Chapter 16 - Lex

It's been a week since we returned from Paris, and far from having gotten Nic out of my system after the mind-blowing sex we had, I find myself wanting more of her. My dragon has been pining for her day and night. Just another reason why I'm unable to sleep. It shocked me to my core when Nic and I made love that very first time, and many, many times after that. I knew it would be fantastic, but I hadn't expected it to make me feel so… whole. So powerful. So invincible. Yet extremely vulnerable. It's the vulnerability that scares me.

After another night of poor sleep, I had to drag myself out of bed for the early morning meeting with the CEO of KobiTech, the start-up that is going to help us build the super secure maps app. The company is run by a bunch of barely out-of-college nerds based in Silicon Valley, but they have favorable reviews. The CEO, Dylan Turnby, was professionalism personified and he understood our needs perfectly, but there was something shifty about the guy. I just don't like him. I am tempted to call a partners' meeting and tell them about my gut feeling. But then again, I am not entirely certain that lack of sleep and being sexually frustrated hasn't affected my judgment. Contrary to what I'd hoped, I haven't overcome my lust for Nic. If anything, I want her more than ever. It feels as if I've had a taste of a potent drug to which I've become instantly addicted.

But of course I can't keep sleeping with her. In a bid to put some distance between us, I have been curt and formal with Nic ever since we got back. I know I have hurt her, but I can't get sucked in any deeper. The risks are too high. It can't be a coincidence that ever since we returned from Paris, the sense of danger I have been feeling since Nic and I first kissed has only intensified several-fold. It is as if something is warning me to keep my distance from her.

One thing I know for sure about Nic is that she does not want a casual fling. And I am vehemently opposed to a serious relationship. There is no middle ground here. I wish there was. That way, I would at least be able to keep dating her. But since I have chosen to keep my distance, I can only dream.

And I have been dreaming of her. Every. Single. Night. There is absolutely no respite for me. The way I see it, if I don't have Nic in my life, I'm going to go crazy. If I do have her in my life and give the whole relationship shebang a try and claim her as my soul mate, I still risk losing my mind if anything happens to Nic. And that won't be a mere figure-of-speech losing my mind, but need-to-be-committed kind of insanity.

I sigh and rub a hand over my face. There's still a bit of work to be done before I call it a day. I know Nic has left because Chuck had called me after he drove her home. I finish setting up my calendar for the week and email it to Nic. It's way past working hours. So when there's a knock on my door, I am surprised. It's Pat.

"You're still here," he says, evidently surprised, even though he's still there too.

"So are you," I counter. I know I am being defensive and combative over the smallest of matters, but that seems to be pretty much my default setting ever since we returned from Paris. The guys have cut me a lot of slack, but I need to get my act together. They're my friends. They're my brothers. I can't keep behaving like a sulky teenager.

"Sorry, Pat. I don't know what's happening to me lately," I lie, rubbing a tired hand over my face.

"I think you do," he says, arching an eyebrow as he walks to my desk. He is holding a stack of papers, which he places in front of me.

"These require your signature. My assistant forgot to hand them over to Nic earlier," he says, tapping the papers.

"Thanks," I say dismissively, wishing he'd go away. But he sits on the edge of my desk and picks up the crystal paperweight Mom and Dad got for me from their trip to Anatolia last year. It's practically valueless in monetary terms, but it has a lot of real value. It reminds me of them. Thinking about Mom and Dad also makes me think about how I inadvertently let it slip that I would want Nic to meet them. I have never said that to any girl ever before. And Nic and I aren't even dating. Bugger it all, why does it have to be so complicated?

It should have worked. It should have been a simple matter—like scratching an itch. It was anything but. My shoulders slump when I realize that the ‘itch' is probably never going to go away.

"So, how was Paris?" Pat says, tossing the paperweight up in the air and catching it over and over again.

"Stop that!" I say, snatching the paperweight away from him. I had told the guys that I was taking Nic to Paris. They have been trying to pump me for information ever since I got back. So far, I have avoided a one-on-one interrogation, but today my luck seems to have run out. I sigh and lean back in my swiveling chair. In a way I'm glad that it is Pat who is questioning me. If anybody is likely to understand my motivations, it's him. He has always been the most level-headed amongst us all.

"Paris was great. Nic was great. We had a lovely time. Are you satisfied?"

"Far from. If that was the case, why do you both look like you want to murder somebody?"

"That's ridiculous. I am feeling better than I've ever felt in my life," I hunch my shoulders and stare at the papers, lying through my teeth.

"How long are you going to keep lying to yourself?" Pat asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"I am not lying to anybody. Not to Nic, not to you guys, not to my dragon, and certainly not to myself," I say grinding my teeth.

"Interesting that you should bring up your dragon, Smoky," he says, fixing me with a stare. "Does he not agree with your assessment of your relationship with Nic?"

"What relationship? There is no relationship! I needed to get her out of my system, and I have! Look, I don't have to convince anybody of anything," I push the chair away, lock away the papers in one of the drawers, and start walking out of the room.

"You know you've hurt her," Pat says softly.

I freeze, balling my hands into fists at my side.

"I never meant to hurt her. I never made any false promises," I say, begging him to understand.

"And you've hurt yourself," he says, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Be honest with yourself, Smoky," he urges, looking at me intently.

I turn back to face him.

"I think she is your soul mate. We all do."

"The thing about soul mates is you've got to claim them, don't you? You have to declare that you love them, and once they make the declaration back to you, you have to mate. That's how this whole soul mate business works, doesn't it?"

"You know how it works," he says, crossing his arms over his torso.

"Well, I have no intention of claiming Nic or anybody else as my soul mate," I say, thrusting my jaw forward.

My dragon growls within me. On that last night in Paris when Nic and I made love, I had to do everything in my power to stop my dragon from taking over my mind and claiming Nic as our soul mate. I felt like a jerk after she had given herself to me so unreservedly and freely, but I did it for both of us. She is better off without me. She doesn't even know I am a shifter yet. No human in their right mind will want to spend their life with a shifter.

That's not true, my dragon growls yet again. Our mother is a human and our father is a dragon shifter, he reminds me. And so it is with Agate, Amethyst, Onyx, Citrine, he yells inside my head. Once a dragon shifter has found a soul mate, it is especially difficult on the dragon when mate is not claimed. It is difficult for the human as well, but humans can kid themselves better. That does not mean that Nic is my mate. She is not, I quickly insist, further antagonizing my dragon.

Pat notices my struggles with my dragon, but says nothing. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. It seems both Pat and my dragon need to be reminded why I have no intention of taking a mate.

"My dad told me about a Quartz dragon from the Carnelian sub-sect. His mate was killed in a freak road accident a few years ago. There was nothing the poor schmuck could have done to prevent it, but the last they heard, he had thrown himself off the edge of the Grand Canyon. He was so distraught with guilt and madness that he couldn't shift. What a messy end to a life. I can never imagine what he must have gone through. I can't put myself in a position where I risk going through what that poor Quartz dragon went through." I say, collapsing on the couch. This is the first time I have vocalized my fears to anybody.

Pat is looking at me wide-eyed.

"Wow, you have given it a lot of thought."

"Yes. And I circle back to the same conclusion. Nic and I can never be together. You know how we are all feeling that danger is lurking just around the corner? I am almost constantly feeling it now. And the feeling has intensified several folds. I'm being warned to keep away from her, Pat."

I am suddenly feeling very weary.

"Look, let's talk tomorrow, okay? I would appreciate it if you told the others not to ask me about Nic," I say, looking at him earnestly.

He merely nods, squeezes my shoulder, and starts walking towards the door. He pauses to look at me one last time.

"You know, fate has a way of catching up to you," he warns before exiting my office.

I can only stare after him with my mouth agape.

But he's right about one thing—I have hurt Nic and I need to apologize. It's true that I was forthright with her. It's also true that she knew where she stood, but I know I have inadvertently hurt her. And I have been an ass ever since we returned. She did not deserve that. Tomorrow morning when she comes into work, the first thing I'm going to do is apologize.