Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Four days. That’s how long it takes for Jonas to report me to the principal for “being disruptive and making it impossible to work in a group environment.” Does the principal bother talking to me to find out how I’m supposedly being disruptive? No, of course not. Not when the complaint is coming from Jonas, the school’s golden boy. When I’m asked to report to Principal Lin’s office during recess, Liam goes with me for moral support.

I sit outside Principal Lin’s office and stare at my hands, my throat sticking each time I try to swallow. I’m nervous, but it’s not because I’m about to be reprimanded. No, I’m nervous because the chairs outside the office are placed right up against each other, so Liam and I are sitting really, really close to each other. There’s only one lonely inch between our forearms, and my body is so aware of his that the hairs on my arms are standing straight up, as though they’re straining to touch him. I swear, if my arm hair grazes his arm, I am going to die. But I don’t want to move my arms away, because I don’t want him to think I’m not into him.

When my name is called, I stand on shaky legs.

“Hey,” Liam whispers.

I turn to look at him, and he winks at me, which is so adorable I could just die. “You’ll be fine,” he says. “Good luck.”

And as it turns out, I needed it. Mr. Lin crooks his index finger, summoning me inside, and with a knotted stomach, I follow. The door isn’t even closed when Mr. Lin slumps into his chair with a huge, dramatic sigh and rests his chin on his steepled fingers.

“Well, Kristabella, here we are again.”

“Uh. Hi, sir.”

“What are we going to do with you?”

My gaze skitters around the room. What am I supposed to say to that? “Um.”

“I’m very disappointed to receive this report from your classmate about you disrupting classes, especially the group project you’re supposed to be working on as a team. I’d hoped you’d settle into our school’s culture and community by now.”

I think Principal Lin fully believes that he’s conveying concern for my well-being when he says this. Problem is, he’s also getting his information from Jonas, dirtbag of the year. I take a breath before replying, reminding myself not to get shrill or indignant. “I feel that you’ve been misinformed about what’s been going on. I’ve been bullied since I got here—remember I told you how I was called Crazy Kiki? I reported that to you, and—”

Principal Lin sighs. “That’s not a big deal, is it?”

I want to scream at him. “Honestly, sir, it kind of is—”

He snorts, giving a single shake of his head like a tired horse. “Look, you need to be less sensitive, ya? You’re so…you kids nowadays, you need to toughen up. Get thicker skin. Who cares if you’re called crazy? It’s not even a bad word. Now, if you said someone called you an actual slur, that would be a problem. The student would be reprimanded. But ‘crazy’? We use that all the time, and sometimes in positive ways. ‘Wow, this ice-cream is crazy good!’ or ‘That new Batman movie was crazy!’ ” He leans back with a satisfied smile, obviously happy with his own reasoning.

“Well—” My insides are climbing up my rib cage, spitting with anger. “Sure, it’s not necessarily a slur, but I can assure you they’re not using it with me in a positive way. They’re using it as a—”

Mr. Lin waves his hand at me again, and this time his magnanimous smile is gone. He looks impatient. “Enough of this. You are so sensitive, it’s ridiculous. Or, some might even say, crazy.” He chuckles at his own joke, and I wish fleetingly that he played Warfront Heroes so I could kill him over and over again like I did Jonas. “Now, we’re here to discuss your inappropriate behavior in class.”

“My inappropriate behavior? This is ridiculous, you’re only taking Jonas’s word as evidence? Jonas is full of shit, he—”

His hand slams down on the desk. Within the small office, it’s as loud as a thunderclap, and I immediately shut up. I’m so shocked by the sudden turn that a lump forms in my throat. Principal Lin looks furious. He points a finger at me.

“Stop. Interrupting. Me,” he hisses. “My god, I’ve never come across such a rude girl. I’ve been trying to be patient with you. I’ve reminded you time and again to respect your elders, but no. You push and you push. Haven’t your parents taught you RESPECT?” The last word is barked out with such ferocity that tears immediately flood my eyes.

I can’t believe this is happening. My head buzzes. Stop it, I scold myself mentally. Do not cry. Don’t give him the satisfaction of making you cry.

Principal Lin isn’t done with me. “You’ll no longer be disruptive in your group discussions, do you understand? None of this”—he gestures at me—“this disagreeable attitude you have. Is that clear?”

No! What in the hell? It’s the furthest thing from clear.

“Is. That. Clear?” He repeats in a dangerous tone. “Expulsion won’t look good on your college applications.”

Expulsion? I want to jump up and shout at him, but my voice is gone. This can’t be real. What I’ve done—disagreeing with Jonas and coming up with a new idea with my group—that’s nowhere near bad enough to warrant expulsion, surely? And let’s not forget that I’m not the only one asking the hard questions! What about Liam? What about Peishan? They disagreed with Jonas too!

As though reading my mind, Principal Lin says, “It’s your word against his, a model student who’s done nothing but excel over the many years he’s been enrolled here. And I’ve been told that you were the first one who started disrupting the discussions. And you’re influencing other students—students who have had no previous record of misbehavior—to do the same. I’m being generous by giving you a second chance, but no more trouble out of you, mengerti?”

I stare at him dumbly until he widens his eyes and raises his eyebrows, clearly expecting an answer. And somehow, I manage a small nod.

“Good. Now you can go.”

It feels as though my feet aren’t mine. They barely understand the messages that my brain is sending them. It takes a while for them to get it, then they start marching, and before I know it, I’m out of the office and blinking in a dazed way at my surroundings.

“Hey, how did it go?”

Liam stands and walks toward me. Seeing him makes the vice around my chest release its painful grip. I feel as though I can finally breathe once more. Still, I don’t trust myself to talk just yet. If I did, I’m sure my voice would crack and the tears would start flowing, and that would be that. So I just shrug and walk out of the admin office.

In the hallway, I release some of my frustration in a long, heavy sigh.

“Wow, that bad, huh?”

“He threatened to expel me.” My voice comes out leaden, dropping out of my mouth lifelessly.

“What?!” Liam moves closer and leans forward so he can look at my downturned face.

“Yeah, he said I was behaving ‘inappropriately’—” My voice does crack, so I quickly stop talking.

“Wow. That’s such BS. I can’t believe it. Or, rather, I can believe it, because what the hell else is new? I don’t know why I expected better.” He shakes his head, then his eyes turn tender. “You okay?”

I shrug. “It is what it is.”

“No, don’t say that. You shouldn’t have to accept this. I’ll go and talk to him. I’ll explain what’s been going on.”

“No way.” I turn away so I don’t have to look at Liam. Somehow, the earnest look on his handsome face is grating on me right now. “No. I don’t want you to do that.”

“But I could tell him everything, about how Jonas has been bullying you and basically steamrolls over everyone during group discussions.”

“It doesn’t matter. He’ll just—I don’t know—he’ll shift the blame onto me somehow. Or maybe he’ll expel both of us. What’s that gonna achieve? Jonas is untouchable. He’s too well loved, and what with his parents owning an entire media conglomerate…forget it.” I can’t remember the last time I felt so defeated. So exhausted. And as I slump down the hallway back toward my classroom, it hits me that I don’t just feel tired, I feel really freaking stupid too. Because I’ve watched so many Netflix shows where the schools are progressive and the counselors and teachers and principals are receptive to the students’ needs, and I’ve been in a school like that, and so I thought—stupidly—that most schools are like that. And now, here at Xingfa, one of the biggest, most sought-after, prestigious schools in the country, I’m realizing that things haven’t really changed that much. The patriarchy is very far from being smashed. In fact, maybe they’re even a little bit worse, because we pretend that the patriarchy is done and we’re in a society with gender equality, so we can’t even fight it because the fight’s over.

How do I fight something that’s already playing dead but is still very much alive behind closed doors?

---

By the time recess rolls around, I’m still in a crappy mood. I tell Liam I’m having period cramps, because I’m done pandering to guys and have run out of fucks to give. To his credit, he doesn’t cringe or look like he’s searching for the nearest exit. In fact, he says, “That sounds shitty. Do you want me to pop down to the nurse’s office to get you some paracetamol?”

His kindness is like a knife that’s being stabbed into my belly over and over again. It’s all too much. Principal Lin threatening to expel me, Liam being the absolute nicest person about it, and meanwhile, there’s me, lying to his face, pretending online to be someone I’m not. I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak, and go to the bathroom.

I splash some water on my face and am drying my cheeks with a tissue when someone clears her throat. I turn to see two girls behind me, Peishan and another of our classmates, named Zoelle. Uh-oh. My mind immediately spits out a warning based on the countless mean-girl situations that have dominated teen movies since the eighties. Is this where I find out what being dunked headfirst into the toilet is like? At the very least, the toilets at Xingfa are sparkling clean, like an ad for toilet bleach or something. Still, I don’t really want to be dunked into one. I straighten up, planting my feet firmly and preparing to—I don’t know—fight or take flight?

“Hey, Kiki,” Peishan says, and something about it makes the tight knots in my shoulders release, just a little.

“Hey,” I say, still somewhat wary.

Peishan and Zoelle glance at each other. “We heard that you were called to the principal’s office,” Zoelle says.

My breath releases in an angry whoosh. “Yeah, I get it. I’m an embarrassment to your precious school’s reputation—”

“No!” Peishan cries. “Sorry. No, I mean—we’re angry about it. At the principal, I mean. Not angry at you.”

The rest of what I was about to say dissipates. “Really?” I can’t believe what I’m hearing. The past few weeks play across my mind. I recall how my classmates are so studious, so respectful, and so, so obedient. I shake my head. “No, that can’t be right. I didn’t earn the nickname ‘Crazy Kiki’ because people here like it when I stand up for myself.”

Peishan winces and wrings her hands. “Yeah, I—we’re really sorry about that. It’s just—” She sighs. “Zoey and I have been here since Year One. That’s, like, over ten years of strict Xingfa education.”

Zoelle does a grimace-smile. “And the entire time, we’ve been taught the same things over and over: Protect the school’s image. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t ask questions. Never talk back to your elders.”

Listening to them is depressing as hell, and I still don’t get why they’re telling me this.

“Then you came,” Zoelle says. “And you were, like, ‘Why are things this way? Why this? Why that?’ And…we relate to that. To your anger, I mean.”

“Well,” Peishan adds, “to be honest, it was kind of annoying at first.”

“Thanks,” I mutter without much venom, because what they’re saying is kind of blowing my mind. I recall my conversation with Peishan where she told me I was krill, and I feel the ghost of a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. I don’t know why. I guess this is giving me some context, at least.

“The reason it was annoying,” Peishan continues, “is because it reminded us of our own shit. All the crap we’ve learned to put up with over the years…”

“Did you know, for example, that the boys’ swim team is given preference over the girls’ team?” Zoelle says. “Every year, the boys’ team gets to choose which day and time they want to practice for the year. The girls never get first pick. And if they have an upcoming swim meet, they get to kick us out of the pool for extra practice, but if we have an upcoming meet, we’re not allowed to book extra time at the pool.”

“Seriously?” I gape at her.

“Yep. And a couple years ago, the school started a robotics club and they—like, I wouldn’t say they discouraged girls from joining—but they were very definitely prioritizing the boys. Mr. Tan was in charge of setting up the club, and he’d be, like, ‘Boys, this is a really exciting opportunity. It’ll look so good on your college apps, et cetera.’ ” Peishan scowls. “I put up my hand and was, like, ‘Teacher, is it open to girls as well?’ And he looked so surprised. He was, like, ‘Oh! Yes.’ But he didn’t say anything more about it. Then, later on, I found out he formed an email chain personally inviting a bunch of boys to join the robotics team.”

“Wow.” I shake my head, unable to find the words to convey just how enraging it is to listen to this.

“Yep, and you know what makes everything so much worse?” Zoelle says. “It’s their hypocrisy. They’re always, like, ‘We’re a progressive school! We’re raising feminists! World-class leaders of both genders!’ But it’s all just a front.”

“To be fair, they might believe in their own bullshit,” Peishan says. “They might genuinely think they’re progressive, but their own internal biases keep getting in the way.”

“Doesn’t matter if they mean to be misogynistic or not. The end result is the same,” Zoelle grumbles.

We all nod, and it dawns on me that although I feel enraged, I also feel much better. The whole reason why I was infuriated was because of Principal Lin and how differently he’d treated me and Liam. But now, knowing that I’m not the only one going through this, that I haven’t actually imagined it, that I wasn’t just being “sensitive,” it’s so affirming that I actually choke up.

“We watched Moxie when it came out on Netflix—have you seen that?” Zoelle asks.

I nod. Ironically, when I watched Moxie, I thought it was unrealistic how sexist a school could be. Ha. Little did I know.

“And you’re, like, a real-life Moxie.”

A shocked laugh escapes me. “What?”

“Okay, maybe that’s going a bit far,” Zoelle says. “I mean, you kind of gave up.”

I gape at her. “Uh, I gave up? You guys all bullied me into giving up!”

Peishan holds up her hands. “Whoa, for the record, we never joined in with the others. We never called you names.”

“Okay, so you stood by and watched as I was bullied. Good for you.”

Peishan and Zoelle exchange guilty looks. “I know. We suck. I’m sorry,” Peishan says. She reaches out and gives my arm an awkward pat. “That’s why we’re reaching out to you now.” She takes a deep breath. “I—I’m grateful that you’ve been speaking up during group discussions. I thought Jonas’s idea was…” She grimaces.

“Shitty?” I suggest. “Sexist as hell? Tired? Unoriginal?”

She gives me a reluctant smile. “Yes, all that. But I didn’t dare say anything—I mean, contradict Jonas Arifin? Are you kidding? But you did it, and I think what we’re coming up with now is so much better. I’m actually kind of excited to present it to everyone. So thank you for—you know—being different.”

Being different. What a strange concept that is. I wasn’t different at Mingyang. I blended in. I didn’t like standing out, but now I’m being thanked for it, and I don’t know what to say to that. I clear my throat. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Principal Lin told me that if I continue ‘disrupting the group discussions,’ I’ll be expelled.”

Zoelle and Peishan gape at me. “Seriously?” Peishan hisses in outrage. “He can’t do that!”

“Uh, well, he’s the principal of this school, so I think it means he can, in fact, do that.”

Peishan’s mouth flattens into a thin line. “Don’t worry. I’ll be the disruptive one during group discussions.”

I swallow. I’m not sure how I feel about this. “I don’t want to get you in trouble….”

“What’s he going to do, expel both of us?” Peishan snorts.

There’s silence. “Uh,” I say, “yes?”

“Well, there’s Liam too,” Peishan argues. “He doesn’t like Jonas’s ideas either.”

“Yeah, except he’s a guy, so I doubt he’d get in the same kind of trouble for disagreeing,” I say. This makes me feel slightly guilty, like I’m betraying Liam somehow, so I add, “It’s not his fault, but I don’t think Liam’s being held to the same standards we are.”

“Of course not,” Peishan says. “When girls do it, we’re being disrespectful. When boys do it, they’re being independent thinkers.”

“Leaders of tomorrow,” Zoelle adds.

“Thinking outside the box,” I say.

By now, we’re all smiling wryly at one another, and despite everything, I actually feel better. “Thanks for trying,” I say. “But really, I’d rather just lie low. I’ve had enough drama to last me the rest of the year.”

They give me sympathetic smiles. “Hey, speaking of which,” Peishan says, “what’s going on between you and Liam?”

My mouth snaps shut.

“Aww, look, she’s blushing,” Zoelle teases.

“I am not!” I snap. “There’s nothing going on between us. In fact, we’re both in a matchmaking scheme. To be matched with other people.” As soon as I blurt that out, I wish I could grab my words and shove them back into my big fat mouth.

They both frown at me. “A matchmaking scheme?” Peishan says, then she gasps. “Oh my god! Is that the weird app that suddenly showed up on all our iPads?”

“Um. Yes?” Oh lord, how I wish the floor would crack open and spout lava and burn all of us to a crisp. Or something less deadly.

“That’s a real thing?” Peishan says. “I thought it was a prank. I deleted the app.”

“I signed up for it,” Zoelle says.

Peishan stares at her. “What the hell, Zoey?”

“What?”

“Dude, it could’ve been malware! Or spyware!”

“But it’s not.” Zoelle turns to me. “It’s not, right?”

“Uh.” I consider this. “It’s not malware. But no promises that it doesn’t contain spyware.”

“Who’s behind it?” Peishan says.

I hesitate. “I don’t know if I can say.”

They both narrow their eyes at me. “But it’s legit, right?” Zoelle says.

“I guess? I can’t guarantee anything.”

“But you and Liam joined it.” Peishan is looking very intense right now.

I nod.

“See?” Zoelle says.

Peishan side-eyes her.

“You’re gonna be left out, girl,” Zoelle cries. “Half the girls’ swim team joined already, and the whole of the gymnastics team, both the boys and girls. And the drama club too. All the cool kids are joining!”

“Wow, really?” I say. I assumed that most people deleted the app.

“Yeah, dude, you’re underestimating how horny most of us are,” Zoelle says. “We would’ve joined anything that promises us dates.”

I laugh at that.

“And now we know that Liam’s also a member,” Zoelle says, elbowing Peishan. “She has a little crush on him.”

My stomach sinks. Of course she does.

“Zoey wants to be matched with Klodiya,” Peishan stage-whispers.

Zoelle elbows her.

“Klodiya?” I gape at Zoelle, forgetting Liam for the moment. Klodiya is in our class, but she mostly keeps to herself and seems to be so different from the kind of person I would guess someone as outgoing as Zoelle would be into.

She shrugs. “You got something against that?”

“No!” I say quickly. “I just—she’s so…”

“Stuck up?” Peishan says. “Uncool? Walks around like she’s got a stick up her butt?”

I nod. “Yeah, and you seem so chill and…the exact opposite of everything she is. But,” I add before Zoelle can reply, “opposites attract, right? Um, well, this is really cool.” Is it? I’m beginning to realize that all these people signing up means—oh god—a larger pool of girls for Liam to be matched with. Not that it matters. Look on the bright side, I tell myself. It seems like I’ve made new friends here! Wow, okay, that sounded very juvenile. But still! I’m excited to finally make some friends, even though one of them is interested in Liam. Which is totally fine. I don’t have a problem with that at all. Liam’s just a friend. A friend I’m lying to online, so. Probably best that nothing ever happens between us in real life. Not that I want anything to happen between us in real life anyway.