CHAPTER FOURTY-TWO TABATHA

CHAPTER FOURTY-TWO

TABATHA

I sit in our bedroom on the floor with my back against my wall as I look at the bed that we shared. All the memories we made in such short little time. It's crazy how you have only been with someone for a short time, and it feels like you've known them all your life.

I sleep on his side of the bed because his smell still lingers. I find myself walking into the bathroom and spraying his cologne, and I swear I can feel him wrap his arms around me. I can hear his voice telling me that I'm gonna be okay. But it's not and I won't.

As I sit here on the floor with my knees pulled up to my chest, I think about the day I have ahead of me. And I refuse to face it. I refuse to go through the motions when all I feel is an ache as if someone has stabbed me in the heart and I'm slowly bleeding out.

I look over to the far wall and see that the TV is on. I have to place my hand over my mouth to quiet my sob when I see Dash on the screen. He's sitting next to me on a brown leather couch as he smiles at the cameras. It's our interview my dad made us give. They've had it on every local channel since the news of his death broke.

"How did you two meet?" the pretty blonde asks as she sits across from us.

"At a party," Dash says with a little laugh. He turns to look at me and reaches down to grab my hand. I smile brightly at him as he soothes my nerves. "Who knew I would have so much to celebrate."

"I assume you're referring to your racing contract?" she questions.

"No." He frowns looking back at her. "Falling in love."

I hang my head as a sob wracks my body. He left me! What about me? I fall over to my side, and I open my eyes. There in front of me in a blurry haze is the little black box. With shake hands, I reach out and grab it. I still haven't opened it. I keep hoping that I will wake up and Dash will be on bended knee. I keep hoping I will see his big smile again with the open box in his hand. But it's never gonna come.

With shaky hands and tear-filled eyes, I open the box and sob as I see the beautiful oval diamond. I close my eyes as I sit up. I cry out into the room as I think of him buying this. How much thought he must have put into it. How excited he must have been,

I open my eyes and look down at it. I slide it on my finger and whisper, "I do." Tears run down my face like a river and my chest aches. I stare down at the ring and cry uncontrollably.

The doorbell rings, but I ignore it. I don't want visitors. Everyone finally left on the second day, but they just won't stay away.

"Tabatha!" I hear Blake's voice yell.

I close my eyes, and my head falls back down to my knees. "Please go away," I say softly.

It rings again. "Tabatha! If you don't open this door, then I will break it down." His voice is so loud; I can hear it as if he was standing in front of me and not downstairs.

Then I hear Jake's voice growl. "Don't give her a choice."

I shake my head as if he can see me. No one cares about what I want. No one cared I wanted to give Dash a chance to pull through. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I hear some commotion and then I hear the breaking of wood. The pounding of the door coming off the hinges. "Blake…" I hear Jackie cry out to him, and I hold in the sob of what's about to come. For what he is about to make me face. My biggest fear.

My bedroom door swings open also hitting the wall, and I tighten my arms around my knees as I keep my head buried into my knees. "Get up," Blake commands.

I look up at him; the tears falls so fast that it makes him nothing but a blurry blob. But I can see two figures standing over by my door. Jake and Jackie, for sure. "You can't make me."

He grabs my hand and jerks me to a stand. "You will not do this," he yells.

"Blake…" Jake growls as he walks toward us.

"Shut up, Jake," Blake snaps. Something has happened to him since Dash left us. His death has changed all of us. And we're all falling apart in our own way.

"I can't go." I wrap my arms around myself. "Please," I beg of him. "Don't make me." I continue to beg everyone for something, but none of them listens. No one but Jake.

His eyes narrow on me. "You think this is easy on me? On any of us?" he questions. He places his hands on my shoulders, and his eyes soften. "I know you loved him. But you knew him for months. I've known in my entire life. I lost a brother and a best friend." His anger breaks and his voice cracks. "I love him just as much as you do." He sniffs. "And the time has come for you to show your respect."

I hang my head, and he pulls me in for a hug. "Good-bye is never easy," he whispers, and I sob into his shirt knowing that he is right. "But Dash deserves a proper good-bye." I hate how right he is. Dash deserves to have the woman that he loved at his funeral. It's time for me to say my final good-bye.

***

We all four sit in silence as the limo drives us to the cemetery. My black hat is so big that it covers most of my makeup-less face. Tears silently roll down my face, and I keep my head down. Jake sits next to me, and Blake lays with his head in Jackie's slap. I try not to stare, but it's so hard. He looks like I feel. Lost. Betrayed. How could Dash leave us? How could he not fight for us? He loved us, yet he gave up so easily. I don't know why, but I have this feeling that this isn't how it was supposed to end. I know people die. But not Dash. He was so young and had such a promising future. He had dreams that he still needed to fulfill. I had dreams for him that involved us. A family. I look down at the ring on my finger and that stabbing sensation in my chest returns. It takes my breath away. I place my hand on my chest and try to breathe, but there's nothing there. I start to pull on my black dress. "I…can't…" I try to speak, but my throat burns. My chest tightens, and I close my eyes tightly.

"Tabatha?" Jake's voice demands as he shakes me.

Nothing. I try to say something, but nothing comes out. I try to push his hands off me, but he doesn't let go.

"Help her," Jackie cries out.

I reach up and grab my throat, trying to get air, but there's nothing there. Just this pain. The suffocating pain that Dash is gone. That in less than an hour, he will be in the ground. Gone forever. This can't be how our love story ends. The one that we fought so hard to keep.

"Tabatha?" Jake yells as he shoves a bottle of water in my face. I try to push it away, but he grabs my arms with one hand and pushes the water to my lips with the other. He tilts it and water runs down the back of my throat. It chokes me, and I cough it up. I suck in air as I continue to cough, water spilling down my chin and onto my black dress. I bend over, and he roughly rubs my back. Tears sting my eyes and my throat burns. Dash would be so ashamed if he could see me now. How pathetic I am. How much I truly relied on him.

"It's okay." He wraps his arms around me and pulls me into his side. "You're gonna be okay. I promise," Jake whispers as I continue to take deep breaths. I should push him away. I shouldn't allow myself to lean on a man considering he's not the love of my life, but at the moment, I need this support.

"He left me," I cry. "How could he leave me?" I understand how the world works. You're born. You live your entire life chasing dreams that most don't achieve. Except love. People find love every day and they waste it. They tarnish it by cheating or lying. Or just because they're scared. I do believe that Dash was my soul mate—the one person in this world for me. Now I have to face this world alone with a broken heart.

"I'm here for you," he whispers.

By the time we pull up to the cemetery, I have my breathing under control. My hands shake and my knees wobble, but with the help of Jake, I get out of the limo and make my way to where all the chairs line up in rows. There are hundreds of people already here. Bikes line the entrances, some crotch rockets and some Harleys, decorating the cemetery of men and women to pay their respects for a man who loved to ride. Most, I'm sure, are people who Dash didn't even know, but many wear his name across the front of their shirts with his number eighty-eight written across the back. His death has been on the headlines for the last five days now, and I see no end in sight. Everyone here wants to come and pay their respects for the kid who was going places. The man who had big dreams as a little boy and who had almost accomplished them. It wasn't any secret the type of man he was. Reckless. He liked everyone, and everyone liked him. He was good hearted and truly a carefree spirit.

I come to a stop while I look around. The cemetery is as beautiful as one can be. Beautiful green grass and rolling hills. It has to cover fifteen acres. At least. His parents are laying him to rest next to his father's parents. I'm glad that he is once again close to the people who raised him, but it also hurts me. Even when I pass, which can't be soon enough, I won't ever be near him. Ever again!

"What's wrong?" Jake leans down and whispers in my ear as he holds onto my arm.

Looking at the people who stare at me with pity in their eyes is a feeling of sadness on its own. It's been part of the headlines. Erik Dashling passes before getting the chance to propose to girlfriend. They've had pictures of us at the race he won. The look of love in our eyes. The intimate kiss that they now plaster all over the world is earth shattering. I have come to fucking hate social media. Some bastard at the hospital spilled the beans about finding the ring on him. For what? A little cash.

I feel so lost. "I…I need to leave." I choke on the words as I try to avoid the dark wooden casket that sits ahead of me. I feel like I'm going to suffocate again like I did in the limo, knowing he's in there. I pull on my dress that is still damp in spots from the water I coughed up. Jake grabs my hands, pulling them away before I rip this dress off my body.

He positions his body in front of mine and looks down at me. "Take a deep breath," he orders, and I do as he says as I look deeply into his soft blue eyes. "Good. Another one." I do it again, and I feel my shoulders relax a little.

Blake and Jackie walk past us and to the front row. I lower my head as we follow them. I keep my eyes on my hands as we sit in softly covered chairs. I'm thankful for the hat that keeps people from seeing my tear-streaked face.

A hand reaches over and grips mine. I look up quickly when I see it's my mother's hand. She doesn't even try to give me a smile as the tears run down her face. My father sits next to her, and I've never seen him cry, until now. He looked at Dash as a son, and in a way, that's exactly what he was going to be. His son-in-law.

I look next to my father and see Dash's parents sitting there. Tears run down their faces as well, and I want to scream at them to stop pretending like they care that their son died. They killed him. Don't they understand that? How can they cry for something that they did?

I look down at my hand when my mother runs her finger over my engagement ring that he had purchased for me, and it comes crashing into me like a wave in a shore. I've been blaming his mother and father when the real person to blame is myself. That was why he left the house. To buy me that ring. "It's my fault." The broken words fall from my lips as the sob wracks my body.

"Oh no, honey," my mother says softly as she wraps her arms around me. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault." She places her head on mine, and she kisses me as we cry together.