Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

EMERSYN

O nce we were back at Clubhouse, we headed straight to the studio. Among the reasons I mentioned it to Kel was that I needed the others to let us have the time without feeling excluded, and because Freddie deserved the attention. They would never begrudge him, but he would also be less inclined to say he needed the specific time or he’d want to slip away to not “bother” us.

That whole turn of phrase bothered me more. Freddie didn’t bother anyone. He would put himself last and had for far too long. The others saw it and so did I, but it was also why when he asked for anything the answer would be yes. Once we were inside the studio, I slid off my shoes next to the door, then locked it. He toed off his own shoes before following me into the middle of the room. He glanced at his socks then at me, but I waved at him to keep them on for now.

I didn’t usually care if anyone came in to watch me practice or rehearse. Today was not about me though. Coffee cup in hand, I took another drink then stole a look over my shoulder at him.

Since I finished the first cup before we were even back to my favorite shop, Freddie indulged me by sliding in to get us fresh cups. He shifted in place, one hand going to the back of his neck. The nervous energy vibrated in the air around him.

Not pushing right now, I diverted to the stereo system and flipped through the CDs the guys had collected for me, as well as the ones I’d added over the past several months. At the top were several playlists from the tour. I moved them aside. I wanted something else entirely.

“I haven’t really decided on a favorite song,” Freddie admitted and I flicked a look up to catch him watching me in the mirror.

I grinned. “We have time.” Holding his gaze, I raised one of the CDs. “Trust me to pick a couple for us to get started with?”

“I trust you with everything,” he said easily. Almost too easily. A cloud drifted across the clear blue of his eyes as his shoulders drooped. “I should trust you more.”

“Don’t do that.” It wasn’t an order so much as a plea.

“But, Boo-Boo…”

“No buts. Don’t diminish anything about you. You have to protect you and since that’s my first choice too, I want you to protect you. You trust me as much as you can and you’re working on trusting me more.” Spinning the CD case in my hand, I pulled the scar tissue of my psyche taut. “You have been there for me on every step of this journey, even when being there cost you more than you’re willing to admit.”

Pinetree cost us both.

“You could blame me for the choices I made that forced your hand. You could have left me there.” The automatic objection filled his expression and I raised a hand to forestall his protests. “I know you couldn’t. No more than I could have left you in a similar place. Before you came…”

Old injuries were often delicate as they healed. But time and patience, could help the tissue to toughen up. The rigid marks in my head were much like the ones on my arms, only invisible to anyone else. Art might dress up my forearms, but it didn’t erase them. Nothing could erase them.

Oddly, I no longer felt the need to remove them or even wipe them away. I could touch the marks and not hate them. Yes, they were from a dark moment in my past but they were also the marks of surviving that moment. They heralded a real beginning of the end for my uncle in more ways than one. An end to his ever being able to hurt me again. An end to his influence and control over my life. And finally, an end to him.

“My uncle always seemed to end people before they could help me. The doctors, the teachers, even the other dancers… Those who would have helped died or disappeared. Before you came to Pinetree, the only person who’d ever come for me again and again was Lainey.” My best friend. She took such risks for me.

“She came for you then too,” Freddie reminded me. “She answered our messages. Came to warn us where you were.”

“I know she did. She risked herself even when I would never have wanted her to.”

“You would do the same,” Freddie said without an ounce of doubt in his eyes.

A smile touched the corners of my lips. “I would. I’d do it for you guys too. You know that, right?”

“I do, Boo-Boo,” he said, his voice tight but fierce as he took a couple of steps toward me. “I don’t think I’m worth near what you are, but I know if I was in trouble—you’d come get me.” His smile turned a bit wistful. “You came that night with Jasper and the guys.”

The night he’d been jonesing. The night he’d killed to save himself.

“We’re not so bad, you know.” I dropped the disc into the player and turned it on.

“You guys are the best,” he countered before raking a hand through his thick blond hair. “I know I’m weak, and there are times when I make the bad calls, but Jasper has always come to find me… The others. Now you… Bodhi… So many people. I don’t know if I’m worth all of this, Boo-Boo.”

I hit play on the music and walked slowly toward him. “I do. When I said ‘we’re not so bad,’ Freddie. I meant you and me.”

The surprise in his eyes would never not slice at me. I knew he didn’t believe in himself. Not the way I did.

“I don’t…”

“It’s okay,” I said, holding a hand out to him as the first bars of Shawn Mendes’ In My Blood began to play. “I can believe in you until you get there. Just like you did for me.”

His sigh held so much wistfulness, yet beneath it all was that element of crippling doubt. He’d fought so many battles to be here in this moment. So this was where I would meet him. The whole time, I kept my hand extended to him because the last steps were his.

The marked hesitation extended leaving us standing there as though in a frozen tableau. I’d wait here forever if he needed it, no matter how it pulled taut all that scar tissue inside of us. When he finally settled his palm against mine, I was torn between wanting to weep and wanting to cheer. The contact was electric, and I could almost feel the tension eddying the air around him.

“Show me?” The simple request buoyed me as he closed his fingers around mine.

“Yes.” The answer was just that simple. I shifted my grip under his hand then reached for his other. His hesitation was far briefer this time. We were halfway through In Your Blood when he let me put his free hand on my waist.

“Waltzing is easy,” I told him and the surprise that fluttered across his expression almost made me laugh. “It’s a box movement, four steps, and you lead which means I follow your steps.”

“But I don’t know what my steps are supposed to be?” He frowned and looked down at our feet.

“I can follow anything you do, so I’ll show you then you just match me movement for movement.” The Mendes song segued to another, but neither of us were listening. The CD had a lot of instrumental versions of the songs all designed for performance. What I liked about them was that they were quieter and lacked words to distract.

“Okay,” Freddie said, releasing my hand abruptly and taking his hand from my waist. He shook both like he needed to get rid of the jitters. When he reached for me this time, I glided forward and his quick smile was its own reward. “Box step?”

“Box step.”

I didn’t verbalize the four-count step pattern, just moved. Freddie divided his attention between my feet and my face. It took a few tries but he was moving with me. His feet matching mine.

I wiggled his arm as we continued to make the passes around the room. The box step was an easy one and I wasn’t going to rush him. “Tighten up the frame. You don’t need to be rigid, but you want to control the motion.”

“Dirty Dancing,” he commented and I frowned.

“None of this is dirty.”

Freddie halted in mid-step, mouth open as he stared at me.

“What?”

“Dirty Dancing,” he repeated. “You know, the movie?”

I raised my eyebrows. “I don’t think I’ve seen it. I mean, I know it came out a few years ago…”

“No,” Freddie said with a groan. “The older one. Look…” He let go and held his arms up as though he were dancing with me and did a lovely box step backwards before he used his hand to swirl the air in front of him. “This is my dance space. That is your dance space. I stay in my space, and you stay in yours.”

“Yes. I mean, I wouldn’t have phrased it that way, but that’s pretty much how it works with a basic waltz.”

His smile was brilliant and he returned without any coaxing. This time, we followed the steps until he had it down. Then I moved him through a left foot change and a right. “Most of this is just the simple mechanics of it. There’s a formality to waltzing—it’s kind of like flirting, only in movement.”

“I like flirting.”

The ease in his voice relaxed the tension in me. The knot in my core eased and then we were just dancing around the room, in big sweeping motions. I almost wished I’d brought a skirt so it would swish. When he pivoted and released my waist while extending his arm, I followed the motion and did a little spin before he pulled me back.

Four more songs and then we took a quick break for water. Freddie unscrewed the cap and shook his head. “Don’t tell the guys I’m learning to waltz?”

“Your secrets are all safe with me. But the waltz is just the start.” Then, because I wanted him to maintain all the control, “How are you doing? Would you like to continue or call it here?”

He blinked. “I’m good. Are you tired? I mean, we’re on your break.”

“I’m more than good.” Elation bubbled through me. “I don’t want to push too much.”

A wider grin pulled at his mouth when he ducked his head and for just a moment, there was a flush of crimson on his cheeks. “I want you to push.”

“You’re sure?” I waited for him to lift his head and for his gaze to lock onto mine.

“I’m sure.”

I retreated to the stereo and swapped out the CDs. I had one that mixed slower songs with faster ones. Still no full lyrics. Not yet. The jazz feeling and the instrumentals would be enough.

When I walked to him, he was ready and his touch was light but perfect. Every step seemed to bring us closer. He didn’t tense up when I had a hand on his shoulder. We moved through a promenade and then a progressive change. Eventually, we were swapping leads like we were going to some charity ball.

After our next break, I changed it up. He’d mastered the waltz. I loved his dedication and focus. It let us touch and move, but now I wanted to do something a little different. But first… “Pushing is still good?”

He emptied the rest of his water bottle before he nodded. “Pushing is still good.”

It was warm in here, and the constant motion added a thin layer of humidity around us from the sweat. When he came toward me, I faced away from him. Meeting his gaze in the mirror, I curled a beckoning finger to him.

Again, he hesitated, but the smirk that took over his expression gave me a boost. “You want me to grind against your ass, Boo-Boo? Cause it’s a really nice ass.”

“You can grind if you want, but right now, you’re going to shadow me and we’re going to dance to the music.”

I grabbed the remote control and turned on the music. It was a latin beat. One I liked because it made you move and it had a lot of hip swaying. Tilting my head back, I met Freddie’s gaze again.

“Hands on my hips,” I told him, “and follow me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”