4. Minos

Minos was sulking. He knew it, too. Pandora had left the door to the judgment chamber open, and it sounded like Limbo had quite the party going on. They did have all the best musicians, after all.

No lesser demons were bringing in any new souls to judge, so here he was, sitting on his throne of bones, legs draped over the side, sulking over the white-collar crime afterlifer who he'd sent to the pits. He was disappointed in himself. It was a terrible punishment—and not terrible in the good, underworld sort of way. He was letting himself down. He was letting all the demons who worked as torturers down. His lack of inspiration was probably rippling down and causing them to be uninspired as well. And no one wanted lesser demons with too much time on their hands. You didn't inspire them enough and next thing you know you had the creation of telemarketers and click bait articles. No one needed more misery like that in the world.

Right in the middle of his pity party (he could admit that's exactly what he was having), a human plopped into existence in front of him. Like three feet in front of him, which was definitely judging territory. Only this human, who was about six feet tall with short, light brown hair, hazel eyes, and a dad bod, as the topsiders termed it, was not evil. He could get a sense of those things by now. Plus, no lesser demon accompanying him.

The little guy (ok, so they were all little guys when you were just over seven feet tall) did not stay kneeling, however. He hopped up, looked around at the room, and then looked at Minos. And Minos waited. Any second now would come the screaming. Or the crying. Or the release of bodily functions.

"Oh, thank god," he said, turning from Minos and looking around the room again. He seemed to jerk about and stared at Minos again, looking more than slightly horrified. Minos sighed. A little delayed, but here it was. The screaming would probably be next.

"Oh my goodness, I am so sorry," the man said, looking truly appalled but still not screaming. "I mean, I probably shouldn't say the g-word, right? Is that, like, offensive or something? Because you know I would hate to be offensive to anyone, and I really do not have any intention whatsoever of going back there." He said the last two words with such utter disdain that Minos couldn't imagine what he was talking about.

He knew he should interrupt the guy. Or tell him to step back, at least. Minos had the effect of removing a human's brain-to-mouth filter, which was obviously necessary when you were digging deep into the human psyche. Sure, he could go the more productive route and have it all laid out in writing like they did upstairs, but that just seemed terribly uninspired. And not very scary, either. It was much more fun to make people say every terrible thing they'd ever done or thought, including admitting the things out loud that they barely admitted to themselves.

"Ohhh, you are tall," the man said. "Hmmm. And horns. And the facial hair. I'm such a sucker for facial hair. I mean, sure, you're like, sort of burgundy-colored, or whatever—gotta admit I expected bright red, but you rock that color. And the tail!" The man looked positively delighted now, and Minos still had no idea what in the underworld to say.

"Oh, I read this fantastic alien book, and the things that alien did with that tail to the main character!" He started fanning himself. "I have to admit that was a favorite! I must have read it and gotten off to it about a dozen times. And they couldn"t have actual sex, because, you know, the alien's penis was like the size of a leg, and just… ouch. Do you even have a penis? Or a vagina? Or genitalia? Or both? Oh! Wouldn't that be awesome—you could have both and be with a man or a woman! I'd love to have both, but I'm guessing I can't just turn into a demon, even if I never go back to that other place again."

The man started pacing around the room, and Minos figured as he got further away, he'd realize what he'd just spilled and be mildly appalled.

"I do love the look of this place though. There you are, all sexy and threatening on your throne of… bones? Are those bones? Oh, that's just perfect. And the dark stone walls and floor. And the flickering candles dripping wax? Just so perfect." He stopped walking, nearly all the way across the room now.

Ah, and here it finally comes, thought Minos. Although if he admitted it to himself, he would have to say this was probably the most surprising visitor he'd had in eons. He was a little sad to see the man go, but he was far enough that Minos' thrall wouldn't work, and the door to Limbo was just in front of him, and any second now he'd be rushing out, utterly bewildered by his behavior while in this room.

Any minute now…

"Um…" The man's head tilted, first one way then the other, and then he turned around, facing Minos. "Is that Kurt Cobain? And Jim Morrison? Because it totally sounds like the two of them. Singing together? And I was gonna say that can't be right, right? But it totally could be right, I guess, because they're, you know…" The man walked closer again, and Minos almost put his hand up to stop the guy. His finger kinda twitched, so that counted as trying to warn the human, right?

Only he didn't stop at the usual six feet away. He came right up to the throne, actually stepped onto the dais, and whispered, "...dead." And then he stared at Minos expectantly.

Before Minos could even formulate a reply—he had somehow lost track of what the question even was—white-collar-crime's lesser demon walked in through the mostly hidden door in the back corner of the room, already complaining before realizing they weren't alone.

"Minos, the pits? There are only so many ways to flay skin off a human body, only so many bones to break, and you know how I hate the mess, and they don't ever really feel the burning pain of the guilt they should. That guy stole from old people in a nursing home. He stole from his own mother. He bought himself boats and fancy cars and hired cleaners and cooks and then harassed them while the people he defrauded couldn't afford care or medication. He had no love or respect for anything in the world, and the best we got is the pits?

"And I worked the pits for millennia before I got promoted up to Judge of the Damned level torturer, and you're gonna stick me right back…" the lesser demon finally realized they weren't alone and sort of trailed off as he noticed the human, who had turned around and was now partly standing in front of Minos. The demon took a step forward, and the man took a step back, and Minos wasn't sure quite how it happened, but the next thing he knew he had a man sitting in his lap and a lesser demon gaping at them both with utter shock on his face.

"Oh, you're comfy," the man said. "You look all hard and muscly, but you've got a nice lap to sit on. I'm a total cuddle slut, I gotta admit—it annoyed Tim, the prick, because he needed ‘his space' when he was tired," the man said, doing this cute air quote thing with his fingers when he mocked Tim, whoever the hell that idiot was.

"But your lap feels nice and secure, and let's face it, I could lose a few pounds—I mean I'm not like horrific or anything naked, I carry it well, but I'm no muscle go—" the man cut himself off abruptly, actually patted Minos' thigh, and then continued on. "Sorry Mr. Sexy Demon, no g-word from me! But anyway, super comfy. Ten out of ten stars. Would totally come again." At which point he started giggling. "Would totally come again," he said, stressing the word come and still giggling.

Minos looked at the man, looked at his lesser demon, who looked as confused as him, and looked back at the man. He got another thigh pat for focusing on the human once again, but then the man turned his attention to the lesser demon.

"Hey! I'm Adam. And you are just the shade of red I expected." He turned back to Minos, doing the thigh pat for a third time, and Minos had to admit he was thinking about just putting his hand over the man's—Adam, that was his name, and wasn't that ironic?—so that his hand would just stay on Minos' thigh. "But of course," Adam went on, "burgundy is lovely as well. You wear it so well, and I wouldn't want you any other color." Then he smiled. At Minos.

"Ahhh, sir?" the lesser demon asked, looking back and forth between the two of them. But Minos still had no idea what to say.

"So, is that what you guys do? She did say I was gonna go before the Judge of the Damned, so it makes sense you, like, judge bad people, and I guess you come up with punishments? And physical torture is probably so 1400s, right? You guys probably go all Clockwork Orange and tape people's eyelids open and make them watch some horrible show, like Dance Moms. Although ok, I did watch a few episodes, but it was like a train wreck, you know? You just couldn't help getting sucked in.

"But obviously that won't work for some guy who stole from his mom. And old people. Ewww. There should be a special place in hell for people who steal from old people. Old people are so sweet. And they're just lonely. You know, you should totally make this guy have to take care of ALL the old people. But the crotchety, cranky ones. And the ones who tell the same story five hundred times, and he's gotta listen to it every time and pretend to be interested. And the ones who bitch about stupid shit like Agnes not weeding her garden and her useless grandchildren who never visit. And make him clean up all the nursing home bodily fluids, and of course have the bed pans always spill on him. And get him the old people with no boundaries, so he's always walking in on naked old people or being hit on by some grandma or flashed by some grandpa.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I like old people in general. But there are some nasty ones. And he should have to, like, spend eternity making up for it by hearing all the boring stories and cleaning their open wounds and just generally helping the people he defrauded. A life of service. Maybe even make him work some retail for old people. Because that combines like the worst job ever and the people he fucked over!"

The lesser demon was actually smiling and nodding along with Adam. Minos was just staring at him. Because it was sort of perfect. That little white-collar-crime shit would hate cleaning bed pans, and it would be a special kind of torture for him to have to actually listen to other people complain endlessly about petty things, all while he wouldn't be able to be mean or yell at them or walk away.

The lesser demon was staring at Minos hopefully now. Adam was staring at him too, and Minos realized the human's eyes were flecked with little specks of an almost gold color amongst the brown of them. And without looking away, Minos nodded. "Yes. What he said," and he barely noticed as the lesser demon hurried out the side door, practically hopping with excitement at creating Adam's special place in hell for someone who defrauded old people.