19. Jamie

After running into Magic and Second Officer Lizard on my way back from the gym, we get caught up in conversation and I'm back to the room with Teddy with only an hour until we disembark. I find it fascinating that there are separate pilots who pull the ship in and out of harbor, but I feel terrible for leaving Teddy alone for hours on our last day.

"Sorry," I apologize by way of greeting, finding Teddy sitting in a chair by our waiting luggage. "Was chatting with Magic and Liz, who definitely have a crush on each other, and they were saying–"

"We should head out to the deck so we can get off the ship quickly," Teddy interrupts, standing and handing me my phone. "If we miss the shuttle, we might miss our flight."

Grabbing my luggage and following his exiting back, I feel like I have whiplash. "Are you mad at me?"

"No," Teddy doesn't turn around, leading us to the stairs, even though the elevator would be easier with our things. "I'm just ready to go home."

His tone is even, and I don't hear a lie in his words, but after days of being attached at the hip—among other body parts—I can't help sensing how he's putting distance between us.

Teddy's words from before come back to me, "One more night to not think about what happens after we get home…"

He's a chronic overthinker, so I decide to let him have his space. We can hold off on the big stuff until we're back at our apartment. Teddy will be more comfortable in our space, and we have two months before the semester starts to figure out where we stand and what we both want.

In truth, I need a bit more time to think things through. My workout cleared some of my more negative thoughts, but most can only be cleared up by talking to Teddy.

He stays quiet when we grab lunch on deck and get in line to leave as the port comes closer and the crew rushes to prepare the exit.

"They're putting out the plank for us to walk," I tease Teddy, thinking back to when we boarded. It was only a week earlier, but I feel like we're different people than we were eight days ago.

"Mmhm," Teddy doesn't even correct me, and I know he's in his feels, to borrow a phrase I heard on board.

The rest of our wait and the whole ride to the airport, I leave him alone to his thoughts. We have a longer line than expected at security, and we're almost jogging to the terminal among people in mouse ears coming from the nearby theme parks.

"Want to visit Mickey on vacation, too?" I ask Teddy when I stop to get in line at my gate.

"My boarding group is separate from yours, so I'm going to grab a snack until they call mine.

"Oh, okay," I crunch my brows as he wanders off. I forgot he won't be sitting with me, so I'll just have to sit him down as soon as we're home to hash out what's going on.

My seat is on the aisle at the back of the plane, which isn't ideal for my gangly arms and elbows that will get hit by everyone who passes, since I swear flight attendants love to do it on purpose. At least the flight is short.

Pulling out my phone when I hear them announce the doors are closing and we need to power them off soon, I text Teddy.

Me: Where is your seat?

BFF Teddy: I'm sorry. I caught a different flight

Me: You had to take a later flight? Why didn"t you say something? We could have grabbed dinner or a hotel and left together.

BFF Teddy: No…I decided to go home instead.

At first I'm confused, since we are going home to the same place. Then I realize he doesn't mean our apartment near campus in North Carolina.

BFF Teddy: I need some space to think.

Fuck. I was right. I didn't think he'd lie, though I guess he had said he was going home and he wouldn't be sitting with me. Still, a lie by omission. I hate that he needed to get away from me so completely, but if that's what he needs…

Me: Alright. I understand. Let me know when you're ready to talk.

The dots appear and disappear, letting me know Teddy is typing and deleting his words, when the announcement comes on the power off electronic devices. I wait until a stewardess gives me a dirty look on her check of seatbelts before following instructions and turning it off.

Once we're in the air, I get it out and find only one word in reply.

BFF Teddy: Okay.

One word, and the period feels so final. I might have fucked everything up.

Back at our apartment after a fitful night of little sleep in my bed alone, I'm feeling uncomfortable alone in our space. Teddy's bed, with sheets still perfectly made, urges me out of my own around mid-morning, rubbing my eyes and stumbling around by memory. My luggage sits unpacked by the door when I finally get up to make coffee. Teddy would have insisted we unpack before sleeping.

Or maybe I could have enticed him into bed for sex before falling asleep in his arms. The thought makes me smile before I remember he isn't here.

One night and I miss him.

We rarely spent more than a week apart over the last few years, but the cruise took that to a whole new level. I don't just want to be around my friend, I want more.

I hope I haven"t ruined everything.

What I need is to talk, but my person wants space. Before I can change my mind, I send a text to my sister.

Me: So, I might have accidentally booked us on a gay cruise and ended up fooling around with Teddy. But now he's gone home to NJ and isn't talking to me. I think I messed up.

Sarah's doing her residency to be a doctor at Johns Hopkins, and I expect her to be busy, but typing dots show up right away and I settle on the couch. I forgot it's Sunday, so she's probably at home in Baltimore studying.

Big Sis Sarah: OMG! I'm calling.

My phone buzzes in my hand seconds later and I accept the call, not realizing she facetimed me until her pale face and dark, curly hair appears on screen. I prop it up on a stack of law books on my coffee table and try to smile.

"Hey, Sarah…"

"Hey, Sarah? That's what you have to say to me after what you just unloaded? What do you mean you were on a gay cruise and fooled around with Teddy? What did you do?"

She's gesticulating wildly, and I can see the window of her apartment with Wyman Park in the background. Sarah is a lot like Teddy: Type A, focused on school, and never sits still. She can give me good insight into what I should do.

"Just what I said," I shrug and rub my face with both hands, trying to find the words. "We realized it was a Pride Cruise the first night, and I don't know if it was the pretending to be married on a gameshow, or the atmosphere, but we kissed and stuff."

"Wait, wait, wait! Pretended to be a married couple on a gameshow? Back up and tell me everything. Minus the and stuff."

Sarah shakes her head and gives me an expression that reminds me so much of my mother when I do something that shocks her, I can't help chuckling. She narrows her eyes and my amusement drops.

"Well, I guess it started when I called him Sugar-dick at a restaurant before we got on the ship…"

It's Sarah's turn to laugh, but she lets me get the rest out with few interruptions. Going over the entire week with Teddy, I see how it all unfolded naturally, and how much my feelings have changed in the process.

"You're in love with him."

"What?" I look back to the screen and see her expression has turned from amused and analytical to sympathetic and worried. "I mean, of course I love him, he's my best friend."

"Do you only like him as a friend, though?" Sarah's lips pinch and she sips her coffee, reminding me I've let mine get cold while we've been talking. "You said you miss him and insinuated that you don't want to stop the sexual aspect of your relationship."

My eyes dart around the apartment, not up to looking at her when she's making so much sense. Am I in love with Teddy?

"I know I don't want to be alone in our apartment and that we need to talk," I admit, unsure of the rest. "But I can't crash his parents" place. They may not be cool with me expressing my feelings for their son."

"Shit, I didn't think about that." Sarah taps her chin. "Maybe you need to go to our parents and think things through without being surrounded by reminders of him?"

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I think that would be good for you," she sits back like the decision is made and now she can relax. "Plus, Mom and Dad were great when I came out as pansexual and Demiromantic."

"That's the term! I think Teddy is Demi."

Her eyes soften and she tilts her head, "And you?"

"I think I'm heteroflexible or possibly bi," I nod to myself. "Is panromantic a thing? I don't think I care about gender or parts with my feelings?"

"You can identify however you want, but this is called cross or mixed orientation, definitely a thing. Either way, our parents will be accepting. Plus they love TJ."

They do. And I haven't seen them in months.

"Alright, I'll visit them. Thanks for talking me through this."

"No problem, little brother. But you better update me as soon as you talk to him."

Promising I will, I say goodbye and message my mom to tell her I'm driving up for a visit. Then I text Teddy a little bit of my truth.

Me: I don't like being in our apartment without you. I'm going to visit my parents. Let me know if…when, you're ready to talk.