Chapter Twelve

Miranda invited everyone who stayed in town to Christmas dinner at their house. We had planned to do Secret Santa so I stood outside with a big bag of presents. Feathery snow circled around me as I waited for Alice to pick me up.

Her Beetle was visible from a massive distance as it crawled along—its sunshine yellow exterior contrasting with the snowy roads. She stopped right at my side and threw open her door. She put on her white beanie, her long hair flowing in waves from under it. She was wearing an enormous white coat and gray UGGs, her hands hidden in fluffy mittens. Alice circled around the car and threw her arms around me.

"Happy Holidays," she said, all smiles, the dimples playing at her cheeks.

I laughed. "Hey."

She opened the trunk and it was full of presents, all packed in colorful wrapping paper. I placed my bags beside them.

Inside, an old Metallica song was playing quietly—as quietly as Metallica can be anyway. The smell of chocolate hit my nostrils as she closed the door and took off the mittens. Two cups were placed in a holder and a small bag of Hershey's Kisses sat on a dashboard.

She took the cups and put one in my hands.

"Today's a big day: the hot chocolate day," Alice said, in an official tone. She was radiant.

We clinked our cups together, or bumped them together at least. The plastic made no sound and Alice whispered, "Clink," before she took a sip from hers. I did the same. The sweet taste of hot chocolate filled my mouth. It was sprinkled with spices—cinnamon and vanilla. Alice took the Hershey's from the dashboard and popped two of the chocolates into her mouth.

She dropped the bag in my lap.

"Enjoy," she said and winked at me.

Another Metallica song was starting up in the speakers. I cranked up the volume as Alice shifted into drive. She was already bobbing her head to the rhythm, tapping on the wheel, and when the lyrics started she opened her mouth and sang Whiskey in the Jar along with the front man.

This was the strangest start of a Christmas I had ever had. A girl in white with deep gray eyes, who sang by my side to the guitar riffs, in a car that smelled like a candy store I visited as a kid. Alice turned to me when she stopped at the traffic lights, and I smiled back at her, opening my mouth to sing, because I knew every word of this song, every pause and change, remembering as my Dad bellowed it. A memory of him squeezing my shoulder, smiling too, and singing washed over me. As we sang along, I felt him. He was right by my side.

* * *

There were fifteen people crammed into Miranda and Brian's house. It was difficult to find a place not only to sit but to stand.

Christmas songs played from a portable speaker the size of an old boombox. I snapped a picture of the room and a selfie of me and Alice and sent them to Jake. He sent one of him back, a selfie with a long table of smiling faces in the background.

"It seems that everyone who could have gone to my parents showed up," Alice said, looking at the picture.

"You have a big family," I said, counting at least thirteen people in the photo.

"These are only those who live within a five-mile radius of my parents," she said, shaking her head. "And there are kids at a different table."

Alice made her way to the punch bowl, taking two red plastic cups and filling them up. She gave them to me to hold.

"I need to use the restroom," she said and disappeared down the hall.

Miranda held a cup in her hands as she spoke to her sister, Mary, who lived two hours away. Mary was wearing black jeans with leather boots, a cream tank top, and a leather jacket to match the boots. Her lips were blood red, the auburn of her hair darker than Miranda's. I had only met her a few times. She was a few years older than us and worked in public relations at a famous music label. She drove a classic Ford pickup—red and shiny and perfectly kept—which I was sure was parked in the single garage, pushing Brian's old Hyundai into the snow outside.

Miranda told me that Mary had had a three-year relationship with a woman who she met in university, but that the woman left her for a man and they were happily married with a baby on the way. It broke Mary's heart, and from that time she swore off the relationships, skipping from girl to girl. Being in the music industry, there was an endless supply of willing candidates who wanted to get a taste of Mary"s full lips.

But although her love life was screwed by the broken heart, she had a kind soul and was easygoing, making it simple to be around her.

I reached Miranda and threw an arm around her shoulders.

"The house is charming," I said. "I see Brian won you over on that deer."

Miranda complained for days that Brian wanted to place a big shining deer into the hall for the party, saying it would make it fun to watch drunk people stumbling around it.

"Oh, don't remind him," Miranda said, looking at Brian who was standing in a group of guys on the other side of the room. "Do you remember Mary?"

"Yes, hi," I said and she shook my hand.

"Who is that beautiful creature who came with you?" Mary asked, her eyes on Alice, who had appeared from the hallway, scanning the room.

"It's Alice, my boyfriend's sister," I said, waving at her.

When Alice saw me, she smiled a little and made her way through the crowd. Almost everyone in the room had met Alice earlier and it was fun to see how the men still followed her every movement, but I finally knew why she wasn't paying attention to them.

But it was different with Mary, she watched Alice's every step until she reached us, her deep green eyes flashing with something I struggled to recognize. I watched closely when Miranda introduced them, and I saw how Mary's eyes widened when Alice was close, how her gaze slid down her body, pausing on her chest, her hips, and looking back up. I noticed how when they shook hands, Mary grazed her thumb over Alice's wrist, finally making Alice aware of the femme fatale in front of her. Just for a second, their eyes met and Alice looked at me, moving to my side and hooking her elbow through mine.

I wanted to step between Alice and Mary's smoldering gaze. I wanted to shield Alice, even though I knew Mary—and she was not in the habit of hurting people. She was all about fun, and if Alice wanted to have some fun ... My mind trailed to a closed bedroom door, red lips trailing Alice's collarbone, moving down. I shook my head and took a few gulps of punch, which was spiked with an elephant's dose of alcohol. It made my eyes water.

It was not my place to think about what happened in Alice's bedroom, or with whom she shared it. But as I tried to wash away those thoughts, warm fingers wrapped around my own.

"Slow down, tiger," Alice said, looking at me. "I tried this potion, and it's a killer. Miranda, do you want us all crawling in half an hour?"

"Oh, I want to see some fun," Miranda laughed. "And some dark sides of people," she whispered.

"Evil," I said, noticing how my cup was half empty already, and how the room swayed a little.

"Let's play Secret Santa while everyone can stand," Miranda said, loudly.

A few days ago Miranda sent everyone a link to Secret Santa online and a guy I had met a few times before was my giftee. I asked Jake for a few suggestions, and he sent me a list of ten items. I chose cold beer coats and a travel poker set.

It was difficult to guess, people shooting names at random, but it was fun, and it was a good way to finally be reminded of some names I always forgot.

I got a beautiful canvas with a Van Gogh Starry night paint by numbers from Miranda. Alice got a pink leather planner for the next year from a shy girl I had met a few times before. Brian got a box of Christmas briefs from Mary.

When it was all over and everyone was gazing at, trying on, or playing with their new toys, I found Alice and offered to drop our gifts at the car.

"I'm afraid that some drunk might step on my new hobby in a few hours," I said.

She gave me the car keys and I ventured out to find my jacket. I walked the few minutes to her car. There were so many guests at the house that the yellow Beetle stood farther than I remembered. The snow had picked up and it was covered in a fine coat of white already.

I dropped the presents on the back seat and made my way back to the brightly lit house. When I stepped closer I heard cheers and whoops, and when I stepped inside I noticed that someone had hung mistletoe in the hall and that two people were standing under it. I didn't want to register how my heart sank when I saw who it was.

Alice and Mary.

People circled them, clapping. Alice was relaxed when she moved to kiss Mary's cheek, but a few inches before she could reach her cheek, Mary slid her fingers under Alice's chin, turning her face and landing her lips on Alice's. Alice's muscles tensed. Her fists curled. And I watched Mary's hand encircling Alice's waist. I wanted to rush to them, but before I got a chance to take a step forward, it was over. Mary was smiling, the crowd was roaring, and Alice stood there with her fists still clenched, red on her lips.

Mary made it look sexy, she made everything look sexy. And she laughed away, joining the spirited and drunken group.

There was no denying the pain in my chest when their lips met and, even as Alice was surprised, I saw how her lips parted, inviting the kiss.

I took a step back, and Alice found my eyes. They widened when she saw me, a thousand emotions written on my ashen face. She was my friend, why was my body reacting to her being kissed with such violence? I wanted to hurt Mary, I wanted to shield Alice. I wanted her all to myself, to be her only friend. And I felt nauseated by all these thoughts. She deserved happiness. She deserved fun. Mary could give her fun. My stomach clenched at that thought, and I bolted upstairs to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and turning the lock with a thunderous click.

I pressed my fingers to my flaming cheeks, trying to calm the fire of the unwelcome feeling. I hated myself so much in that moment. As I looked in the mirror, the dark waves of my hair framing my dark eyes, my nose ring glistening in the bathroom light, I realized I knew the name of what I was feeling. With burning clarity, I realized that I was jealous. Jealous of Mary's lips pressed into Alice's, her hand around the slim waist of my friend. And I had no reason to feel that way. I was with her brother, Jake. Oh, Jake. I missed him, I needed him, but he was not the one who could help me untangle my feelings. No one could.

I dropped my head into my hands as someone rattled the handle, an urgent banging on the door.

I glanced at myself again and exited the bathroom, getting an accusatory look from one of Brian's pals.

I walked downstairs slowly, finding Miranda in a group of girls crowded on the sofa. Alice was sitting on a big pillow on the floor, Mary's knee almost touching hers as she sat in a lotus pose by Alice"s side.

I felt Alice studying me, her eyes following my movements. I looked briefly at her. Her face was stricken with worry, but something new blossomed there, something light and warm.

I smiled weakly and turned my gaze to Miranda.

They were discussing a new series on a streaming service. It seemed lately that everyone was talking about it. I turned and made my way to the punch bowl, pouring myself a generous amount.

Someone bumped me from behind, and as I turned I heard Brian apologizing, grabbing the scoop I had been holding a second ago.

"Hey," he said, his voice so unusually stretched. "Where's Jake?"

"He's back home with his family."

"Shame," he said and took a huge gulp of the orange liquid. His eyes turned back to the girls sitting on the floor. "I see Mary found herself a friend for Christmas night. That kiss was hot. And I don't mean anything when I say that you need to hide your feelings better. I was standing across from you when they kissed, I saw how your face changed."

I turned to him, my eyes going wide.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said just as Alec appeared by his side. He just winked at me and disappeared down the hall.

The party was not going as I had planned. People around me were getting drunker by the second thanks to the concoction Miranda had cooked up. My own horizon had started to tilt a few hours before. I talked to people, drawn to conversations I didn't care about. At some point, the music turned loud. Bodies swayed, the house vibrating. I looked around and couldn't find a familiar face. Miranda, Alice, Mary, Brian, they had all disappeared.

I went upstairs and found Miranda and Brian kissing loudly by their bedroom door, his hand under her sweater. Their bodies were so close, pressed into each other. And in a second they disappeared into the bedroom.

I used the bathroom and went downstairs. The bass boomed through the house and felt heavy on my chest. I realized I wanted to flee all of it. I tried to find Alice, asking people if anyone had seen her.

"She's outside with Mary," someone replied.

Of course.

I found my jacket in the pile and yanked it free. It was only fifteen minutes by foot to my dorm, so I bundled myself up in my coat and crossed through the mayhem. I stopped with my hand on the door handle, looking outside. Alice was sitting on the porch with Mary, a thin cigarette pressed to Mary's blood lips. Her eyes were on Alice, while Alice looked away, across the street. I jerked my hand away and looked back. Even if I used the back entrance, they would see me crossing the snow-covered lawn.

Mary moved closer and her hand covered Alice's. My heart sank. And I was too drunk to register that feeling or make any sense of it.

I turned away and crossed through the house, pushing the back door open. Somebody turned the volume down and it revealed a soft murmur of voices.

Once outside I looked around, grabbing the banister, my world tilting. Damn, there was no way out, only through the front of the house.

I pulled my hood up and stepped onto the fresh snow. No one had been out there that day. The snowflakes drifted around in a slow dance as I stopped, swaying. Why did I drink so much?

One foot in front of another, and I'd be home soon.

Of course, they saw me.

"Emily?" I heard Alice's voice.

I turned to face them.

"Hey, I …" I mumbled, my voice slurring, "I'm going home. Bye. You two have a great night."

Mary laughed lightly while Alice stood up and crossed the lawn, finding my shoulder and tilting me back upright.

"God, you're drunk."

"Nah, I'm fine," I said. "Go have some fun."

"I'm going to take you home."

I shook my head. "I can take care of myself."

"Can you?" She asked as her face swayed in front of me.

Alice turned to Mary. "We're leaving." Mary nodded. "Uhm, thanks for the talk."

"Sure," Mary said and butted her cigarette in a red cup in her hand.

Alice wrapped her hand around my waist and we walked slowly down the street, her hand steadying me.

"You still have her lipstick on your lips," I said.

"Does it bother you?"

"No," I said and she looked at me, her brow curved upward. "Yes. I don't know. You didn't want that kiss, I saw how you tensed."

"It was just a kiss, under stupid mistletoe."

"You could have had so much more tonight with her."

"I know."

We walked slowly, the yellow Beetle peeped out from under the snow. "I'm sorry," I said.

"For what?"

"That you have to leave now, because of me. You can go back, you know."

Alice stopped and turned to me. The light from the decorations on the house played on her cheeks. "I don't want to go back, okay? I don't need it, I don't want her."

"Who do you want?" I asked.

She just shook her head, looking away into the night.

"There are snowflakes on your lashes," I whispered and swayed again, my hand landing on the Beetle's hood in the snow, stinging.

"What the hell did Miranda put in that punch?" Alice said, opening the door for me and holding my head while I fell into the passenger seat.

Sitting in the cold car should have cleared my mind a little, but as soon as we were moving and the heater started sending waves of hot air around, my eyelids suddenly became very heavy. The world dimmed.

"Emily, you have to wake up," a voice said. I opened my eyes and slowly looked around. The car was parked in front of my dorm. "You need to show me the way. Where are your keys?"

"Here," I said and pointed to my pocket.

Alice nodded and turned off the engine. Cold air rushed into the car when she opened her door. She thankfully closed it behind her. She crossed quickly to my side and opened the door for me, the icy air blasting me again.

"Come on, Emily," she said and lowered herself to me.

Surprisingly, the short ride sobered me just an inch, and I stood up, her hands holding mine. I marched to the entrance and opened the door, Alice right behind me. We managed to climb the four flights of stairs uneventfully, and in a few moments, I was in my room.

She looked around, taking in the fairy lights, the monochrome decorative pillows on my bed. Luckily my room was not a mess as it often was. Her eyes lingered on the photo of my Dad I had on the table, and then on the one on my shelf where we were laughing together.

I sat on my bed, almost missing it, and bent over to untie my shoes. My jacket fell to the floor from my weight on the bed. God, it was difficult to control my movements.

"Do you want to undress?" Alice asked as my head finally connected with my pillow.

"No," I murmured. "You know, the room is tilting like I'm on a ship."

"You're not." She laughed.

"You have a beautiful laugh," I said, turning to the left, slowly drifting away.

Alice sighed from far away, and in a few moments, she draped a duvet around me.

Even as the world was tilting, as I lay down behind my closed lids, I saw bright spots dancing in an intricate pattern. Warmth spread inside my chest and I felt that I was cared for in a way I hadn't felt for a long time.

"Merry Christmas," she said quietly.

I wanted to say it back, thank her, thank her for being with me but the sleep dragged me into its depths.