Chapter Sixteen

My phone chimed, dragging me back to reality. I turned and pressed a hand to my chest—it hurt as though someone had punched me. Ah, right. It was me with my stupid decisions.

I unlocked the phone, catching my reflection on the screen. Puffy red eyes, swollen cheeks.

And in that message, I got what I deserved.

I'm back. We need to talk. Please come to our house at noon.

Jake.

To be there he must have driven back from his parents' during the night. I assumed Alice had called him, and told him what? The truth?

I pressed my fingertips to my eyelids. I stopped breathing. A truck drove past outside. I heard distant laughter, my heartbeat. In a few hours, I would lose the person who mattered so much to me. He made me so happy, I loved being in his presence, in his arms. So I betrayed his trust. I fell for his sister as if loving him was not enough. But it was enough, and I didn't know how my heart could love two people at the same time. Was it a sin, greed, lust?

I took a deep breath. My mind said that it was wrong, but my heart sang a quiet song when I imagined being with them.

I squeezed a blanket to my face, inhaling the smell of fresh linen. It didn't matter anyway, what my brain knew, what my heart sang about. It all would end in a few hours. The tears came again, slow, burning.

* * *

I stood in front of their house. Fresh snow covered its roof again, its garden. The crooked snowman stared at me accusingly.

The small yellow car was blocked by Jake's old Toyota.

I smiled at it as if greeting an old friend and walked up the stairs.

There was no music inside the house this time as Alice opened the door for me. I met her eyes for a second and dropped my gaze to the floor. She looked pale.

I crossed the hall and went into the living room and sat on the edge of the armchair. On the table stood a bowl of freshly made cookies, a steaming pot of tea, and three cups. I looked at it, and with a slicing pain realized it was the last time I'd be sitting there.

Alice sat on the far end of the sofa, the deep gray eyes I knew so well on me. I couldn"t bring myself to look at her, still looking at the cups.

There was shuffling upstairs, then steps as someone came down the stairs. Jake. I lifted my eyes to him, and my heart cracked as a slow tear ran down my face.

"Emily," he whispered and rushed to me.

But Alice caught his hand and shook her head, motioning for him to sit by her side. He did.

I swiped the tear away, looking back at the cups.

"Alice told me what happened last night, and I rushed back," Jake said.

I nodded again. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "You both appeared in my life and in the span of a few weeks you became the two people I was closest to on Earth. I didn't think my heart could be mended after my dad died, but the two of you brought light into my life, you cared about me, and I was so happy. It was so uncomplicated at the beginning, right? But yesterday I realized that my heart was capable of loving not one person, but two."

Alice inhaled sharply, and Jake closed his hand around hers.

"You two are so close, and you trusted me and took me in. And I betrayed you. Jake, I fell for your sister when you went away. You can think I'm sick, and maybe I am, but Alice ... God, I almost kissed her yesterday. And you both need to know it, it was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life, walking away, leaving you standing there, alone," I stifled a sob and wiped away the now streaming tears.

Jake squeezed Alice's hand tighter.

"There must be something so deeply wrong with me, and you have the right to be mad at me. Please be mad at me, not at Alice. I can't be the one to get between you, no one can. You two are the most beautiful people, inside and out, and I'm so grateful for the time I've had with you. And I'm sorry for messing it up," I said quietly, as new hot tears pooled in my eyes.

"I'm sorry for loving you both," and I looked down, as the tears ran down my cheeks.

This time Alice stood up to walk to me, Jake pulling her down to the sofa.

"I knew Alice's feelings for you, I knew them from the start, there are no secrets between us," Jake said and I looked at him, he leaned closer to me, placing his elbows on his knees. "That's why I left for Christmas, so you two could be together, just to see what this time held, and it unfolded the truth," he said.

"You knew?" I asked slowly.

"Of course."

"Why did you …" my voice trailed off, "why?"

This time Alice said. "Because we both fell in love with you, and Jake saw flickers in you that hinted that it was reciprocal. I didn't think you were interested in me at all, nothing beyond a friend. And the most important thing for me was for both of you to be happy, but then Christmas happened."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

My thoughts were still a liquid mass in my head, as I tried to untangle that Jake knew that Alice was attracted to me, how he saw that I was attracted to her, long before I realized it.

"We have an offer for you," Jake said. Alice's hand gripped the edge of the table, knuckles white. "Would you have us, both?"

"What?" I cried.

"Not simultaneously," Alice said, "God, this sounds like a weird mess. What Jake means is that you might be interested in … dating both of us."

"What?" I asked again, my head could not process what my ears were hearing.

And finally, I looked closely at both of them, something shimmering on both faces, hope.

"You want me to date both of you?" I asked, slowly. "Like kiss both of you, sleep with both of you?"

"Not at the same time! We'd have rules, days spent separately. In no way would Alice and I ..." Jake said and looked at Alice, both of them having horrified expressions. "I can't even say it."

"Interact intimately," Alice said and shuddered. "It would be like two separate relationships for you."

"Yes, we know it sounds unconventional, untraditional."

"Do you think I'm polyamorous?" I asked, standing up.

"You did say that you loved us both," Alice whispered, almost inaudible.

I looked around the room, the room which conjured warm memories. Two people who looked at me, who weren't moving, not breathing.

"You're crazy!" I said as their faces crumpled. "I need to think, alone."

I rushed out of the living room, grabbing my jacket and stumbling out of the front door, banging it on my way out. I stopped on the porch and exhaled. The slow snow was dancing around me, in contrast to the thoughts which sped in my mind.

Alice and Jake offered one solution to our situation, to the place the three of us were in. In the place I had never ever thought I could be in. I took a few steps and lowered my trembling fingers onto the rail, in the snow.

How could it work? From the mechanics of it to the feelings. Would it not be a mess? It would. And even more than usual relationships, twice more than usual relationships.

I went down the steps, into the front yard, and looked up. The white of the sky offered no solution, no answers to the questions I had. I closed my eyes and felt the little snowflakes landing on my cheeks. I smiled to myself and walked back to the house.

Standing at the front door I looked at the two parked cars, and back to the door, and jabbed the buzzer, the chime sounding inside.

Alice opened the door, Jake standing a few feet away. They looked at me, the two people I cared about most in the world.

"I agree," I said.

Time stopped as I awaited their reaction.

Alice clasped her hand to her lips, her eyes wide, as Jake smiled. Two arms wrapped around me, a sweet vanilla smell covered me. My fingers got lost in the silkiness of blonde hair, as I pressed her body into mine. As I looked back at Jake, whose expression was radiant, he beamed at me.

"Now let's drink that tea," he said.

As all of us wandered back to the living room, Alice sat closer to me this time.

"Are you sure? We don't want to force you, or make it uncomfortable," she said.

"It's crazy, but it's one possible decision where all of us could be happy. Couldn't we?"

They both nodded and Jake poured us cups of tea, Alice turned the music back on a portable speaker.

"How will it work? How …" my voice trailed off.

There were a million questions buzzing in my head, but I didn't know where to start.

"I guess we'll figure it out on the way," Alice said, a small smile playing on her lips.

Jake gulped his tea and stood up.

"Well, I gotta go," he said, and only then did I notice his backpack leaning against the sofa. "You girls have a lot of catching up to do." And he winked.

"Where are you going?" I asked and also stood up.

"Back to our parents, I'll be back after the New Year."

He crossed the room and placed his hands on my cheeks, locking his eyes on mine. I heard Alice picking up the cups and going into the kitchen.

"God, I missed you," he whispered and lowered his lips to mine.

Just an hour before I had thought I was never going to be kissed or touched by him ever again. But things were like before, but even more relaxed, more open. A new level of trust opened before us.

"I see you missed me too," he laughed, a throaty sound so close to my ear as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"I don't want you to go," I said.

"We'll have all the time in the world once I'm back, but now, you and Alice need to figure things out between you two."

I nodded.

"I'm nervous," I whispered.

"It's Alice, she'd never hurt you. Just talk to her," Jake said.

"How can you be so calm about it?"

"Why shouldn't I? I trust both of you."

"Will it work?" I asked and my breath hitched. "What if it doesn't work? I can't lose you two. I—" A wave of nauseating panic loomed in the back of my mind, making me shudder.

"Shh." A warm hand drew me into him, my nose landing in the crook of his neck.

"We'll make it work. We're not the first, and I'm sure we're far from the last to even try. I've read multiple stories of polyamorous relationships."

"Of course you did the research," I chuckled.

"They work, Emily. You're trying to overthink it. Just do what your heart tells you."

It told me to trust. I nodded.

He lifted my face, gently rubbing his thumb over my lower lip. I closed my eyes. Jake slowly kissed me again, then his arms fell back, releasing me.

Alice was standing in the kitchen, her hands in bubbles of soap, washing the cups. The situation was so natural, as if nothing had changed.

Jake picked up his backpack and went to the door. Alice joined me in the corridor.

"Have fun!" he said, his hand on the handle.

Alice laughed, the sound making me warm inside. She hugged him, and Jake was gone. A few moments later the car backed out of the driveway and rumbled away. I watched it out of the window, looking everywhere but at Alice.

"Let's talk, shall we?" she asked and gestured to the sofa.

I sat back in the armchair and noticed how she sat further away than before.

"I'm not going to make any moves on you if that's what you are worried about," she said. "All this talk before, it was not to force you into something you don't want. It's just for if you ever, and I mean ever, even if it's somewhere in the distant future, would like to be the one I kiss under a mistletoe, you would know that it's okay and that Jake is okay with that. He imagined us living as a family, and I honestly have no idea how it may work. But I'm willing to give it a try. If you don't, I'd understand and would be completely fine with it. I know it all sounds crazy. The most important thing I need you to know, Emily, the most important of all, I hope we can stay friends."

I sighed and looked at her. She was so nervous, wriggling her fingers in her lap, trying to be brave.

"I guess I want more than that."

Her eyes widened.

"I've just never had a girlfriend before," I said. "And I don't know how, well, I do know how, but ... that's embarrassing, sorry."

"You don't need to worry about it, you don't even need to think about it. I'm here for you when you're ready. Just wave or something."

And I burst out laughing, Alice giggled on the sofa, finally relaxing.

I looked outside. Snowflakes swirled around the backyard.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" I asked.

"I'd love to."

As we slowly walked through their neighborhood, stopping to explore the little community library boxes, it was as it was before, easy. It was easy with Alice right from the beginning—the creature of light and laughter who wanted to be my friend.