Chapter 23 - Nic

I am back at my apartment after spending the weekend with Lex. I took the day off since I haven't been feeling too well. It's been over a month since we started this whole sex-only ‘relationship'. I don't know how long I carry on this way. Of course the sex is beyond amazing and I don't think I'll ever have enough of Lex, but this isn't me. I want a real relationship. I am not asking him to marry me or anything, but he doesn't even acknowledge that we have something. The most frustrating part is knowing that he feels something for me, but refuses to admit it, even to himself. He might not be in love with me, but I am in love with him. And every time he pulls away from me, every time he holds himself back from me, it hurts. It breaks my heart just a little.

I'm afraid that if I don't step back and protect myself, my heart will be damaged beyond repair. Perhaps it is already too late to start thinking about protecting my heart. I want to talk to Penny, but she's at work.

After I started spending almost every night with Lex, she questioned me extensively about what was happening. I was totally honest with her. I told her that I love Lex knowing that he'd most likely never love me back because of some ‘risk'. I told her how safe he makes me feel, no matter how crazy stuff gets, especially with the stalker. After I told her about the incident with the thing at my window, there was a strange, speculative look in her eyes. For the first time since I've known Penny, it felt as if she was hiding something from me. I asked her of course, but she said I was being silly. The exact words Lex had used when I asked him if he was a superhuman. Are both Penny and Lex a part of a secret government organization of some sort? And since they're sworn to secrecy, they are unable to tell me anything? Maybe Lex fears that his enemies will harm me in order to get to him. Maybe that is the risk he keeps talking about.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid and Lex is merely commitment-phobic. I suddenly feel miserable. I have an irrepressible urge to bury my face in my pillow and cry my eyes out. Then eat chocolate ice cream. I feel like I can devour a whole tub of chocolate ice cream. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been having the most insane food cravings and the most horrible mood swings. Maybe it is just PMS. My period is overdue anyway.

I suddenly sit up in my bed with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am actually going to throw up. As I rush to the bathroom to hurl my guts out, the last thought I had sinks in.

My period is overdue.

No, God no! It can't be happening! Not again! I collapse to the bathroom floor as my legs seem incapable of supporting me. My skin feels cold and clammy.

I'm not pregnant, I tell myself firmly, willing it to be true. I will get my period today. I haven't had the most regular periods, so I'm not worried. Not worried at all. Didn't the last time turn out to be a false alarm? Besides, Lex and I have been very, very careful with birth control. He almost always uses a condom. And I'm on the pill! I simply cannot be pregnant.

There was that one time in the shower. Hot steamy sex without a condom. But I am on the pill! I simply cannot be with child.

I force myself to get up from the bathroom floor and splash some water on my face. I am nearly fifteen days late. If I am pregnant, it's better to know sooner than later.

Fixing my appearance as best as I can, I head to the pharmacy and come back armed with the pregnancy test kit. After peeing on the stick, I wait, hardly daring to breathe. I cannot look and have screwed my eyes shut. I wish there was somebody to read the result for me. But since I have nobody, I force myself to open my eyes, just like I did that time when I was still living with Manuel.

It's positive.

I feel the blood drain from my head and have to grab onto the sink for support. On wobbly legs, I go back to my bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed, hugging my middle.

There's a little being growing inside me. I am with child. I am with Lex's child. Tears spring to my eyes and drip down my cheeks. I make no attempt to stop their flow. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant! A part of me wants to run down the streets shouting happily at the top of my voice that I'm carrying Lex's baby. The other part of me wants to curl up into a ball and weep.

How could I end up here after trying my best to avoid being in this situation? The thing with Manuel was supposed to be an eye-opener. I never, ever wanted to be a single mother! I don't think I have the strength to face the trials and tribulations that are a part and parcel of being an only parent. I have seen my mom's struggle up close. I don't think I am brave enough to go through it all. And yet, I already know I want this baby. This is my baby. Lex's baby. Our baby, if only he will accept it.

What if he doesn't accept it? What if he says he wants nothing to do with it, the way my father apparently did? I don't know who my birth father is to this day. Although Mom has never stopped me from trying to find him by myself, she has never told me who he is either. She says she wants to spare me the hurt. And I'm afraid of being rejected by him yet again.

Mom did everything she could to make me feel loved and wanted, but I've always wondered why I was rejected by my father. The logical part of my brain knows that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his inadequacies, but the feeling of being unwanted has remained buried deep in my heart.

When Manuel rejected me, all those feelings resurfaced, even when I knew I didn't really love him. If Lex rejects me and the baby, I don't think I will be able to take it. I don't have the courage to face him.

Oh God, how do I tell Lex? How will he react when I tell him? Will he freak out the way Manuel had? Will he blame me for trying to trap him into commitment? Something tells me he will not. He is as different from Manuel as can be.

But he has been crystal clear about what he can and cannot do. And he has emphatically said again and again that he can never get married, can never have a family. So where does that leave us? Will I be a single mother after all, with Lex only paying child support? The thought has fresh tears springing to my eyes. To have Lex in my life and our child's life, but only on the periphery, never getting involved in either of our lives is too painful to bear.

I consider not telling him at all. That way, I can cut off all ties and pretend he was never in my life. Only, I know I am kidding myself. The kind of love I feel for Lex is the once-in-a-lifetime kind. I feel a connection to him to that goes beyond the physical and even emotional. What we have is something special. Not everybody is lucky enough to experience what we share. But the stubborn man refuses to admit it.

I had agreed to the sex-only thing because somewhere deep down I felt that he would eventually change his mind, that he would eventually want more. I would have stayed in his life for as long as it took him to realize that we belong together. But I don't have that kind of time now, do I?

I press a hand against my lower abdomen and squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe I'm better off not telling him. But he deserves to know. That doesn't mean I have to do it face to face. I am going to take the coward's way out.

Grabbing my phone from the bedside table, I quickly draft my resignation email, but don't press the send button. I grab the pregnancy test with the prominently visible ‘+' on it, throw it into a Ziplock bag, and chuck the Ziplock bag in my purse. I briefly consider throwing away the tracking device, but the incurable romantic in me still hopes that Lex will come after me when he finds out that I am pregnant.

I quickly scribble a note for Penny and stick it to the refrigerator. I just tell her that I'm going away to Pittsburgh to spend a few days with my mom without telling her why. Then I grab a bag, shove some clothes into it, and check Lex's work schedule. I have to time my visit to Druk Technologies right. After waiting for fifteen minutes, I order a cab.

The cab ride takes just over half an hour. I step into the private elevator that will take me all the way to the top floor. I don't encounter anybody on the way up, for which I am immensely grateful. I quickly go into Lex's office, knowing that it'll be empty. He's in a meeting with the other partners right now.

Once inside, I retrieve the Ziplock bag with the pregnancy test stick and place it on his desk. Then I grab a Post-It note and a pen from his desk. I hesitate, not knowing what I'm going to say.

Lex,

You're going to be a father.

I rumple it up and throw it away.

Lex,

We're going to be parents.

That won't work either. As I agonize over the note, the door opens and my heart stops beating.

It's Rachel. Relief courses through me. I force myself to breathe steadily.

"Nic! I thought you weren't coming in today!"

Rachel's eyes go round and wide as she take in my appearance. I am dressed in lounge pants, hoodie, and flat sandals. My hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail. Then her eyes dart to the overnight bag hitched on one shoulder over my purse.

"Yeah, I had to drop off something important," I say hurriedly, grabbing the Ziplock bag. I try the top drawer of his desk and find it open. I quickly shove the Ziplock bag in it.

"Will you just give me a minute? What I need to tell Lex is confidential," I say, trying to make it sound like I'm talking about work.

"Sure," she says, throwing me one wary glance before she leaves.

That was a close shave. I want to collapse into Lex's chair, but I need to hurry. The next time the door opens, it might be Lex, and I'm not ready to face him just yet. I finally write a note, stick it on the Ziplock bag, and rush out. Rachel is at her desk right outside Lex's office.

"Are you alright? You don't look well," she says, eyeing me with concern.

"Just a little under the weather. Thank God I remembered I had to drop that thing. Will you tell him I've left it in the top drawer like he asked me to? Thanks," I almost sprint toward the elevator before Rachel can say anything. Once inside, I collapse against the wall, screwing my eyes shut. I'm engulfed by a deep sense of despair. What if he wants nothing to do with me?

I force myself to stand up straight and take a few deep breaths. This isn't the time for hysterics. I pull out my phone and send the resignation email I had typed earlier. Then I call my mom and tell her I'm coming home. She's delighted but also wants to know why. I just tell her I need to be home and hang up before I start bawling my lungs out.

I consider taking a flight, but after checking the flight schedule, I know there's no flight for another hour. An hour of inaction will kill me. Besides, I need to put some distance between Lex and I immediately.

I decide to drive.