Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Bliss

Bliss collapsed onto the well-worn sofa after she finally got the babies all down. She wasn’t sure how long Nori would sleep but usually she had a good hour and a half. She’d been fussy all day. She couldn’t be teething already, right? She was only two months old.

While everyone was sleeping would be a good time to clean. Or wash clothes. Her eyes slid to thebasket of goodies Winnie had given her the day before. Her sister was the best. She’d put together a Christmas-themed pampering Bliss basket, and it was begging to be used.

Her Mary Poppins angel agreed. There are elements of fun in work that’s to be done.

Mary Poppins was correct, as always. Bliss was down to her last two work outfits.

She was all set to be productive, but then her Miranda Lambert angel started singing something about being drunk and not wanting to go home. That was an obvious vote for having some fun for once. If she even remembered how.

Chores could wait. Time for some pampering.

Heating her mug of hot chocolate for the fifth time, Bliss pulled her hair back from her face with the hairband adorned with lighted deer antlers. Next, she grabbed the green-mud mask from the basket and slathered it all over her face. It smelled like peppermint.

While her face mask dried, she applied the first coat of bright-red nail polish to her toes and wedged the toe separators in place. She was halfway through the second coat when someone knocked on her front door.

Thinking it must be Winnie, Bliss heel-walked—toes angled toward the ceiling, hands held out for balance, fingers spread wide so as not to smudge her fingernails—to the door. She had the most thoughtful sister in the world. Winnie always did things to make her feel special.

Bliss opened the door. “Hi! I can’t believe Reid let you?—”

Connor stood in the doorway, eyes twinkling, lips twitching. “Nice antlers, trouble.”

Bliss’s entire body flashed cold seconds before waves of humiliation washed over her. “Connor! What are you doing here? Go away!” Before he could say anything else, she slammed the door in his face.

She leaned back against the door in case he decided to walk in on his own. Like her leaning against the door would stop him. She glanced around at the disaster that was her house. Served him right if he was going to stop by unannounced.

She snatched the blinking neon antlers from her head and tossed them on the nearby table, trying not to cry. With a groan, she leaned forward and buried her face in her hands. That was when she remembered the mud mask she’d smeared all over her face. Shrieking, she dashed to the kitchen sink, half-blind by the mud she’d somehow gotten in her eye. Man, that burned.

Since she couldn’t see where she was going, she kicked over the end table she’d shifted when she’d been cutting out paper snowflakes earlier. It toppled over, sending her and the lamp sitting on the table crashing to the floor. With a howl of pain, she clutched her now throbbing toe.

Eyes wide, she covered her mouth with her hand, but it was too little, too late. Frightened baby cries rang out from the bedroom, and it took all she could do not to join in.

Connor barreled in through the front door and ran to her side. “Baby, are you okay? Here, let me see.” He took her foot in his hands and gently tugged the toe separator from her foot. He inspected it, running careful fingers over each bone. “I don’t think anything’s broken. What were you doing racing around on your heels with those foam knuckle things between your toes?”

“How do you know I was racing around?” Was he Superman or something, able to see through solid walls?

“I don’t have to be Superman to look through the window, trouble. And we’ll be talking about closing your curtains at night. But it sounds like you’ve got other people who need your attention right now.”

Her gaze shot to the closed door leading to the bedroom. The babies had gone from crying to howling. Pushing to her feet, she hobbled that way, but Connor grabbed her arm. His muttered, “Hold on,” was all she got before he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the counter next to the kitchen sink.

“Let’s get this… this whatever this is, off your face.” He pulled out a rag from the nearest drawer and held it under the tap. Once it was wet, he used it to wipe the mud from her face.

As he dabbed at her cheeks, she wondered: What would it be like to have a real Daddy who would look after her like this? His long fingers were thick and calloused, but he held her as if he was afraid she might break. She’d give anything if he could be her Daddy. But the cries from the bedroom were a clear reminder of why that couldn’t happen.

It broke her heart. Connor would be a great father. Since she’d learned about his childhood, she understood. But it was still sad. She needed to remember he wouldn’t want to be in the life she had now. She needed to draw a line between them. If he kept dropping by like this, her heart was going to get broken. Again.

Taking the rag from him, she finished the task of cleaning her face. “What are you doing here? It’s kind of late.”

“I called you over an hour ago to tell you I was stopping by like I said I would last night. You didn’t answer your phone, so I left a message. Didn’t you get it?”

“What message?”

His brow got that crease in the middle, right between his brows. “I left a message to call me if it wasn’t convenient. Is your phone charged up?”

“Yes.” She had charged it. But she put it on silent when she was getting the babies down for their nap that morning, and now she couldn’t find it. But he didn’t need to know that.

“You said you needed to tell me something. So, I stopped by to hear what it was.”

Um. Yikes! Last night they’d been around family and friends. There were people there in case he got mad. Now, it was just the two of them. She wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Not that she thought he’d hurt her or anything. But he might want an explanation.

What if he didn’t like what she said? Hope flared in her chest at the thought. Maybe when he found out about Nori, he’d realize he’d been wrong before. Maybe he’d decide he wanted kids of his own. Maybe.

He helped her down from the counter and walked with her to the bedroom. “Do you need any help? With getting them settled back down, I mean?”

“I think I can do it,” she responded, letting him off the hook.

It took only seconds to see Nori was the most upset. “Poor baby,” she crooned at her youngest as she lifted her from her crib. “Did I scare you with all that noise? It’s okay.”

She could probably get the twins settled back down if she could get Nori out of the room. “Hold on, you two,” she said. “Let me put your sister in her bouncy seat, and I’ll be right back.”

Bliss walked into the great room with Nori. Connor jumped to his feet from the armchair. “Is she all right?” He looked almost panicked, but Bliss didn’t dare smile.

“She’s fine. I just need to put her down out here while I settle the twins. You sit back down, and I’ll be right back to tend to her.”

She’d have been afraid to leave her in the room with Connor if he hadn’t looked so terrified. There was no way he’d go near Nori until she could get back. She’d hurry because the last thing she needed was for Connor to figure things out on his own.

Racing back to the bedroom with Connor’s, “Don’t run!” chasing her, she put on the nightlight that played calming music and settled the twins back down to rest. It couldn’t have taken more than five minutes.

She knew something was wrong the second it hit her she didn’t hear Nori crying. Tiptoeing out of the bedroom, she took one step into the great room and froze. Connor was no longer seated in the armchair. Not even close.

Connor stood beside the now-empty bouncy seat with a contented Nori cradled in his arms. Bliss sucked in a breath. Now that the time was here, doubts bombarded her. What had she been thinking?

She listened for advice from Mary Poppins and Miranda, but her shoulder angels deserted her. All she heard was Mary Poppins inviting Miranda to go fly a kite with her. Then they disappeared in tiny puffs of smoke, leaving her alone with Connor and Nori.

That Connor looked stunned was no surprise. He stared at her with those bright amber eyes, the ones he’d passed down to his daughter. “You said there was something you wanted to tell me. You want to do that now?”

Her mouth went completely dry and her stomach dropped all the way down to her toes. She had to try three time before she got the words out. “I don’t expect anything, I promise. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to feel trapped. I know you said you were never going to have children. I know that hasn’t changed. I…”

Oh, god. This was terrible. He was going to hate her forever, and that was the real reason she hadn’t told him. She was a coward. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. All because of a day and a half almost a year ago. But it was the best day and a half of her life outside of when she got her girls. And now it was over, and there was nothing to do but face the music. “I thought you should at least know that you have a daughter.”

Hope flashed in Connor’s eyes, only to be extinguished the next second by rage. “I do not have a child. I told you I never would, and that hasn’t changed. Now I’d appreciate it if you’d come get your daughter.”

The words shot through her chest, piercing her heart like bullets. Silently she crossed to him and took Nori from his stiff arms.

Without so much as a word or a backward glance, Connor spun on his heel and stalked out.

Bliss hugged her daughter to her chest and whispered words of love as the tears ran unchecked down her face.

Connor

Connor spun out of Bliss’s yard, slinging rocks and dirt as he sped down the dirt road and out onto the highway. He didn’t remember drivingand couldn’t tell you which way he turned when, but twenty minutes later, he wound up at Deep Dive.

Deep Dive was a large warehouse with an adult arcade and bar on the first floor, and the offices of Sabre Security on the floor above it. Reid owned both, but Deep Dive was run by his blood brother Hutch, and Sabre Security was run by Sawyer, another of his brothers.

Mind still reeling, Connorfound himself seated at the bar with Hutch handing him a tall mug of Astronaut Status beer. He didn’t even wait for the thick foam to settle before throwing it back and emptying the mug.

“Damn, brother, what’s going on?” Hutch asked. “You usually at least try to taste it.”

“Just get me another one,” Connor all but snarled.

He had a daughter. A kid. Fuck him. When he’d seen her back in Darling and pregnant, he’d assumed the Society had given her to some fucker to get her pregnant to teach her a lesson. He refused to think about the kick to the gut that had been.

He’d felt like a total failure for months. Still did, if he was honest. And that whole fuckin’ time, she’d been pregnant with his child. How could she not tell him the baby was his?

Strike that. How was she even pregnant in the first place? She told him she was on birth control. That the Society forced her to have that implant. And he’d believed her without even checking. It had never even occurred to him she might be lying.

He was good at reading people. In his line of work, he had to be. She was either the best liar he’d ever met, or she’d been telling the truth. He’d been around her in a tough situation. Every instinct he had said she’d told him the truth.

That would have to mean her birth control hadn’t worked. It was rare these days, but it was known to happen. So, she hadn’t planned it, but why hadn’t she gotten word to him when she found out?

Because you told her you never wanted kids in a way she couldn’t possibly misunderstand.

Gritting his teeth, he downed the rest of his second beer. “Another.” He needed to get totally shitfaced. That was the only escape from the pain.

His own thought jerked him up straight on his stool. What was he doing? He’d spent the last twenty years proving to himself he wasn’t his father. Yet look at him now. Sitting in a bar, trying to lose himself in a bottle. He wasn’t going down that road. He’d made a vow and he intended to keep it. He was not his father. Not now. Not ever.

“What’s eating you, brother?” Hutch faced him from the other side of the bar.

That was what he needed now. His brothers. They were a family as sure as if they shared the same blood. Law filled the seat on one side of Connor, and Deke landed in the other.

“Tell us what’s going on. We’re here for you. You know that.”

And he did. He knew it to the very bottom of his soul.

So, he told his brothers everything. He told them about Vegas, and that Bliss had shared that Nori was his daughter. He told them what he’d said to her that made her keep that from him as long as she had.

He told them the fears that ate at him every second of every day about turning into his dad. Everything.

“You know, to be as good as you are at figuring out what makes other people tick, you sure don’t know shit about yourself.” Deke shook his head. “There’s no way you’ll ever be like your dad. You’ve been through a hell of a lot in your life. Have you ever been tempted to use alcohol to dull the pain or quiet the voices in your head?”

No, he hadn’t. How had it not occurred to him that he wasn’t holding temptation at bay because there was no temptation?

“Look at what you just did,” Law added. “You thought about getting wasted. I could see it written all over your face. But you didn’t. You chose not to be like that worthless sack of shit who sired you. If you can do that at a time like this, what makes you think you can’t do it when it comes to your kids?”

Well, fuck. Connor grabbed his chest as the manacles around his heart shattered and fell away. He felt it like a knife, but afterward a peace he’d never felt before settled inside him.

He could choose to be a good father, just like he made every other choice in his life. He’d make mistakes. Plenty of them. But he would never, not ever, be like his father.

He needed to get back to Bliss. But one look at the time had him rethinking. He’d been at Deep Dive longer than he’d thought. If he went out there now, he might wake the babies up and they’d already been through that once tonight.

Tomorrow, first thing, he’d head out to Bliss’s house and they’d get everything talked out.