Chapter 27

Arianna

Three Years Later

Oaxacan coast, Mexico

I look on fondly as my daughter plays in the sand of the beach, kicking her chubby toddler legs and giggling. "Mommy, look!" she squeals with delight as Kimiko builds a sandcastle next to her.

The roar of the ocean and the sounds of tourists happily playing, echo around us and I feel one of those rare moments of contentment. When Kimiko visits it's always less lonely. Though thoughts of Nikolai, never far from my mind, always resurface when she visits every few months or so. She's done well to hedge most of my indirect questions about him and the life I left behind these past few years, reminding me that this was my choice. I begged her not to talk about any of it long ago.

I'm glad she does, as much as I yearn to know what's going on in his life, hearing about Nikolai is too painful, even now the years haven't worn away the pain of leaving him behind. I'm sure that Nikolai must still hate me, and Kimiko knows that telling me this would cause me pain. When she first turned up at the New York apartment and helped me start my new life, I was amazed at her capacity for forgiveness. She doesn't blame me for my father's actions against her family. Though I know part of why she visits me must surely be to check up on me. To make sure I'm here, where I should be.

We've become pretty good at avoiding certain subjects, such as who the father of Maria Adelina is. I know Kimiko suspects it's Nikolai, but I've always denied it. Told her it was a grief-ridden one-night stand when I first arrived here. Not that I've been with anyone since Nikolai. I can't even imagine being intimate with another man again, and I have a two-year-old daughter to worry about.

Maria Adelina is the reason I make it through each day. She and the very few friends I have in my life. As well as Kimiko, Maria and her husband Diego visit on occasion. In terms of friends who live in my town, I don't have many. I am friendly with some locals, like the woman who runs the corner shop and my yoga instructor, but for no more than a casual greeting and small talk. The only real friend I have here is my neighbor, Luis, and that's mostly because he doesn't take no for an answer, insisting on helping me out when anything goes wrong in the house or helping to bring the groceries in. He's a decent, kind man, and I know he would like more than friendship from me, but I can't give it to him. I don't see him in that way.

Home these days is a small beach town on the Oxacacan coast of Mexico. We live in a modest yet cozy little house just a stone's throw from the ocean. Being here I feel a sense of freedom I never thought possible before. And yet I'm plagued by thoughts of Nikolai. Every time I look at my daughter's face, I think of him, of all the milestones in our child's life he is missing out on. I try to convince myself that I made the right decision to leave, to hide her paternity. But these days it's getting harder and harder to believe it. She deserves a father, and as she grows older, she's going to want answers about who she is.

I again catch Kimiko studying my daughter with curiosity. As she gets older, the more she resembles her father. While we didn't have a boy like I imagined, our little girl has Nikolai's azure-blue eyes. She's also inherited his stubbornness, strong willpower, and dimpled smile. If her temper tantrums are anything to go by, she's got his fierceness too.

"Again, again!" she giggles as Kimiko builds another sandcastle for her to smush with her chubby hands. Kimiko is a wonderful unofficial aunty and Maria Adelina adores her.

"One more and then Aunty Kimiko has to leave," Kimiko tells her.

"No!" she pouts, and I fear she's going to have a full-on meltdown like the last time Kimiko went home.

"Maybe if you're good, we can get ice cream on the way home," Kimiko says, glancing at me for approval.

I nod, happy to agree to it if it saves a tantrum. It's been lovely having Kimiko here and the last thing I want is for the end of her trip to be spoiled by leaving a screaming toddler behind.

"Of course, we can all get ice cream and wave Aunty Kimiko goodbye. Then, we can read any story you like before bedtime."

"Yay!" Maria Adelina cheers, placated for now.

"Not so terrible twos after all," Kimiko says, winking at me.

"Don't be so sure about that, she can be a right devil child when she wants to be," I reply with a laugh.

"No way, she's an angel, aren't you Mads?" she says affectionately using the abbreviated nickname she came up with when Maria Adelina was still a baby. I coined the nickname myself since it's quicker and easier for her to say now.

"Yes, I angel," Mads declares proudly puffing out her belly and grinning as Kimiko showers her with kisses.

"I hope mine are as gorgeous and well-behaved as Mads," Kimiko says.

"Still no luck?" I ask, referring to her and Juan's lack of a child yet.

"Nope, but then it's not like we've ever had sex, just tried the old turkey baster method a couple of times and even that feels wrong. We think IVF is going to be easier. I think Isabella and Antonio would prefer that too," Kimiko adds referring to her and Juan's respective live-in partners.

While their situation might be unusual, it works for them. Kimiko and Juan are both happy to remain married on paper and live with their partners in separate houses for most of the year. They only see each other on occasion and all four get along well.

"It's a shame Isabella couldn't make it this time, send her my love, will you?" I ask.

"Of course, I know she can't wait to see you both again."

"How's Endo and his wife doing?" I ask.

Endo married the Yakuza girl from the party almost a year ago, I know he was smitten with her from the get-go and that they were both more than happy with the arranged marriage.

"They're good, they finally moved into their new home. Though I know Niki and Dimitri miss having him living with them."

"I'm happy for them, they deserve it," I say truthfully.

I'm tempted to ask more about Nikolai. When I first heard of Endo's wedding, I couldn't help but wonder if Nikolai married Svetlana like he was supposed to. But I haven't been able to bring myself to ask, and Kimiko hasn't mentioned it. I can't bear the thought of Nikolai being married to that woman, to any woman, so for now I choose to remain in willful ignorance.

But then Kimiko breaks our unspoken rule.

"You deserve happiness too, Arianna. You can't punish yourself forever for how things ended with Nikolai. It's clear you're lonely, and you never mention any guys apart from Luis. From what I can tell he has a thing for you, have you ever considered dating him, moving on?" she asks gently.

"In truth, no. I don't see him that way, I haven't felt interested in anyone in that way other than Nikolai," I say with a shrug.

"And Mads' father…" Kimiko says with a penetrating glance that suggests she doesn't believe that there was ever another man.

"Yes… yes of course. But that was different, a drunken mistake," I say, cheeks flushing pink.

"Don't you think Nikolai has a right to know?" Kimiko asks softly, looking again at Mads.

Panic that Kimiko is finally going to tell Nikolai flares tightening my chest. I'm grateful Mads is busy playing and too young to understand and follow our conversation.

"There's nothing for him to know. He isn't her father. Besides, Nikolai doesn't want to hear from me or see me ever again, he made that abundantly clear."

"Things change, Arianna. He's changed. I'm not sure it's for the best. Now he's even more closed off than ever, you were good for him. He's so focused on revenge on finding your father and…"

"My father is still alive? I thought for sure Nikolai would have hunted him down and killed him long ago," I interrupt, surprised.

I've deliberately avoided thinking of my father, he doesn't deserve to take any more away from me, not even my time. He certainly doesn't deserve my worries or concern over his fate. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed to hear he's still alive.

"Trust me, it's not for a lack of trying. Nikolai's like a man possessed. But it's almost like he's disappeared off the face of the earth," Kimiko says with a small frown.

My eyes widen with alarm, and I automatically move to pick Mads up, suddenly fearful that my father or his men could be here, ready to harm me and take my child away. I curse myself for not asking about him sooner, for being foolish enough to believe I could ever escape him.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you. But honestly, we've no reason to believe he knows where you are. The only people who know are me, Maria, Diego, Endo, Dimitri, and Nikolai. None of us would tell your father or his men a thing," she assures me.

"Nikolai knows I'm here?"

"To start with, he didn't want to know, and he's not asked. But Nikolai knows everything within his empire, I've no doubt he knows now," Kimiko admits.

The thought that Nikolai knows where I am and hasn't hunted me down is comforting, he clearly still doesn't hate me enough to wish me harm. But then, the fact he hasn't come looking for me is evidence enough to show he doesn't want to see me. That his parting words are still true today. Thinking of them still feels like a knife to my heart. But I had to do it, hard to hurt us both for my daughter. I have to believe that.

"I know you don't like to talk about the past, about Nikolai, but just think about it. Is this really what you want for you, for Mads?" Kimiko asks, her big, brown eyes searching mine. "I promise I won't say a word to anyone, but just think about it."

I nod, "Thank you, Kimiko, you're a good friend."

I know I'm putting her in an impossible situation. Now she's more or less said she doesn't believe my lie about Mads' father, I'm forcing her to lie to her family. Maria Adeline has to come first. My daughter will always come first, no matter what pain it causes me.