Chapter Fifteen

Iwas wearing a black shirt, jeans, and a leather jacket the next evening as I walked to the club. The music pulsed even outside the building that stood isolated, circled by a parking lot.

Miranda wore a golden dress with a huge plush coat. Brian's arm wrapped around her shoulders and an image of them disappearing into the bedroom flashed in front of me. The vigor I saw between them that Christmas night was far from a stale relationship.

A few of their friends were fervently discussing something just a few steps away when Alice rounded the corner and joined us.

Despite the statements that it was time to ease up on the alcohol, each one of us held a cocktail ten minutes after we had entered the club. The drinks were cheap, a mix of low-quality alcohol with sugary juice or tonic, simple, but mind-melting. Someone new was playing the music, an unfamiliar DJ. It reverberated in my bones, making me sway.

After our first cocktails were finished, Miranda took my hand and Alice's and drew us closer to the dance floor. It was far from packed, so I felt exposed, shy. And my focus was still sharp—it was far too early to dance. Miranda, who never minded anyone or anything on the dance floor, started moving, her hands drawing intricate lines in the air.

But Alice, God how she moved, flowing. Her body pulsed to the rhythm, relaxed. She noticed me looking at her and, smiling, motioned for me to dance. I shook my head and gestured to the bar, it was definitely too early for me to dance.

I ordered water and sat on a bar stool, close to where Brian was talking to Alec. But a few moments later Alec joined the girls on the dance floor, drawing two more guys with him. And as people filled up the club, more and more crowds packed the space in the middle, limbs swaying, hips moving.

I watched Alice's graceful moves, her hair reflecting the color of the flickering lights.

"So, what are you going to do?" Brian asked, almost shouting into my ear.

"About what?"

"About you and Alice," he said, following my gaze to a dance floor. My heart skipped a beat.

"What about us?"

He turned to me.

"As I said before, you have to hide your feelings better. The moment you are alone and you think nobody is watching you, it's written all over your face."

"Brian, what are you talking about?"

"Oh, so you still haven't admitted it to yourself. There's this longing on your face, a mix of awe and want. It's romantic, Emily. You're with her brother. Isn't it kind of wrong?"

In the warm air of the club, an icy chill ran down my arms, and I shivered, hugging myself.

"There is nothing romantic between us," I said.

He snorted. "Yeah, sure. Alice is a lesbian. And on Christmas night, Mary practically begged her to … you know, but every time Alice removed her hand, stood aside, her eyes always looking for you."

"You're imagining things," I said.

"Okay, keep telling yourself that," he said, lifting his hands in defeat. "But if you don't stop swooning soon, everyone will notice. And just wait for the tornado of Miranda. And Emily, Jake is happy with you, honestly happy."

"I'd never hurt him," I said.

"Not intentionally, no. But?—"

The panting body of Miranda slammed into mine, wrapping her fingers around my bottle of water, breathing hard.

"God, I'm thirsty," she said.

"Take it. I need something stronger anyway," I said looking at Brian.

I ordered a shot of tequila and downed it, locking eyes with Brian who shook his head. I lifted my gaze to the crowd and went to the opposite side, where Alice was dancing with a group of both familiar and unfamiliar faces. I closed my eyes, music flowing thunderously in me, disturbing every sense. I started moving.

The tracks changed, one mixed into another, the rhythm getting faster, the crowd getting denser. As we moved deep into the night the familiar faces disappeared, except one. Only one. My eyes were glued to her face. We moved so closely that our bodies almost touched.

Her hand found mine, squeezing lightly and releasing it, circling around my waist, moving just an inch closer to me. I lifted my right hand, catching the edge of her jacket, slipping underneath. Her crop top hid so little of her skin. I ran my fingers just above her navel and as I watched her lashes fluttering, her lips parting, I realized how deep in I was. Brian was right. It was wrong, very wrong.

"I'm sorry," I said, backing away, and bolted through the crowd. I took my jacket at the exit and pulled out the scarf I had stuck into the sleeve of it before wrapping it around my neck. I made it outside. The cold air bit my cheeks, assaulting every warm cell of my body.

There were a lot of people outside, talking, laughing, drinking.

I sat on the curb, dropping my head into my hands, my heart pounding.

"We need to talk," Alice said, coming up behind me. She shivered as she pulled on her coat. "Please."

I nodded and stood up, moving away from the club into a dark alley between two buildings. As shadows enveloped us, I turned to her.

"So, you see it now, don't you?" she said.

I nodded. "I can't fight it, I can't fight you, Alice."

"Then don't. You probably don't remember the moment we met, but I remember it with crystal clarity." Her voice hitched. "For me, it was the moment that tore my life in two, one part before you and one after. And then you started dating Jake, and I was so deeply happy for you two. But the more time we started spending together, the more I understood how …" she breathed in sharply, "how drawn I was to you."

"Alice, I—" I started to say, but she went on.

"You saw how I fought it. You were so divinely beautiful in that dress on Thanksgiving, it was like you were taunting me. I can't stop looking at you. My eyes find yours in every room. You've seen that. And this last week when Jake went away you were constantly by my side, every day Emily." She inhaled sharply, struggling to catch her breath in the torrents of emotion.

"Do you remember the day we spent in the snow? And how you dropped all your clothes on the floor, standing in your lacy underwear by the door. I wanted to touch you so badly, run my fingers over your arms, legs, stomach. I fought it. Do you remember?"

I nodded. I remembered the look on her face very well. Hunger.

"You were a friend, all this time, a good friend. But you slipped," she said.

"How?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"Mary." She laughed. "I saw what that kiss under a mistletoe did to you. All evening I saw how you tried to grapple with feelings that surfaced after she kissed me."

Anger surged in me at the reminder and I all but spat, "I hated it. I hated how she acted so familiar with you, always touching you. And then the two of you were talking so comfortably outside."

"We were talking about you."

"What?" I breathed.

"She asked me how it felt to have a crush on my brother's girlfriend. She did suggest I have consolation sex with her though."

My fingers flexed into a tight fist. Alice saw it.

"Of course I refused. How could I not? When all my thoughts were glued to one person, who got dead drunk, by the way, after seeing me getting kissed by another girl."

"I didn't get drunk because of you," I said.

"Liar," she whispered, softly.

And she was right. I remembered every time she looked at me with that longing, only now seeing it for what it was. I pressed my back to the wall of the alley. The bricks icy cold against me.

"You should have kept it to yourself," I lashed.

"I did, it was you who didn't."

She stepped closer to me, and lifted her hand to my face, catching a strand of my hair. Alice smiled. And it was the smile I loved, kind and loving. She drew her fingertips over my brow, my cheek, and I hated how my eyes closed just for a second, imagining how it would feel to kiss her. But it would never happen. I couldn't hurt Jake that way. And I knew that if I touched her lips with mine I wouldn't be able to stop. I knew it would hurt her, him, me.

I opened my eyes and saw her watching me. She placed a hand on the wall behind me, taking one step closer. I could feel her sweet breath on my face. And it felt so right, while it was so wrong.

"I can't, Alice," I said, and stepped to the side.

A soft sob escaped my lips when I saw the pain on her face. I knew I had hurt her, but there was no other way.

"I'm sorry, but I can't," I said as I turned around and walked away.

"Emily." A whisper, a plea. I didn't look back.

I gave a wide berth to the crowd standing by the club, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I looked down all the way to my dormitory. When the building loomed around the corner I sniffed, only then noticing the hot tears that ran down my cheeks, turning to damp cold when they reached my scarf.

The building was quiet, my steps echoing on the staircase. Inside my room, I peeled off my clothes dropping everything to the floor. I was cold, shaking when I lifted the blanket and dove under it. My body curled into a tight ball as I sobbed, muffling the sound with my pillow. I hated myself for falling in love with both brother and sister. I knew how wrong it was. I thought relationships were supposed to be easy, light. That was not what I was dealt.

Sometime in the night, I drifted to sleep. I was grateful there were no dreams.