Chapter 27

“You should get cleaned up,” Flix suggested, reaching for Berga’s arm.

He flung him away, eyes locked on the unconscious man laid out in bed before them.

Flix sighed in exasperation. “You’ve been like this for two days. You haven’t eaten. I bet you’d still be in those same clothes if the doctors hadn’t insisted on removing them so they could give you a checkup while he was in surgery.”

Madden’s surgery had lasted exactly thirteen hours and twenty-six minutes.

They’d been told he was mostly out of the woods, but now, over a day later, he still hadn’t woken.

Others were in the room with them, including Rebecca, who was sitting right at Madden’s side, holding his hand. Their parents were away on a business trip on another planet. According to her, they were trying to make it back as fast as they could after receiving the news.

Kelevra had been there earlier, but he wasn’t there now. Same could be said for the rest of the Retinue and some of the Satellite. It seemed like people kept coming and going in a blur of motion.

But not Berga.

He’d sat down in this chair as soon as Madden came out of surgery and was allowed visitors, but he hadn’t moved from it since.

“Berga,” Baikal patted his shoulder—the one that hadn’t been dislocated in the explosion—and squeezed comfortingly. “Think about what he’d want for you. You’re covered in blood. Do you really think he’d want to wake up and see you like this?”

“Yes,” he said, voice hoarse and weak. “He’s always wanted to see me like this.”

Maybe it would be enough to soothe some of the anger and betrayal Madden had been feeling before the attack. At least so that Berga could better explain. There was so much he needed to tell him, but he couldn’t do any of that if the Mad King kept sleeping. What if he never woke up? What if —

No.

He dug his nails into his palms, hard enough to break skin, but the pain only helped him to focus. No bad thoughts, he couldn’t afford them. Madden needed him to be strong right now. To be present.

Dropping his gaze, he stared at his arms blankly. There was a lot of dried blood, he could see why his friends were concerned. It coated his arms and his hands, probably stained more of him, except the rest of his body was hidden beneath the hospital gown and pants the nurse had forced him into.

“This is real,” he murmured, mostly to himself, but of course the others heard.

“Yeah,” Flix shared a passing look with Baikal then added, “Yeah, it’s real. There’s blood all over you. Do you…” He couldn’t seem to make himself finish asking the question no doubt on everyone’s minds.

Berga took a moment to be sure, but then gave a curt shake of his head. “No.”

“He reacted instinctually out there,” Bay’s voice drifted to him from where the professor stood closer to the door. “The blood didn’t affect him at all.”

“And it’s not starting to now?” Baikal seemed unsure.

“No,” Berga said, more firmly this time. “She isn’t here. I haven’t seen or heard her once since the accident.” He’d been too scared of losing Madden to be bothered by ghosts.

“Accident,” Flix growled .

“That was no accident,” Baikal agreed. “They planted a bomb in your car. If either of you had been inside of it at the time, you would both be dead.”

“It’s honestly a miracle my brother survived at all,” Rebecca chimed in. She brushed tears off her cheeks and cleared her throat before turning toward them. “If he’d been leaning in the doorway even, he wouldn’t be.”

“He heard the mechanism,” Flix said, exhaling when they all seemed surprised by that. “I saw him quickly spin away from the car and reach for Berga just before the explosion. He had to have heard it and reacted.”

“Reached for Berga?” Bay frowned.

“Yeah.” Flix jabbed the toe of his boot against the vinyl flooring. “Protectively. He was trying to shield him.”

Why? Why would he do that?

Flix had to be wrong. The way Madden had looked at him just before…He’d been disgusted by him. Why would anyone risk their own life to save someone they loathed? Perhaps he’d merely been trying to run away.

Yes, that made much more sense.

Madden had tried to avoid the explosion, but it’d been too late.

“That’s why his back…” Rebecca hiccupped and clearly tried to collect herself. “At least he was successful.” She gave a watery smile to Berga. “I’m glad you’re all right.”

“You don’t hate me?” Berga’s brow furrowed .

“Why would I? This isn’t your fault.”

“Yes,” he corrected, “it is.”

“No, it’s that bastard who thought he could do something like this and get away with it.” Anger flashed through her eyes, and she set them on Baikal. “Tell me you got him.”

Baikal nodded. “That’s why Kelevra isn’t here right now. Ives is being handed over to the Retinue as we speak. Since Madden is the one who was severely injured, it’s only fair they are allowed to deal with him however they see fit.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to demand he be the one to handle it, but…Baikal was right. It wasn’t Berga’s place. Not because he wasn’t Retinue, but because Madden wanted nothing more to do with him.

“Good.” She rose from her seat. “If you’ll excuse me then, I’m going to call Kelevra. I want to be there when they make that shithead pay.”

“Of course.”

She paused in front of Berga on her way out. “Hey, you’ll stay with him, right? I don’t think I can trust leaving him with anyone else.”

He should probably tell her they’d been fighting before the attack. That her brother had actually broken up with him and was trying to leave. That all of this, no matter which way they wanted to spin it, was in fact his fault.

But Berga, selfish as he was, said none of that.

He merely nodded, listening to the sounds of her retreating steps as she left .

“This is my fault,” he said, rubbing his hands together. “If I hadn’t gotten involved with Ives back then, he never would have acted out this way. Then Madden…”

“Hey,” Flix pushed him lightly. "Stop that. Weren’t you actually helping him out? Unless something else went down between the two of you, I don’t know about.”

Berga shook his head. “I haven’t spoken to him since we were thirteen.”

“What exactly did you do?” Baikal asked.

“I killed his kurag.”

“Good Light,” Flix rolled his eyes. “Enough with the pity party. You do know not everything is your fault, right?”

“Of course,” Berga stated. “Only the things that are my fault are my fault.”

“You killed…his pet fish?” their Dominus didn’t sound impressed.

“He didn’t kill it,” Flix turned to Baikal, clearly done with Berga. “The vet had been trying to convince Ives and his family to put the poor thing down for over a week. The kurag had cancer and was probably in a lot of pain. Eventually, Ives mother went to Berga and asked if there was anything he had that could humanely help.”

“I gave her some drops to add to the tank,” Berga divulged. “It was painless. His kurag would have fallen asleep first. Ives wasn’t supposed to know. His mother wanted a way to send the creature off behind her stubborn son's back. But he must have discovered it anyway.”

“He decided it was all Berga’s fault,” Flix growled, “and not his enabling mother’s.”

Berga rubbed at his forehead. “This really can’t be about that, can it?”

“Since you claim not to have had any other interactions with him,” Baikal shrugged, “it seems likely. He must have formed a strong attachment to that fish.”

“It was his first pet,” Flix said. “But even still, it’s been years. Isn’t trying to blow Berga up taking things too far?”

“He came after Madden first,” Berga pointed out, staring at the Mad King’s unmoving form before them. “He knew there was something going on between us and chose to attack the thing I cared most about before coming for me directly.”

“Good thing he failed.”

He hummed in agreement.

“You saved his life,” Bay spoke up then. He’d been quiet since they’d started talking about official business but now took a step forward and crouched down in front of Berga. He set a supportive hand on his knee and smiled. “If you hadn’t reacted so quickly, he would have died out there. You got his heart started again and stopped the bleeding as best you could.”

“Sila did all that,” he disagreed morosely. Actually… “Where is your boyfriend, anyway?” As soon as they’d arrived to the hospital, everything was a blur, but Berga couldn’t recall seeing him since th en.

“He went with Kelevra to deal with Ives,” Bay explained. “I think he feels a bit guilty about whatever he said to you in my office.”

Berga grunted. “Doubtful.” People like Sila didn’t feel guilt. “He probably just doesn’t want you to be mad at him.”

Bay hummed. “That’s also a possibility. Will you accept my apology in his place then? For whatever he did to you and Madden?”

“It had to come out eventually,” he said. “Secrets never stay buried forever.”

He should have known that’s what it was. That he was keeping a secret. That he’d lied. To Berga, withholding his reasons for going to the boathouse had just seemed logical. He hadn’t thought it mattered because nothing after that night had gone as he’d planned anyway.

“It turns out,” he drawled, glancing over at Flix and Baikal, “omitting a few details isn’t always the correct move.”

If he’d confessed from the start, however, there was no way Madden would have pursued him. That made things tricky. On the one hand, he felt bad that he’d hurt the Mad King. On the other, Berga couldn’t bring himself to wholly regret keeping the secret. He glanced down at the blood covering his arms again.

“I’ve never even hoped for something like this,” he whispered. “Progress this substantial. I just wanted to be comfortable around bodies again, without the intense anxiety that came with the thought of getting dirty.”

“You aren’t dirty,” Bay reassured.

“A psychotic mad scientist, maybe,” Flix said, winking when Berga narrowed his eyes at him. “Come on. You are insane. But that’s what we love about you.”

“Love?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You mean a lot to us, Berga.” Bay squeezed his knee once more and then stood.

“We’ve literally seen you peel the skin off of a live person before,” Baikal added. “Do you really think a little blood on your body is going to revolt us?”

Berga considered. “I suppose experimenting on people is the more revolting of the two.”

“It’s your job.”

“I enjoy it,” he reminded. “That is not normal.” He’d always known there was something off about himself. Had accepted it because it made him perfect for the role of Butcher. It meant he’d secure a place for himself in this world, and that had always been his main goal. The most important thing to him had been finding somewhere to belong.

No. That wasn’t right.

Not somewhere.

Someone.

He stared at Madden. For a brief blip of time, Berga had been successful. He’d belonged to someone .

And he’d ruined it.

Just like everything else he came into contact with.

The chuckle that slipped past his lips was bitter. “I’m a monster. Monsters don’t get the guy at the end of the story. Monsters either end up slain or banished.” He tipped his head. “Do you think he’ll kill me when he wakes up?”

“If he tries—”

Berga grabbed onto Flix’s sleeve, stopping him before he could finish his sentence. “If he tries, let him.”

“Berga.” Baikal clearly didn’t agree, but he wasn’t backing down.

“It’d be better,” he said. “Better than being banished. I’d rather he take his revenge that way than by abandoning me.” At least dead, he wouldn’t have to deal with his torture. He pressed against the center of his chest. “It hurts here. Isn’t it funny? I’ve always liked pain before. But right now, it’s like I can’t breathe.”

“Should I call the doctor?” Flix stepped toward the door, only for Bay to give him a pointed look.

“It’s not that kind of pain, you dummy,” Baikal stated, then to Berga he asked, “Are you sorry?”

“I’m sorry that I upset him,” Berga said.

“Was finally finding out what his hair feels like worth it?”

“Yes.” He should say no. A good person would say they regretted it all. Would feel bad that they’d hurt the one person they cared the most about. But Berga didn’t say any of that, because it would just be another lie. Another twisting of the full truth.

If he could go back in time and change things, he wouldn’t. Because all of those choices had led him to Madden.

“Even if he kills me,” Berga told them, “it’d have been worth it.”

“There better be a damn good reason I’m surrounded by Satellite right now,” a sleepy, rough voice broke into their conversation then. Madden groaned and blinked open his eyes, suspicion marring his expression when they all rushed toward his bedside. He searched their faces, his look not lingering on Berga any longer than it did on the others.

Which was the first sign something was wrong.

“What happened?” he demanded. “Where are my people?”

“Rebecca just left,” Baikal said. “Kelevra and the others are dealing with the person who attacked you.”

“I was attacked?” He glanced down at the IV in his arm and the rest of the wires he was hooked to. “Is it bad?”

“How do you feel?” Bay asked.

“I can’t feel anything at the moment.”

He nodded. “You were badly burned. The doctor put you on intense pain medication, so that’s not alarming. A rehydration pack is attached to your back, so if it starts to feel sticky, leave it be. There are also stitches in your side and shoulder, so try not to make any sudden or intense movements.”

“Thanks, but,” Madden’s frown deepened, “why are you here, exactly? Did it happen at the tracks?”

Everyone stared at him in silence for a minute that felt like it stretched for an eternity.

“Do you…” Berga cleared his throat, almost unable to say it for how ridiculous it was, “Do you not remember?”

“I don’t recall being attacked,” he replied. “No.”

“That’s not—” He licked his lips and tried again, pointing at himself. “Do you not remember me?”

“What are you talking about? You’re the Butcher. Of course I remember you.” He glanced at the others. “Did the doctor ask you to do this? Do we have to go around in a circle and say everyone’s name to prove I’m okay?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that, I’m afraid.” Bay adjusted his glasses and sheepishly glanced between him and Berga. “What’s the last thing you remember, exactly?”

He pursed his lips and considered the question. “I was at the Docks…Great and Muse were helping me with an unruly gambler who didn’t want to pay up. Are they all right? Did they get caught in the attack?”

“No, they’re fine.”

“You’re joking,” Berga accused at the same time that Bay tried to reassure Madden his fellow racers were unharmed. “Or you’re lying.”

Madden quirked a dark brow at him. “Why would I do either of those things?” He motioned to Baikal. “What’s up with your Butcher? He keeps looking at me strangely.” His eyes narrowed. “You weren’t the one who attacked me, were you?”

“You think I’d put a bomb in your car?”

“Is that what happened?” He truly didn’t seem to remember. “Admittedly, that doesn’t seem like it’d be your style, but what do I know.”

“What do you mean?” Flix shifted awkwardly on his feet.

They were all trying so hard not to show how concerned they were, but Berga wasn’t sure if it was for his sake or the Mad King’s.

“I don’t know him that well,” Madden replied. “That’s all.”

Berga took a step back as though slapped.

“I’ll go get the doctor.” Bay hurried from the room.

“Is that mine?” Madden was staring at the blood painted over Berga’s arms.

All he could manage was a single nod.

“You should probably go clean it off,” he suggested cavalierly. “Aren’t you, like, a germaphobe or something?”

“Wow, you motherfuck—” Flix raised a fist but before he could do anything, Baikal grabbed onto his wrist tightly.

The Dominus scrutinized Madden, but it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. Eventually, he sighed. “I’ll call Kelevra and tell him you’re awake.”

“Thanks,” Madden said. “No offense, but your faces are definitely not the ones I expected to find by my hospital bed.”

Right, because in his mind, he had very little to do with them, and absolutely nothing to do with Berga.

If his last memory was from that night at the Docks…

“What about Eric?” Berga asked, if not a little desperately.

“What about him?” Madden glanced at Baikal. “Why? He owe you guys money too? I don’t know where he is now. Ask Great or Muse.”

He didn’t know Eric was dead.

Which meant he’d forgotten all about that night at the boathouse and all the events that took place afterward.

He’d forgotten about Berga.

“Ah,” he murmured, that pain in his chest twisting until it was almost unbearable and his vision became blurry. “It’s banishment after all.”

He’d been erased from Madden’s memory.

Banished from his mind.

Robotically, Berga turned on his heel and bowed to Baikal before he spun and headed for the door. He made his way blindly down the hall and out the hospital, passing Bay and the doctor on his way. He didn’t register when the former called out to him, too lost in the siphoning feeling threatening to turn his world black.

The abyss crept in at the corners but remained just out of reach, and there were no signs of the girl in pink. Not a single one.

Almost as though even the ghost had had enough and finally left him.

In the end, it seemed Berga was simply meant to be abandoned.

How cruel.

How…deserving.