenny. She doesn't even know Jake well. How many times has she seen him? Twice?" I tried to laugh, it turned to a choke.

"She saw the body."

I stood, stunned, watching her. Body. I turned to the side, clutching a fistful of my jacket not far from where my heart was. Everything stung, everything burned, and I retched. My mind went blank as I watched the meager food I had eaten that day leaving my body. Alice would be furious, I thought.

Alice. I coughed one last time. I must find her.

I started walking.

"Where are you going?" Miranda asked, following me.

"Hospital."

"It's out of the city," she said.

"I need to get there. Alice is there."

"Let Brian drive you," she said.

"I'll walk."

And I walked. But Miranda was by my side, calling Brian, whispering something urgently into the phone. We walked what felt like hours, days, years. My brain was on pause, as tears ran down my face, as snot froze on my burning skin.

A car stopped in front of me. It was familiar. Miranda rushed to the door and opened it for me.

"Get in," she ordered.

Brian looked at me from the driver"s seat. He didn't say anything as his red-rimmed eyes followed my moves. I climbed inside and gripped the door.

I watched the cars passing by. It seemed that we crawled on the highway, and I wanted to scream. I closed my eyes and heard Jake laughing, his eyes crackling. I felt his hands on my shoulders. I felt loved, and even though I fell in love with his sister, Jake was first. Jake was the one who brought me back to life with his light, who brought joy, who stood by my side.

And they said there was no light anymore.

I lowered my head between my knees—the brace position on airplanes—but that posture wouldn't save me from this crashing and burning. I rocked back and forth, attempting to soothe myself. That morning I had been ready to break up with him, and he knew it. Encompassing guilt squeezed my lungs, my stomach, as I tried to take a breath, no air coming in.

Miranda turned to me from the passenger seat. She squeezed my shoulder and pressed a palm to my back, grounding me.

"Shhh," she murmured as I rocked.

The car came to a stop. A spring released in me as I jumped from the car, and I was running again. Miranda screamed my name.

But I ran on, sliding doors, people making a way for me, their eyes widening, the blinding light of the hospital reception sliced my retinas.

"I need to see Jake, Jacob O'Neal," I said to a woman in blue scrubs.

Her expression didn't change as she typed in the name on the computer. She looked up at me, her expression blank.

"Are you family?" she asked.

"Girlfriend."

"Please contact the family," the woman said.

"I can't!" I cried.

"I'm sorry, there is nothing I can help you with," she said.

"What?"

"All information regarding the person can be disclosed to close family members only," she said in a dull drill.

Miranda placed a firm grip on my shoulders. "Let's go," she said quietly.

I saw the look she gave to the woman when she pulled me away from the counter, of pure hatred.

"I'm not family," I whispered as Miranda let me outside.

I stopped right at the doors.

"I'll wait for Alice here, she must be somewhere in the building," I said. "She must be."

Miranda nodded and took me by my arm and led me to the waiting area. We sat there. I looked at the door. Alice might be going in, or out, any minute. I couldn't look away so as not to miss her. Every time the door opened my heart leaped, and every time it was someone else.

Miranda sat by my side, silent. Sometime later Brian joined us. We waited, and waited, and waited. I didn't look at the clock when we first sat down, but sometime later I noticed how its hands sped and dragged, counting seconds, minutes, and hours. I was afraid to blink, afraid that Alice would float past me like a gust of wind and disappear inside the hospital.

Someone was touching my face, I turned to see Miranda brushing my forehead with a wet wipe. There was dirt on it when she pulled it away. I vaguely remembered how I had pressed my face into the concrete outside the house. But I could not look away from the door. Any minute. She'd be there.

She never came.