3. Adam

He was sitting at a desk. There was a lovely young woman holding some type of tablet sitting across from him. And everything was white. The desk, the walls, the floor, the chairs they were sitting on, her dress—all white. He looked down at himself and saw white pants and a white shirt. The material was very comfortable though—linen, maybe? There was a window, and when he looked out he saw a bright blue sky with white fluffy clouds and pristine white walkways interrupted by patches of perfectly green grass. And, he blinked and looked again—was there a group of people playing harps? It sure looked like it.

"My name is Angela," the woman said, and she pronounced it like Angel with an "ugh" sound afterwards. She had blonde hair that looked like she'd just come out of the salon, and he'd kill for her skin. He didn't think he could see a single pore.

"Umm, ok," Adam replied. Maybe he was dreaming. He didn't remember much after storming out on Tim.

"You aren't dreaming," she said. Did he say that out loud? She was still looking down at her tablet. "Now, we have you listed as being loosely affiliated with Christianity, and according to your files, heaven would be your afterlife recommendation."

"Umm, what?" Adam felt decidedly stupid at the moment. He wasn't really sure what the heck was going on.

Angela looked up at him, her brow almost creasing with what appeared to be frustration or confusion. "I'm sorry, have you not been through basic afterlife readiness yet?"

"Umm..." Adam started again. He had no clue what the hell she was talking about.

Angela sighed, put down the tablet, and folded her hands in front of her. "I apologize, Adam, but you should have been briefed on your death already. According to my files, you were in a car crash. A drunk driver was going the wrong way on the highway, hit your car, and you veered into the side wall and died instantly."

Adam started giggling, probably a bit hysterically, but he couldn't help it. "I crashed my car into a wall? Are you serious?" he asked, managing to stop giggling for a minute. He looked at Angela, but she only stared back blankly. "I was blasting Icona Pop, and I was ready to throw Tim's shit into a bag and push it down the stairs, but I didn't expect the song to prove to be so… prophetic. I mean, I am a 90s bitch, but…" he couldn't even finish, as the giggles took over again.

He looked at Angela and realized she was completely unamused with his story. She did not look like a fun time. He managed to get himself under control with a few throat clearings, and when he seemed to have the appropriate serious face back on she continued talking. Damn ice queen.

"Now, I am aware this may come as a bit of a shock, but here in afterlife placement, we want you to know that this is only a new beginning, not an ending. Heaven will be quite lovely for you. As you can see, there are even harp lessons," she pointed out the window as she said the last bit.

Adam followed her finger to see that, yes, those were indeed a bunch of people playing harps. "There must be some mistake," Adam said, looking back at her.

"I assure you that there isn't," she replied, picking up the tablet again. "You are quite dead."

"No, I mean, not about that. About the heaven thing," Adam replied.

"Hmm?" Angela asked.

"You see," Adam said, leaning a little closer, "I'm bisexual."

He waited, but Angela looked entirely unimpressed. "Yes, we are aware of your sexual orientation."

"And I have enjoyed having sex with quite a few men. And women. And I've done lots of other sinful things, too." He wasn't about to list them for this prude, though. She did not invite conversation.

"Mm-hmm," Angela replied, looking down again at her tablet. "So you are questioning whether your placement is correct?"

"Yes," Adam said, leaning back in relief. He looked out the window again at the sterile landscape. And the harps. Everyone looked… perfect. They looked like they were playing in perfect synchronicity, and they looked like they had perfect bodies. It was honestly a little creepy. And boring. Adam hated boring.

"I see," Angela said, and now Adam thought she definitely sounded miffed, even if he couldn"t tell from her perfect face. "And have you killed anyone?"

"What?! No!" Adam replied, but she obviously wasn't done, as she held a hand up in a rather snooty way.

"Forced people to have sex with you? Drugged people against their knowledge? Tortured or abused people? Tortured or abused children or animals? Have you knowingly destroyed someone's life? Have you stolen from those less fortunate than you? Purposely set out to harm someone in a permanent and life altering way? Poured milk in the cereal bowl before the cereal?"

"Angela," a voice boomed warningly from the wall after the last item on the woman's list.

"Well, it isn't natural," she sniffed, looking up as she spoke. She looked back at Adam before she spoke again. "We have a full list of every act and thought in your entire life, and I can assure you that you are most definitely in the right place. Now, I'm sure you'll want to get to being productive right away. Your file shows you are quite motivated, optimistic, and energetic. We have a garden committee, there are the harp players, of course…"

Adam cut her off before she could go any further. "No, I don't think I am in the right place. I'm not staying here. I'm not joining a garden club and I'm sure as hell not learning to play a harp. What are my other choices ‘for placement?'" he asked, doing the air quote thing even though Tim wasn't here to be annoyed by it. This woman was quickly moving up in his list of people to be annoyed by, though, so he figured it was ok.

"Your other choices?" she asked. And oh boy, there was definitely now a wrinkle in her forehead. "You want other choices? Fine. Go before the Judge of the Damned, and then we'll see how you feel about other choices."

Adam heard the voice booming something from the wall, but before he could even process what it said, Angela had hit something on her tablet, and Adam was fading out of the room.

He was getting really tired of these abrupt transitions. So far, death sucked.