Chapter Seventeen

The next day I suggested we drive to a trail to get out for a bit. The website said that the path was cleared of snow. Alice packed a thermos of tea and sandwiches. A yellow car honked at the foot of my dorm. A hot cocoa was waiting for me in the car.

"That's for now, tea is for later," Alice said, as she drove out of the campus.

The clear blue sky stretched in front of us as we turned onto the highway, the silvery clouds of the previous day gone, the white of snow from the trees blinding. An old AC/DC song played as Alice murmured the words.

"What do you want to do for New Year's Eve?" she asked. "Do you want to go to a party or something? I'm sure Miranda would have a ton of ideas."

"Can we stay at home? Just you and me?"

"Oh, wow. Okay, sure. Don't worry, I'm going to behave," Alice said.

"Maybe you don't need to."

She turned her head to me and looked back to the road quickly.

"Noted."

* * *

As we stood under an old pine tree looking up at all the green hidden in heavy heaps of white, making the branches sag, Alice cleared her throat.

"How was it growing up with a dad only? Have you ever missed a mother figure?" she asked.

I scratched my nose, my fluffy gloves tickling the skin.

"Not really. When I was little, I could only see what mothers do in regards to other children, and Dad did exactly those things. He cared for me, he clothed me, he brought me to the school, he kissed me goodbye. I think he watched mothers more closely than I did. That's why he always insisted on dropping me off in the mornings. For me, it was like kids had two fathers, not a mom and dad. And so rarely did their dads participate in kids' lives, you know, it's always mothers who do everything. And when I grew older, many of those families that had two parents, divorced, fathers going into new families, and I still had my Dad."

Alice nodded. "I like your logic."

"Oh, logic, Dad"s favorite word," I said and smiled at the sky as we slowly continued down the rocky path.

"But in my teenage years, I started wondering how it would feel to have a mother, to talk to her, to be held by tender hands, to smell the perfume on her neck that stood as a unique marker of her. I was an easy teenager. Dad joked I stepped into the shoes of a middle-aged woman right after my tenth birthday. We were not huge talkers and, when I imagined mother, I thought she would be babbly, with a booming laugh. I don't know why I thought like this, my real Mom, as Dad told me stories about her, was a quiet and determined person with huge dreams and goals. Dad joked that if she still was alive, we would have lived in a mansion and would be millionaires by my teenage years."

"Are you like her?" Alice asked.

"Oh, no, I'm a carbon copy of my Dad. He used to joke that Mom would be the sole entrepreneur in our family, making all the money, while he would stay at home with me. That she would come up with a startup that would change the world. She would have done it, but she just didn't have time. And you know what is that stupidest thing?" I asked, my voice trembling.

Alice shook her head.

"I can't even miss the person I never met. I can't relate to the image of a determined young woman who had a clear view of the life before her, who knew what she wanted to do, because I don't. I'm like my Dad, he never wanted much, but he had a job he loved. A job that was like a hobby to him. And I simply don't know what to do with my life, I have no idea what happens after university ends. And I envy both of you, how you and Jake know what you want, and have a vision of a career."

I started taking fast shallow breaths, fear gripping the inside of my chest and lungs. Alice stopped in front of me, tugging off her huge mittens, and hiding them in a pocket. She pressed her palms to my cheeks, and I noticed how warm they were. Her eyes were level with mine.

"You're fine," she whispered.

"I'm scared of my future, of the moment I need to be an adult, to take care of my own life," I said.

"You already are an adult and you just don't see how independent you already are. You are scared about money, not life alone. You are the person who is perfectly comfortable alone, aren't you?"

I slowly nodded.

"Just like your Dad was, right?"

I nodded again.

"And now you have me and Jake, but let's forget this for a moment. All you need after university is financial stability, to have an income, and you'll be fine. Right?"

Again, I nodded, her palms still on my cheeks.

"And with enough money, you would relax, and have time to find what you actually enjoy, a hobby, and maybe, a glimpse of the path you want to lead."

"But what if I don't find that financial stability? What if no one wants to hire me?" I asked.

"Your Dad took care of this already," Alice said. "He insisted on you taking a Computer Science degree, and this only would be enough for you to have a job."

"I'm not even good at it!"

"Nobody says that you'd have to work at NASA," Alice said and I snorted. "You could work on an application that helps elderly people, for example, or an app about still life art."

"Or an app about books," I said.

And I could see it, why did it never cross my mind? That I could combine my degree and the thing I love: books.

Alice smiled at me, revealing her dimples. I could just tilt my head and our faces would be only inches away from each other, but she dropped her warm hands and went for her mittens. The cold rushed back to my skin.

"But anyway, you don't need to worry about any of this, Jake and I will make so much money that you won't have to work at all," she said.

And I snorted. "I don't see myself as a housewife," I said, a snicker escaping my lips.

"Yeah, me neither actually."

Alice took a few steps and stopped, turning back to me.

"Maybe you don't need to wait until the end of education to start searching for a job."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You can go freelance now, when we are still in university. There are so many companies hiring remote workers now, you would see what the market needs right away, sitting on your bed, no offices, no suits, no live interviews."

"Really?" I asked, my thoughts rushing as fast as a train. "I guess I could do that. I could try at least."

"I'll help you to set up a profile on a freelancing website. Your profile is already fifty percent of success, the other thirty is the number of applications you send, ten is your skills, and the last ten is luck."

"Yes, okay," I said and laughed. The brick pressing on my chest eased just a little.

* * *

Back in the car, as it was slowly warming up inside, I peeled off my gloves and with ice-cold hands picked up a cup of tea and took a sip. The thermos had kept it hot, very hot, and I closed my eyes as the warmth slowly bloomed inside. The walk had taken longer than we anticipated, and by the last mile, I had been slowly turning into an ice cube.

"Drink more," Alice ordered.

And I did. During the last fifteen minutes, she had ushered me to get back to the car faster, saying that my lips were turning blue.

Alice took a sip from her cup and placed it on the dashboard, turning to me. She wrapped her fingers around my hands, trapping them around my warm cup.

"God, your hands are icy."

I watched our hands together, how her warm skin sheltered mine. Alice moved her thumb over my knuckles, slowly, a warm touch, and then she intertwined her fingers with mine. It was a new feeling for me, something that seared in my core. I moved my eyes from our hands to her face. She was watching me closely.

Her deep gray eyes focused on me, and just for a second, they slipped to my lips, making me inhale sharply. I put my cup alongside hers and placed my trembling fingers to her cheek. Alice was still looking at me, her pupils huge, as she closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. I slowly touched her brow, nose, and her lower lip. It was silky under my fingertips.

She opened her mouth just a little, and I felt her warm breath on my fingers.

I wanted to catch it with my lips.

But I didn't.

I dropped my hand and picked up my cup again. Alice smiled and turned back to the wheel.

She took a deep breath and dragged her hand through her hair.

"Let's go home," she said.

"Yes."

In five minutes, she was chatting about making a profile, telling me all the important points, but all I could think about was how I wanted to press my lips to hers, how I thought they would taste. I could almost taste the vanilla on my tongue, and my body responded to that fantasy, a sudden tingle in my stomach, how my bra suddenly felt a bit small, there was not enough air in the car, making me breathe heavily. I turned and looked at her, her relaxed hands on the steering wheel, eyes on the road, long strands of hair brushing against her jacket.

"It's important to fill in the skills section with keywords that would help potential employers find you, so you might?—"

"I want to kiss you," I said.

The car veered just a little on the empty road. She didn't say anything.

"I'm sorry I didn't kiss you before," I added.

Her fingers squeezed the steering wheel harder. Still, she didn't reply, the car was silent.

"Do you mean it?" Alice finally asked.

"Yes," I whispered.

She moved her hand and switched on the blinker, the car slowing. It was a small road, still lost in the mountains, no cars around. The icy gravel crunched under the wheels as the car jerked to a stop. Alice switched it to park and opened the door. She crossed in front of the car and opened my door. She stretched her hand out to me. It was shaking slightly. I took it without hesitation, and in a second I was standing by her side, my hand still in hers.

"Emily, I've wanted to kiss you from the first moment I saw you. I wanted to?—"

I didn't let her finish. I stepped closer and wrapped my hands around the nape of her neck. I finally touched those lips with mine. And they were softer than I could have ever imagined, they were sweeter and lighter. Alice gasped and draped her hands around my waist, pulling me closer, so there was almost no space between us. And she invited me in, as my tongue touched the tip of hers.

A passing car honked at us as my fingers got lost in her long blonde hair. With a sudden jolt, I realized how much more of her I wanted.

I wanted it all.

Alice pressed me into the closed passenger door, her fingers sliding down my jaw, my neck, and further, moving between the flaps of my jacket. She slowed as she moved past my collarbone, lower, when her fingers wrapped around my breast, over the damned sweater, bra, preventing me from truly feeling her fingers on me. But when she squeezed just a little, I moaned all the same.

"We need to get home," she whispered into the corner of my lips.

And of course, she was right. Even though it was freezing outside, I wanted to peel off every item of clothing I had on me, just to feel her skin on mine.

She slowed, her teeth scraping my upper lip. Alice pressed her forehead to mine, and closed her eyes, breathing heavily.

"Just so you know, I imagined this moment so many times, when I was with you, when I was alone, but the reality … God, the reality, is so much sweeter."

She took a step back, and smiled at me, her lips raw after I had crashed into them.

"Let's go home," she said again, but this time she meant more, much more.

When she returned to her seat, she looked back at me. Her cheeks were rosy, lips swollen, eyes glinting from the light of a dashboard.

I rested my head on the headrest and found her hand with mine.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" I asked.

She giggled as I smiled.

"Yes. Yes!"

Alice moved closer to kiss me but the safety belt stopped her. I closed the space between us, placing my hand to her jaw, pressing my lips to hers. Suddenly I was very hot. A set of fireworks went off inside my head. I was kissing a woman. I was being kissed back, so passionately, so tenderly. I never wanted it to stop.

"I'd do it the whole day, but who knew it was so uncomfortable to kiss in a small car?" Alice said, chuckling.

"You're right," I said as I noticed how both of us were bent at a strange angle. "Let's go home."