18. Teddy

The sun is shining in my eyes, telling me it's either later than I thought, or the ship has turned. Jamie and I spent the evening before ordering room service and exploring each other's bodies. Sexploration, he called it.

Now I'm alone in bed, the spot beside me cold, and I can't help wondering if that's all this has been to him. Exploration.

Yawning and pulling the covers over my head, I notice the shower is on and don't like him showering without me. I have gotten used to him washing my body while we trade smirks and pinches. The night before, he got on his knees and sucked my dick under the spray before I bent him over and found out how awkward shower sex is.

We were both sexed out and agreed it was hot and fun without coming. But was that the truth? Was he tired of me?

Do I even want to keep doing what we've been exploring on our vacation? Jamie is my best friend, my roommate. He's my person, and I don't want to fuck it all up for fleeting pleasure.

The best sex of my life, but still. The sex isn't what I'm clinging to.

This week in the Caribbean has been the most eye-opening, yet also easiest, time in my life. Everything with Jamie comes naturally, like I was made to fit with him in every conceivable way. And that thought scares the hell out of me.

If I could continue this feeling of intimacy and not lose my friendship with Jamie, would I do it? I don't know, because the thought of losing him is harder to contemplate than accepting intimacy in the first place. Facing it would mean admitting I want more with my best friend. A man.

Jamie is undeniably a man.

Instead of trying to ignore his masculine qualities when we fool around, they seem to turn me on. I'm not picturing softer skin in his place. Jamie's deep voice, big hands, and fit body make me want to hold him close and kiss every inch.

It may just be him, but I can't see going back to my unsatisfying encounters with women.

What would my parents and siblings think?

The question has been lingering in my subconscious since we kissed after the game show. At the time, I rationalized that they would find it funny. My dad and brothers have made jokes about things being gay since I was a child. They are the type to slap you on the ass in sports, but don't wear pink unless you want to get teased relentlessly. I have no idea how they would react to me fooling around with a guy, and I'm not sure I want to find out.

The shower cuts off and my thoughts scramble in my head like a ball of yarn after a cat gets ahold of it.

Instead of arriving at six am, we're going to reach Port Canaveral closer to dinner time. Looking at my watch and seeing it's almost ten, I start to make a mental list to pull myself back from panicking. We need to change our flight and Jamie is in charge of that booking, along with the shuttle to the airport.

Leaping up to pull my suitcase from the wardrobe, I decide to start packing. Jamie walks in with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth to grab underwear, naked as the day he was born. It still makes me blush and I try not to look as I slip on briefs to hide my reaction.

"Have you checked flights?" I ask, folding my slacks again so they fit just right. "Ours leaves in an hour, and there's no way we'll make that."

"Crap, no," Jamie steps back into the bathroom and spits. Even that sound has me willing my dick to calm down. "Can you do that for us? You know my lock code."

His birthday and mine, the code Jamie uses for his phone as well as the pin on his credit card. We really are too intertwined. I want to beg him to never leave me at the same time I don't feel worthy of taking all his attention.

"Sure," my voice cracks and I clear my throat. Jamie's deodorant wafts out into the room through the open door, and I open the airline app. "What about the shuttle?"

"I got an email saying the cruise line adjusted those for us automatically."

"Cool," I nod, opening the tickets. "There's a charge for last minute flight change."

Jamie comes back in the room and starts to gather his things. "I had flight insurance, so that should disappear at check out."

"Attention gays and guests," the same voice we've heard before comes over the speaker. "We will make port around fifteen-hundred, or three pm local time. Your transportation to various airports and hotels has been updated to reflect our delay. I hope you've enjoyed your time on the Pride Cruise!"

The message confirms what Jamie said about the shuttle, so I follow the steps and see I have to adjust each of our flights individually. There's a flight in the evening that would get us home before midnight, so I transfer Jamie's ticket before seeing it is one of the last available seats on the flight.

"We can't sit together."

"It's a short flight," Jamie smirks and slips a white T-shirt over his head, hiding his tanned body. "I think we can manage."

While I'm spiraling about whether Jamie means he doesn't want to sit by me, that he needs a break, he's slipping on gym shorts and tossing the rest of his clothes in his suitcase.

"Where are you going?"

"I want to grab food and hit the gym one more time before we are stuck on a shuttle and plane for hours." Jamie slips his sneakers on and turns toward the door, "Want to join?"

"No," the word slips out before I think about why. I still have to book my ticket, but I also feel like an afterthought. "I'm going to finish packing."

"Suit yourself," Jamie smiles and heads out, throwing me a wave over his shoulder. "See you later."

The door clicks shut with finality and I stare down at his phone still in my hand. He's been greeting me with kisses and rarely leaving me side, and now Jamie doesn't even bother to get his phone so I can message while he's out on the giant cruise ship.

Waking the phone screen, I unlock it again and look at the other flights leaving at the same time. There's a direct flight from Orlando to Newark, which would have me home and in my childhood bed in only a few hours. The time in the air is a little longer than the one to North Carolina, but since it's a more common flight path it isn't more expensive. And the plane leaves only fifteen minutes before the one I booked for Jamie, from the same terminal.

Before I can change my mind, I transfer my ticket and send it to my own phone. I put Jamie's ticket in his digital wallet and turn off the flight updates for mine.

If he wants space and for us to go back to being just friends, I can give him that. I need time to think, as well.

My childhood home isn't the ideal location to parse through my feelings for another man, being strict Catholics and a tight space, but it's the only place I want to be if I can't be next to Jamie.