Chapter 28

Nikolai

I t's been almost three years since I last saw her—one thousand and sixty-four days to be precise—since those bewitching eyes held mine for the last time. Since my heart froze.

Since then, I've been a shell. The Bratva has been my sole focus. I've been hellbent on revenge. On taking down De Luca and destroying his family just as he stole mine. The first year became an all-out war. I'd hit one of his businesses and he'd retaliated. I came out on top, but only just. He had more power than I'd anticipated. Much to my frustration, no one had laid eyes on the man himself since. He's a ghost.

After the first year, things got really messy and I almost lost one of my biggest income streams outside of my new alliance. That's when the Cartel, Bratva, and Yakuza heads all spoke up and threatened that our deal would be off if I continued to jeopardize my operations with my quest for vengeance. Reluctantly, I agreed. I may have called for a ceasefire, but that doesn't mean I've stopped searching for De Luca. And when I find him, I'll take great pleasure in killing him slowly.

My days since she left have been empty. I focus my mind solely on business to try to keep thoughts of her at bay. But still, she haunts me. I can't stop thinking of her. Of course, I know exactly where she is. But I've stayed away—for both our sakes. Kimiko visits regularly, so I know she's safe. But I've commanded Kimiko not to talk about her in front of me.

I tried getting rid of her from my mind the way I usually get over a breakup, by moving onto some new woman. But no one had caught my attention or interested me. They're beautiful, vapid, hungry creatures who all want something from me. Money, power, or acclaim. But it's no use. On the occasions I've even been able to get aroused, the only face I see, the only woman I think of is Arianna. The odd aggressive fuck that leaves me hating myself each time and longing for Arianna. Nothing can remove her from my head. She took part of me with her.

My initial anger over her betrayal has lessened over time, slowly being replaced with profound regret that I didn't give her a chance to explain herself. I know that she is not to blame for her father's actions, she was a victim of his too. He was cruel and hurtful to her in a way no father should be. If anyone wants to see him as dead as much as me, it's her. At the time, all I could feel was betrayal that she'd kept it hidden from me for so long. I didn't trust myself not to hurt her, to use her against her father. I know now I could never do anything to harm her.

With Endo happy to get married first, I've been able to stall the wedding with Svetlana. But now that the honeymoon period is over, I know the pakhan of the Petrov Bratva is getting restless. I'm running out of excuses for putting off my wedding to his daughter. Svetlana's been happy for the time being with being seen on my arm and wined and dined, nattering away while I give monosyllabic responses. Svetlana has long since given up on her seduction of me after I rejected her advances on multiple occasions. After she came to me, dressed up like a high-class whore, and took me in her mouth, only to find I remained limp, she hasn't tried again. Though I know I will have to force myself to fuck her once we're married.

I know she feels personally wounded by my lack of attraction to her. Most men would chop their right arm off for a night with her. I know she thrives on the hungry looks she gets from my men, parading around by the pool in a bikini that resembles dental floss. Fortunately, Dimitri seems to keep her happy and I often sit brooding in silence while they chat, or I leave them alone altogether.

With Endo gone more often now, Dimitri and I have spent many a long night sitting in silent companionship drinking a bottle of bourbon or ice-cold vodka until the small hours. To start with, he tried talking about Arianna, to comfort me that I'd made the right choice letting her go. Telling me that it was best for both of us. Then I told him in no uncertain terms I didn't want to hear her name again. The anguish in my eyes was enough for him to accept my wishes. Though he doesn't say it, I know he feels her loss almost as much as I do.

That is until recently.

"Nikolai, son. Are you happy?" he asked, concern etched on his face.

"You know as well as I do, Dyadya, that my happiness does not matter. That the family must come first," I replied, taking another gulp of my vodka.

"You love her still," he stated. He didn't have to say her name for us to both know exactly who he meant.

"Love is a weakness that can be used against us," I replied, staring straight ahead to avoid his gaze.

"True. But love can also make us stronger."

When I didn't reply, he continued.

"Did it ever occur to you to marry her? She was a Mafia princess, used to the lifestyle. I know you would never have allied with her father, but perhaps she could have been your way to get to him," he asked sensibly.

The thought had occurred to me once, before I knew of her betrayal and her father's involvement with my mother's death. After, I was so full of rage and desperate for revenge that nothing else mattered.

"She didn't want this life," I state, knowing that Arianna could never have been happy as my wife.

"She wanted you. I think she would have been happy to take you exactly as you are, she just wanted to see the world more, to not be locked away," Dimitri said, he was being annoyingly reasonable, as usual.

"Besides, I was already betrothed to another, I couldn't risk destroying the best alliance and business enterprise the Kuzmin family has ever seen," I added, desperately trying to justify my choices.

"You are the Pakhan of the Kuzmin Bratva and the mastermind of the operation, they need you more than you need them. If you refused to marry her and offered a replacement, they would likely have to accept, perhaps after some blustering and complaints of course. What I'm saying is, you don't have to marry Svetlana. She deserves better than a husband who barely tolerates her. And you deserve better than a loveless marriage," he said.

I could see the color in his cheeks rise and it dawned on me that this conversation wasn't just for my benefit.

"You have feelings for Svetlana?" I ask, surprised it didn't occur to me before.

"She is a beautiful, intelligent, and feisty Russian woman, what's not to like?" he said with a casual shrug.

"Well, I'll be damned, you sly old fox. Does she feel the same?" I said with a grin, happy that Dimitri had finally found someone.

"I am not foolish enough to think an attractive young woman like her could truly love an old, scarred man like me. But I think I could make her happy and give her the kind of life she wants, yes," he admitted.

Too bad she was meant to marry me. Then his words sunk in, and I understood what he was subtly trying to imply.

"You think her father would accept you as a replacement if I refused to marry her?" I asked seriously.

"Yes, I think they would. Especially if you were already spoken for," he stated meeting my eyes. He didn't need to elaborate on who he was referring to.

"I promised her I would let her be free, to live a life away from all this. It's been almost three years, I can't go and disrupt her happy life now."

"How do you know if it is happy? She could be missing you as much as you miss her. Go see for yourself, at least then you can get some closure. If she is happy and has moved on with her life, perhaps you can do the same," Dimitri pointed out, an idea that had not occurred to me.

***

And so, a couple of weeks later I found myself in Mexico, watching her from afar. I didn't want to disrupt her life if she was happy, so I've been observing her from a distance. I saw her leave the small beachside restaurant she works at shortly before sunset and followed her to a yoga studio. She looked happy and healthy. Her dark hair has lightened with blonder streaks from the sun and has been cut shorter to sit just below her shoulders, her pale skin is tanned, and her figure is toned and healthy from the yoga, but with a softness and rounder curves that had not been there before. She looks incredible, even more beautiful than I remember. Just seeing her made me want to run to her, take her in my arms and never let go. But I held back.

I followed her home afterward, still keeping my distance. I had to see her home, see if she was truly as content here as she seemed. Through the windows from my vantage point, I see a small child and a handsome dark-haired man greet her as she enters. The cherubic little girl reaches up her arms and Arianna scoops her up, laying kisses on the girl's cheeks as she squeals in delight. She leaves the room for a short while and I watch as the man proceeds to continue cooking, pouring two glasses of red wine. A short while later she returns alone, presumably having put the child to bed. She smiles gratefully at the man, and they speak, he gestures to the meal, and she sits down and accepts the wine.

My heart breaks all over again. She's happy, she's moved on with another man. The angry jealous monster in me rages against its cage, and part of me wants to rush in there and tear the man who took her from me, limb from limb. But that's the thing, he didn't take her. I was the fool who let her go.

I know I should go now and save myself further pain and leave Arianna to the happy, safe, and peaceful life she deserves. No wonder Kimiko was only too happy not to talk about her. It feels like a knife has lodged itself in my chest.

And yet I can't look away. I stand, transfixed, watching the life that I could have led if only things were different.