Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

EMERSYN

A ll too soon, our break was over, and we were back on the road. Unlike the first weeks of the tour, this relaunch seemed to pulse with its own energy. The other members of the company had shown up for the introduction of new material. Their enthusiasm had been immediate and right in the forefront for our first round of rehearsals.

The fire dance was still out—for now— I wanted more time to work on it and practice. Maybe for something special near the end of the tour. Rome and I had worked out a full set that he could join me on right in the middle of the show, then he would retreat and come back out for the grand finale.

While one of our dances had originally been choreographed with Eric in mind, we’d amended it until the only person I thought of on that stage with me was Rome. The Vandals had shown up for debut night for the new tour. All of them, and Milo too. Theo had even been out there in the audience.

Theo seemed to be the only one who really was captivated by all the stage lights and sounds. More because he couldn’t fathom this life. Well, that and probably all the boobs on display when he’d come backstage after the show. Mickey and Milo kept him moving though.

The next ten weeks passed in a blur of activity, including two trips home. One to sign off on the paperwork for the block purchases and renovations. A second to let Vaughn talk to the contractors about what he wanted in his shop.

The fact he was ready to open a studio again was everything. Everyone healed differently and at different rates. Still, the best part of our family and my guys, we were all committed to supporting each other.

SIX MONTHS LATER…

It was spring again in Braxton Harbor, the cold wintry weather gave way to the cold, rainy spring. I loved it. My birthday had been a wonderful celebration with all my guys. Even Freddie pushed himself. We discovered new layers of intimacy, though he hadn’t been able to get as far as he’d wanted.

Still, further than we’d managed before and every inch he stole back for himself was a win . The weather had been raining on and off, so I took the car to the dance school rather than walk. I had hired two new instructors and they would be starting over the next two weeks.

We’d been discussing another tour but I didn’t want to leave my kids without their classes. In addition to background checks and vetting, Jasper had the rats follow the teachers for weeks in their normal lives to make sure they weren’t hiding anything.

Honestly, if it were about anything else, I might think it was overkill. In this case, however, it was about my dance kids and I didn’t want anything to touch them. The school was a safe space for them and I intended to make sure it stayed that way.

Freddie leaned against the front door of the school waiting for me when I pulled in. He had his hair pulled back into a leather tie. The look was equal parts casual and fierce. He straightened as I climbed out of the car.

“Hey there, good looking,” he said with a slow smile. “Are you busy?”

“I could be,” I said, bumping the door closed with my hip before locking it. “But I have to warn you that I have a boyfriend or two. They don’t always like when guys try to pick me up.”

“One or two?” He scoffed. “I can handle one or two.”

Chuckling, I headed toward him. “Can you handle seven?”

“Seven?” He pressed a hand against his chest. “You need seven boyfriends?”

“Absolutely,” I said, pushing up on my toes to meet him as he dipped his head for a light kiss. “Need, adore, and want, every single day.”

He grinned. “Fine, fine. I can take a hint.”

Snorting, I nudged him to the side as I used my keys to unlock the door. “Good. Because I expect an ice cream date on our first sunny day.”

It took him a beat and then he laughed. “Yes, you’re right. I did lose the last game of pool.” He followed me inside. “But I forgot we bet on ice cream.”

“We didn’t,” I said as I entered the code to disarm the system. “I just decided right now you owe me ice cream on a date.”

Still chuckling, he followed me in and swept the place with a look. I let him prowl through. The dance school wasn’t huge. We had three dance rooms, a dressing room, a storage area, and a bathroom. There were also lockers up here in the front for the kids to store their stuff when they came for class.

While Freddie did his sweep, I settled in behind the desk and booted up the computer. I wanted to print out the schedules before the new instructors got here. Once we went over everything, I’d be here with them to facilitate the meeting of the classes and to get the kids used to the new faces.

I’d been split on hiring new teachers, but I also enjoyed the touring and the guys were wildly supportive of it. I liked being able to dedicate the time to fund raising, and to giving new dancers and performers their first break.

“All clear,” Freddie said as he wandered back into the front.

“Thank you for checking.” As the pages printed off with the class rosters and schedules, I glanced at him. “You okay?”

There was a nervous, kind of jittery energy around him despite the playfulness from earlier. “I am,” he said, doing a little drum against the countertop. When I raised my eyebrows, he blew out a breath and grinned. “I really am, Boo-Boo, I promise. I just… I have an idea and I’ve been kind of stuck on the idea for a while.”

“Okay,” I said, stapling the two sets of pages into separate sets before focusing on him. The stapler at the school was a duplicate of my stapler, and a gift from Freddie. The corner of his mouth kicked up when he saw me use it. “Do you need to talk to me about it?”

Need. Not want. Sometimes we could want to say everything and still not get the words out. Need, however, need meant we had to find a way and sometimes we could use help to get there.

He paced away from the desk and then back again before he stripped off his leather jacket. The black t-shirt he wore was untucked from the similarly dark jeans. He cut a nice figure. I’d noticed the muscle he’d been putting on the past few weeks, but he hadn’t brought it up so I left it alone.

“When we were on the tour,” he said, halting his pacing and focusing on me. “I scored.”

My stomach bottomed out.

“There was a guy selling outside the venue, and it had been a tough week. It—you know, that part doesn’t matter. Every day can be a tough day, I don’t want to make excuses for myself. I got the drugs, paid for them from the petty cash I was keeping in case you wanted coffee or a fast sugar hit from donuts.”

His smile was a little sickly.

“I didn’t plan it, but it was there and I had the opportunity and I just…” He spread his hands and my heart broke for just how miserable he looked. “I flushed it down the toilet before the show was over that night.”

Relief spilled through me and it took everything I had not to blow out that ragged breath. Freddie needed to tell me so I needed to listen.

“I told Vaughn,” he said, then raised a hand. “Don’t get mad at him for not telling you. I begged him not to.”

“The week you came back here, when Liam came to hang out at the show with us. You said Jasper needed you here.”

Had they all been in on it? Of course they would be and that was fine, they were his brothers, his friends, and his family.

“Yes.” He grimaced. “I needed to talk to Doc and to Jas and to just… I needed to level out because even though I flushed it, I was back to thinking about it and I didn’t want to slip, Boo-Boo.” He planted his hands on the counter and leaned forward. “I never want to slip.”

“I know,” I said, accepting him at his word.

“I almost did.” He pushed off the counter and paced around the room. “The guys have wanted me to go to rehab for years, but…”

I made a face. Rehab was far too much like Pinetree. Far too much like the places that had hurt him before.

“Exactly,” he said, meeting my gaze. “Doc has been great. All of the guys have been. When I need to talk to them, all I have to do is pick up the phone. I’ve gone to a few of Doc’s support group meetings with some of his rescues.”

Rescues. I hated that term and at the same time, it fit.

“I don’t always say anything, I just sit in and I listen. I listen to their stories and… they resonate, you know?” Hands on his hips, he ceased his pacing and stared at the toes of his shoes. “When you came to me about the boys in your dance class a few weeks back, I made the time to talk to them. What I didn’t tell you was that it scared the shit out of me to do it.”

I opened my mouth, but Freddie held up a hand.

“Let me finish and whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. I wanted to help you. I wanted to help them. But, I mean look at me, some days it feels like I can barely help myself. How was I supposed to help them?”

It took everything I had to not respond and to let him tell me in his own way. That was how it worked with us, we let each other slide on little things, but never the big ones.

Never when we needed to be heard.

“Thank you,” he said in an almost hushed whisper. Steeling himself with a deep breath, he focused on me. “You asking me for help was a big step to me. Me wanting to help was another big step. At the end of the day, when I was standing in front of those guys, all I could do was talk to them the way I wished someone had spoken to me. Only…”

My nerves were stretched taut, but I bit down on the inside of my lip and said nothing.

“Only the words wouldn’t come. Then I remembered Ms. Stephanie and how she would just sit down next to me and be there. She’d ask, but she didn’t push. If I didn’t want to talk, she’d say that was okay, she could just hang out with me.”

Tears burned behind my eyes at the depth of emotion in his voice. The longing and the affection.

“She used to make me crazy. Why wouldn’t she just go away? But she never gave up on me. Jasper was the same, but you know how Jasper is. He’s aggressive in looking after you.”

We shared a smile. He wasn’t wrong. Jasper could be very aggressive in his need to protect us. “We love him for it.”

“Yes,” Freddie said with a nod. “We do. But Ms. Stephanie was different. She never gave up, but she never crowded me. She never forced anything from me. If I confided in her, it was always my choice and until that moment, standing in front of those kids, I hadn’t realized it. I hadn’t understood how much power she gave back to me every single time.”

Or how much it meant to him. I swallowed around the lump of emotion in my throat.

“So, I leaned on Ms. Stephanie and I listened with my head and my heart, just like she did. I asked the kids, neither were really ready to talk. So I just hung out, I was just there. It took them some time to trust me, and you know, that was okay. I played basketball with them at the court down the street. It wasn’t a fast process, but they came around and then they told me what was happening. They told me so I could help.”

The wonder trickled back into Freddie’s voice.

“Me, Boo-Boo. But more importantly, them. It took me so long to really hear what Ms. Stephanie had been telling me forever, but I heard her and I was able to do that for them.”

He scrubbed a hand over his face, as if suddenly becoming aware of the tears on his cheeks.

“I know you’re planning to go back on the road. I said I would go, but I don’t think I can be there full time, not this time.”

“Okay,” I said, accepting that immediately. If Freddie needed anything…

“What I mean is, I’m going to enroll in school. There’s a social work program offered at the state university. I want to help kids. I want to do for them what Ms. Stephanie did for me. I want… Sobriety is always going to be a lifelong fight, but I can do that and I can help others too.”

I pushed the chair back and circled the desk as he tracked my movements.

“I still want to be there with you too, but classes might take up a lot of time.”

“Please say I can hug you,” I said as I closed the distance. He answered by opening his arms and I practically threw myself at him.

“Is that okay with you?” The question came out in a hushed whisper. “I know I said I would always be there, but I want to do this too.”

“Freddie,” I said, pulling back only far enough to meet his gaze and I didn’t try to slow my own tears. “It’s more than okay. If you want it, then I want it for you. I want to support you, and if that means classes, or study buddies, or nude pics to encourage you when I’m out of town—you got it.”

“Boo-Boo, I love you,” he said, then canted his head to the side. “Nude pics for only when you’re out of town?”

I burst out laughing. “Maybe you get something special for starting a new challenge.”

“Oh, I like incentives,” he said, then lowered me to my feet. “I haven’t told the guys yet.”

My heart fisted.

“I wanted to tell you first.”

“Thank you for telling me,” I said. “I can be there when you tell them or you can just do it, but I guarantee you they are going to want to support you.”

Freddie sniffled and then laughed. “Liam’s probably going to want to send me to some fancy school.”

“Probably, but you should let him pay for part of it, even if you want to earn your own way.” He’d earned money on the tour, not that I think he’d ever touched it. But they all had, the tour had paid them for their time. “He likes being your big brother.”

Pressing his forehead to mine, he sighed. “I know he does. It’s kind of funny when he and Jas argue about who is the best.”

Yes, it was. Even more so because it showed Freddie how much they loved him.

“When do you want to start?”