22. Rin

22

Rin

Roshan's complete compliance with Kuret's plan to ride him makes me feel worse than I had expected. I direct all of it into annoyance for the tall alien. Why does he have to be right? It's annoying.

I lean forward to place my hand on Roshan's furry head and he crosses both of his eyes so that he can look up at me, and it elicits a giggle. He bleats softly, like that was his initial plan, and his warm yellow eyes focus back on the road.

I can feel Kuret's eyes on me, but I don't acknowledge them. Although, the rest of my body seems to be healing up nicely, my ankle still hurts a lot from that nasty fall over the rocks, and I would only slow us down if I insisted on walking.

So, yes. I know he is right, but it doesn't stop me from being upset with him.

We need to get to shelter fast, not loiter around and possibly come across another group of genali. We wasted enough time arguing already.

I don't realize we are heading back toward the cave Tehlmar spotted until I notice the bright orange embers of the fire we lit in the makeshift hearth.

"Why are we coming back this way?" I ask him as we approach the cave.

I intentionally keep my head down so that I don't make eye contact with any of the pieces of Tehlmar's dead body. As glad as I am about the fact that he is gone, his death was more brutal than anything I have seen before.

"The cart," he points. "It will be useful if we find any other women."

I nod in agreement and try to imagine what the other women might look like. A purple-haired woman, he said.

"Do you have an idea of what these women look like?"

He adjusts his hold on Roshan's reins. "Ree mentioned they all have colorful hair, lovely like yours."

The cave looks far more intimidating than I remember it, and a shudder runs through me. I look away from it and directly at Kuret.

As he says this, his dark skin glows in beautiful patterns around his face and avoids my gaze, looking like he is searching for some imaginary lost item on the floor. There is hesitation in his voice, as if he is expecting me to take offense at his words.

I pretend not to see the patterns on his cheeks or feel the warmth in mine as I ask him if there are any other defining features besides colorful hair.

I think about how many there are—maybe seven, like the colors of the rainbow?

The rainbow idea makes little sense as my hair is white. Unless I am the cloud?

What would psychopathic aliens like the genali know about the rainbows of Earth? Does light refract the same here? I keep forgetting how different everything is now and my mind keeps going on ridiculous spirals.

I need to fix that.

"They are supposed to be in silver containers called cryogenic chambers," he stumbles over the English words, then continues, "and if we find any that are still inside, we will need to keep them there."

I nod in understanding. He must mean like the one I woke up in. I still remember how cramped I felt in mine, and it makes my throat close up a little when I think of other women in them.

Why leave them in? And why were we in them to begin with?

Another quick flash of anger at the genali blends into the background din of annoyance. Mixed in with this nagging feeling that maybe Ree can't be trusted if she plans to start a cloister.

My heart aches for allies and to have other female women around me, but I trusted Bibi and she sold me. Women can be just as prone to oppress other women, after all. Often, they are the instruments of continuing it, actually. Too worried about keeping things the same and pleasing those around them and more than willing to betray women who don't agree.

Kuret reaching for me breaks me out of another loop of anxiety. He gingerly helps me down from Roshan's back. His hands splay on either side of my stomach and my heart pounds, and I'm not sure it's just relief I feel when he lets me go. Then he goes to steer the cart closer to the cave.

The surge in my arousal leads to an equal surge in my already peaked irritation. Tehlmar was handsome too, and look where that led.

As much as I try to reason with myself, the arousal just keeps surging. Even worse than with Tehlmar, but he was horrible, so I was fighting it.

Wait, so is Kuret , I remind myself.

He immediately starts attaching the reins to the vehicle, leaving me standing there feeling useless. I try to ignore how much better he treats Roshan, but I can't help but notice.

I let out a long breath and pinch the bridge of my nose. I never thought I would wish for the confines of my brother's house, but I also never imagined… this.

The events of the last time I was there replay in my mind and my hands start to shake. Shutting my eyes, I take a deep breath and scratch at Roshan's cheeks, distracted when I touch his scars. When you can't even trust your brother…

But I push that aside. So far it sounds like it is just human women. If some women can't be trusted as allies, since they have taken on male ideals, then how do I recognize them on an alien planet? She clearly spoke English, since Kuret has been speaking words of it, and that name suggests maybe she is American.

Every terrible thing I've heard about Americans mixes in with the ridiculous things I have seen on television, then my mind pushes back that it can't all be true. Can it?

The feel of Roshan's scars pull me out of another mental spiral. I quietly gasp in Kuret's alien language when my fingers connect with the pitted holes in his cheeks once more.

Limping over in front of him, I squint and focus on undoing the knot inside the argila's mouth. He stays still for me, occasionally scrubbing my hands with his rough tongue and making me smile. It doesn't take much time to undo it, and I let out a sigh of relief.

So, not completely useless.

"Was that painful for him?" Kuret asks me, and I look at him for a moment.

He's in front of the glow of the fire, blocking it, and it makes him look much darker and his shadows look more imposing, which doesn't match his tone.

Almost like he actually cares. My heart lurches, longing to do what I know it shouldn't. Trust.

When will it learn? But do I really have a choice? And could I live such a bleak existence, anyway? Surely there is someone who won't betray me. Will I recognize them? Can I even trust… myself?

What a terrible thought. It sits like a stone in my chest, making each breath hurt. As usual, there are no answers.

My shoulders lift in a shrug. "I don't know if it is right now, but I know it was the worst pain he experienced when they did and that is enough to make it cruel."

Roshan pushes his face into mine. I adjust my weight to my good leg and scratch the place behind his ears.

Kuret is silent and staring at me again, clearly processing the weight of my words.

I am silent too. The only sound comes from Roshan fussing.

He starts to make a soft sound, and I lower my hands to the thick fur on his cheeks. I rub my fingers against the pitted scars and scratch at them softly, not wanting to go too hard in case I end up hurting him. However, he seems to enjoy it the harder I scratch, his body twitching violently.

Kuret looks surprised, and he steps away for a moment, probably for fear of being kicked.

"Hey boy, are you feeling better?" I say in Farsi and the sweet creature nibbles at my hands some more.

Somehow, his adorable little gesture wipes my irritation away, and I feel a lot better. I look at Kuret and although I can't see his face, I can tell that he is waiting for me to decide whether I want to get back on Roshan or not.

The bright light from the fire makes the velvety blue and brown of Roshan's fur shine in a weird, ephemeral way and it hits me—I am really on another planet, friends with a horribly cute argila, with an extremely violent warrior alien at my side.

I am living in a science fiction movie.

Stranded on an alien planet protected by an alien guardian and alien animal, while being hunted by an entirely separate alien race. It's almost laughable.

It's like all those movies I would never agree to sit down and watch, except this time I'm living it.

Kuret sees I am looking at the fire. "Is all well, Nasrin?"

I nod. "Well, no, but I'm fine. I'm just thinking that it might be a good idea to douse the flame so nothing can follow our trail."

As soon as I say it, I realize I had the same exact thought with Tehlmar, but didn't feel comfortable saying anything, but I just blurted it out to his killer.

I don't get a chance to think it through when Kuret speaks again. "Yes, the fire is a beacon."

"There is a bag with some supplies in there. It has some water bottles that we took from a genali camp. You can use one of them to quench the fire," I suggest and he flicks his finger on top of his other hand.

His hand glows brighter for a moment as he walks into the cave. I am confused for a minute before I decide that it must be an agreement, just like my nodding.

He holds out the water, then pauses, instead feeding it more fuel.

I open my mouth to protest, but he speaks. "I'll get you settled and then come back here to cook something, then douse it then."

My stomach tightens painfully as a reminder of my hunger, and I see the wisdom in his plan.

He secures the bag in a little nook inside the cart and walks out in front of Roshan and me, but I immediately notice that Roshan does not move an inch.

When I take a few steps, he trails behind me slowly, pushing his nose into my back playfully. Apparently, Roshan will only follow my lead.

It makes me giddy that I have been able to win the loyalty of a creature so quickly, but I also feel a burdensome responsibility. As the last child of my parents, I never really had people look up to me. When I lived with my brother's family, his wife did her best to make sure I didn't interact much with her children.

Me being the bad influence that I am, of course.

I shake off the fear and decide that I like Roshan and everything that will come with him, regardless of what it means for my own comfort. My ankle still hurts, but I limp ahead of the argila, pleased that I can hear him walking behind me.

Kuret is a small distance in front of us, turning around every few minutes to make sure that we are still there.

Kuret finds us a place to settle down before I run out of breath, and I am astonished at how many places like these exist. From the front, I had no way of knowing, but after pushing through a few prickly bushes, it looks like a small cave surrounded by an even smaller oasis.

It's beautiful. The cave is warm and tucked directly into the ground, such that we almost have to climb into it. There is a variety of flora growing everywhere with what looks like this planet's version of flies hovering soundlessly around them and a small babbling brook sprouting out of a rocky outcrop that hopefully contains drinkable water.

I don't know how Kuret found such a perfect place, but I won't complain.

We settle in wordlessly and Kuret announces that he is going to patrol around us. I make a sound of agreement and wait until he has left to pee in the bushes and wash my face. The wind blows against my hair and I decide that I will not put the makeshift hijab back on.

I don't like the way it covers my ears and makes me feel less alert here, though I do admit sometimes I love being covered.

Thankfully, Kuret is more confused than anything at the head covering, and I can be at peace with the knowledge that he is not seeing something unspeakable when he looks at me.

It's freeing, actually. To think of being able to wear hijab or not, based on my own preferences and beliefs instead of the expectations of others.

He returns when I am nearly done with removing the argila from his reins and have convinced him to enter the cave, grateful Kuret already checked it for animals.

Kuret has something roasted in his hands, wrapped in leaves. Closer inspection tells me it is some version of a bird, but I honestly don't care all that much. I just scarf it down hungrily.

I murmur my thanks to Kuret for the food, and then move to the back of the cave and put Roshan between us.

Thanks to Roshan's large body, the cave feels warm and after Roshan settles on the ground, I lay close, using his wide, soft body as a pillow. My heart pounds at the idea of spending the night in a cave with someone I don't trust, but I gradually calm myself by running my hands through Roshan's fur.

Roshan will let me know if something is wrong. Before long I am completely exhausted and fall into a restless slumber, hoping morning comes soon.