Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

TEN MONTHS LATER…

EMERSYN

T he Christmas tree looked fantastic in the downstairs living room. The guys had to shift the pool table over along with the new gaming system to make room for the nine-foot tree we’d picked out. We’d actually chosen several trees. One for the school, one for Vaughn’s shop, another for Kellan’s place, one for down here and another one for our suite upstairs.

The whole place was going to be hosed down in Christmas. Lights, decorations, and more. We were even planning a huge Christmas feast for us the night before so we could devour leftovers on Christmas Day after we delivered meals around the area.

We’d adopted over a dozen local families. I was excited about the fact we were going to play Santa’s Vandals rather than his elves. Making the holidays about other people and making their wishes come true was fantastic . I even had a surprise planned for Theo, not that he’d asked for anything.

His first Christmas with us had been full of surprises. I hated learning that he’d never truly celebrated before. In so many ways, we’d had such radically different lives. In others? We were too much alike.

The fact we’d tried to spoil him last year hadn’t gone over well. Mickey and Rome caught his discomfort, so we’d dialed it back. This year, though? I had a plan.

It started with a little ski trip that Liam was surprising me with, between Christmas and New Year’s. Theo was going as Liam’s “cover” and when we got there, Bodhi and Lainey would just happen to be there with Levi and Andrea.

I was ridiculously excited with the sneakiness of it. More because Theo missed his friends, but he wasn’t comfortable with their lifestyle. Or at least, that was what he kept saying. I suspected it was something else, but he wasn’t trusting me with more information.

Hopefully he trusted someone else. Maybe Mickey or Jasper or Freddie. Until then, I would just have to stealthily smother him with affection and make sure he got time with those he cared about in safe for him locations.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I tugged it out to silence the alarm before pivoting to head upstairs. Everyone had somewhere to be tonight, even me. Though tonight was about a date and I needed to take a shower before he got here.

I’d come straight from the school and I’d actually done my own training there after the kids left for the day. Once upstairs, I grinned at our tree in here. The whole room sparkled with lights. They’d swapped out all the white fairy lights with colored ones. Then added an attachment that would shift the light colors in time to whatever music we played.

It was absolutely magical.

I paused on the way to my room and pivoted to study the decorations. Something had… Then I saw it. Someone had wrapped the stapler and the axe in Christmas lights and tinsel.

A snort of laughter escaped me. It was absolutely ridiculous and perfect. I would have to figure out who did it later. Maybe. Then again, maybe I could just enjoy the surprise. I had a few for the guys I’d been secreting away.

I hurried into the shower, the last thing I wanted to do was be late because I was just swooning over all the decorations. Then again, it was hard not to. The guys had gone all out and I loved it so much.

With that in mind though, I got the shower going, stripped and jumped in. If I lit a fire under my ass, I could get my hair washed and blown dry before Freddie got here. I’d just ducked my hair under the water to rinse the shampoo when there was a knock on the door.

“Hey, Boo-Boo,” Freddie said as the door opened. “You decent?”

“Nope,” I told him cheerfully. “Hot, wet, and a little soapy at the moment.”

He chuckled. “I thought I’d heard you come in.”

Crap! “I didn’t realize you were already back, didn’t you have tests today?”

“Yep, finals were this morning. Knocked them all out and came back early.” The door closed but he didn’t retreat and that was fine. “Not going to lie, I’m glad they are done.”

“Yeah?” I reached for the conditioner. “Do you feel good about them?” His first semester had been tough. He’d wanted to give up more than once, but the summer had been much better. Last time we’d talked about it, he’d liked the classes for the fall semester much more.

“Actually… I do.” A moment later the curtain slid back and a very naked Freddie eyed me. “Mind if I join you?”

Conditioner ran into my eyes as I stared at him. The sting had me turning into the water to rinse them and helped stop me from staring. “Not at all.” Then because every daring moment should be applauded, I added, “This is new.”

“I was standing out there thinking about doing it, imagining it…” The heat of his chest brushed against my back. The presence of him was just there, not quite touching but unmistakable. “I wanted to be able to just get naked and slide in here like it was normal as hell.”

“So you did it.” I let out a happy little sigh of satisfaction. “You just got naked and joined me.”

“Yeah.” A measure of disbelief rippled through his voice. Then his hands came to rest on my hips. “What do you say to a change of plans for tonight?”

His naked body against mine had me thinking about a lot of things and none of them had anything do with our original plans. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure what those plans were. I tilted my head so I could look up at him.

“What did you have in mind?”

When he slid his arm around my middle and tugged me me to him, I wanted to close my eyes. Freddie and I had experimented a lot over the past few months.

Blowjobs had taken a while, and he still preferred the dark for them, and I was okay with that. I’d be okay with anything that gave him pleasure.

“I was thinking,” he said, nuzzling a kiss to my ear. The weight of his erection was against the seam of my ass and his hand spread over my abdomen. The act was asking me to lean on him, so I did. “I was thinking I want you to push me tonight.”

“Freddie…” We had pushed it a couple of times in the past six months. The last time hadn’t gone well at all. I didn’t want him tearing himself up about it. Not again.

“I know,” he said, resting his chin on my shoulder as he began to rub slow circles with his palm. The water left us both slick, but he was drifting down toward my cunt and then away again. It was a delicious tease, and a relaxed one. “I know what happened last time. I think I know what happened then, and I know how to face it now—or at least…”

He released such a harsh breath that I turned so I could meet his gaze. This close, it scraped my nipples against his chest. The scars on his skin were visible. Some from fights. Some from cutting. Others so old, he couldn’t remember when he’d gotten them.

The scars were another reason he didn’t want the lights on when I touched his cock or when I swallowed him. He didn’t want me to see. “You don’t have to do this,” I told him. “We have all the time in the world.”

“But Boo-Boo, I want more . I want to be able to do more with you. We’ve been so close so many times and I don’t freak out… last time, it was because I hadn’t shown you the scars.”

We hadn’t turned off the lights. It just hadn’t occurred to me. We’d been playing and pushing, then his shirt had come off. He’d kissed me and when I ran my hands over his back, he’d frozen.

It had taken a moment for the rigidity to register, but it was too long. Too long before I’d pulled my hands away…

Freddie cupped my face in his wet palms. “Boo-Boo, it wasn’t you. I know I rabbited. Not my proudest moment.”

“I just never want to be what hurts you.” It had been hours before he’d come back. The only thing that had kept me from going after him was Jasper’s message that he’d found him.

“You weren’t,” Freddie said, searching my eyes. “I promise you, it was definitely me. Not you. I panicked…” The words stuttered for a moment, like his breath coming out in little hard pants.

He gripped one of my hands and pressed it to his chest, just over his heart.

“I panicked because I’d never told you about some of the scars. Then I remembered how bad some of them are and that I don’t know where they came from. Especially…”

Eyes closed, he deepened his breaths as we stood under the spray of the water. Bit by bit, the wild pound of his heart began to slow to a more even tempo. When his eyes opened again, he seemed calmer.

“Been practicing breathing exercises. Learned them in one of my trauma groups.”

Group sessions. He still didn’t like them, but he’d discovered that they were useful. That had happened over the summer as part of one of his therapy courses and dealing with troubled youths. He’d attended at first for understanding. Then stayed because he actually learned.

“I’m still really proud of you about that,” I reminded him.

His smile was sheepish and his face flushed. But that could just be the hot water in here. “I kept thinking, okay just one more and now…”

“Now you’re starting to help lead them.”

He lifted his shoulders. “The kids in these groups, some of them are a lot like me. They hate themselves so much. They blame themselves for everything that happened and I thought that was kind of bullshit. I mean, I didn’t hate myself except…”

I raised my brows and waited.

“Except you know, I did.” That confession had come a month earlier. Was it possible to be so desperately sad and happy at the same time?

Probably.

“I get it.”

“I know you do,” he murmured. “You’re the biggest help of all. You listen. You ask questions. But you’ve never judged or looked at me differently.”

“You don’t with me,” I said. “Confession is our thing.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, it is…”

“But you were saying,” I pulled him back to earlier before his breathing had grown so ragged.

“You also don’t let me get away with shit,” he said, this time his grin was pure open joy. “A fact I deeply love, but don’t tell the guys or they’ll think it’s something I want them to do.”

I laughed as he dropped a kiss on my lips. “Stop stalling,” I nudged him.

“We’re having a moment here,” he teased before he pressed another kiss to the corner of my mouth. “Working on having a lot more.”

“Hmm-hmm. Go back to the scars, Freddie. You want to tell me something so we can push past the freaking out.”

“I really do love when you get bossy, Boo-Boo.” His low groan was a decadent little stroke of sound. “But, you’re right.” Shoulders squaring up, he locked his gaze on mine. “Especially the scars around my dick. They aren’t pretty. I used to think it left me a little deformed, but it’s just places I was burned or they did whatever they did.”

He shrugged like it didn’t matter, but we both knew better.

“I panicked because I thought it would upset you and I couldn’t explain them and I hadn’t said anything. Then it was just…blind panic.”

When I raised my arm to show the feather decorated tattoo on the inside of my forearm, he nodded.

“Yeah, just like those. Mementos of ugly moments. Only, I can just speculate for most of them on what they are from. I’ve never wanted anyone else to see. Always avoided being naked around anyone else. Even the guys. When I couldn’t avoid it, they always made a point to not look at me.”

“It helped.” That wasn’t a question.

He nodded once. “It’s why I could rub myself off on your ass. Or why I liked the lights off when I would feel that beautiful mouth on me. I could pretend that I was normal.”

He was killing me.

“But I don’t want to pretend anymore.” He dropped his hands back to my hips and took a step back. “I never want to pretend with you again.”

I licked my lips. “So it’s okay if I look at you?”

“Please?”